thursdsay slursday

Dear Diary,

After the funeral and the gym I felt pretty tired. I haven't been up to speed on my schedule. I seem to be doing lots of things and most of it isn't really important: going out with friends, garden planning meeting. Well, going to work was pretty important I must say. I look forward to working tomorrow and eating some of that fish and chips.

I woke up and finally managed to have a think about what I need to do. Most of the tasks I've drafted out as a provisional plan and not on my schedule. These include:

• Eat
• Go out and get some trousers for work - has to be M&S, I need quality trousers to last
• Think about gym classes today
• (I did this already) check if I have been paid for last month, if so (I was) pay off overdraft (I did).

Ugh, so I got paid and I already had to pay £70. Fuck me. Now I have to spend more in order to get the work trousers. AND i STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE SENTINEL. FUCK!

I don't know how I'm coping right now. Money is hard right now, despite pay rise and despite the prospect of working for the Sentinel. I fucking hate this climate. Transport is expensive, food is going up. I have no hope of getting a fucking mortgage any time soon. my life is fucked fucking fucked. It's almost tempting to just get blotto on JD to ease the pain and feel like I'm away from it all.

But I can't. Part of me lately has been thinking in a spiritual sort of way. Idon't like using that word. I want to reach some form of authenticit,y I need to be who I am, or at least, a version of myself that I used to be, that aspect of fire that i used to have, of intensity, of skill and determination. I can only be that through pushing myself. My head feels dizzy and I'm hungry.

It's hard to show fire. But I must