Saturday, June 29, 2013


Dear Diary,

What have I been up to today? Other than Watching Oz (the prison show), I have...

  • Done my receipts
  • Caught up on emails
  • Caught up on garden stuff
  • Did some piano practice
  • Non priority task catchup
  • Archiving/clearing HDD

Today I am thinking to myself: I could do with some junk food today. I want some comfort food, I want something to clear my head and anxieties. I want a reward for all that work this week. I want something to calm me down, and wanking isn't doing it for me right now. I am thinking of getting some chinese food.


Something else is on my mind. I'm doing lots of stuff lately: philosophical book review for a friend, garden volunteering, community engagement through mentoring over next month, and I am even playing piano as a soloist in a couple of weeks. I feel like on paper, its a lot of stuff, were this a year or two ago I would not have been able to cope. I feel like I'm better able to cope with these things. It doesn't make it easier, but it doesn't make it harder. I also feel more whole as a person.

I might spend the night reading comics and watc hing Oz, according to my schedule, I am entitled to that. Lets make saturday a day of rest. Sunday won't give me an opportunity to. I have to be all responsible tomorrow to set up the garden for a community event, and none of the garden regular volunteers are around to help. Suddenly I feel like the workhorse of this project.


Things I did yesterday:

  • work
  • Reading
  • Handed in form to HR (been on my mind)

I did other things too, but in terms of my three a day achievement scheme I think I achieved - so fucking tired. Really worked hard yesterday. Really hard. I am happy to have been given a chance. Now I need to impress.

Finally, a weekend after which I've worked 5 straight weekdays.

Dear Diary,

So I talk often about how I have an 'on this day' notification on my calendar. The one yesterday was about my degree being conferred to me. That was a scary day. I felt like I had a sense of approval, and that I made it through the living hell that was my depression years. Of course it didnt end after that point, but it did give me something to feel good about.

So, the three days placement at the Sentinel has finally ended. I feel so tired. I went to bed around 8pm, and I woke up around 9am today. Very very tired. Iam slowly recovering. I did some grazing (of food) while watching TV. I am now awake, although slowly getting back to my routine. I need to find out what I need to do. This week went by quick! I will write a review of my week tomorrow. I was so tired today that I definitely couldn't do the gym.

I'm going back to the real world to try and find out what I need to do.


Friday, June 28, 2013

The day I had free yoghurt and iced tea at work.

Dear Diary,

I think I might talk about yesterday while I have time before I head off to work (god I'm hungry right now).

So, things I did that day:

  • Off to work
  • Gave payroll form to HR (need to give them another form)
  • Reading book review book albeit only slightly
  • Body Attack
  • Body Combat - where I fucked up my knee
  • Booked ultrasound
  • (apparently after midnight and during morning) audio archiving

So, that's a 6-7 things achieved that day. I used to say three was the minimum. I feel almost like I'm becoming more 'normal'. I feel so tired at the moment. I'm not able to do all the stuff I want and have 8 hours sleep. When I do my next placement, whenever that will be, I will have to think about that. I feel really tired today. My anxiety is a touch of an issue later on yesterday. I had these thoughts that were bringing me down and making me question myself. I couldn't quite go down to what exactly they were.

Yesterday at work there was free yoghurt and iced tea at work. Soo cool! I would love to work there for a longer time. I don't like being teleological about things in life, but I feel like this is a really good organisation to work for. I was thinking to myself: so, would I be happier working here or, x,y,z. That was a little game I played with myself: only a few other places were better than the sentinel: namely, the government, being an academic and maybe working in technology. Although there are so many departments here at the sentinel I have potential to expand myself: it's media, technology, charity, events, advertising, editorial...fuck me lots of things.

I better comb my hair and shit. I think the depressing realisation was that I can't do fun stuff with that money. That is because it's likely I won't be doing any events work at shambly in august due to seasonal issues. So, the money from this placement will be saved up for august, being conservative and thrifty. In other news, my colleague who went to latin america works for the government now - i guess his startup ideadidn't go through, but he's doing some consultancy - fucking hell! Am I jealous! That said, some friends said how jealous they feel about me working for the sentinel. I would be jealous too...but I am not resting on my laurels by any stretch. I'm fucking sweating hard there so I can make a good impression. It's a charm offensive.

Talk soon.

Thursday, June 27, 2013


Dear Diary,


Before I go to bed, I wrote a letter to myself. Giving me reminders of the day. I'm planning on crashing to bed. I don't know if I'll actually sleep, who knows. What I do know is this: *long pause, forgot what I was going to say*.


Tomorrow I intend to do the following things:

  • Give form to HR
  • Work 2nd day of shift
  • Book review reading (on train)
  • Body Attack
  • Body Combat
  • Book Ultrasound

I think that will be enough for the day. I feel like maybe I'll feel good enough if I did those things. Maybe.

Dear Diary,

I feel the need to attempt to say something profound. However, I can't really think of anything.

I feel like today my odds changed. I feel like today, I have a bit of career hope. I feel like today, all that slump of my life has suddenly been given a big fucking chance for me to make a better fortune and for me to make soemthing of my situation. I feel hope. I feel almost good. I feel like I have to actually manage my time better than I used to.

I shouldn't get too overwhelmed and overstimulated. It was only one day. I have two more days to go. I don't know if the next placement will happen any time soon. It might be until september. If that's the case, I really have to be frugal with the spending. I can't get complacent.

Anyway, I will have lots to do come tomorrow. I should strategically go to sleep, and not think too much. Tomorrow is another day. Got to save my strength.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Dear Diary,

A thought came to my mind. If I'm working more full time hours like this: how will I manage doing gym time?

This is an open question. I'll have to ponder upon this tomorrow.

At the moment I'm doing some desk tasks, but I am cautious of making time for sleeping.

Also my shoulders are really hurting right now.

First day on the job, and consumerist fantasies

First day at the job. First impression: pleasantly impressed. Both with myself and the job role. I felt anxious when they asked me to use scissors and cut name cards, but the name cards were on perforated paper, which isn't so bad. I must have put together about 40-50 cards, I put together about 150 or so press packs. I updated a spreadsheet, made a powerpoint presentation, I just went on and on and on, full concentration. I was enjoying the view out of the window, the ability to walk to the toilet and enjoy a free coffee machine that made good hot chocolate. I liked walking around the office and I felt an amount of freedom there.

There's a strong ICT policy and confidentiality clause, and talking about stuff on their official communications and social media are basically banned, but I won't go into that sort of thing. I'll just talk about the job experience.

The cantine was nice. I liked how there were guys with ponytails around, I liked how the women were diverse and cute. I liked how the colleagues on my desk were talking about their feet a lot (ahem). I felt sort of relaxed. I got tired later on and felt worn down. I also didn't manage to do the gym tonight. I just felt I missed the 10 minute marker where I could have made the class. I also felt to myself: it's my first day, lets settle in.

I think the best part of today was at the end of the day when I was thinking about what the hourly rate of the assignment would be - and it was higher than I was calculating. I have been playing on my calculator app for the past couple of days doing things like:


x*8*5 =

x*8*5*4*12 =

x*8*5 + 200 =

Those kinds of caluclations were making me think of what I could splurge my money on. Then I sort of thought reasonably, there's probably enough to pay off overdrafts and save a bit for the coming weeks. I could afford more things that are essential, but I don't have enough money to buy luxury things just yet. I should save more. What I might do is play a game with myself: when my bank balance reaches certain amounts, I'll allow myself to buy things I've always wanted. For example:

over £1000 beyond red zone: buy a fancy suit
over £300 beyond red zone: repair clarinet
over £100 beyond red zone: dominos pizza
over £200 beyond red zone: badminton racket
over £2000 beyond red zone: new laptop
over £5000 beyond red zone: holiday
over £800 beyond red zone: buy a saxophone/flute
over £1200 beyond red zone: buy a keytar
over £900 beyond red zone: airsoft gear

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Things I've done since the last blog post:

  • Got payroll form
  • Tweaked schedule
  • Canelled recurring task: job search mandatory
  • Looked up about Sentinel department I'm working with
  • Preped work clothes
  • Revisit job mandate

Things I've done today besides that:

  • Badminton
  • Work
  • Cancelled appointment with docs

So, is tomorrow the start of a new chapter of my life?

We'll see. For now, I'll take a breath. I'm feeling very anxious right now. It's difficult, but I also think its normal anxiety. I think this is what people call butterflies. Not the really bad medically bad anxiety. I'm unable to distinguish most of the time.

So now, I've done my prep, had some thinking done about tomorrow.

Nothing to it but to do it. Wank, sleep, start tomorrow.

Wish me luck, if anyone reads this blog

Tomorrow starts a change in my life. It's long fucking overdue, it's really long overdue.


Good night.

Note to Self: I need to make a dossier of all of my placements, the different departments and the different kinds of 'sectors' and headings the work under.

Starting this now.

Currently: rescheduling and listening to Yngwie Malmsteen.


I'm removing repeating tasks on my schedule, I'm creating a new set of subroutines.

