Thinking about Triggers

Last week I was working at an event where one of the managers had more than a superficial resemblance to someone who upset me a while back. This is the essence of what a trigger is. A trigger is an experience where similarities with a past experience remind you of the painful nature of said past experience. I think it gets easier to have a trigger and then get on with it. I think. It's not easy to go around avoiding triggers because you will think: 'what am I avoiding?' and then BANG. That doesn't even avoid actual triggers, that's an avoidance-of-trigger trigger.

I don't get trigger experiences that much these days. In a way, when they do happen its quite eccentric, its quite an unusual and rare occurence and in a little way its a novelty (not fun though). I think its important to face those triggers, look into the barrel of the gun and then, click bang. I'm feeling quite tired today, I had a bit of a hard time emotionally at work over the past week. I've only got about 3 shifts for the rest of the year, so I'm going to be less busy, I'm going to have more 'free' time. I might as well use it. I think that I'm going to take today slowly, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be lazy but it does mean that I'll not be so hard on myself. Maybe I'll do the gym today. I couldn't do badminton last night because of work finishing late.

Day of General Strike (listening to Johnny Cash)

Good morning,

 

Today is the first time I've gotten out of bed 'late' in a long time, perhaps weeks. I'm not beating myself up about it, I was working pretty for a long time yesterday, I didn't even get to play Skyrim (note to self: don't play skyrim yet). Today is a general strike with predominantly public sector workers. According to the news, this is the biggest strike action for a generation. I wonder who will be our Bob Dylan and Herbert Marcuse of our generation? Billy Bragg and Slavoj Zizek? That zizucks.

As an historical document, I will tell you that I plan to do what many people are trying to do on this day: find work. I got a call yesterday from a recruitment consultant, which I'll follow up. In addition I will try to get on with my timetable, there are lots of applications, lots of MA's and PhDs to think about applying to. I've got lots of petty administration jobs to think about applying to as well. My life isn't going very well, but I need to get up out of bed and keep trying all the same. Killing myself or laying in bed; sleeping until 5pm and then just damning the world for getting up too late; spending only evenings out of bed mainly because I need to have a shit and eat; going outside only for a chinese takeaway, are not viable options for me anymore. I need to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

I was reminded of picking up the pieces as a metaphor, when people at work were talking about New Years. After Christmas and New Years, there is a period where you can still keep xmas decorations, but you will have to take them down at some point. That time of year really depresses me. It reminds me of when I slept with my girlfriend, and I had to go back to my flat, or she had to go back to her home. I hate saying goodbye when I am too fond of something, it makes absence all the more painful. That's what picking up the pieces means to me, it ain't fun, it ain't glamorous, but you have to do it. You have to say goodbye sometimes, you have to tidy up, you have to move on.

Life is pretty shit for me. There are lots of opinions out there today about the strike. People hate that there is a strike, others say that public sectors have it too good. I have a banker friend who supports the public sector strike (unusual, but also surprisingly noble). The funny thing is about where I work, I'm stuck between the true of evil according to some newspapers, as well as the ordinary proletarian folk.

I don't know what will happen in the future. My future is not up to me, when so much hangs on the current government. I can try applying for jobs and such, but they determine the superstructure. I'm powerless (oh, why did I have to end the post on a depressing note?) I'm going to cheer myself up with bacon now.

What I see from other people

I have a colleague who is the same rank as me, but acts like the boss. This person is so bossy but few people bother to call her out on it and we just let her get away with it. Sometimes her arrogance gets the better of her, she pretends to know something and I like getting her in a corner in those situations and correcting her, and it becomes apparent to me that she was just guessing about various things (work related and not). I think a couple of things stick to my mind when I think of her: she's a catholic, and there is something very familiar about Catholics (growing up as one), in addition she said that her daughter earns around 60-70k. That really floored me, especially because she says that that is the 'normal salary'. It's clear that I don't live in her world. She's also a bit racist.

Lots of things made me uncomfortable today at work, but I think that all in all, I've survived and patiently endured. I've stacked on some calories as I got home. My mum is complaining about my weight. My mum is complaining that I'M LOSING TOO MUCH WEIGHT. My mum complains that my dad is too lazy (and to her credit, he is). My dad's sloth is a darkness in my family, he's obese. My dad has never talked to my sister. There is some family issue going on that I am not allowed to talk about, not because I was told not to, but because it seems like some kind of social rule, no one talks about it, about what happened, about why this happens.It leaves a shadow in my mind, in my family, a shadow that I cannot begin to describe how it feels. It's a shadow because its an object I cant identify, but all I can identify is that it is there.

