Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Next month: provisional plan

two gigs

four shifts at work


Try to catch up with shit? - maybe. I appreciate that this month at work has gotten me lots of short notice shifts.


This month I've been worried about money. Not least because I'm short on it in my bank balance.


I've started to mark the days in my calendar when I'm exceptionally tired. I want to see if there's a pattern.


Maybe its gym stuff, maybe I'm putting too much on my plate right now. Maybe It's a dietary issue. Maybe its laziness, maybe it's despair. Maybe I'm overplanning. Maybe it's just actually busy.


I'm failing at the moment in terms of planning and getting shit done. I'm thinking about going to the gym. I might make it a very quick and shrot session, just to get the energy up and running, Just to prove I've still got the routine. Monday was working. Tuesday was working. Tuesday and Wednesday (today) have been fatigue days. I possibly haven't gotten my rest time in from last weekend.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Play Catchup

Good morning. I woke up around 5am. Last night I wasn't feeling very well. I had an online cyber chat with a girl that I know online that was kinda weird. Well not weird for her or me, except it was weird for me after it happened, i.e. now.


I said things that were too honest. Things about my feelings of vulnerability, that she liked. Things I don't like are being too open. Being too vulnerable, being delirious to a girl I don't know so well.

Kinda tired, but its a good thing. I'm up early. I did have a very weird thought: of how appealing it would be to drink some whiskey right now. That's kind of wrong. That's really wrong. I havne't drunk anything since that little finger last sunday or so, but its weird I have that urge.

Maybe I'll do some catchup tasks. In the words of Henry Kelly: play catchup


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

'On this day'

I have a thing in my diary where it tells me anniversaries of things I consider notable. I got one a couple of days ago saying that was the day of my MA graduateion, the one today which was a year after that told me that the travel disccount card I got from the Job Centre expired, then the year after that (2011) it told me I had saw some celebrities at my work. Then last year I had an anniversary about an awesome gig I went to see. I wonder what 2013 anniversary will be. Actually I know, its that piano rehearsal I had.


Good afternoon.


Yes I'm up late, I know.There's some things on my mind.


Been feeling really good this morning after the gym burn. I feel so good about myself when I push myself hard at the gym. I can't describe the pleasure.


So this day? It is what I make of it. I am proud of yesterday. If I did more days like that I'd be happy. I got an extra shift at work by replying to an email quickly. An extra few hours means a few extra quid coming in. I'm very low on funds this month. I'll need to find a way to fill the gap.


Yesterday my training partner (I need to give him a name) was telling me how he love being back in london and how he feels like he's finally getting ahead at work. I'm happy for him.  I really just wish I moved forward too. I wish I could move forward like him, like my other friends, like everyone else. I hate this fucking job situation. I hate this fucking life situation. Even if I ever get out of this, I'll never let go of this feeling.It's a dark fucking place, and I have to find glimmers of light wherever I can.


a good tuesday (I think) [more talk about pumping]

Today at the gym my friend noticed (he came in from work and I was waiting for him) that my eyes were red upon starting our workout together. I was crying. I was working through some difficult painful feelings inside when I was on the arm bike. I was working through it and pushing hard, carrying on. Using the yearning desperation of my inner turmoil as fuel to the furnace of my body.


Two hours badminton. Almost two hours weight training and cardio. Applied to five jobs. Made a call to the psychologists. Called from the application I made (agency). Did the big job search.

I'm using weight training/bodybuilding as a substitute for my eating disorder. It's funny that I can mask disordered eating through the guise of weight training. I mask mia and her presence in my head with weight training and cardio and all that weight stuff.


I've been watching 'My Big Fat Mad Diary' lately. It's kind of giving me warm feelings. It's kind of giving me disturbing feelings. I love the soundtrack and being reminded of the 1990s. But I am less comfortable with the triggers of the whole mental illness thing. I like the character Kester. Part of me is transported to who I used to be.


Have you ever lived in times or dreams or simulations where you are transported back in time to change the past? I'd be like Cable from the X men. I'd beat the shit out of anyone who gets in my way and use my future muscle to save people. I'd be more violent, more aggressive. More of a bastard. Because I know thats what I needed to be back then, and I wasn't and I hate myself for being so weak and tired and broken.

I'm going to be strong. I am showing with each pump how strong I am. I am also showing my vulnerability as well.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Got to pump on.

Dear Diary,

I got up around 10-11. First time in a while that I've actually lazed out of bed. Getting up I realised I have only a few hours before badminton to get shit done. I did the big job search, then Applied to a few jobs (5) I got a call from one of the young and attractive sounding recruiters. Will see how that goes.

Work yesterday, got fucking tired. Didn't do gym.

Today: Job searching, blog stuff, applying to shit, planning stuff.

Later today: Gym stuff, Eating. Badminton.


Something makes me feel Restless today. I'm not sure what it is. But Restless is good. It means I'm bouncing around, It means I'm getting shit done. It means I have a big fuckoff lot of windows open on firefox that I want to cut down and make sure aren't up.

I have no work for the rest of the week. This means that I have no excuses about gym, no excuses about blogging, no excuses about my book review and all the other shit I have planned. I've got to fucking push on.I've got to hit that shit hard. I have to take that love of the pump to the gym with me and take it out of the gym. I've got to love the pump, love that feeling of blood rushing, that tingle of pain in my body, that feeling of giving up and embracing the pain. I've got to bring that to my real life.

Hit that shit, hit that shit, HIT THAT SHIT!

God I love fucking testosterone.

Tuesday Morning thoughts

Dear Diary

Woke up in good time to get to work. Got to work. Finished early, got home. Felt exhausted. Went to sleep. Woke up, couldn't go to gym. Relaxed/rested up. Still tired.

