Tuesday, February 17, 2015

dear diary,

my brain is going a mile a minute. i'm thinking about so many things to do over the next few weeks and days. It's almost too much.

I bought some cosmetics today. I also made massively long to do lists.

That would keep me busy

I need to fight. Despierately.

Need to fight.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Often i've talked about how I should satisfice rather than maximise.

Lately I'm doing maximin. Maxi min is the most amount I can do with the minimum of effort.

Well I say effort, it is a massive effort to get out of bed. I did a lot of correspondences lately through email on my phone while on bed. Those correspondences probably netted me about £250.

I will be working a few extra days. I was asked to work at the sunday sentinel tomorrow (which is my favourite shift) and I will be on the sentinel's newsdesk on sunday. I will be in about 4 different departments next week and I'm in talks about possibly covering some more the week after.

I have to take things day by day, pound by pound. Life isn't so great at the moment but I need to do the best I can.

I've not had the most chanc e to write in this blog/diary lately. I suppose I've been soul searching. I've lost a lot of my interest in music and I am enjoying things like updating my tumblr, archiving and playing games on my tablet/phone. I have also had a liking for watching religious videos on youtube. Don't ask me why but I find it oddly satisfying and cathartic to listen to fundamentalist christians talking about their faith. It feels like a comforting worldview and simplifies the world. I guess when I'm feeling like shit I suspend critical thought and just put it on and it feels ...well, I can't really describe it. It helps me sleep.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Yvonne Roberts of the Observer quoted Kurt Cobain allegedly saying 'better to burn out than fade away', which in itself is another song reference I think. Article here : http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/feb/08/depression-drives-many-men-to-commit-suicide

Depression is a bitch. I must accept that I have it now. I feel constantly tired and motivation is very low lately.

I'm trying to make my life simpler, I'm trying to cut down a lot of things in my life. I also aim to try and make things work, work in the sense that I don't miss appointments and I don't fuck up at work. I am just about doing that.

I think by an ordinary measure, my previous week has been productive and despite the shit going on in my mind, I think I 'fought'.

I've got a list of things I need to get on with today. I sincerely hope just to meander on with it all.

It's reaching the 2 year point where I've had my glasses, so I need to get another eye test and order some new glasses. I've just set the appointment now, I've been putting it off for a while, as I have been putting everything else in life off.

The Mcdonald's coupon thing expired yesterday. I was at a kids party yesterday and I popped out with some friends who ordered some burgers for me so that I could consume 3 burgers at once. I did successfully manage to do it. It's funny how people have observed that I've lost weight when I am eating in this otherwise deviant and destructive way.

I am currently listening to some shitty indie band called the 'augustines'. I can't bear to listen to music I like at the moment. But it's background music and it helps me feel productive.

I am going to get some lunch. I might think about cancelling gym class later tonight.

Wish me luck, if anyone reads this. I'm really struggling at the moment.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

dear diary,

Lately I've been living in extremely parallel worlds. I have been bed bound a lot lately, with some weird stupour like feeling. I think it is my depression that has returned. Basically it feels like I'm tired all the time. But I can't distinguish between being actually tired and the kind of depression that keeps you in bed all day.

The weird thing is that this feeling of miserly fatigue does not affect me at night. So I lately have taken this as a sign to work in a more cicadian (sic) manner.

Right now I've read through blogs and articles and left wing blogs about the recent 2 months. Apparently there are several professional issues going on in philosophy that are quite interesting but I am too tired and mentally exhausted to follow them with the problems in my own life.

Perhaps I'll say 3 positive things:

  1. I think I'm getting more used to my meds
  2. I have managed to do gym through the week
  3. I have experienced pleasure and joy lately - through the form of eating McDonalds
Lately I've had a weird fixation on McDonalds. Basically a few weeks back the Metro had a coupon offer and my mum always liked cutting them out and it sort of rubbed off on me. That coincided with my recent fascination with cutting things out from newspapers. I got like 40-60 coupons after taking multiple copies of the metro on the days these vouchers appeared. I ended up eating mcdonalds between 1-2 times a day at a normal day. In recent days I have had mcdonalds 3 times and on friday I went 4 times. I nearly went 5 times in a single day. I am eating obsessively because I feel this sense of achievement of using up all of the vouchers. Lately I am not spending much money on stuff and it feels 'frugal' to be using those coupons. It comes to points (on the 2nd, 3rd burger) where I am not interested in the food and I just feel like I have to finish this task 

Combine that with the fact that I have had some weight loss in recent weeks, which means my eating habits have not been noticed by many people, except those I've told.