By the way, this is week two without counselling. What did I do today? I worked an 11 hour shift at work, I'm back home by around 9:20. It wouldn't be unreasonable if I just went to bed now and slept until tomorrow. I felt pretty worn down throughout the day, after around 5pm, my knees are really hurting, and my back is giving me some pain. I think its from overuse.

Wagner playing for 4 hours is doing my head in...

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 7am and I got straight on with my day from around 8-ish. I've been catching up with a week of blogs and other rss feeds. I've also sent an enquiry to join an alumni choir. I thought it might be a neat idea if I joined a choir and  got involved with some music, or another activity. I might get to meet new people, maybe make friends, maybe not. I've been thinking about skyrim all day, I feel like just playing it all afternoon. I've been good today, at least so far. Today feels painfully long, but if I'm counting my positives I can say that I've been catching up, setting a plan for the next couple of weeks and trying to execute said plan. I feel really low motivation, and I've taken about 5-10 minute breaks every hour or so. I feel almost like going for a walk, or going to the gym, or some kind of distraction from what I actually have to work on.

There are lots of things that I've set for myself, PhD applications, job searching, reading, writing, preparing for graduate scheme assessment, and all I want to do is just lay down. It's fair to say that I'm feeling anxious right now. Last night Antonia called me, I told her politely that she knows the rule: no calls after 10:30pm. Only special people break that rule, she's not special. I got a little bit thrown emotionally by talking to her. Anyway today I've been looking at all kinds of things. I've found a call for book proposals, and I've thought about applying, but then I saw that they are looking for an editor. I thought to myself: hmm, I could do that, so instead I've set a time to apply as an editor to this publisher.

In a way I'm the good kind of busy. Maybe if I just endure this level of activity for a few more hours, I can then relax. It's 2pm now, maybe I'll go until 5pm? This feels really hard right now. I have to keep in mind that after tomorrow (Weds onwards), I will have more free time to get back on with my schedule. I took saturday off to meet some friends, and sunday was at a slightly leisurely pace. I did some tutoring last night, that's two tutoring jobs this week. I like the feeling of earning money. I just need to do it more. I think that currently I have 2-3 sources of income, but they are so low. It's pragmatic to take a portfolio approach, considering how hard jobs are to get these days.

On that note, I need to get back. Maybe I'll stop playing Wagner's Sigfried right now, it is draining my life force.

Listening to an Audiobook of Stephen fry (which is not related to the body of this post)

Dear Diary,

 

December shifts are in, only 3 this month (to put it into context of how little that is, I have 3 this week). Everything changes, and so does income it seems. This prosperity of work has been appreciated, especially considering how tight next month is going to be. Rememer: November is funded by october's wages. December is funded by November, December funds January. I'm going to be very tight on January, but I have to be tight now to save more. Fuck.

 

At least I'll have more time for gym and applying to jobs. I'm really behind on Google Reader and my schedule due to work. I think its fair to say that I'm slower partly because of work. I've said that feeling down has hurt me a bit lately, but my mood is better now, at least slightly. This news of december shifts has come at a downer. I dont think I'll be having much time for leisurely pursuits for a while..

Life after counselling

It's fair to say i've been busy, not my busiest, but busy. It's also fair to say I've been lazy, not my laziest ...welll maybe it is, were it not for also keeping active.

I've been obsessed with a game: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. As many other single men under the age of about 30 are. I won't talk about that, but it's so fun to play and it helps me warm down after a long day. In addition, it counts as downtime which I rarely allow myself to have. I run an audiobook while I play, which makes my time semi-productive. I think that I should combine audiobooks and games more often.

I've been preparing for a graduate assessment day. I've been slowly applying to jobs, I could I should apply to more. I've also been busy at work, crazily busy. It's almost as if I'm working full time. If I think its busy now, when I eventually start full time, I wonder how I will cope. In addition to this, I've been thinking about the extra money I'll have (meagre as it is) now that I've finished counselling. I think that I'll keep up with the gym (there's no question about that), and I'll also get more into badminton. I bought a raquet yesterday, I also bought a headband and a new base layer.

I've been keeping an eye on my diet. I'll be honest: I've had McDonalds 3 times this week. There was a voucher deal on the metro last week and I've totally rinsed it out. I have, despite the Mcdonalds, not gained any weight (yet). My mum has made comments which is making her suspicious about my weight loss. It's ironic actually, when I have an eating disorder, they all think that I'm exercising. When I'm exercising, they think there's something unhealthy going on. I have lots of issues with my parents.

