double trouble

Dear Diary,

Woke up early this morning. Had a wank. I did two classes at the gym. That cute instructor that I like wasn't there. I felt a bit sad. I like seeing her. At the second class it didn't feel as fun without her. I realise that I must have an evident physiological attraction to her as I feel more motivated and inspired when I am at those classes adjacent to her. Fuck, does that make me shallow? I don't know. Maybe?

I suppose the question is this: would I keep going to the classes and train if she isn't at the class, or other similarly hot women weren't there? I think so, but the motivation would be different. I am inward when Im training on my own, but when theres someone i'm talking to or who is making eye contact with me, my mentality gets all different, and I must be honest. Its better when I feel more positive, when I can smell those sexy pheremones of female sweat instead of my own musty scent of sweat and defeat.

I really fucking pushed it hard at pump class today. My forearms were exploding and I just couldn't move anymore, and the instructor was like: what's the matter! and she laughed at me when she realised I reached failure. I love the way that the instructor of the pump class intimidates people into lifting more. Its funny how many of the women have none of it and just lift their weakling weights. Now I say this not from a gendered and misogynist point of view, but everyone has their strength and ability levels, and I know those women can deadlift more than 2x1.25kg - do you realise how fucking like 2x 1.25kg is? that's 2.5kg, that's less than most backpacks, less than a 2 litre of cola, less than a satchel, a plastic bag of shopping. Deadlift is the exercise that uses the most body muscle mass and as such you go heaviest on that. I am a weakling and I can't do 1x body weight, but I expect those women to at least do 0.2x of their body weight - they are healthy, fit - and they aren't pushing themselves with 2.5kg! As such, I totally relate to why the instructor was giving us all abuse about going lightweight - well, she wasn't giving me abuse, I thrive on verbal abuse when it comes to fitness, it's like a dare, and I always love rising to the challenge when it comes to dares. It's probably my flaw, like Marty McFly when he's being called a chicken.

So after the class, I sat around, had some lunch. I had a shower, and I am still very slowly getting on with tasks. I have discovered a new way of archiving my data., specifically my audio data. Now that I have a new way of archiving I can centralise all of my data. Which is good. I was asked out by a girl on fetlife last night. I declined. Last night  i was out with my brother and his mates at a local pub. I don't hang out with my brother much socially, so it was fun. They were talking about how two of them work in media, talking about E3, talking about owning dogs...guy stuff!

My body feels prretty rotten at the moment. My hips feel ripped to shreds. I think I'm going to abstain from gym tomorrow, maybe gardening. I have yet to decide about monday. To be honest, I can't think about anything right now. My brain feels tired. There's lots of things I could focus on but my mind is just too tired. Here's a list of worries:

• Sentinel
• Reading
• Blogging
• Reading for another project
• Performing next month
• Money
• Where the fuck my life is going

and so on.

 

I want to crash in bed, but I can't even do that. I have to go to the dry cleaners in a moment, to pick up my blazer for work. I love doing the gym classes really hard. It reminds me of purging. I miss purging so fucking much. THere's no relaease in life that gives me that purity that purging does.

In other news: I'll be seeing the psychologist next week and hopefully moving forward with that.

Onwards.