Friday, August 31, 2012

5 years from 2007

just finished PhD application. Sorted out interview in 2 weeks and job application workshop next week. You'd think that I'm keeping busy. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I'm going to deposit some pennies into my bank account because I realise that I've overspent. I'm sort of relieved I've sent it off. Now I have some non priority tasks to catch up on, as well as job searching. Thinking about going to the gym later, decided against it as I've already done 3 days in a row. Let today be my rest day.


I just realised a moment ago its coming towards the 5th anniversary. Can't believe I've had this blog for so long!

ah, an interview invitation.

Waking up (after that weird dream) this morning. I checked my emails and I saw subject heading:


RE: (Job title) [ref: 1337)


I thought to myself, ah not another rejection. Lets just skim read this for the word 'rejection'.


Couldn't find it, I could find the word 'delighted' though, as in: "We are delighted to have invite you to an interview".

I should make a habit of writing my dreams when I wake up, no matter how bizarre they are

Waking up I had a weird dream:


I went to a pawn shop looking for a watch, but I found that the watch was some bizarrely large novelty size. I wanted to see if they had other Seiko watches. I then went to look inside the shop and I saw lots of old SNES games for nonexistent titles like Contra 6 or something. This part of the dream reflects some kind of desire to buy musical instruments from a pawn shop.

I then went home, but it was my neighbour's house for some reason. I then made tea for my piano teacher who was coming later. But while the kettle was boiling, I went upstairs and suddenly I was in a GP consultation, where my friend from school (Julius, who I mentioned last year) was having an intervention with his dad, who wouldn't admit he had an alcohol problem. Then what happened is that the father was in denial. I then realised that I needed to go. I said to Julius that its been a long time and I gave him a hug in solidarity cos I knew he was having a hard time with his dad.

I then got home (which was my neighbour from badminton's house) and my mum said my piano teacher was here. I had to then get the tea and some big books of music next door but I accidently spilled it. I then woke up because my niece was crying (that's real life, not the dream)

I should make a habit of writing my dreams when I wake up, no matter how bizarre they are

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Stupour, that's the word!

Dear Diary,


The word I was trying to remember in my last post, was stupour. Funny I remember it, Because today was a stupour day of sorts (on paper). I was trying to catch up on 'non priority' tasks. I then Went to the gym, did some weights, then went to body balance. I wrecked my body quite a bit today. I say 'today', but I mean wednesday. Writing this blog is kind of an  afterthought.

Lots of things to do. Much of it not important. I think I might purge my metatask for unimportant tasks. I ate a lot of shit today. I've noticed that I'm comfort eating a lot. 1st september is the anniversary of when I started purging. It marks the end of summer. Autum comes, and my sad life begins again I worry about my depression coming back.

Now. Onwards.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The past few days (nothing to it but to do it)

Lots done today. I've not been in a good mindset today. I'm feeling a bit of unease. I am currently catching up with stuff, There's a lot to do this week. There's a saying by a bodybuilder, Ronnie Coleman, who said there's nothing to it but to do it. I'm dealing with the small stuff, because I'm not in a job where I can deal with the big stuff. Maybe one day I will. That's my aim. Lots of stuff going on around me. Julian Assange is being a Cunt, Laurie Penny writing great stuff shaming the wikileaks man; then led to predictable trolls being horrible to her. Syria is totally fucked right now, the economy is in the shitter and there was another horrible shooting.

I think there's a space for positive happy news. That's the paralympics. As a minor disabled person myself, those guys are inspirational and I hope to see them on Channel 4. I'm heading to bed (1am is actually earlier than usual), I am satisfied with my performance for today. There's an underlying anger inside me, a dissatisfaction with life. I think its bad that its growing in me. For now, there's nothing I can do. I must think of the positives of tomorrow. There's a lot of podcasts on the Paralympics. Very interesting stuff.


Yesterday (just finished)

  • sent 3 applications (well, one of them I just finished now, but its a different day - so maybe counts as 2)
  • Practiced piano
  • Went to BBQ
  • Dealt with social media for community project


  • Gardening
  • Went to brother's girlfriend's mother's (long winded) birthday


  • BBQ at friends house
  • Jamming session
  • Bought new laptop cooling deck


  • Sent 4 applications
  • Practice piano
  • Running
  • Dispatched ebay items

Friday, August 24, 2012

dear diary,


3 job applications,

lots of little tasks

big catchup, but still more to do.

2am was my cutoff point. Now I really should stop.


I've been in a bit of a bad way today, maybe cos I chose to bury myself in the tasks. Tomorrow, more to do.