One thing I've learned in counselling is that I often like to downplay certain issues, and the fact that I try to downplay it and frame issues in a specific way indicate something more going on underneath than I realise. I also noticed that I talk too much about myself in this blog. Lately I feel a bit of change in my personality. I feel lots of nice things about my colleagues, a few make me laugh, a few make me smile. I'm really getting on with, and establishing a rapport with them. I've learned many things about my colleagues:

 

• One is also Indian-African (I have Indian-African ancestry), and she loves classical music, her husband is a concert pianist. If she weren't 60 years old and unattractive, or married...I totally would.
• Another colleague is really cute, she's also an ex postgrad and really perky. 
• Another colleague I think I'm flirting with. I have an involuntary chemical sensation in my brain that feels pleasurable and giddy when I am around her. I think that means I like her. Will I do anything about it? No, it's work. Also, she saw me on OKCupid which is *highly* embarrassing (honesty is painful)

I will try to change myself in a few ways. I'm going to write about other people in my blog diary. I'm going to write about people that I care about, that I like, that I don't like. I'm going to try and not write so much about myself. I think that's my problem sometimes. I'm too self involved. So, how's life after counselling? So far, not bad. I'm trying to get involved with life, to put something into it, and ultimately, what I get out ( a sense of satisfaction, joy and the delight of congress with others) will show itself.

This is a procrastinating blog post. I need to get back to my job hhunt now!

Take a breather....now get back to work

Dear Diary,

I'm crazily busy today. I think playing Skyrim all weekend probably helped give me a sense of urgent motivation to get everything done. So far I've marked an essay, I've also been provoked intellectually by reading an essay from a university student (God I miss those days). In addition, I've been looking at postgrad programmes and I think I'll apply to a few more PhDs and a couple of MAs, just to see how far it goes. In an hour (after their lunch) I'll book a GP appointment to deal with my scalp. Looking forward to my day its really scary how much I have to do. I'm starting to feel genuine anxiety about the rest of the day.

Anxiety is a problem in that it can either kill my motivation, or be a reasonably good source of motivation. Right now it's a bit of both, if that makes any sense. On the plus side I've earned £20 from marking an essay. Now I need to apply to some jobs, or more importantly, apply myself. There's much to do today, not least I need to do some training later. I've been a lazy fuck and I need to get some Gym going. Tomorrow I'll have to purchase a badminton racket. At least the tutoring has paid for that!

This month is the busiest of the year. I'm getting lots of shifts, plus all sorts of other things are going on. I need to make a Christmas gift list soon, but that's at the back of my head right now, there are so many other things to juggle.

Well, as they say in perdurantist circles: there's no time like the present!

Sometimes its rational to be pessimistic.

Dear Diary,

 

Today has been a stupour day. I started off well meaning and tried to find the VCR in my loft (to no avail), and that disheartened me, so I proceeded to play elder scrolls for most of the day, interspersed with eating. I have been a busy bee between Thursday and Friday, and so I've spent today resting up. I'm currently catching up on 3-4 days of Google Reader news, and I'll eventually catch up on emails that I've flagged.

 

Playing that RPG game is a distraction from what's going on in my life. Part of the reason I stopped playing games in the mid 2000s was exactly becaue I have been too busy with life to let games get in the way. In recent months I made a compromise of balancing my time. I'm not being *so* hard on myself today mainly because of being so busy yesterday. I slept for 4 hours after I got home, and then I stayed up until about 6am playing skyrim, and then fell asleep until 10pm. I've not had proper REM/beta sleep for a few days.

 

Lots of things are going through my mind at once. I'm thinking about 18thC history, decision theory, the role of social mobility, social theory, the frankfurt school and reading about the economic and social conditions that are affecting today: eurozone nightmares, unemployment, and they say that after xmas the job situation is going to be even more dire.

Lots to look forward to (not). No wonder I'm playing so many games. Things are really shit right now. I'm reminded of a quote by adorno, who when talking about the despair composers of the early 20thC dismissed the accusation that their music is too complicated to be understood, it was ignored because its too familiar what reality they are reflecting in their music, or perhaps what music they are reflecting from our reality.

Dig deep

dear diary,

I'm up at 4:30am. I'm not too hard on myself for it though. I have been working for the past couple of days. I've been working some really long shifts. I went from 11am - midnight yesterday, getting home at 1am, sleeping at 2am. Waking up at 6am, then working from 8-5. I don't regret it in the sense that last year I was working even more insane shifts than that with preparing for 7am starts (5am wakeup). I'm not complaining as such, this is wha tthe real world is like for many people. Hats off to them, I'm not so good at managing. I've binged a little bit but on balance, I have actually not eaten very much over those two days, so it balances out. I needed some high calorie foods to get me going. I felt really hungry and tired throughout some of the day, but I did manage to get some food in, and I did have productive moments.