Pre-sentinel to do list (listening to Philip Glass)

To do list for tonight:


  • Relax before first day of new job
  • Listen to Philip Glass
  • Prep work clothes
  • Tweak my schedule to account for new working hours
  • Account for gym times with new hours
  • Find Payroll form
  • Look up details about the sub-group involved
  • Look up details about how to do financial administration
  • Re-visit job mandate
  • Maybe think about doing the stuff I was scheduled to do.

This is the situation I've wnated to be in for fucking forever - No point dithering. I've got to just hit the floor running now. I'm kinda anxious about working in a new situation. Let's push on.



I wrote an 'On this Day' in my calendar

It's an annual repeating notice. It says this:


At work: I was with Sxxx, Vxxx and Sxxx, at the yyy aaa xxxx . I was telling Sxxx about how I've not heard back from the Seninel. At that point I went to the Cantine and then I got a call from the Sentinel. I had been given details of my first assignment but I had to reply back when I went back home from work. Work finished late and as such I had to struggle to call if anyone was around and I emailed, with luck, I was confirmed the first assignment. After the anxiety about getting it, I possibly faced not having a start date, but then I got it again, it was a big rush of emotions. Afterward I went to Badminton,. I am back home from badminton and a shower now, writing this (21:06, 25/06/2013)

So that was basically what I wanted to blog about earlier.

(I'm pleased)

Dear Diary,

My heart just went from hope to, ah fuck!


Then I got an email as I was typing this post, hoping it was from the sentinel. No, it was my brother asking about finding him underpants and a shirt for badminton.


Then I got an email - YES! I'm starting at the Sentinel for a 3 day assignment, 'financial admin' whatever that means. 3 days from 9:30-5:30. It's just been confirmed by HR. So now, I've got to find the Payroll sheet.


So, I got the call as I was going to the cantine during work, then work finished late. I had to RUSH home and send off a phone call. The HR agent for the assignment wasn't there and I was like FUCK! Then I sent an email and another person recieved it and confirmed I'm starting tomorrow. I also had to cancel the psychologist appointment, which was necessary. I hope they can organise another date. I hope.


I'm too busy to actually talk about what I'm doing right now. I have to just do it. - badminton now.

Talk soon.


(I'm pleased)

Speak now

Dear diary

I'm making a post using my smartphone

My computer crashed just as I was about to leave the house

I really wanted to make this post before I left

So I'm reviewing what I'm going to do today

Going off to work just now

Then going to badminton

After work I might do some cardio at the gym

so that's free things done already

I also sent a letter to the sentinel

fingers crossed

I am using voice recognition

On woods

things today: work, triple session, contacting women online

Dear Diary,

On paper it doesn't look like I did much at the gym. in general today. I did a 'double shift' at work, which basically means I was at a big event in the morning, and a big event in the afternoon. I got out of work and went to the gym, I finished earlier than I expected. I then went to the weights, did some back and chest workouts. I really hit it hard, I hurt my body, but not in an injury sense. I felt like I was looking deep into my soul, looking deep into a universe of insight when I'm on the cusp of pain. A relic of my old mia mindset.

After weights I did some cardio, was watching wimbledon on the telly. Nadal lost, wow! I really am quite into Tennis. I felt inspired after seeing Murray beat Federer at the Olympics, after he lost at Wimbledon to the same guy. It's the stuff of fantasies and epics, but of boring quiet personalities just really good at sports. After cardio I did body combat, and it was really really really hard. I always seem to tear my body apart (in a non injury way). I enjoy pushing myself, I feel pure, I feel myself.

Today I've been reflecting on things: Sentinel, losing my house keys (then realising it was under my fucking duvet). I was late for work becauseo f those fucking house keys! Let me talk about something else for the rest of the post.

Do you remember that girl I went on a 'date' with? It ended up being a non-date because she's not sexually into me, but she is into me as a person. I chatted to her today on OkC, I was telling her about my performance coming up in July. I told her my idea of a medley, she said I was a genius. I sorta blushed. She then said to me: let me know if you want a friend to go with you to a gig or if you want to chat some time. I kind of like that. I want more friends, like female friends. I know now that its completely non sexual, so in a way that kind of makes me feel more at ease. She's interesting. Why is it though, that women are alway interested in my in a kind of 'I want to be a therapist and knowing about you will help me' kind of way? At least two women said that to me.

The Socialist girl at the garden has been on my mind a bit. She said she was interested in my writing, so I gave her a digest of where I have articles posted and stuff. I sent her my blog, but to be honest, my blog is fucking boring (and no, not this blog, the 'proper' one where I use fancy words and malapropisms). I did however re-read one of my commentaries, and I realised how uncolloquial my academic writing is. I sound 'white' and like I'm a learned person. Which is bizarre. I then sent her articles that I wrote that are relevant to feminism, book reviews, and a pop culture thing I wrote once as a guest blog. I kind of think it would be interesting to be good friends with the socialist. I admire how she is involved in activism. So tonight, I feel kinda pleased at how much I did at the gym. I also realise my anxiety got a bit high today. I was focussed on my hairline a lot today. I had a lot of social contact and worries today.


So, what now? I think I'm just gonna crash to bed. I've done enough today.


Monday, June 24, 2013

this page is like spacedicks for my dark psyche

There are things that I do when I'm on my own and nobody is around:

  • I sing to myself
  • I talk to myself
  • I fart
  • I take videos of myself having a bowel movement
  • I take pictures of seemingly irrelevant things that have a significance later on
  • I fart
  • I burp
  • I don't cover my mouth
  • I play with my dick as a comforting gesture
  • I bite my nails
  • I pick my nose and eat the bogey
  • I look at my scalp in the mirror for hair loss
  • I play with my balls
  • I touch my nipples
  • I pull and feel on my body hair (pubic hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair, belly hair, back hair, bum hair, ear hairs, nose hairs, side of my head hairs
  • I write on this blog

I have given this blog address to about 3-4 people, some of them it was intentional, others sussed out it was me through breadcrumbs that I leave to everyone that lead to people finding out stuff about me.

I like the idea of having this blog anonymous because I can talk about everything and nothing, anything or something. Relevant stuff and irrelevant stuff. This is my notebook of randomness, this is my hole where I dump my sorrows, this is where I have those conversations that would be cool raconteur things but I have nobody to talk to. This is my own little world.

I don't like my little world sometimes, and sometimes I do. But I can say this: its built on my terms, and its my world. If anyone comes here to visit, please keep my world tidy as it belongs to me. Flush the toilet, close the door on your way out and don't move any of the books, I'll know if you moved it. I'll know if anyone moves the owl on my desk.

I hate the thought that I'm being watched and people know its me on this blog. I want to scracth my balls here. I want to sneeze without covering my mouth. I want to pull my nose hairs out and taste the bogey attached to it. I want to do all the shit I do back stage (in the Goffman sense) that I wouldn't when you are around. This is why my thoughts and secrecy is so important. When I found out hat someone I chat to read all the way back to the blog's beginning, I felt very naked, embarrassed, almost. I felt like how I did when I saw my counsellor two years ago. She knew EVERYTHING, and still said hello and how are you at sessions. There's a lot of stuff I lived through and that I think taht is truly ugly and inhuman. Lots of the stuff on this blog is like a spacedicks for my brain. There's an ugly spacedicks page of my soul and this is it. But this isn't all of me. THere's other parts of me. Although to be honest, I think the spacedicks uglingess is pretty accurate a way of brining me down to humanity.

distracting thoughts when writing serious essay

  • I lost a friend today, no she didn't die, and no she's not dead to me. She went from 'I want to have your babies' to 'I don't want to talk anymore' - because I called her a sycophant. I was honest.
  • I made a new friend, on facebook, the socialist girl. She's cool, all of her posts are about activism and smashing patriarchy. She's cool.
  • I have an internet friend who knows about this blog, I said I have a password I'll drop to her if we ever meet in public, so that she'll know its me, she then said that one of the words was a kind of word that many people might say. I assured her, when it's me saying it, she'll know.
  • I have a crush on the following people today: Katherine Parkinson from the IT crowd; Vin Diesel; The Rock; a woman from fetlife whom we have a reciprocal sexy chat relationship

I am thinking about this stuff, because I'm working on an essay I wrote. It's really personal, its really dark, its really political. I also can't talk about it in any way on this blog. It's more about my family and a historical thing that happened to us.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Review of the week:

Review of the week:

  • 11 sessions of fitness related activities
  • Lots of reading
  • Lots of catching up
  • Garden stuff
  • Waiting for Sentinel email
  • Lots of Archiving
  • Blogging

Need to do more next week.

half distracted writing of this post

Dear Diary,


I'm currently doing my week review. I am reviewing how 'little' I've done this week. Today I woke up early and went to the garden, but not early enough. I met a really nice woman at the garden today. I say i 'met' her but I've known her for some time. I really like chatting to her. Today at the garden there weren't many people, there was one woman who helped me with the big logs, and she had a really good attitude. That woman carved out (single handedly) a path to the back of the garden. I was really really impressed with her. I told her that repeatedly. I am so impressed that she did what we are dithering about for a year in 70 minutes. I am just in awe!

The other woman, lets call her the socialist. The socialist and I talked about food security, activism, leftist politics, queer politics, the reservations she had about ableism within radical feminist circles. I just felt she was really interesting. Also she drank from my bottle of water. I know that's silly but I often joke about that with my male friends when we share a glass, we often say, its like kissing, and then we do soemthing homo erotic to match how homo erotic it is the thought of us kissing.