Is it weird that one of my collaborators with the community blog gives me a big adrenaline rush when I see her? I think at least physiologically, I'm attracted to her. I think that's probably true for many people in the world. That low level sort of attraction that won't go anywhere.

Now off to bed, but first, ugu

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Afternoon musings.

Good morning.


Good Afternoon!


I have just come back from the post office. I've sent off another ebay package, £14.60 item with £7 postage. At least its a profit. I got up at a late 11am. I keep chatting to that dream girl on okcupid. If she wasn't out of london I think she'd be girlfriend material. If I wasn't so broke, she'd already be my girlfriend. I think its weird saying that, but I think she's so lovely and we seem so compatible, and she's different enough to me to not let me be set in my ways.


Okay so I've set a plan for the day. Lots of job searching, lots of catchup. If I get it all done then I might either go out tonight, or I'll do spinning. I'd like to do something after 6pm that doesn't involve my lazing in the house. I'm quite a gym rat lately. This morning I felt the intense burn of my back and biceps. Okay, it wasn't an intense burn, but it was a nice burn. Yesterday I did a double gym session. That means I've already done 4 sessions this week, add Thursday and it will be 5!


If I did some piano practice, maybe some copious job applicating, then I'll have something to show of my day. I'm thinking of getting a hair cut. Now. Onwards with my tasks.


Oh yeah, today is a news story about Prince Harry being silly with naked fun pictures. Sure he's a prince, but he's also 27. Gotta have fun somehow!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Testing blogger app

Im in the gym loos. Did a weights session. Now going to balanve class. Arms are burning

Focus on the positives.

Today I got an extra shift at work, attempted to fix my computer so it can play expendables (failed), and sent off ebay items.  I will have made £75 my most recent ebay sales, but I've just spent £10 on half of the postage, probably £10 for the next half, about £5 in overheads for the paypal and £5 for ebay at least.

Now I'm thinking of heading off to the gym, doing a double session: weights then body balance. I have been going to the gym a lot lately, for spinning and body balance and badminton, but I haven't done any serious weights in a long time. My nephew and niece have been over today, plus computer problems, plus post office delays have put me off my schedule.

But at least I've earned a bit of money today.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

There are some positives you know.

Dear Diary,


I think lately there's been a change in my mindset. I have been feeling a little bit depressed that's true, but there is also something positive in me. I feel excited for the prospects of being around people. I am excited about one cute female colleague at work, and a few others I look forward to working with .I feel excited about seeing my brother and my mates at badminton later. I got quite a buzz at spinning class last night. I must say spinning class was a bit of a pain, though. The exhaustion and draining of being on that bike isn't easy, it just gets less hard.


I think I have a better idea of who I am when I'm around people. In my own head I can go off the rails. I am selling some ebay items which should be fully sorted tonight. Hopefully this will mean that I'll get some more money into the account. Small pennies, but gotta start somewhere. This morning I have been thinking about extra shifts, I have an oppurtunitiy to get two extra shifts. One was a dead cert, the other not sure. I said no to the dead cert (because it looked like a busy shift) and took my chances to say I'm available for the other one. The other (non dead cert) available shift is first come first serve.


Yesterday I had some quite nice food. Mostly healthy. I made a tuna/potato concoction and a nice protein milkshake with a banana. Next time I'll put cinnamon.

So I have 5 hours until badminton. 4.5 if you include getting ready. 4 if you include an inevitable break that I will take. I will have to keep this in mind today. I got a lot of good work done yesterday even if I only applied to one job. Must get on. This is the only way I can emancipate myself.

Monday, August 20, 2012

now off to the gym.

Dear Diary,

Caught up on a few tasks. Not quite there yet. This will take a while I think. I can't believe its nearly 5:30 already! I'll venture to get to the gym today, maybe a class, maybe some training. I looked at my weight today. It's stabilised. That's not a bad thing, but it's not a great weight. I've got to take diet much more seriously. I do however, enjoy my current fitness routine: Did my second Spinning class last week, I do Badminton and Body Balance Regularly, did Pilates last week. Not sure if I'll do it today, mainly because its so late. If I am off to the spinning class, I ought to get ready soon.


Today I did a couple of things: reply to ebay queries, Set a plan for a PhD application, emailed about PhD-re application at Brighton, email catch up, I've set up a plan to continue with the community blog that I've set up. I sent an application off on a job board, then I got an extra shift at work. If my cards are right, I should get a bit of money from ebay selling by the end of the day.

I'm over the weekend, sort of.

