Tuesday, June 11, 2013

women I hardly know starting conversations with me

so at the pub at the garden planning meeting, I went to get a water, and then the lady at the bar asks me if I am at the local gym doing classes. I give a nonchalant answer saying how I am usually there and I do a lot of classes, so I have probably been to the same classes as she, then we talked about the saturday body pump class and laughed a bit. Then I walked away. I didn't really know how to end the conversation, so I just said my last sentence and then it drifted off. She was pretty, that's why I am thinking lots about it.

Then after the meeting of garden related interests, I RAN to the gym as my mate had already been training. On the way I saw the sometimes-instructor, Iona (yeah lets say that's her name), Iona seemed all excited to see me as she left the gym and I was coming in, she was all like 'Hey Conatus!' and as I was 5 feet away from her she got her hand out like a high five position, and I was thinking to myself: am I going to give a high five to an adult outside a gym? is this what is being asked of me in this social interaction? And...I thought, maybe I'll take a chance and interpret  this social sign, and we did a high five. I awkwardly smiled, she stopped as we passed, I stopped, and then I walked on awkwardly, our exhange of words were like: how are you doing? erm erm I'm okay..see ya around brother!

Surely someone who calls me brother isn't sexually attracted to me, she just seems overly excitable and happy. She seems really happy, like she's part of a cult. I do worry sometimes that these fitness classes seem cult-like. I like going, I like the laughter and atmosphere, but to see it as drug like and cult like? That's a little worrying. Maybe I don't really understand social interactions as well as I think I do. Goffman doesn't help me here. Also her hands were pretty rough. Either that or my hands are really soft, or she does a lot of weights and calloused them all up. I feel weird about making contact with a hot physical woman, I mean, a physical contact with a hot physical woman. Why am I calling her a physical woman, as oppsed to metaphysical? metaphorical? An image on my computer screen that I masturbate to?

I think I masturbate too much and don't know how to react to real women, women that aren't porn actors that I can press pause to and adverts for penis enlargement suddenly turn up. I do love my porn. Maybe I am cult like in the way I masturbate all the time. I don't think I can be cult like in a solitary activity - although there is self-flaggelation, and wanking is flaggelation-like.

Anyway, I think its odd how doing all this time at the gym has seemingly made me familiar to people in public. It kind of feels nice, but also feels a bit anxiety-inducing. I like to feel anonymous sometimes, I like to be invisible. I've spent so much of my life being invisible to people, even employers, I don't know how to cope when I'm not invisible, when I'm recognisable. I must say though, it is nice to find something to talk to pretty women about. There's another pretty woman who talks to me in classes, I think its the same woman anyway, for thep ast couple of weeks people ask me when I'm waiting outside the class things like 'oh is this xx class?' I answer yes, then they go on about how they like keeping fit and classes and stuff, and I try to carry the conversation. Is there something about me now that I'm older that makes me so susceptable to unprovoked conversations with women?

Something I need to work on. My social ineptitude with both men and women.

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