So since I got home, I've been watching youtube videos and reading my manuscript. Now I'm doing a review task, and then I am also reflecting on garden stuff and doing garden stuff over the next few weeks.

I seem to be distracted when I'm writing this. I might muse upon the Socialist at another time. I sorta fancy her. I need to stop fancying people i meet at the garden. I can't fancy them all!

Anyway, off to my task again - await another post.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

ways in which i want things to be better

  • More emotional independence
  • More financial independence
  • More financial security
  • More job security
  • Happiness - ?
  • Better social life
  • Better quality of life
  • More culture in my life
  • More activities
  • More achievements

unsorted thoughts about my gym

After reading all this men's health supplements and booklet stuff I am thinking to myself lots of unsorted thoughts about my gym.


Yeah I know that makes me a fucking gym bunny. It compensates for not having a social life, or any other kind of life right now:

  • Nearly slipped on the urinals in the toilets - whats worse than slipping and getting earhpones wet? Slipping on piss
  • The smell is atrocious
  • I wonder what happened to the cleaner I always used to see - I wonder if he's still working there
  • I hear the women's toilets also have poor hygiene, from foursquare
  • I noticed how some of the women at the class today have hair loss patches. I'mself conscious about that shit so I'm always noticing it in other people

A gym observation

When I push up the weight, strength training never seems to get easier - it just seems that one learns how to accept the pain more.

Pain and pushing it has a continual novelty- the novelty and freshness of throat clenching exhaustion.

Beautiful? It makes me feel like I'm me. I dont know if thats good or bad, I do know that I want it again.

reading mens magazines (not the gay kind)

Dear Diary,

I think that if my mood ever gets better I might write these posts like I'm talking to a friend. Lately I'm very aware of how isolated I feel from lots of people. I want to go on dates, I want to hang with my bros, I want adventures. Lots of my adventures usually happen through a 'work' mentality. Maybe it means campaigning, trying to help campaigners or activists, doing mentoring or improving the community - those things get me out of the house and helping people and doing things that I feel has value and gives me value.

I want to do stuff that's just for me, too. Lately I've been watching porn imagining I was the person in the porn. I've been focussing on porn where affection and intimacy, or unique situations are the thing. Gay hazing is a little bit hot lately.

After the double gym session I felt tired. I ate a bit, then I did some archiving, which I wrote about. Then I got my dry cleaning. I wanked, watched more tv, and now I'm reading mens health magazines and fitness guides. There's something about reading this shit so much that it becomes repetition: chillis burn more fat, studies show coffee helps before sports...maybe if I read it so much I end up absorbing it better. I also read it quicker. I am also keen on the new things I see on mens health, like lifestyle stuff, fashion, or new techniques or research on sports science that could help improve gains.

I need to think about diet seriously. As my friends correctly point out, in terms of the fitness mentality and keeping active, I'm doing it all right. In terms of diet I get a D- grade. There was a time a few months back where intensifying my workouts and doing more made me fitter and lost weight. Now I've got to cut the fat. Building the muscle is not so big a priority, although nice. I also shouldn't do so much exercise that I'm killing the muscle too.

The cute trans* girl from fetlife keeps asking me out. I always seem to have something on, or I'm broke. But I have a feeling we will meet up soon, hopefully one day. She's nice, I like how optimistic she can be. I like knowing her. I think sex might be a bad idea, even if attraction is possibly mutual, she's much darker than me and has this intensity that scares me, ironically enough she says the same thing to me and thats why shes  reluctant for anything sexual between us.

So, garden shit tomorrow. Onwards!

Actually, maybe continue with the reading for now.

double trouble

Dear Diary,

Woke up early this morning. Had a wank. I did two classes at the gym. That cute instructor that I like wasn't there. I felt a bit sad. I like seeing her. At the second class it didn't feel as fun without her. I realise that I must have an evident physiological attraction to her as I feel more motivated and inspired when I am at those classes adjacent to her. Fuck, does that make me shallow? I don't know. Maybe?

I suppose the question is this: would I keep going to the classes and train if she isn't at the class, or other similarly hot women weren't there? I think so, but the motivation would be different. I am inward when Im training on my own, but when theres someone i'm talking to or who is making eye contact with me, my mentality gets all different, and I must be honest. Its better when I feel more positive, when I can smell those sexy pheremones of female sweat instead of my own musty scent of sweat and defeat.

I really fucking pushed it hard at pump class today. My forearms were exploding and I just couldn't move anymore, and the instructor was like: what's the matter! and she laughed at me when she realised I reached failure. I love the way that the instructor of the pump class intimidates people into lifting more. Its funny how many of the women have none of it and just lift their weakling weights. Now I say this not from a gendered and misogynist point of view, but everyone has their strength and ability levels, and I know those women can deadlift more than 2x1.25kg - do you realise how fucking like 2x 1.25kg is? that's 2.5kg, that's less than most backpacks, less than a 2 litre of cola, less than a satchel, a plastic bag of shopping. Deadlift is the exercise that uses the most body muscle mass and as such you go heaviest on that. I am a weakling and I can't do 1x body weight, but I expect those women to at least do 0.2x of their body weight - they are healthy, fit - and they aren't pushing themselves with 2.5kg! As such, I totally relate to why the instructor was giving us all abuse about going lightweight - well, she wasn't giving me abuse, I thrive on verbal abuse when it comes to fitness, it's like a dare, and I always love rising to the challenge when it comes to dares. It's probably my flaw, like Marty McFly when he's being called a chicken.

So after the class, I sat around, had some lunch. I had a shower, and I am still very slowly getting on with tasks. I have discovered a new way of archiving my data., specifically my audio data. Now that I have a new way of archiving I can centralise all of my data. Which is good. I was asked out by a girl on fetlife last night. I declined. Last night  i was out with my brother and his mates at a local pub. I don't hang out with my brother much socially, so it was fun. They were talking about how two of them work in media, talking about E3, talking about owning dogs...guy stuff!

My body feels prretty rotten at the moment. My hips feel ripped to shreds. I think I'm going to abstain from gym tomorrow, maybe gardening. I have yet to decide about monday. To be honest, I can't think about anything right now. My brain feels tired. There's lots of things I could focus on but my mind is just too tired. Here's a list of worries:

  • Sentinel
  • Reading
  • Blogging
  • Reading for another project
  • Performing next month
  • Money
  • Where the fuck my life is going

and so on.


I want to crash in bed, but I can't even do that. I have to go to the dry cleaners in a moment, to pick up my blazer for work. I love doing the gym classes really hard. It reminds me of purging. I miss purging so fucking much. THere's no relaease in life that gives me that purity that purging does.

In other news: I'll be seeing the psychologist next week and hopefully moving forward with that.


Friday, June 21, 2013

Dear Diary,


Lets review Thursday:

  • Blogging in the early hours, then sleep
  • Recieved call from psychologist for assessment, had brief anger trigger
  • Doing odd chores at home today - washing, tidying up bed, put my work clothes into the dry cleaners - fuck that shit gets dirty quickly
  • CXWorx
  • Body attack
  • Body Combat

Three classes in a row. The cute instructor who I sorta fancy kept calling me out, she called me a 'bad brother', and then on a dozen occaisions wanted to high five me. I remember at one point we were sprinting at each other (don't ask) and she got her hands out for a high five, but i missed because I was so tired, and many people found that funny. First class at the gym was a killer. The second class was even more of a killer, and the third class I could barely hold  my head up by the end of it. I wonder if this will help my stamina or fitness, or if doing this is simply a form of maschochism. Either way,...same time next week?

I like how the cute instructor sweats, she has a nice giggle, she has a nice smile, she has a certain allure with the wrinkles on her face when she smiles. Its honest, its' mature, its happy. I have been thinking about aging today briefly. I think to myself, other than baldness, I would quite like getting older, I think I might be more attractive with wrinkles, I think it might give my face more distinction if I were more wrinkly and my skin leathery and worn. I look forward to being an old man, if I ever live long enough. I've also been thinking about mortality. I've been thinking about my dad and how I hate things about him. When I think about it more, I really hate the same things about myself, and realising that has made me think harder about myself.

When I'm at the gym pushing myself hard i think to myself: my dad would never do something like this, so maybe I'm being away from ending up like my dad. When I'm running home from the gym and working a sweat, exhausted and tired, and I need to push myself harder, I think to myself: my mum wouldn't push hard like this. If I am going to be anything different from where I've come from, whether thats my culture, my family, my circumstances, and my circumstances are pretty shit; I'm going to have to strive more.

Today, at least physically, I did some striving. I also realised how I had little time to do things today, and despite that, I rushed myself and pushed on and got things done within a time frame. I've got to frame things and rush things. I 've got to be busy, and to be busy means to realise there's not much time. This means having that old mindset of having exams like back in the day. I've got to think I'm always doing exams.


...but then I pause to wonder. Wasn't working myself in that extreme way the very thing that led to my depressive episodes?

Fuck ... what now?