Dear Diary,


One of those great weekends where so much happens. Now I'm exhausted emotionally. Physically speaking, I'm a little bit better. Today is a matter of counting my positives this week. I'm going to catch up on my schedule. I did take two days off, but there is a slight overflow of tasks. Hopefully nothing I can't handle. I must say, this week just finished has been good. I'm going to have to write up and find out what I've done. I did cuddle a girl a couple of times.


I did a bit of digging and found out (without intrusion), that the girl has been to the club a few times that I've been to. I may suspect that she's a regular. With that in mind she has a possible predation tendency. She seemed nice, kind of attractive, plus she has a masters degree. I shall call her American Studies. American Studies last weekend is the girl who gave me her number and she works in academia. I need to overthink less and relax more when it comes to things like this.

I need to make more out of my life. It starts here. When I blog on here I have terminology that I invent, I used to have a word for when I would have 'lost time', but I forgot what it was. I think that's a good sign...

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The nigth I went to wath Expendables 2 (this post has nothing to do with the film)

Dear Diary,


What can I say about last night?


I went to see expendables 2 with my friends.Then we went to a club, then we met up with a group of new people we didn't know, got talking. Some flirting was involved between parties, suddenlty I got mocked cos a comment about how I like some men sexually and then lots of weird biphobia came out with a girl that had gay friends. I didn't like that. I don't like when my sexuality is the topic of discussion either.


I talked with two notable lovely women. One was apparently a computer scientist/user experience psychologist who had a skill set of a spy. In addition she was utterly sardonic about one of my friends, which I found attractive. Later that night we ended up with a group consisting of a couple gay guys and two girls, some very strange turn of events led to us being invited to their place, we (me and two others, the others went home of my group) stayed for a while and, I got one of the girl's numbers, she seemed very keen on seeing us as a group again. I have been thinking about her since the morning, perhaps because I saw Foucault in her book shelf, and the Bell Jar.

|If I see any Sylvia Plath on someone's bookshelf or know that they like her work, I almost immediately like them by default. I almost feel that if someone read that book I don't need to repeat myself about 'my story'. I was Esher Greenwood for a while. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm reading too much into hoping that I'll hear back from her.

One thing I thought of when I was going home was that this kind of adventure was exaclty what I wanted when I was at uni. That was the kind of life of spontenaity and socialising with the opposite sex and same age group that I really missed. I really wanted fun random times with other people, with a good gorup of friends, meeting new people and so forth. Maybe I can make up for it now. I can still have fun random times. I can make up for being a massive nerd. I did get a compliment from a gay guy. I told him that I have no idea how to cope with compliments, because, I've never had them. I think he thought that was cute. I thought it was anxiety.


I'm off to a family party today. I'm still hunger. The trick is to pretend not to be.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

At least i've built a base for laziness

3 job applications sent.


Think I'll go to spinning class to cycle my brains out. Then I'll feel too exhausted to think, or cry.


That will be 4 gym sessions in a row this week. Today I did almost everything I wanted to plan. Hopefully the next few days will show some merit.


However knowing myself (as the ancient inscription says), means tomorrow and the next few days will be 'tired' days.  At least I've built a base for laziness.

sometimes its easier to shut down when you are feeling low.


sent off a couple of job applications today, hopefully i'll go to spinning class.

Dear Diary,


It's exam results day of 'A' levels for a bunch of 17-18 year olds, and others of course who are out of that age range. I think they will be the first generation to face the new pricing system for university. Laurie Penny has an interesting article here. Gradgrinds of our time have their rule.

I've got to focus on me right now. I've got to find a job, get my life back. It's been the same narrative for the past 3 years. in those years I could have gotten ahead of my job, found a flat to live in, got a girlfriend, maybe gotten married and had a child, gotten a PhD, taken one of the unpaid offers I actually got. I could have done a lot of things, instead I'm being asked by my mum to go to the neighbour's house to give a birthday present.


I think I'll do the spinning class today. Try to find something to focus on outside of this shit soup that I'm swimming in.


Onwards (I say tiredly)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Yesterday I saw the Expendables

Dear Diary,


2 job applications, a short telephone interview and doing a graduate online assessment. Not bad, but I knew it could be better. The odd thing is that last night I slept early and woke up late! I went to Leicester Square to see my favourite action stars for the expendables premiere, then I went to Pilates. Great to Dolph, Statham, Stallone and Arnold in the Flesh. Afterwards I went to pilates, really wore me down! I feel so behind with everythign right now, partly due to lazinesw and my feeling of malaise with life. I feel hopeless, without real motivation or real passion.


I've lost who I am, I have to just keep going until I find myself again, and maybe that's enough for now. I do like that I'm going to lots of fitness things :)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Harvey Dent makes his own luck



Got paid in this week. Kind of relieved. It's a lovely morning outside. I want to go out. I want to do something fun. I don't want to stay in the house when the greatest sporting event in the UK is going on all over me and I live in the city!