I wish I could tell you the highlights of the things that got on at work. Some of which I must respect the confidentiality of the client, but it was fun all the same. It was exciting at times and there were so many glamorous outfits. I have an attraction to one of my colleagues, and we have a great banter together. It's funny actually, my brain totally changes the way it thinks when I'm around her. I've not felt that kind of giddy teenaged excitement in ages.I treat it as a physiological reaction, maybe her pheremones make me want to fuck her. She's funny and makes me want to talk and talk and talk and makes me act charming instead of all distant and cold.  I think it shows my feelings and its really obvious as well. I won't think too much of it. But it is nice to have happy hormones in my brain at work, there's this other colleague who made me laugh really hard. This colleague helped me open up about myself and talk and I told a funny story from my college days. I like opening up.

I started thinking about some really dark stuff during today, mostly because I was just sitting bored for 8 hours. I did manage to read more of my book review. I read just under 100 pages today. The things that went through my mind were kind of therapeutic. There is a quote from the book I'm reading which goes something like: when we have grief, we are reminded of old grief. My uncle died, but my piano teacher died earlier last year as well. Both of these events are swirling in my mind. I was trying to think to myself today why those events meant so much to me, why they have upset me.

I could say in some shallow sense: that's the normal reaction that anyone will have to such things. Yes, that's true, but I wanted to find more analytical reasons, more introspective insights that said more than just the facts. I thought the following things:

• Piano lessons and music education are a big part of my life, of my heart. Piano made me the person I am. My piano teacher made me, me.
• My uncle represents a big chunk of my growing up. Not my childhood (he moved to the UK in the mid-late 90s), but early teens onwards. I had a really awkward transitional period to adulthood. I am rethinking the narratives i give myself of those times.
• Both of them were around during when I was at secondary school and sixth form. The time between about 2000-2004 seemed like a lifetime and not four years. The people from those memories are gone. There's a metropolitan police advert on tubes lately about theft saying: "all you will have are memories", its about property theft, but in the context of what happened, its a painful reminder that I'm alone

 

I said in counselling that lately I've not been thinknig about the past much (and to a large extent this is true). I've been so busy with the present. In a way, that's the situation I want. I'm feeling really tired right now, so thinking or doing isn't much on my agenda right now. I've been playing elder scrolls to warm down my mind, enjoy something and just forget about thigns for a while. I might take a little while to recover from all the activity today. I'll check my weight later. I slept earlier and I may be up for another hour.

Sometimes in times like these, in utter exhaustion. My sleep is earned, and the greatest pleasure I can have. I tend to get quite emotional when Im tired. When I'm worn down to my last ebb of strength, my feelings start showing. In the words of my badminton trainer friend: dig deep.

Reasons that I am not totally shit

Seaneen from Mentally Interesting (a blog that I thoroughly thoughroughly really enjoy) wrote an article to list her positive attributes. So I thought that I would do the same.I'm going to make a list of 10, maybe I can find more, maybe not!

• I play the piano, it makes me happy, and it is a creative way of dealing with all my shit. I also used to have a naughty nickname relating to my piano playing.
• I'm keeping quite busy these days, even though I'm having a bit of a rough time mentally and psychologically.
• As a character trait I put myself in uncomfortable social situations, maybe not so much lately because everything is uncomfortable for me
• As a character trait i like to push my boundaries and really work hard on things that cause me a lot of angst and sometimes suffering. I work hard on my weights, and I play badminton
• I'm a flexible person, I'm willing to change plans when I've set them. It's not easy for me but I push myself (see previous)
• I'm funny, or rather, I can be funny
• I am still attractive to women - how I feel inside does nothing to affect my pretty-boy face that attracts older women women my own age alike. I do have a thing for oedipal older women.
• I've kept the house mostly tidy since my parents have been away. I've not gone on a massive wank binge lately. I'm trying to keep my libido down - as much as physically possible anyway.
• I still have hope, even though it's as sunny as a November morning
• I enjoy the relationships I have with my family, with my friends, and I even enjoy the contact with my colleagues. There's a really cute girl who has started working this month, she has cute nerdy curls and she's nordic (what is my fascination with nordic types? maybe it reminds me of Burzum)

I could make more I suppose, but I'm busy. Today is the last day of counselling, but I have a million other things on my mind right now.

I've applied for another PhD and I still don't feel I've achieved anything.