No. Stick to the plan. The past may not dictate what will happen now. Its different now. It wasn't just the working pattern, it was the loneliness as well back then. I have nice social contacts nowadays, could be better but not bad. part of me wonders if I could just go straight to bed, crash to sleep and wake up fresh in the morning. I would absolutely love that. But I always seem to be mentally restless at night.

This week I've been doing many of the things that I've basically been meaning to do. There was a time a few months ago when I said to myself how because of work and other things I seemed too busy to get things done and I felt it was a regret that I had to push a lot of shit back, and it felt like a burden. Well when it happened between last week and this week, I accepted it as a routine thing and didn't seem to feel like it was something I had to pay too much attention to. However, if I have a week off work and then a week full on work, I can't waste time with the week off. there's a girl on okcupid chatting to me, and another girl on gchat who iwants to talk dirty. I am never good at saying no when it comes to chatting with a girl online. I hould just bid them good night and focus on sleep.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

22 Days

Do you know how in those films, or in the news when you hear about those tragic lost at sea moments people have, or a natural disaster, when they look for survivors, and then they stop looking? I kind of feel that way about the Sentinel. It's been 22 days since my induction and I haven't heard back from them yet. I don't know what to think, what to feel. Well I am disappointed, saddened. I feel a bit like I'm reverting back to hopeless.

So I have a week off work, Next week will have a bit of activity, a good few hours. But July is going to be quiet at Shambly arena. August even more so. It picks up again in September. I can't believe I am even thinking about september at this point. That's fucking depressing. I really need to make more money. I've been doing these odd tests here and there, where I test websites and apps and user interfaces, and that gives a little bit of money and it is fun to test apps and stuff. I was sent a webcam by those people today, and did an android webcam test. Basically the webcam is on a stand and it faces down on a table, so you could write stuff or use a tablet and it would record what you do. Last month I was feeling hopeful. Now that feeling has faded.

I feel really disappointed with the Sentinel. People are asking me why I haven't started working with them yet, and not even I am able to answer this.

So last night I did some blogging, I wrote a piece that was really personal. I am writing it under one of my pseudonyms. I think its sad that I have to have so many faces because my real one would be compromised.

[Interrupted from blogging]

I just got a call from the doctors - I'm possibly going to go through another treatment option. Another assessment. Fuck me. At least I am getting followed up about this.

I wish that call was from the Sentinel. Fuck! I am tempted to email them about it. I'm really realyl really desperate to work for them. But I do feel like I'm not going to be. I think I need to accept this and start looking elsewhere. I hate waiting, it reminds me of darker times.

Yesterday at the gym I went to balance class. After class I did some time on the cardio bike. I went on and on with the feeling that I just had to go on, I felt like I just had to keep going. I felt like I was having an inward looking experience as I was on that bike. It was quite spiritual. Today I intend to do three classes, if I get the shorts dry. I will do CXWorx, Body Combat and then Body Attack. That's about 2.5 hours of training, plus 40 mins of walking. I hope it will help me sleep. When I think about my disappointment with the Sentinel, I just fall into a dark abyss that I can't get out of. I would at least like to do something with my mind and my body that is positive and constructive. I really really love pushing my body hard at the gym. I need to have a better diet though. According to my schedule, if I just did those classes, I'll have done 6 things of note for my calendar. Lets make it 8...I'm going to spend the next couple hours really trying to make things happen.

I'm off to the laundry now.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Diary,

I set a to do list probably around 11am today. 6 hours later, I've virtually done most of the tasks. I infact am very eager to do more. I am thinking of going to the gym in an hour, then doing a class, then after the class I'll do an hour of cardio on the machines. Hopefully by then I will feel significantly tired and tomorrow begins with more chores.

I've got to focus on the tasks instead of the outcomes.


posted at 1159

Hello Humidity, welcome back to my life.

Fuck you can tell its summer with that humid air. Either that or my room has a big stank!

So I thought I'd make the most of my few days off. It gets hectic at work next week. Still no news from the sentinel. I woke up this morning feeling shit about it, then I had a wank. So one thing I've been trying to do since yesterday after reading a blog from Stever Robbins, the Get-It-Done Guy. I love their podcasts. Yes I sound like a walking advert. The Advice about working efficiently is to have a mindset of being busy and in a hurry.

So, that's what I'll do. I've made a schedule and a to-do list. I'm going to hopefully start it from midday. It's 1156 now so I better hurry up and write this post. I wrote this post because I wanted to put down my to do list, so I can state my intentions and then follow through for the next 4 hours. So, the do to list (just turned 1157) is:

  1. Examine PhD course options - 5 PhD studentships I found recently
  2. Update CV - to include my volunteering and mentoring (note to self - include Linkedin)
  3. Email Catchup (ongoing)
  4. Continue book review - aim for 30 pages today
  5. Wordpress blog clearup - metatagging and shit
  6. Garden tasks? (do if you have any time)

Okay its 1158. I'm going to have a shit then Im going straight on it. Also as I'm doing the tasks I'm going to put some podcasts and documentaries on. OH YEAH!


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

community leader?

I'm also doing some volunteering stuff next month, as a 'mentor' or 'community leader'. I always see that phrase used on the news. 'Community leader' - fuck - am I one of them?

Dreaming about nostalgic related shit

I had a weird dream last night. Me and my two friends who I should give a name, were at our old school (the one where I'm supposed to perform) and I was in a rehearsal space which looked more like a modern office (dreams don't make sense) and for some reason one of the guys was playing on these various saxophones that belonged to a guy who is now a professional musician. Then what happened was that he found me a clarinet that was really fancy, but it didn't have some of the regular keys, so it must have been an early 18th or 19th century configuration compared to the modern commercial clarinet. So I was playing on it and it felt really smooth, but some of the notes I couldn't remember, which is actually quiet accurate to how I would realistically play.

Then I was saying to the guys how they are playing around too much and we needed to leave. Also for some reason the piano I was playing on in that room was a steinway.

Then I woke up and found a message on my phone from that saxophonist guy. Really weird

So now I'm getting back to my tasks. I have reading catchup listed as a task. I should do some other shit too, of course. I have gotten a new addon for firefox that is a bit better than Echofon, except for the fact that I am continually being given things from my twitter feeds!


Okay, so today is a day where I have no excuse not to do stuff. Get it fucking done, man!


P.S. I need to think about what I will perfrom next month for that retirement gig.

I should sleep instead of blog at 1:59am

So I've spent the last 3-5 hours doing menial tasks. This involves catching up on RSS feeds, downloading podcasts, listening to audiobook, reading artifcles and catching up on emails. I read a cool article just now that the best way to get things done is to realise how busy you are and how limited your time is. I'm kind of on board for that.

I think I wrote my review for Monday of what activities I've done. There's much more I could do tomorrow. I've set the groundwork, tomorrow is just following through.

Something else on my mind right now: today (17th-18th June specifically) is the day I found out my Neighbour was found dead in Northern Europe in his apartment on his own. In months afterwards the stories came out of what happened to him, he had really bad alcoholism, he had a decline and was kicked off his Masters course (due to alcohol related abuse). Then he died, found with 100 cans and a bottle of spirit. My life is pretty dark because of the dark shit around me. When that guy died, I realised how my whole past with him in it was darker than I remembered it. The little things like how he never left his room or how we never saw him on social occaisions after he turned 18 - were all signifiers of his alcohol abuse. Since then his mother died, Eileen.

I know that everything in life is subject to change. I kind of hate how the nice things are changing shit, and the bad things are not changing to good. I kind of wish I changed to more good things. I need to do more to make that happen. I've made a contribution to my local community, I did some composing, I get my friends together for music which gives them joy. I'm going to be doing some mentoring related stuff in the summer.

In other news. I have been selected to perform for my music teacher, I'm part of an elite cadre of 10 people chosen to perform. I will be a soloist, as my other friends who studied under him, are having a blast in the mediterranean. I'm going to play as a soloist again - back where I was born as a musician, and where I thought the old me died.

Thinking about that music teacher is brining back so many memories, and I'm not sure if I need them right now. I'm not sure if I need the distraction.

Monday summary

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up pretty late, Must not repeat that. I felt dead tired in the morning, which is why I got up late. So, maybe I'll talk about what I've done today.

  • Archiving
  • More garden stuff - catching up on tasks
  • Job Searching (I can't keep waiting for the sentinel)
  • Purple schema tasks
  • Went to gym class: body combat (a new situation)
  • Weights + Cardio session after class

Have I done enough with my day? I don't know. I feel like I'm doing the metaphorical version of John Lockes' underlabouring (fuck, that's a metaphor within a metaphor) - did I just reference the 17th Century quasi-empiricist philosopher John Locke? What's wrong with me?

So what tomorrow? More of the same - although I've done all of the job searching (green schema) tasks today. I think I should do some book reviewing to catch up on. I have a lot to catch on. But does most of it really matter? I think I could just cut out most of the things I do. I would like to make my life easier. More streamlined

Monday, June 17, 2013

Dear Diary,

I seem to be restless mentally. Judging by the fact I'm blogging on here all the time. I have a lovely little app on my browser that I just press and it opens up a blogging window, so its easy for me. Its easier than speed dialing on my phone. Especially since I have fat fingers and smart phones are so small.