I think someone said it to me that I have made my schedule so restricting that it defines everything.I think that's true. It is everything I'm aiming for: job searching, my pursuit for happiness and learning, PhD applications. I just want to do something different today. I am tempted to go out for a walk. Maybe I'll venture to the gym, maybe I'll relax in the sauna. I also realised that I've not used the gym properly lately, classes are great but there are other facilities I'm paying for!

They say youth is boundless potential, but I'm broke and without any immediate prospects. I'm wasting away at the peak of my life. I fucking hate it. I should follow the creed of Harvey Dent and 'make my own luck'

Thursday, August 9, 2012

That's Geraldine...


I'm getting on with it this week. Slow starts to the day but hopefully I'll make a pace as it goes on. I'm looking at forums and just procrastinating without applying right now. Did a lot of job searching yesterday. I feel a bit deflated. I'm reading a book about depression. There was one bit that really struck me. The author talked about how he had an email relationship with a woman and they shared their experiences and feelings about depression. This author mentioned how he felt a great intimacy with this woman that he emailed and sometimes phoned, because of the way she understood his depression. There was almost a romantic element suggested but then he described meeting her. This woman was so severely depressed and it combined with other medical problems, she was incapable of any kind of relationship or connection when her lucidity was diminished.

Reading the book reminds me of when I was severely depressed. I would lay in bed all day, manage to find time and energy to get out of bed, then walk to a tescos or takeaway to eat a fuckload of chocolate, or fried food, and then go back to bed, or masturbate, or some combination of the above. I was so depressed in late 2006 that I had a plate of food under my bed that was there for 2 months. It grew mould. I felt so tired and without any willpower, I couldn't bear to take it out of under the bed and throw it away. It was a microwaveable lamb shank which was in a plastic pouch, I microwaved it, put it on the plate and it just stayed there for weeks.

Marie reminded me of the woman that Andrew Solomon (the author of the book) talked about in terms of how the bond of sympathy is almost mistaken for love. Except Marie was probably less depressed than I was. The thing that really got to me reading the book was when Solomon's friend was showing him her photo album of the past, and he realised something was wrong when she began to repeat herself, eventually she just kept saying 'That's Geraldine, that's Geraldine, that's Geraldine...'. It is no life to live with that kind of depression.

I am a little bit depressed at the moment. Lack of prospects with jobs is making me feel hopeless, all my friends are in careers. I'm 26 and I've gotten nowhere fast. Another thing that really got to me in the book was a testimony from a man who reported to Solomon how he is going through a hard time financially and with his family, but he's not depressed clinically. IN that sense the man was feeling pretty great. The point was that depression makes things impossible, but real life, while hard, is not impossible.

I don't see it that way, and maybe that's why I'm not really as depressed as I think I am. I could have had it a lot worse. But I don't really want to dwell on that. What I want to dwell on is how to make it better.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

sabbath doesn't apply

Dear Diary,


Hello. I haven't eaten much in the past few hours. I've been so taken by preparing for tomorrow, and the next few days, clearing tasks, and recovering from gym earlier. Got to sleep now, maybe eat first. An odd thought has come into my mind, I'm not really sure why or how it's relevant, I'll just say it: I think I'm ready to accept things getting better in my life. A relationship would be nice. I think I'd like that. Maybe earning more too.

Anyway, working tomorrow, on a sunday of all times.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

just had a facebook chat with an old friend from uni.


awkward as fuck. he's a hospital manager after a 2 year grad scheme in operations. I'm uploading pictures of food on google + and clearing my phone of immature picture messages of my balls.

I think he got the good straw in life.


Today I've been catching up on vital tasks. In a sense its a day off. I've been preparing some music (9 days worth) of a playlist, as well as planning ahead on my schedule. Just getting on with the day. Really great day in the olympics. I was quite depressed this morning, and parts of this afternoon. I shook it off towards 2pm. I'll try to do the gym tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

keeping motivated: sports and fitness

I'm getting on with a job application at the moment, but I am also trying to organise a new web project with the community group I'm involved with. I'm loving the olympics at the moment.  Feeeling really patriotic and I admire all the countries taking part, except those badminton guys who were barely playing, very unsportsperson - like.


When the torch came by my part of town. I went to the gym. I enjoy sports and trying to keep fit nowadays. I really like badminton and I enjoy that I'm getting better. It's hard work for me because of my disability, but it gives me a sense of drive. I'm going to body balance later today, and I think I might try spinning tomorrow. Now to get on with my application!