22 Days

Do you know how in those films, or in the news when you hear about those tragic lost at sea moments people have, or a natural disaster, when they look for survivors, and then they stop looking? I kind of feel that way about the Sentinel. It's been 22 days since my induction and I haven't heard back from them yet. I don't know what to think, what to feel. Well I am disappointed, saddened. I feel a bit like I'm reverting back to hopeless.

So I have a week off work, Next week will have a bit of activity, a good few hours. But July is going to be quiet at Shambly arena. August even more so. It picks up again in September. I can't believe I am even thinking about september at this point. That's fucking depressing. I really need to make more money. I've been doing these odd tests here and there, where I test websites and apps and user interfaces, and that gives a little bit of money and it is fun to test apps and stuff. I was sent a webcam by those people today, and did an android webcam test. Basically the webcam is on a stand and it faces down on a table, so you could write stuff or use a tablet and it would record what you do. Last month I was feeling hopeful. Now that feeling has faded.

I feel really disappointed with the Sentinel. People are asking me why I haven't started working with them yet, and not even I am able to answer this.

So last night I did some blogging, I wrote a piece that was really personal. I am writing it under one of my pseudonyms. I think its sad that I have to have so many faces because my real one would be compromised.

[Interrupted from blogging]

I just got a call from the doctors - I'm possibly going to go through another treatment option. Another assessment. Fuck me. At least I am getting followed up about this.

I wish that call was from the Sentinel. Fuck! I am tempted to email them about it. I'm really realyl really desperate to work for them. But I do feel like I'm not going to be. I think I need to accept this and start looking elsewhere. I hate waiting, it reminds me of darker times.

Yesterday at the gym I went to balance class. After class I did some time on the cardio bike. I went on and on with the feeling that I just had to go on, I felt like I just had to keep going. I felt like I was having an inward looking experience as I was on that bike. It was quite spiritual. Today I intend to do three classes, if I get the shorts dry. I will do CXWorx, Body Combat and then Body Attack. That's about 2.5 hours of training, plus 40 mins of walking. I hope it will help me sleep. When I think about my disappointment with the Sentinel, I just fall into a dark abyss that I can't get out of. I would at least like to do something with my mind and my body that is positive and constructive. I really really love pushing my body hard at the gym. I need to have a better diet though. According to my schedule, if I just did those classes, I'll have done 6 things of note for my calendar. Lets make it 8...I'm going to spend the next couple hours really trying to make things happen.

I'm off to the laundry now.