Something on my mind at the moment: in my calendar I put anniversaries. I seem to be finding a lot from 2010-2011, a few from 2012. But when I think about it I haven't put in many anniversaries for 2013. In other words, if there were a significant day this year I'd put in a yearly notification on my calendar to say 'on this day (2013) and there arne't many 'on this day' dates.

Maybe that's because I don't consider many of the things significant, or maybe because I am not doing much of significance. I find the latter hard to believe. I did some composing this april, and I am possibly doing another composing project with my actor friend. Its so exciting!

Week 24 review

 A review of the most previous week against my 2013 new years resolution targets

Gym sessions: 6 (exceeded target)

Job applications: 0 (target failed - but I am supposed to be starting a new job)

Reading target: advanced on book review (ongoing)

Music target: jam session and practicing - could be better

Fatigue day monitoring - two days of fatigue recorded

Target: do something unfmailiar 4 Days of unfamiliar situations: Tuesday - went to see show at west end; Wednesday - funeral at Ruislip; Friday - Gig at camden, spontaneous pub and drinking plan afterwards; Sunday - jamming session



This has been a testing week, I did a triple class at the gym, I did two classes after the funeral, I spent way too much money. I booked an ultrasound appt with the GP, I went to a gig and then spontaneous pubbage afterwards, did a jamming session at my place - this has been a tough week physically. I'm surprised I don't have more stupour days. I have felt pretty stupour high lately. I am also disappointed at not doing any green schema tasks. Next week will be less tasks that require me leaving the house except for fitness things. That means I'll have more time to focus on the basics like washing my clothes and reading or remembering to shave.

Things I should do this coming week:

  • Manscaping
  • Book review
  • More reading
  • More gym
  • Earn some money
  • Hope I'll hear from the Sentinel
  • Reply to more emails
  • Investigat PhDs

The Hangover part 2

So Sunday, Another hangover, another late waking up time! I woke up too late to enter the garden. Hardly anyone was around this week. Last week we had the big public opening and lots of attention. Now we are doing the tedious maintenance that nobody is interested in. I went to the garden, feeling groggy. Last Night I ate a fuckload of takeaway and watched all the shit films: 2 fast 2 furious, Raw Deal, Con Air, it was on the telly. For good measure we were watching embarrassing bodies and cheering at the penile dysfunction guy and then going phroawwrrr at the breast elective surgery woman when it showed the gruesome details of her areole reduction. Needless to say we were acting vulgar.


We ate lots of takeaway. I ate a lot of fucking takeaway. One trope that has repeated a lot among my conversations this week has been: we desperately need one of our friends to get married so we can do a hangover-style stag party. Of course by hangover I mean those ridiculous films where they get so blind drunk they wake up with a tiger in their room or face tattoo or end up married in the state of nevada. We love that film because my group of friends can sometimes get rowdy and we do stupuid shit. I love being with those friends because we act like children when we are officially grown ups. In real life I have to deal with security procedures, first aid emergencies or whatever other fucking shit that is mandated of me, but I love letting go of that and being playful and unexpected and fun. I am too uptight sometimes and its nice to be with my bros and enjoy life.

Another thing after the garden was that I had a jamming session with my saxophonist friend. We did a long rehearsal where I was introducing principles of music to him. We then went over some songs, and then I went over tonging technique. After he left I tidied up the house, had a wank and oddly enough, chatted to a woman on OkC who apparently has read through much of this blog. I am shocked. I also want to pretend that I didn't recieve that information. Why? I like writing this blog without giving a shit what people think, she's really hot and I would normally feel self conscious and shy and coy about something like this blog if anyone found out. This blog is am outhpiece for me that the world isn't, or that having a bestie like Kai would have been for me.

I'll just pretend I'm the only one who knows this blog. This will be my awkward mark corrigan internal monologue. Speaking of internal monologue: here are some recurring thoughtso f late:

  • I'm low on cash
  • I haven't heard from the sentinel
  • I feel fat
  • I need to do more gym
  • i'm behind on my schedule
  • I'm hungry again
  • I spent too much money
  • I don't have any going out obligations or work next week so I've got to do more gymmage!

I better do something else than blogging now.


Memories of Kai

Lets introduce a character in my past: Kai. Kai was a guy I met last friday, in the incident where I saw those guys in the pub in camden. One of them used to be my best friend in primary school, then we had a falling out. I can't believe how similar he and I are when I saw him. We have the same hair. We have similar musical tastes (and thats very very rare), we even have the same fucking birthday.

I fell out with him over somethign stupid. I never ever talked to him until then, until friday. When I was growng up there were walls of silence. My dad didn't (and still doesn't) communicate with my sister, we in the family don't know why. I get told off for even acknowledging this, and we pretend it's not happening. I don't like how people pretend its not happening. I don't like how everyone pretends its not happening and is okay with it. I grew up being forced to be okay with it, to accept this. Then I started repeating this behaviour. By not talking to Kai.

I had dreams where I wanted to talk to him again, like it was some kind of action film and I'd say 'come on lets team up one last time to get the bad guys!'. He was a real academic smart kind of guy. Then we fell out and we both changed. I began to be the academic one and the studious one. He ended up wanting to be the heavy metal rocker type guy who oozed cool, that I wanted to be as a superficial primary school kid. We kind of reversed roles when we fell out, we reversed our lives.

Now I saw him, I heard he's working in a studio or unemployed or in a band or something like that (the stories simultaneously both blurry, inconsistent and concurrent). I heard he qualified in a vocational studio production thingy. I heard he's in a metal band and all they do is drink and not rehearse. I'm not going to say that I ended up the studious academic one whose doing well. Fuck, for all I know he's doing better than me, and I will say good for him. I can be jealous of lots of people, but not Kai. Kai and I were brothers once. Kai and I were so close people tease me that we fell out.

I feel like many things in my life were attributed to falling out with Kai, and there was a lot of tension and anxiety inside me because of seeing him in that pub. Seeing him reminded me of lots of things. In sixth form he was part of a group of people that everyone ignorantly called the 'grungers'. However grunge music was a movement in the early 90s and a decade on these guys were more into hard rock and heavy metal and far from anything grunge. But it was the foppy hair and rebellion people saw as grungey.

Funny enough, despite my interest in heavy metal now. I had nothing to do with it back in those days and I saw them as similarly alien. They even had a secret handshake. Some of the guys were talking about it and I didn't realise they had this, until I really thought about those past memories. I feel guilty about falling out with Kai. I feel like I'm responsible for him in some way. My mum was a psych nurse in a hospital and Kai's mum was a patient. Kai's mum had schizophrenia as an educated guess knowing what specialism my mum had. My parents looked out for Kai and his family, and because we were also friends it didn't seem intruding when my mum would do nice things like take us out to lunch or something like that. I think my mum felt some sense of sadness about Kai. Kai's family situation was pretty rough. Kai's dad was long term unemployed, and his mum was never around due to the nature of her illness. Kai lived in a pretty dark surrounding. I feel like such a cunt for de-friending him. The reason was so stupid its the kind of thing a 10 year old would ignorantly do.

I remember I made him cry when we stopped being friends. Then he cried for two days straight in school. Then he made a new group of friends, then I was exiled for what I did. We were like bart and milhouse. I know its a really small thing now, years later. My friendship with Kai and the falling out, I think defined many of my relationships afterwards. My friendships with men are now always with some kind of distance and I don't have a true besty like I did with Kai. I hate lots of different kinds of besties, sure, but he was so different.

Its' weird, I'm talking about him like he's an ex lover or something.

Talking to him made me feel like my guilt was released from me. I had a big anxiety moment that night (two nights ago now).

Maybe I'll talk about today in my next post...

Saturday, June 15, 2013



  • Went to work
  • Got home from work
  • Wanked
  • Went out to gig
  • Late to gig (ate takeaway tiwce)
  • Gig
  • After gig: go to local metal pub in camden
  • Surprise conversation with three guys from secondary school
  • Anxiety attack - leave the pub and sit outside.
  • Covnersation with guys outside pub
  • Go home
  • Drinks at my place with two of the guys
  • Possible faux pas
  • Wank before sleep


  • Woke up too late for gym
  • wanked like 5 times
  • practiced piano
  • ate a lot
  • Felt lazy

Right now I put the computer on the desk and am trying to catch up on stuff. My brain is feeling quite stupoured. Trying to do stuff.This week has been unexpectedly busy: I'll review the week:

Monday: work, gym, garden meeting

Tuesday: GP, go and see musical,

Wednesday: Funeral, travelling, double gym session

Thursday: Shopping for trousers, triple gym session

Friday: Gig, work, post-gig social stuff, travelling throughout

Saturday: Stupour


Emotionally a lot going on today. I think I just need time to space it out, pace it out. I can't go on top gear all the time. I'm resting today.

Friday, June 14, 2013

dear diary,

A platitude I keep getting back to: I have to stop living in memories and the past. I ned to make memories, live in the now. I need fo look forward, instead of back. I need to make things better right now. I can't do that by buring my head in the sand. It feels physically difficult sometimes.

Anyway. Off to work.

Dear Diary,

After the gym session yesterday I decided not to do any thinking. I just went and crashed. I slept for a while, I don't know for how long, but probably not 8 hours. I feel slightly better this morning. So now I'm off to work. I had a weird dream last night, oddly enough, it was one of those short hair dreams again. Weird. When I woke up I felt a pretty bad anxiety moment. I hate waking up with anxiety. I can't even escape it through sleep.

