Antonia

Antonia calls me beautiful
Antonia says I am her dream lover
Antonia said to me she wants to make love to me in a hundred ways
Antonia says she loves me
Antonia is extremely sexual
Antonia wants me to massage her
Antonia wants to massage me
Antonia wants to satisfy all my sexual desires
Antonia loves my mind and intellect
Antonia texts me saying how she feels bliss when thinking of me
Antonia heard my weird sexual desires and said she is happy to fulfill them; because the ideas turn her on


So what's wrong?
Antonia isn't Marie...

Antonia; a miracle (too late?)

What is it that attracts me to single mothers? I came across (pun intended...) this lovely lady recently. Antonia is amazing for so many reasons;

1. She owns a business
2. She is beautiful and perfect
3. She has a wonderful emotional attitude
4. She has an interesting intellectual approach- not sure I approve of the things she believes, but she's open minded (something I need more of)
5. She has become very enamoured by me

Antonia said she would like to have sex with me; of course, she says its my choice, and that she doesn't ind being just friends; although she suggested that we could become lovers. She said it would be difficult for her NOT to fall in love with me; she said she finds my body sexy; she likes my lips, my hair, my skin. She told me that she fantasised about kissing me, holding me, being held by me, and other things that, to her admission, made her feel sexual.

I've told her that I'm a virgin, I've never kissed anyone, never had a relationship, have problems with anxiety, and I've told her about Marie.

Antonia seems to be very accomodating; and very very sensual; she does massage, yoga, tantric stuff...my goodness, she is simply amazing....

....but she isn't Marie...

It just isn't fair; a few months ago no one gave a shit about me. Now, I know the perfect girl who I have a tainted connection to, and a Goddess knocks on my door for my heart...I know some of you might envy that. But I must be sincere to both. I cannot just enjoy sex and emotional connections willy nilly; I will be hurting both if I 'play'.

I often thought what i would do in such situations; my answer was: have none of them.

I think I will do a vow of chastity for the new year. That's my resolution. I think that will make me feel more assured; having a no-sex, no-love policy decided for me already...well, Romantic love; anyway.

More things to say from me...

1. Talking to Marie this week
2. Radio interview for depression

Homecoming

Coming back home is one of those student-things people go through. As an undergrad; I welcomed the reunion of old friends, the drinking, the debauchery, watching my friends get laid...from afar, and in jealousy.

Now that I've graduated; what is there to life? Well, I'm an adult now, some friends have started paid employment, others still students; myself, I'm a postgrad...

Coming home, so, what is there to expect?

1. My parents seeing how I have changed: loss of weight (due to purging)
2. My parents seeing how I have changed: concern about appearance (see 1.)
3. My parents seeing how I have changed: Ear Piercing!
4. My parents/friends seeing how I have changed: Attitude (Marie)
5. Returning to the place of my past: implications: nostalgia, resolvement, closure, opening old wounds
6. Reunion with friends, old and recently departed from my university city.
7. Thinking about Marie...
8. Gaining weight...I need to purge more, but its hard to do so with my family around.
9. My laptop died, so no porn, or academic work for a while...

Oh well, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive 'Christmas (calorie) dinner'...

I guess I'll try and learn that word; "no", and more difficultly, say no to myself when I see the lovely turkey, the succulent gravy...God give me strength. I need to improve my body...I must lose more weight

On positive news; I bought lots of new clothes from Gap and stuff; I am now a MEDIUM!

I need to do more - I have 50-60lbs worth of shame to get rid of...I've lost 40 since september 1st

After Marie

Well, I haven't heard from Marie really since that drunken night...

I guess I ruined it. I can't turn back the clock. During the whole Marie ordeal, I have come across a few other girls who have been very nice to me and seem to want to get closer to me; I've told you about Claire, I've heard from my friend Alan (a friend of Claire) that she is with another guy; god for her, I say. SHe's a lovely girly.

There have been a few other girls, there is this 26 year old mother of one who is very very hot who has been very kind to me, and suggesting that I should come over for a cuddle with her. The single mother (lets call her Antonia) does turn me on a little bit, and she seems like the kind of gal who has all the things I desire, she is intelligent, sensual, sexy, caring, yet independent, strong yet delicate. Very maternal, and that appeals to my oedipal side.

There is another girl; but her, I think more of a sister; or a teddy bear. I run an online support group and she has eventually come to be infatuated with me, I feel very flattered, but I must be responsible and I have told her that nothing can happen; because of the distance, and also because I'm just not in the same place as her emotionally. It feels odd to have so much female attention these days; and these wonderful and beautiful girls stating their intentions at me. But, I want Marie...and I just can't have anyone else right now, and if I can't have Marie, it just wouldn't feel right to have anyone else...ever...