Dear Diary,

My ex came to visit yesterday. I was amicable and the perfect host while my parents were away. Perhaps that's all I can say. But I still felt sad when she left. More because I'm not happy with my life and I'm alone.

So today I woke up a bit later than usual. I've made a pattern of not sleeping very much over the past few days, but I don't feel it as much. If I'm honest, I don't feel as shit as I have over the past few days, which is nice. I do feel a little bit off. I think maybe that's the cold weather. The 'dark' times have passed, and I will need to keep that in mind. Today I've worked on mainly household chores, the house isn't in that much a mess, and I've sent off a PhD application! I've also considered that I'm going to apply for a couple of masters degrees again, just for exploring my options. I've done a few of the tasks which have caused me a bit of anxiety.

I've been comparing my mindset with 2005-2006, when my anxiety was really bad. I am surprised at how motivated I was back then, but it was really painful to feel that kind of anxiety. Now, I feel not enough anxiety and not enough motivation. But I do feel niggling things eating away at me. Perhaps that is another form of anxiety. I feel that right now I'll just take a break for a little while. That PhD application was a big emotional drain, as well as looking for those MA positions. Maybe I'll do the gym later.

Anxiety from knowing my heroes

Dear diary,

 

I had a trigger. I know its a weird thing to upset me, it's not a big trigger, but it has upset my normal mood. I found out the 'real identity' inadvertently (on action of said individual)  of a blogger that I really respect. It makes me feel weird. This blogger seems so respectable from a distance, as an anonymous person, as a distant ideal, seeing her as a real person makes me feel that she is a column above everyone, and reminds me of how she is a column, and I am the dust settling on the ground. I thought blogging was the one place where I can be myself, by depersonalising.

It's my issue, and nobody elses' but I'm reminded of the saying: never meet your heroes. I wonder if I'm (not by this pathetic monikker of conatus), anybody' hero. I've been heroic in the past. Talking about indignities, I'm not 'poor' enough to get certain NHS support for prescriptions. I'm poor enough for it to hurt, and for income to be a serious problem in my life, but not desperate enough for the state to help. No wonder there's a fucking demonstration everywhere around the world. If I weren't so encumbered by trying to sort it out, I'd be protesting too...

I'm thinking about November 2006

Dear Diary,

My plan for the day will seemingly involve getting ready for work, and then once I'm at work I'll be working outside (i.e in the cold) for a few hours. I will likely wear my new favourite jumper. I had a strange feeling at counselling yesterday. I'm not sure what I achieved, or why I bothered talking , or what kind of response I gave to the counsellor. The counsellor was less than objective in her suggestion that I should continue sessions. The counsellor was pushing the point a bit, but maybe more because it was a penultimate session.

I don't know how to say goodbye. Do I say thank you? Do things have to end on a positive note? The more I enforce the recent narrative that I'm 'depressed' or 'things are not doing so well', the more I will seem to believe it. Today hasn't been as productive as say, a good day in October, but I have managed to clear a little bit. I pushed forward. In other news my calorie intake is severely reduced. I seem to have less appetite. That's only a good thing. My weight loss is accelerating at an amazing speed. I'm invariably going to expect when it slows down again, or when I start gaining weight again.

I think what I'm feeling is that I'm taking too much for granted. I am going to miss her, as a person, and for what she does for me in the sessions. I am going to notice a change of routine, I am going to feel quite a change. I don't know if how I will adjust, or whether things will be better or worse as a result. I do know that I will be £100 richer every month, and I hopefully may avoid taking money out of my ISA so often (I may even be in a position to put money back in, if that's possible!) I am going to miss her. I'm not acknowledging those feelings. I think what I benefitted most from was hearing a question that I would never have considered. Looking at my issues and thoughts with another person to pour over them and adding a perspective of their own. Sometimes I could hear her perspective in her words, I know that counsellors don't usually offer opinions or perspectives, but I did get moments where she seemed to express concern about me.

I guess I miss someone who expresses concern about me. I guess I miss someone being around who actually knows what's going on in my head, knows my history, knows my feelings. Friends can't do that, nor can lovers. I think that's the travesty of our time that the fetish of personality has made everybody impersonal. I'll miss having someone to talk to.  All I have today is the resolve that I've done such-and such a task, but not others. I've got work later, I've sent a job application, I've done some job searching and I've done a little reading. Perhaps I should repeat what I said in counselling: it could be better and it could be worse. All things considered, though I'm a bit shitty now, I'm coping pretty well.