I really need to hear from the Sentinel people. It's taking too long.

I am thinking of getting to work early to get some lunch. I can't do that if I am blogging. Off I go..

Long day today. After this I'm off to a gig. I don't really want to go either.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

triple session

Dear Diary,


I've made myself do things that have distracted me from desk duties. On the other hand they have also distracted me from not hearing anything from the Sentinel. Today I did a first, three classes in a row. That was about 2.5 hours of gymmage. I am quite sore, quite tired, but quite satisfied. I had a good heart burn today.


Need to shower, eat, listen to podcasts in bed and then relax. Work tomorrow, after work I'm off to a gig.

Things I've done today:

  • Bank Transfer after paid in
  • Bought work trousers
  • Body attack
  • Body combat
  • CXWorx class

It will do for today.

thursdsay slursday

Dear Diary,

After the funeral and the gym I felt pretty tired. I haven't been up to speed on my schedule. I seem to be doing lots of things and most of it isn't really important: going out with friends, garden planning meeting. Well, going to work was pretty important I must say. I look forward to working tomorrow and eating some of that fish and chips.

I woke up and finally managed to have a think about what I need to do. Most of the tasks I've drafted out as a provisional plan and not on my schedule. These include:

  • Eat
  • Go out and get some trousers for work - has to be M&S, I need quality trousers to last
  • Think about gym classes today
  • (I did this already) check if I have been paid for last month, if so (I was) pay off overdraft (I did).

Ugh, so I got paid and I already had to pay £70. Fuck me. Now I have to spend more in order to get the work trousers. AND i STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE SENTINEL. FUCK!

I don't know how I'm coping right now. Money is hard right now, despite pay rise and despite the prospect of working for the Sentinel. I fucking hate this climate. Transport is expensive, food is going up. I have no hope of getting a fucking mortgage any time soon. my life is fucked fucking fucked. It's almost tempting to just get blotto on JD to ease the pain and feel like I'm away from it all.

But I can't. Part of me lately has been thinking in a spiritual sort of way. Idon't like using that word. I want to reach some form of authenticit,y I need to be who I am, or at least, a version of myself that I used to be, that aspect of fire that i used to have, of intensity, of skill and determination. I can only be that through pushing myself. My head feels dizzy and I'm hungry.

It's hard to show fire. But I must

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Dear Diary,

Why did I spent all of last night until about 5am wanking, drinking coca cola and watching Fast 5?

I think that's a sign I'm losing my control and sense of reality.

funeral today

Dear Diary,

I'm off to a funeral in a moment. I didn't have much chance to sleep last night. I couldn't sleep, too much on my mind. Still not heard from Sentinel. Yesterday I went out to see 'West End Men', which was an average performance. I really liked the live music, but overall it was arrogant.

My head is in a pretty bad place lately. I just seem not to be able to focus lately. My head is just floating, unable to concentrate, unable to do something specifically, unable to see the big picture.

In other news, I saw the GP and she's going to put me through an ultrasound on my muscle that's troubling me. Progress. I think

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

women I hardly know starting conversations with me

so at the pub at the garden planning meeting, I went to get a water, and then the lady at the bar asks me if I am at the local gym doing classes. I give a nonchalant answer saying how I am usually there and I do a lot of classes, so I have probably been to the same classes as she, then we talked about the saturday body pump class and laughed a bit. Then I walked away. I didn't really know how to end the conversation, so I just said my last sentence and then it drifted off. She was pretty, that's why I am thinking lots about it.

Then after the meeting of garden related interests, I RAN to the gym as my mate had already been training. On the way I saw the sometimes-instructor, Iona (yeah lets say that's her name), Iona seemed all excited to see me as she left the gym and I was coming in, she was all like 'Hey Conatus!' and as I was 5 feet away from her she got her hand out like a high five position, and I was thinking to myself: am I going to give a high five to an adult outside a gym? is this what is being asked of me in this social interaction? And...I thought, maybe I'll take a chance and interpret  this social sign, and we did a high five. I awkwardly smiled, she stopped as we passed, I stopped, and then I walked on awkwardly, our exhange of words were like: how are you doing? erm erm I'm okay..see ya around brother!

Surely someone who calls me brother isn't sexually attracted to me, she just seems overly excitable and happy. She seems really happy, like she's part of a cult. I do worry sometimes that these fitness classes seem cult-like. I like going, I like the laughter and atmosphere, but to see it as drug like and cult like? That's a little worrying. Maybe I don't really understand social interactions as well as I think I do. Goffman doesn't help me here. Also her hands were pretty rough. Either that or my hands are really soft, or she does a lot of weights and calloused them all up. I feel weird about making contact with a hot physical woman, I mean, a physical contact with a hot physical woman. Why am I calling her a physical woman, as oppsed to metaphysical? metaphorical? An image on my computer screen that I masturbate to?

I think I masturbate too much and don't know how to react to real women, women that aren't porn actors that I can press pause to and adverts for penis enlargement suddenly turn up. I do love my porn. Maybe I am cult like in the way I masturbate all the time. I don't think I can be cult like in a solitary activity - although there is self-flaggelation, and wanking is flaggelation-like.

Anyway, I think its odd how doing all this time at the gym has seemingly made me familiar to people in public. It kind of feels nice, but also feels a bit anxiety-inducing. I like to feel anonymous sometimes, I like to be invisible. I've spent so much of my life being invisible to people, even employers, I don't know how to cope when I'm not invisible, when I'm recognisable. I must say though, it is nice to find something to talk to pretty women about. There's another pretty woman who talks to me in classes, I think its the same woman anyway, for thep ast couple of weeks people ask me when I'm waiting outside the class things like 'oh is this xx class?' I answer yes, then they go on about how they like keeping fit and classes and stuff, and I try to carry the conversation. Is there something about me now that I'm older that makes me so susceptable to unprovoked conversations with women?

Something I need to work on. My social ineptitude with both men and women.

The past 2 days

Dear Diary,

I should have expected to be away from the comupter all day yesterday. I was just not thinking. However I had enough ability to go through the day without my schedule. I must admit I don't know how I really lived without my schedule. I guess I thought about the one or two most important tasks. Then everything went to detriment. I think in a way I still have that problem, but it was seriously bad back in the day. Anyway, no dwelling.

So, um, the past couple of days. I've been walking around a lot. I've been talking to lots of people. I was at work yesterday, there was a good crowd I was working with yesterday, and it felt like I wasn't really in contact with the guests or mentally engaging with the event, however it went well without too much problem. The highlight of my day may have been the fun chats at work. I also liked having lunch: yorkshire pudding, sausages, peas and onion gravy all inside the yorkshire pud. Then I had a cola and mars bar to top it all off. It was to make up for not eating too much on sunday. I have a colleague who finds it funny how much I obsess about food. I love food, it is like a spiritual gin. I'm addicted to food, I am chemically dependent on it.

After work I watched the finale of Game of Thrones. Everyone and their incestuous mothers are talking about game of thrones these days. It's funny to be watching a tv series that is so current in the consciousness of people. I feel like I'm a part of the conversation by having watched the red wedding and whatnots. Lots of my jokes are game of thrones related: for example, saying hodor all the time, and talking about who is the coolest character, and laughing at Theon Greyjoy, that accidental incest bastard.

After game of thrones I had a wank, then went to a planning meeting. Interesting discussions, we were talking about the success of sunday, and then we talked about funding and the future. After planning meeting I went to the gym to do some weights. I haven't done some weights regularly in a very long time and it was quite nice to pump those irons, even though I am out of touch with it! I need to mix up my training more, definitely, but I do need to put in more weights, more specific power building and muscle building as well as the cardio. Ha, I never thought I'd say that!

In other news: women I hardly know starting conversations with me...maybe I'll start this as another post now

Monday, June 10, 2013

waking up with anxiety.

dear diary


two dreams i remember

I was in a retail shop, it looked like a video/dvd/games shop and these girls were talking really loudly and then i thought they were going to make a spectacle as security made a fuss so i thought i'd make sure there was a record of it on cctv or someone's camera phone for court purposes and then they chased me and said i was infringing their rights by getting a record of them acting immaturely, then what happened is i found out they were using homophobic language and being violently threatening, and i was carrying a bug the whole time to record them and they had nothing on me and plus the fact they chased me down i had them in a position where i could prosecute them, and i felt powerful, and then the dream ended.

Another dream, there was a wall of some kind of remembrance. I saw eileen and her husband. I said hello to eileen and she seemed to be grieiving and then I looked at the wall and her husband was there. I saw that it had her name on the remembrance wall and i must have been imagining that she was there because i still am not over that she's dead, then i gave the husband a hug and he said i have a cold and then i woke up feeling very anxious. Then when I woke up i realised how all of the activity I experienced yesterday in terms of social contact with all the other people at the garden, all the new people and the conversation at the pub afterwards, had suddenly jumped at me at that very moment of waking up and giving me anxiety.

I hate waking up with anxiety. It's really horrible. I keep referring my mind back to those days in 2006 when I'd wake up wretching from anxiety. I wonder...was it worse back then, or was I just less able to tolerate?