I should just feel happy that there is such beauty in Marie that exists in this world, even if I can't have her as mine, I should just be happy that I know there is such an exemplar of the idea of beauty...

Conatus

Childishness

"I can't have the one thing I want.", If this is the case; how am I to respond?

i. Boo Hoo
ii. 'Boo Hoo'!

The first expression is a genuine sadness, a sadness that I cannot have that which I yearn for.

The latter expression is a bit of an afterthought, after all the tears; all the hurt. I realise I am just a glorified child. The child wants the attention of another, or wants an object to claim as his own. How am I, in my infatuation with Marie, in my slow decay of my integrity and my emotions, in my being reminded of her at every moment, a tall girl, a girl with dark hair, a girl with short hair, a beautiful girl...all remind me of her. Even certain songs remind me of her. How is this any different from the predicament of the child?

WIth the child; we tell her to grow up and mature and realise that what she want's she cannot have. With the adult, with me, do you tell me to grow up and stop thinking about her? Do you tell me to move on? Do you tell me 'there are other fish in the sea'?

I don't want fish. I want Marie.

I can't have her...I have to move on with what is left of life.

Maybe I should take a chastity oath; that way it gives me a goal to keep up; and to have something to aspire to in being celebate; dedicated.

Who is to blame for this whole ordeal? Me? Well, some of you might say 'don't blame yourself!'; maybe this was one of those circumstances where there are victims but no vicimisers, Like an earthquake; very often do people blame God; but where does there have to be someone intentional to blame, even when there is a great tragedy; perhaps that is some fallacious moral intuition we have. Even if there is no one to blame, even if I am not to blame for feeling this way; that I involuntarily became infatuated by her, her beauty, her charm, her inner soul...I thought I found a kindred spirit. I think she is kindred; but perhaps, too close to reality, she shut me off, just like how I do to those I care about. Sometimes similarities are undesirable.

What else has happened this week?

• Response from NHS
• Failed driving test
• Weight has gone below 200lbs
• Marie - can't stop thinking about her
• Marie- I am feeling jealousy of the prospect she will be with someone else
• Marie - I am feeling isolated without her; after opening up to her, I am again cold; alone.
• I have started reading a bit more; engaged in one of my 'big projects'; that involves a reading of a key text for my masters.

What can I hope?

• PhD prospects?
• Doing my MA
• Having a future
• Improving my depression
• Losing more weight
• [What about Marie? - those things mean nothing if I am but an empty vessell of a soul. No warm arms, no tender lips, no caring caress anyone else could ease me right now but hers. I guess, losing her means I must continue my life with a new kind of suffering; a new kind of lonliness....I need to grow up, but for now, baby needs to cry a little while...
  

Angry at me

She was mad at me. All I do is complain. She's right. I mean; this whole blog is my complaints of the world. I should improve. I'm a big dickhead rightnow. I should just humble myself and not be so selfish. I'm sorry. I'm such a jerk. I am an insensitive jerk.

I'm not going to take this moral too far; insofar as to blow this failure of mine out of proportion; I've done some improvements this week. I need to learn a bit more how to be caring, and not so selfish all the time. I'm so worried about her.

I'm a big idiot, an insensitive moron. I will learn from my mistake. I have to be more considerate to her. I'm going to cry for a moment, then try and get on with my day; there isn't anything I can do for her at the moment; so I have to do the other things I have to do.

Yours stupidly,
Conatus

I'm just not good enough

Positives:

1. Marie invited me to a get-together for her birthday
2. Marie hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek a couple of times, saying she appreciated the gift and coming along (but that's how she acts around everyone). I did at one point while she gave some guys hugs, she gave me a hug and kissed me gently on the cheek. It feels so unreal
3. I gave her a present on Friday; and she hugged me later on when we were on our own; she then expressed quiet concern for my wellbeing. The same was of last night; she said to me 'get some sleep', she whispered it, as if to show her true self.

Negatives:

1. I find this passion difficult to bear
2. I have so much work to do
3. I am so distracted
4. She is in my dreams
5. She is giving me hope that I cannot cash out
6. There are so many other (better) guys who know her; I can't compete with them
7. SHe is perfect; I don't want anyone other than her. I can't have her, therefore, I don't want anyone else
8. Corollorary: I am on my own again