It's the anniversary of when I was hospitalised 5 years ago. 5 years ago I could have died. 5 years ago I could have killed myself. Nobody is talking about that. Everyone much would rather pretend it never happened. No one wants to remember it or think about it. Even when it came up in counselling yesterday (she brought it up, not me), I tried to avoid it, but then realised that I couldn't. What do I do now? That has been the question of my life ever since then.

I'll go to work, get home, log my data, catch up on the news, catch up on stray tasks, perhaps play some computer games, sleep, wank a couple of times in between, and then start tomorrow.

It sounds so ordered, but it's not, it's really defined in the moment when I wake up and I dont feel like getting out of bed. Its defined in the moment when my motivation is down or I'm dwelling about all the things that I have to do. It's defined in the moments when I feel 'too tired' to do something but if I don't do it I'll either fail or leave it to the last minute, and if I do that, have i really learned anything since 2006? Every day I live is an attempt to say that my life is worth living. Every day is a challenge to the despair I face all around me, in my life, in my room, in the news, in my family, among my friends. Every day is an attempt to answer the question: why haven't I tried to kill myself again?

To be honest, I can't answer that in any words, nor can I answer if I really do want to live. It's all action and no words to try and answer something like that.

what's the alternative?

Dear Diary,

Do you remember when I was trying to get my life back together between 2007-2009? I had a problem with doing very simple tasks, and learned that there were so many follow-up tasks that came with actually completing a single task. An example: Fill out an application form: find data for references, dig up specifics for work history (I don't memorise that shit) and find awkward addresses and data. Another example: weigh myself - replace batteries in weighing scale. I'm just encumbered by dozens upon dozens of little tasks. I created a scheduling system to try and cope with it, but I'm not feeling 100% and its most definately a drain on my mind right now. It's hard to count the positives. I suppose one is my calorie input. I'm finally losing weight again and I've reached the 200lb marker. Now to reach the next one, and then the next one.... I think 160lbs would be a nice weight, I'd be 'normal'. I guess that's the only thing I have to look forward to.

Back to work...ugh so tedious. But what's the alternative? It's unthinkable

200lbs and a hundred pouds potentially richer

Dear Diary,

 

What have I done today? I woke up at around 8am and thought that I could still lay in bed a bit more. I then next noticed that it was nearly midday. "Fuck!" I thought to myself. I think its fair to say that I've done a bit more since then. I didn't bother to shower yet, as I plan on going to the gym later (and work a sweat up). I've found a nice uniqlo jumper in my inventory. It possibly belongs to my brother, but no matter, I enjoy wearing it. I don't wear jumpers much, but this is a great colour and suits the weather.

The weather is getting cold, and my abilities are going down. Within that framework I have a maximum of things I can do. All things considered, I've done well. Let's make a list:

• I guiltily ate McDonalds yesterday, breaking my 'rule', however I think I didn't break the rule when I noticed that tomorrow. I've reached 200lbs, EXACTLY when I weight myself. This is a sign of confidence. I can be thin without purging. I didn't cheat this time.
• I've applied to two jobs today
• I've put myself up for two more extra shifts this month. According to my calculations that will mean I should get around £100 more next month. I am reminding myself that Christmas is coming, and all the work this month goes to the Xmas pot: presents, nights out, booze, living fees. Might I even have enough for post xmas sales??

 

I'm getting memories, but strangely enough, from a very recent time: 2010. I was quite excited this time of year for a few things. I started a new job, even though it didn't pay a great amount. I also have fond memories of starting to engage with culture again, watching modern TV instead of being stuck in the past, which upsets me more and makes me feel isolated. I started to embrace my inner nerdgeek a little bit. I was really excited about this tv show: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, I'm quite a fan of Iron Man and I had a boyhood boner about him teaming up with Captain America and the other guys. Just thinking about that little memory, and the fun I had with my family during xmas gives me a sense of warmth. It makes me look forward to this year's xmas.

So if you ever asked if I ever get Christmassy, the answer is a reluctant yes. I look forward to this time of year. Another thing I should add, is that during this time of year, I'm in fashion heaven. All of my favourite clothes I get to wear at this time of year: gorgeous long jackets, practical boots which are both macho and stylish, cord trousers (I wear them all year but this is cord season), and my winter base layer (note: I've also worn this all year).I also think that I am changing my t-shirt size. All of my L base layers are hanging loose, and it might be time to start M'ing it. I'm happy about the weight loss progress. I'm glad that I've got extra shifts this month, and I'm glad that I've sent 2 job applications today.