So today: off to work, garden meeting. Worrying about money. I wonder if today will be busy at work

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Dear Diary,


I've thought after I finished my last post (3 mins ago) I would check the blog and look at how many blog posts I mad last month. I made 55. Apparently the record so far is 57 in Sept 2010. Then I looked at what I was writing back then.


Fucking hell. I really do know how to capture the zeitgeist. I really don't fucking ever want to look back at those days. I don't want to look back. I resist looking back even if its good. It's cringeworthy reading this shit. I wonder if I'm in my 40s or my children, or people who knew mew when I'm long dead are reading this shit, and think: fuck, this guy was a bit of an airhead.

Well, that's me I guess. I did also write essays on Wagner, and philosophy, or social issues and identity politics. I did also volunteer with community groups and support good causes. I did also have a reasonable social life oriented around the gym. Speaking of which. I'm really looking forward to seeing sexy older woman instructor at the gym tomorrow morning. She makes me feel giddy inside. I'm so obviously attracted to her. She's probably taken. She's so dreamy, she has lovely thick legs and a boyish body, lovely short hair (mine's way longer) and I love seeing her all red when she's pushing herself, fuck, even I go all red and I dont have the pigmentation for blushing. Well.. I used to think that. Those women at the gym on saturday classes make me blush like nobodie's business. Blushing gets the blood going, the heart pumping and I use that to push hard on the irons.



Fuck I need to sleep. I'll only get like 4-5 hours today. Fuck me. Lots to do this weekend.

God I squandered my 20s :(

3:37 and still awake

Dear Diary,

For the past few days I have developed a penchant for writing quasi-academic essays in the middle of the night. For me, it seems to be the only way I can relax my anxiety. It feels like I'm doing something important. It feels like I'm saying something deep and long-lasting. I feel like I am close to slumber now. Tomorrow is another day, actually today is tomorrow!

I didn't hear from that girl. Anxiety drama averted.

My life is full of odd contrasts. Practicing piano friday night, masturbating, writing essay on 19th century composer, tomorrow I'm going to boxing and weights class (two sepereate classes); then I'm prepping for this blasted community garden event on sunday. I am thinking of going to oxford but I really shouldn't. I've got a fuck ton to do. I think to myself, one day I'll idolise all this shit I'm doing.

Fuck I wish my life were better. I really fucking do. I need help. Will someone help me make it better? Even a manic pixie dream girl or magical ethnic minority character would do.

Off to bed.

music teacher is retiring

Dear Diary,

I was thinking about getting shit done and then I got a message on facebook. It was a thread. Of names I didn't recognise. I scrolled to the top and it was this little kid I used to know in college. He was like in year 8 at the time of when I was in year 13. He's not a little kid anymore I should say.

Apparently our music teacher is retiring and he's planning a big shindig (his word is soiree) to see him off. I've had lots of feelings just now from thinking about it.I've got lots of feelings and thoughts going on. I'll stream of consciousness that shit:

I'm thinking about all the older guys who were in years before and I want to show them how I'm a big man now and I had grown up and became a big sixth former who made an impression on young year 7-8s when it came to my time as the 'best musician' in the school; I want to tell them all how I am a composer now (sort of) and I have got a show where my music is being performed right now and then later in the edinburgh fringe this summer; I'm thinking about how I belong to a very special group of people: that music teacher has many people who have ended up in interesting places becaause of him. I am by far the least interesting; there's my friend who works at a very special music manufacturer and then he worked at royal albert hall and chappells; there's all the jazz musicians; theres even a couple of urban grime/hiphop guys who 'graduated' from that music teacher's schooling. I am so excited. I'm thinking so much about the past. I will tell those alumni: hi, I'm the 04 leaver. I did some composing recently. I'm still playing the piano. I'm one of you.

I belonged. For once in my sad fucking life I really belonged somewhere I felt like I had a place. I felt like I was going somewhere. These feelings, these memories. They haunted me later on. It's like a power rangers reunion - I'm one of the old rangers, and I'll see older and younger rangers.

This is our forever red moment, and he was our zordon.

Friday, June 7, 2013

I'm saying fuck a lot in these posts these days.

Dear Diary,

Doing fuck all today. Part of me feels like I've given up on hearing from the Sentinel. Which is totally fucked up.

Doing some archiving today. I am also supposed to see a girly later tonight. Not sure what's going on there. I don't know if weare meeting up, she's kinda flaky. I'm feeling kinda flakey too. I feel exhausted, disoriented and my anxiety is playing up. Maybe its the lack of hearing from her that makes me feel like I'm anxious. I don't know to be honest. I feel like my mind is tired. On the other hand I hate being zombie-like. Am I depressed? No fucking idea. A family friend did just die this week. That and the instability and uncertanity of this supposedly new job with the Sentinel.

I don't fucking know where I stand, in life, in everything. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck

It would seem so nice if I could just lay in bed and not give a shit about anything right now. I feel anxiety just from reading an audiobook. Today I did some coding and I was catching up on news. In the philosophy world, a philosopher, Colin McGinn who I once saw on a tv programme about atheism, is accused of sexual harassment. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. It also makes me not want to go into academia if that's the kind of environment one has to be around. Fuck me.

I do seem to be expressing a sense of frustration lately in the blog. I feel like I'm struggling just to be lucid lately.

craving coca cola for some weird reason.

Dear Diary,

I feel too tired to think. In terms of plasticity. I did two different things today. I did a triple session of gym things: two classes and a weights session, with warmup. I also tried a new abdominals class which was a living hell. I'm also aware how fucked my deltoid is on the right, at present.

I did something else new. I met up with that lady on fetlife. She was nice, sort of how I imagined her, round, short, cute, sorta ordinary. Nice. Then I went to work, not much happened. What one might call in the parlance, easy money. I don't want money easily, not at such a low amount. I want hard money or loadsa money.

I can't even think about tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after. My body feels really tired. My body is also craving coca cola right now. I have no fucking idea why.

I feel like I don't care what happens tomorrow, or the rest of the week. My body feels wrecked. Maybe come saturday morning I will do some gym shit. There's a girl I chat to on okcupid, not romantic, although she's really friendly. I really like chatting with her. I guess mainly because right now I don't have anyone else. She emoticon smiles at lots of things I sy, I really would like someone to chat to right now.

3 hours at the gym. I'd pat myself on the back, if I wasn't craving coke so bad (coca cola)

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Things I've done today

  • Meet up nice woman from fetlife for lunch
  • Work
  • CXWorx class at gym
  • Weights session
  • Body Combat class
  • Bood review reading (at work)

Now I shower, then off to eat/sleep/not give a shit about anything.


dear diary

I wrote 2 blog posts (non conatus), and I drafted a blog about romanticism. I am reading a book about heavy metal subcultures and I'm reading a friend's manuscript on philosophy that he's having published later this year. I'm all about the reading lately. I did lots of reading yesterday (wednesday) and fell asleep to the sound of podcasts and indie music.

I think the only thing on my mind that gives me pleasure besides wanking and writing and music is food. I love food. Food is my comfort. Food is my safety shield from the world. God I love those dirty bacon crisps. Might take some with me to work.

So I was just confirming the plans for the next few days. On Thursday my plan is:

  • Wake up
  • Pack my shit together (include lunch)
  • Meet up older woman who is sexually into me from Fetlife
  • Do some reading at work
  • Do paid work at shambly arena
  • Go to the gym after work
  • Do three classes
  • Get the fuck home.

body [not responding]

"Why don't you push yourself harder?"


Dear Diary,


This is the question I asked myself. Let's set an imaginary scene.


I'm actually in the bath, but in my minds eye, I'm sitting in a small enclosed room, reminiscent of something between the room where I did counselling in 2010, and an academic's office where tutorials happen. A place of interrogation and insight, and terror. I'm sitting on a leather chair, and the other person is sitting on a leather chair. The other person asks me:


Why didn't you do more today?


I was tired, I just had to listen to my body. I did some reading and then my mind and my body shut down and I collapsed.Part of me know where this line of thought is going.

You know you need to do better than this. Why don't you push harder, if you wanted to push yourself harder, let yourself pass out before you got stuff done today

Some days I get shit done. Other days I don't. If I'm honest. I've got lots of anxiety things in my head. Things that I know I'm obliged to do, things that I really should be doing. Then there's something else on my mind that's causing indecision. I'm waiting. I don't like the uncertainty. Wasn't I just offered a fucking job? Then why haven't I heard back from HR yet? Why haven't I gotten my first placement, my first assignment? Why am I just fucking waiting around?

You know that isn't up to you

I can't make plans without knowing

You can't keep waiting. You know what happened when you did that

I feel impotent. The anxiety, all the things in my head. I'm getting too many ideas. Then Irealise there are things I want to do that I can't afford to do (due to payday not coming yet). I wanted to go and see Megadeth this week. I want to go off to Oxford. I wanted to go on a date with the pretty librarian girl from okcupid. I wanted to go on that all night philosophy bender. I have garden stuff. I have blogging stuff. I have music obligations. I have other blogging stuff. I have a book review to do by August.

