Dear Diary,

 

Lets review Thursday:

• Blogging in the early hours, then sleep
• Recieved call from psychologist for assessment, had brief anger trigger
• Doing odd chores at home today - washing, tidying up bed, put my work clothes into the dry cleaners - fuck that shit gets dirty quickly
• CXWorx
• Body attack
• Body Combat

Three classes in a row. The cute instructor who I sorta fancy kept calling me out, she called me a 'bad brother', and then on a dozen occaisions wanted to high five me. I remember at one point we were sprinting at each other (don't ask) and she got her hands out for a high five, but i missed because I was so tired, and many people found that funny. First class at the gym was a killer. The second class was even more of a killer, and the third class I could barely hold  my head up by the end of it. I wonder if this will help my stamina or fitness, or if doing this is simply a form of maschochism. Either way,...same time next week?

I like how the cute instructor sweats, she has a nice giggle, she has a nice smile, she has a certain allure with the wrinkles on her face when she smiles. Its honest, its' mature, its happy. I have been thinking about aging today briefly. I think to myself, other than baldness, I would quite like getting older, I think I might be more attractive with wrinkles, I think it might give my face more distinction if I were more wrinkly and my skin leathery and worn. I look forward to being an old man, if I ever live long enough. I've also been thinking about mortality. I've been thinking about my dad and how I hate things about him. When I think about it more, I really hate the same things about myself, and realising that has made me think harder about myself.

When I'm at the gym pushing myself hard i think to myself: my dad would never do something like this, so maybe I'm being away from ending up like my dad. When I'm running home from the gym and working a sweat, exhausted and tired, and I need to push myself harder, I think to myself: my mum wouldn't push hard like this. If I am going to be anything different from where I've come from, whether thats my culture, my family, my circumstances, and my circumstances are pretty shit; I'm going to have to strive more.

Today, at least physically, I did some striving. I also realised how I had little time to do things today, and despite that, I rushed myself and pushed on and got things done within a time frame. I've got to frame things and rush things. I 've got to be busy, and to be busy means to realise there's not much time. This means having that old mindset of having exams like back in the day. I've got to think I'm always doing exams.

 

...but then I pause to wonder. Wasn't working myself in that extreme way the very thing that led to my depressive episodes?

Fuck ... what now?

No. Stick to the plan. The past may not dictate what will happen now. Its different now. It wasn't just the working pattern, it was the loneliness as well back then. I have nice social contacts nowadays, could be better but not bad. part of me wonders if I could just go straight to bed, crash to sleep and wake up fresh in the morning. I would absolutely love that. But I always seem to be mentally restless at night.

This week I've been doing many of the things that I've basically been meaning to do. There was a time a few months ago when I said to myself how because of work and other things I seemed too busy to get things done and I felt it was a regret that I had to push a lot of shit back, and it felt like a burden. Well when it happened between last week and this week, I accepted it as a routine thing and didn't seem to feel like it was something I had to pay too much attention to. However, if I have a week off work and then a week full on work, I can't waste time with the week off. there's a girl on okcupid chatting to me, and another girl on gchat who iwants to talk dirty. I am never good at saying no when it comes to chatting with a girl online. I hould just bid them good night and focus on sleep.

sleepwards