My family aren't really talking about the funeral in terms of the man who died, maybe it's too painful to say 'I miss him', or to that effect. Maybe it's how they grieve. Things are getting in my head about my uncle. Little thoughts just seem exceptionally morbid. My uncle used to make lots of food and freeze it, the sick reality is that a lot of that food has lasted after his own expiry in various freezers. My mum mentioned how she was defrosting my uncle's 'last' curry. Something seems symbolically cannibalistic or 'last supper' about that.
I've come to accept that the November darkness has come down upon me. I'm still trying to get by with my day, but I also realise that i'll need to slow down my pace and accept that I can't do as much as I used to in previous weeks and months. Sometimes by accepting change, we can actually do more in objective terms. I could engage with more meaningful things. I'm planning to go to the gym. I woke up masturbating and now that I've finished with that I realise how much time I have, or rather, how little. There's a lot on my mind for the coming few days, and I'm barely even thinking about it. Masturbating, and purging as it happened, are enacted by me as 'distancing' tasks. Right now I want to engage in another 'distancing' task: eating. If I distance myself from it I can then distract myself and end up not doing it.
My november patterns emerge.
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