That voice in bold is still in the back of my head, my voice. Mia's voice. That voice that says I need to be better. When I silence it I know that I'm doing myself a disservice. I know I'm too complacent. I know that when I give a label to my accidie, to my indecision, it gives me an excuse.

I was reading a book lately, where Bruno Latour talks about how people use labels as a get-out clause to explain their behaviours or why they can't fail. They can't fail because they have depression, they can't fail because they have some medical condition. They use that medicalised bullshit as an excuse to avoid the realisation that they are a miserable fucking failure and gives them comfort to say its okay to fail.

I hate being a failure. I don't know why I am so tired today. I hate when my body is like my firefox browser. When too much shit happens it goes [not responding]. What would I like out of life? I'd like to go on dates. I'd like to sit in the pub with people I feel safe with and chat shit. I'd like to be in a job with more working hours. I'd like more independence from my disability. My vision is getting bad lately. I am planning to meet a woman tomorrow morning, she's been asking me out for ages, we are meeting for 'lunch' before I go off to work.  Then I'm off to work for a few hours, its one of those short notice shifts. By the way, when I say 'work' in this instance I mean old shambly arena, not Sentinel.

Lots of short notice shifts have come up lately at shambly arena. Shifts are a bit few and far between this month. July and August will be no better. I really need to get on with another work situation before it gets quiet at shambly. On the other hand, I do have a good opportunity to move forward with Sentinel. If only I fucking heard back from them! I am getting impatient. I need to learn patience. I need to learn calm.

I was so tired today that I couldn't go to the balance class today. In my stupour, I have been watching a fuckload of movies lately. I am abusing the dual screen and youtube. I am catching up with the shit that hollywood throws out there.

I haven't heard from the psychiatrists eitehr. I fucking hate when people don't follow up. I fucking hate when there's no touching of bases. Nobody really gives a fucking shit these days. I hate the lethargy of the world. I hate my own fucking lethargy

I need to fucking push myself more! FUCK!

Tomorrow is the premiere of that thing I was composing the other month. I can't go to it. I have too much shit going on. I feel really fucking frustrated right now. Why can't I get some feedback from the sentinel. I want to start soon! I'm pissed off at myself more, for having an eating disorder during my masters degree, for trying to save Marie.

I need to calm the fuck down and imagine a happy place. I like thinking about the piano downstairs, when I was there with my old piano teacher Jim Beam. I feel relaxed with my classical music. I have too many ideas in my head, my body feels so weak. I have so much to do. I might try to hurredly write blogs all night before I collapse.

so fucking drained. I want to cry.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Dear Diary,

Unusual self-revelation. I think I'm a fan of Rhianna's pop songs. I hear it all the time at the gym and it gives me fond memories, and fond associations.

Fuck me.

I feel really dizzy right now. I'm doing reading right now. Reading a book on black metal

dont take on too much

Dear Diary,

I've got a potential thing that I could do this week. Basically I want to go out of town and visit this thing that I helped out with in a little way. However I have problems with time management and it will be difficult for me to go. I feel it would be easier, a relief if I didn't go.

I am thinking of dedicating today to writing and reading. Stuff that I've been meaing to do for ages.

Ugh. I think I'm hungry. I think the moral of the story is not to take on too much.

Morning haze

Dear Diary,

I woke up about 7am and thought: ah fuck this! I get up properly by 10-10:30. So it's like 11:20 now. Fuck.

I think that I have been pissing away the time because I feel unwilling to move forward today. Which is not good. I was thinking to myself that there's lots that I need to do, but on the other hand, I felt that it would be okay just to rest up a bit today and wait for things to happen. Particularly I'm waiting for that email fromt he Sentinel about my first assignment. Fuck me.

So the first task I went through today was to 'clear our desk drawers'. I usually put a cap on what to clear out. Like 10 items. I'll tell you what shit I found in the memory sink that is my drawer desk:

  • Broken Sennheiser earphones from god knows when (I've been buying sennheisers since 2007 and they break like every 3-6 months.
  • Box of paracetamol
  • Mobile phone packaging that I don't need anymore
  • Douchebag jewelery bracelet and necklace that I got from primark - it was a summer themed party and it fitted. I also got an hawaiian shirt and super short shorts. - this was back in about 2010
  • more mobile phone packaging from last year
  • a packet of ketchup from a takeaway - seriously man, what the fuck? why would anyone keep shit like that.

I'm not a hoarder. I just keeep the valuable things. I do like how many of the things I've kept tell a story. In other news I found some cool random shit in my desk. I found my really cool bookmark whcih hooks on the back page and has a little tab thingy that holds the page. Not so good for hardbacks though. I also found some cod liver oil tablets which probably date back to 2009.

I know the cliche platitudes about living in memories. I fucking hate that I have this tendency.

I must move forward. Did I also tell you about the coffee stirrers? I have these stirrers that I found from work. I thought I'd take a bunch. I said to myself that if I had a significant day (brodly construed) I would take a stirrer out of the pile. Then one day all the stirrers will be gone, and I will look at myself and realise that I'm a better person than I was when I started compiling the stirrers and disposing of them one at a time. It's a weird ritual that reminds me of some old childhood thought patterns.


I've got lots of things on my mind which are up in the air lately. I think that's what is putting my motivation off. There's an ambiguity about whether I can go out on friday or saturday, but I can't. Fuck me. I am not good at dealing with stuff.

Oh I also noticed, it's getting more humid outside. Fucking hell. Just when I thought I sorted my sweating problem.

another death

Dear Diary,

I remember a year ago at the wedding. I was playing to remember fondly my piano teacher's instructions, to remember him and move forward. At the wedding a couple of guys were there, one in particular, sat beside me. This guy gave me confidence to play and made me feel good.

He was the guy at the hospice last week. That guy always had something to smile about. That guy was always smiling.Except for when I saw him at the hospice.

I remember the last few times I saw him the conversation of death came up, but not in terms of his. Knowing what I do now I would have been more sensitive. At the time in november I was really cut up about Eileen dying. I talked to him a little about that. I remember back in the wedding, there was a friend of my cousin, she had a twin sister who died tragically, and we talked about how tragic it was when we get the name wrong of one of the woman, and referring to her by her dead sister's name. I didn't realise he was dying at the time.

Now he is gone.


I said to myself morbidly in the past: how many people will have to die before I start working full time? The universe is cruelly funny how that seemed to answer itself.

I can't sleep right now. before I found out about this I was in a stupour. I still feel stupoured

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Monday (we own it)

Dear Diary,


So, what did I do today? I watched like an episode of Game of Thrones (fucking bloody and dark and sad all at once), then 5 episodes of a new series called 'Maron'. I had it on my screen as I was working on other things. I was doing my monthly and weekly review: that is an audit of the tasks I've been doing. According to that audit. I've done 26-28 gym sessions this May just passed; I've applied to a pathetically few number of jobs. I have recieved a job offer (albeit temp and contract), I've had two interviews, and I've started monitoring my 'fatigue' days and it shows I'm tired a third of the time.


What else did I do? I managed to get an extra day in at work (always good for the monies); I read more of that academic book manuscript that Irecieved last week. I did two gym classes today. A big fucking cardio sweat going on today. I had only one patch on my shirt that was dry. I'm really loving the Lonsdale shirts that I got from sports direct. I also just did some gardening stuff.

There's a big thing going on at the garden this Sunday. It's been planned for about the past 6 weeks and I have been really deep in organising it. I really like that we've made a bit of a team spirit when we are working together. Even though I'm more the loner. Yesterday at the garden I lent a pretty lady my gloves. I then used my hand wraps as protection. I have a cut on my finger, its got some weird excema shit growing from it now. Its the same finger that had skin issues back in 2009 because that's the finger I used to purge, you know, when I would put my fingers down my mouth and go WHRAHHHHHH and the puke and acidic water came out.


I think I did a lot today. I even wanked a lot today. I ate a bit, and I lazed a bit. I have been doing it all in big amounts it seems. I have felt a bit anxious today. Partly because I have been overwhelmed by so many tasks going on. All this garden and organising stuff, all this delegating, managing conflicting interests and agendas is hard. Game of Thrones is an overblown metaphor for real life. If I were in Game of Thrones I wonder who I'd be. I would love to be Khal Drogo (if he wasn't dead). Drogo is a sexy beast.

So tomorrow, what is on the menu:

  • Think about going to that premiere for the thingy I composed
  • More thoughts about going on a date on Friday
  • Feel miserable about cancelling on Megadeth
  • Write for my personal blog
  • Book reviewing
  • Write for another blog that I run
  • Apply to job at The Sentinel that I was suggested to apply for
  • Badminton
  • Maybe get that chest rig off my friend for the garden day

I want to go to bed, although Im in an immersive IM conversation with an amazing girl.


In other news. I realise that there are about 3-4 people who I know in real life who know about this blog. I originally worte this blog so that it was for my own thoughts, my own internal monologue. My mark corrigan moments and thoughts and feelings. I never want to be in a position where I have to filter my thoughts. I will just ignore the fact that people know me through this blog. I actually made a friend who discovered this blog, she thought I was vile and repulsive, then we made friends and bonded over our musical taste. Then she got all weird when I told her Im sexually attracted to men.


Onwards, motherfucka

p.s. this song is the soundtrack to my life at the moment. I have a massive Vin Diesel crush