Sunday, November 6, 2011

I hate stupours

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if I could do things again, whether I'd correct my old mistakes. In more literal terms that is how I feel emotionally. I face the same feelings that I had in the past, the same issues, the same resentments, the same insecurities and I wonder: will I embrace them differently this time? I was playing a bit of the piano this morning. It's my way of procrastinating. I was doing some improvisation, then practicing some of the 'Well Tempered Clavier', and then I was sightreading some Norah Jones songs.

I know how I've said in the past how I get certain feelings from listening to Norah Jones. It reminds me of when my depression period started. I wonder if I'm 'post-depression' era, or if I'm just 'post-peak'. I feel like such a failure, and the only way the thrive is to face failure in the face and take another beating. A Stallone style boxing analogy seems relevant to life right now. I'm not particularly feeling strong right now. There's a lot going on in my mind right now, things that I have to carry, and my days of stupour are returning. I've not been 'stupoured' in many weeks.

Today i've been invited to a party, which I may go to for a short time and then come home to prepare for an interview. There's much to do, and I'm just sitting around.

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