I still have a lot more to do. I have to prepare for a tutoring session on thursday potentially, I need to consider if I'm going out for a 'date' like situation this weekend, and there's all the other schedule shit that's coming up. I won't even start about the interview days that are coming up for the graduate scheme thing I was at yesterday (it scares me). I'm off to counselling. It's apparently my penultimate session. The counsellor said that I don't have to end things as it may seem premature after the diffulcuites I had last week. Sometimes its hard to notice when things are quite good when you are feeling down overall. I guess that's why I have fond memories of the Avengers cartoon last year. Today, things are not so bad. For an 'off' day, I've gotten a fair amount done. I just hope tomorrow can bring the same dividends, although I am working in the evening.

Entropy

Dear Diary,

Perhaps my feelings can be better expressed in song. At least there is an outlet. I have been talking about stupours for the past few days, and I also know its important when to tell if things are better rather than worse. I'm awake quite early today, I was in a daze in the run up to getting out of bed, planning my day in my head. I was thinking to myself that I need to make a plan before I get up, and then I did have a plan. I can't remember what it was for the life of me right now, though. That's quite amusing. That's the nature of being in a daze.

I planned most of the things that I needed to consider last night. Travel route, guides, prep documents, passport is packed and so forth. I do think that today will be a long one. I finish everything at 4, which means I'll possibly be back home by 5-5:30.I have planned other stuff to do when I get back, but I've also kept in mind that I can just collapse and fall asleep instead. I must have slept about 5 hours or less. The day sky greets me with reluctance, just like a real person.

I feel a tiredness and listlessness in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of 'why bother'. But in my clothes that I find identification with, I look like a different person to how I feel inside. I ask you: why does a graduate scheme need an open day, and a 'familiarisation session' in order to go through with it. I'm only going to fail it so why bother. I feel like the universe might if it were a person: I'm slowing down, eventually nothing will happen inside me, there will just be coldness, stillness, entropy.

Pensees

Dear Diary,

 

I just want to talk, gossip, let some thoughts out.

It's midnight and I have less than 6 hours before I need to get out of bed. I'm not even in bed yet.

I spent the past 4 hours prepping for tomorrow in various ways. I hopefully have ironed out all eventualities, kept everything to a plan, made a plan, all that's missing is execution.

I went to a party today. A friend of mine who has never 'been with a girl' brought a cute lady friend over to the party. Everyone is gossiping, excitedly so! I thought it was funny how as a friend of the family, taking part in the gossip and excitement of this new revelation made me a part of the family. I love families, there is something so wholesome about being with your kin. Despite all the differences, there is an essential thing that makes them similar. Sharing good food and having a good time is enough sometimes.

I've been playing a lot of piano lately. I almost am playing with a goal. I find practicing a form of meditation, in other words, I meditate on my thoughts, feelings, and many issues in the practice emerge as personality issues in my life. I was thinking about how I feel 'entitled' in life. I was thinking about my insecurities, my vulnerabilities. I was thinking how loud pieces are not always my personality, and how I like  soft pieces. It's very macho to like rachmaninov and chopin all the time. I want to play less phallic music.

I feel so tired I dont think I'll have a chance to wank tonight. I feel a lot of uncertainty and I just scraped by today by completing this prep task. Ideally I'd have had a shower and an evening off to think more. I have lots more to think about after I get home as well. I'm running myself quite hard, yet other times not hard enough.

I'm feeling uncertainty about cancelling counselling. Mainly because I feel an emotional connection with the counsellor. Things are getting harder for me, I'm starting to feel depressed more. I miss the emotional comfort of being myself and someone listening. I have that with nobody else. Except for a voice in my head. I imagine there is a woman around me, in the room sometimes. We've not agreed that dido mia is the best name, as I'm not sure she's a personificationf of my eating disorder. Maybe she's a personification of stability. I like our chats, she's interesting, and yet as she always says: I have no inner life, I'm just a reflection of you, your imagination.

I'm quite self indulgent to invent my own best friend...that, or I'm desperately lonely

I hate stupours

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if I could do things again, whether I'd correct my old mistakes. In more literal terms that is how I feel emotionally. I face the same feelings that I had in the past, the same issues, the same resentments, the same insecurities and I wonder: will I embrace them differently this time? I was playing a bit of the piano this morning. It's my way of procrastinating. I was doing some improvisation, then practicing some of the 'Well Tempered Clavier', and then I was sightreading some Norah Jones songs.

I know how I've said in the past how I get certain feelings from listening to Norah Jones. It reminds me of when my depression period started. I wonder if I'm 'post-depression' era, or if I'm just 'post-peak'. I feel like such a failure, and the only way the thrive is to face failure in the face and take another beating. A Stallone style boxing analogy seems relevant to life right now. I'm not particularly feeling strong right now. There's a lot going on in my mind right now, things that I have to carry, and my days of stupour are returning. I've not been 'stupoured' in many weeks.

Today i've been invited to a party, which I may go to for a short time and then come home to prepare for an interview. There's much to do, and I'm just sitting around.

November Patterns: distancing

My family aren't really talking about the funeral in terms of the man who died, maybe it's too painful to say 'I miss him', or to that effect. Maybe it's how they grieve. Things are getting in my head about my uncle. Little thoughts just seem exceptionally morbid. My uncle used to make lots of food and freeze it, the sick reality is that a lot of that food has lasted after his own expiry in various freezers. My mum mentioned how she was defrosting my uncle's 'last' curry. Something seems symbolically cannibalistic or 'last supper' about that.

I've come to accept that the November darkness has come down upon me. I'm still trying to get by with my day, but I also realise that i'll need to slow down my pace and accept that I can't do as much as I used to in previous weeks and months. Sometimes by accepting change, we can actually do more in objective terms. I could engage with more meaningful things. I'm planning to go to the gym. I woke up masturbating and now that I've finished with that I realise how much time I have, or rather, how little. There's a lot on my mind for the coming few days, and I'm barely even thinking about it. Masturbating, and purging as it happened, are enacted by me as 'distancing' tasks. Right now I want to engage in another 'distancing' task: eating. If I distance myself from it I can then distract myself and end up not doing it.

My november patterns emerge.

Kicking the ladder down

Dear Diary,

Lots of vignettes of thought are going through my head today, little things like:

• Can I feel sexy in a tight shirt? (yes)
• Should I rely on new female romantic interests for emotional support?
• Should I have a shower after the gym?
• Can I go clothes shopping?
• Have I done enough today? (I've applied to 3 jobs through an agency, set up new job RSS feeds, listened to an audiobook on Spinoza)
• Should I eat more now, before I go outside?

My head is rushing with little thoughts. The worst of the anxiety has passed. I'm picking up the pieces today and getting on with life. Today i'm going for a counselling session, I have 3 more sessions to go before I quit. The past 5 or so days have not been good, so I will probably have to talk about it. This morning I saw some of the 'small' size shirts in my wardrobe and found that they were fitting me. I still have lots more work to do when it comes to fitness, but if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll have a better body.

Life isn't great. The more time that passes without me getting into a decent job, the more damage I'll suffer. I remember that there was a boy in school who used to be a really good friend of mine. I had a dream about him last night. We were best friends, we were born on the same day. This guy was an academic achiever when we were friends, and I was the dumbass, but somehow after GCSEs, he fell in with a different group of friends and he dropped out of 'A' levels and didn't bother with uni, and got in trouble at school because of his overly long hair.

I had a dream where I was dropping off a letter to his house, I dont exactly remember what the letter said or why I was doing it, but I think it was an olive branch on my part. I then somehow got a letter or email from him (I'm filling in consistency gaps here) where he said something to the effect of: 'I got your message and I appreciate it. We are cool'. I was actually not even going to mention that dream but thinking about his dad brought the association. When I was growing up in the 1990s I knew this aforementioned kid and he lived with only his dad. It was kind of like a single father affair, I found out however, that he was long term unemployed. There are a generation of adults who were young men and women over the 1980s who had long term unemployment and many of them never went back to work or just lost confidence and hope. When I think of him, I think of what little I have to look forward to. This guy, after some reflection as an adult, probably had moderate or severe depression. I remember another kid in school whose mother had cancer, and he had to leave the school and the area when the mother's cancer was really bad. I think it had something to do with him going to the next of kin/guardians/foster parents.

There was so much darkness around me when I was growing up. In a way I'm glad that my parents didn't go through the tough stuff until after I grew up, and before I grew up. My older brother and sister lived through the 'poor' years. The thing about migrant families is that they normally start out poor and it helps build resilience and give some entrepreneurial spirit. My brother is perpetually broke and my sister's family is middle income but they are still facing some difficulties. What about me? I guess it could be worse for me, I read an article a while back which mentioned a metaphor, not of a graduate career ladder, but being kicked off the ladder before making a step up.

I feel like the world is imploding. The occupy movement has causes that I definately agree with and believe in. People are going through things that they don't deserve. Disability allowances are getting cut, public sector funding on numerous projects are culled and from a personal, selfish perspective. I don't have a career to speak of. I'm actually quite surprised that I could articulate this. About 2 hours ago I was thinking about writing this blog post and I thought to myself: I don't have any words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe I haven't talked about what I've felt, but typing this post has brought out a lot of feelings.