Not much done today. Too tired. I allowed myself to be tired. I'm not sure if I will do the same tomorrow.

I do hate feeling tired. I do hate that I'm not doing too much. However I am putting my body through a lot of abuse, physically. With all the gym stuff. I am trying to go for muscular hypotrophy and that takes a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a lot of food.

I've been thinking about stuff lately. Stuff that I think I could write about, being a 'writer' sort of mentality. It's odd. I used to write this blog to try and vent all the things I had in my head that I desperately wanted to talk about. Now I'm just repeating myself with my daily concerns. The more interesting thoughts are going on when I'm not anonymous, when I'm being myself. This is a marked change from being 'conatus'


Perhaps something to look into. I should try and sleep now.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Not fucking yet. Never fucking close. (weekend reflections)

This weekend:

Made a networking visit. Did some training. Went to the cinema, went out with the boys. Sunday: not much going on. Just recovering, eating and resting. Not even that much masturbating. Too tired. I feel a lingering sense of disappointment.


I saw a film just now that I really wanted to see. At the same time I was going through some of the news stories. I drank a little bit of the scotch Irish Whiskey that I got from work. I didn't even drink a finger. It's enough to make me feel drowsy. I've got work tomorrow. I should try to keep it all together for that. Then After 3 I'm off the clock for another week. Maybe, just maybe I can find some time to get shit done.


In a way I'm behind, in another way I've done more this week than I've ever done. In other ways, I just don't give a shit. I kind of feel like a sylvester stallone character: don't get a shit, just need to move forward. Cut losses and hang on.

I'm so tired. I'm fucking tired of life. I'm fucking tired of how my job situation is holding back my life. I'm fucking tired of not getting into full time work. I'm fucking tired of disappointtment. I don't deserve disappointment. I am fucking tired of the real world.No more whiskey for tonight, I didn't even drink a tiny cap full. Just need to get on. Just need to carry on. Just need to pull through. Just need to hit all the fucking bases.

Piece of shit life. I fucking hate it. I'm not dying yet, though. Not fucking yet. Never fucking close.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

half tired, half alive.

Dear Diary,


I need to be more stringent with my finances. I am of very limited funds at the moment.

Another thought on my mind is the fact that it's already Lent? I didn't realise lent began in Febuary. Then again I never give a shit about christian holidays and things except christmas and easter. And yes I know Lent is technically part of easter, but its the boring part.

I'm feeling a bit worn down of present. The reason for this is all the shit going on. I'm sorta glad its going on, but I do need time to focus my energies. Interview yesterday, work yesterday, work today. It's all good when it comes in terms of my targets and stuff. Tomorrow is probably going to be a *sprawl on my bed exhausted* day. So I have to go to work in about 5 minutes.

Reflections: I didn't get the job from yesterday's interview. That sucks the shit.

I'm going to be pretty tired by the time the shift is over, then I have gym stuff. I know all of this is for some sense of greater good - giving me self assurance, giving me a sense of betterment, for hope about the future. I need to apply to more jobs.

Part of me has been living in my memories lately. I've been golden-aging a bit of the past. Which is never good. It's bloody cold outside today. I wonder if I'll go to subway and scoff on the way to work, like earlier today. I don't wonder. I am going to do that.

I wish I had some deep thoughts to say that would gvie me some philosophical-spiritual insight on my situation that will give me a strong sense of inspiration. However, I'm not that naive anymore. I just have to get on with what is essentially my shit, underachieving life.


Fucking interview cunts.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Good morning.


I am up sorta later than usual. I've been strategically ordering my sleep. I went to sleep early last night, then I woke up really early. I went back to bed for a few hours and now I'm properly up. Let's talk about yesterday.

  • Badminton
  • Did some cardio at the gym last night beforehand (i.e. double session)
  • Went to work, ate lovely lunch at subway.
  • Examine course options
  • Sent course query
  • Did some blogging stuff
  • Archiving
  • Some interview prep
  • Recieved march shifts
  • Got feedback on that interview last week or so...


So here's the thing. It's bad news and good news. The good news is i passed through the interview. Bad news: I am not going through the next round of assessment centres because its booked. But, and it's a big but: if there are remaining vacancies I'll be in the next round of assessment centre days? Kinda weird...However I also kinda feel like I didn't fail. Yet.

Today: wake up, interview. Go home, eat. Work. Work. Work. Go home, sleep. Long day.

Today is basically out of commission in terms of tasks. So fucking hungry now. There's a fellow working on my alarm at the moment.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Long few days

Woke up around 5am today, my dad was wretching and coughing in a way that almost sounded like he's dying. Really worries me. It also made me think of all the times in my childhood when I was worried sick from stuff my parents did. Maybe its what contributed to my anxiety now

I got up properly around 7:30 or so. Checked some blogs. I did some archiving. I looked at some potential courses, sent a course query. Did some blogging. Looked at some emails. Did some emailing. Thought about the next few moments: I'll be off to work in a moment. I've then got badminton after work, then I'm doing some spinning perhaps. I think a double session might be in order. I have limited time this week and therefore I'll need to pack in the training time.

Yesterday I did some intensive cardio. Well, it could have been more intensive. I did 10 mins on the treadmill, took a breather. Did 20 on the rowing. Took another breather. Then I did some weights, some ab exercises and to close I did a few more mins on the treadmill. I saw a video of myself recently and I didn't like how I looked. I think I'm going to focus on cardio for the next few weeks. I need to get that serious drip of salty sweaty out of me. I need to cut and cut and cut. No more bulking for now. Bulking is showing on my belly. I need to cut.

I'm tempted to leave the house early and head off to Subway for a nice bit of lunch.

Coming up later this week:

  • Interview tomorrow (which I seemingly feel no interest in)
  • Work until 1am tomorrow
  • Work on Thursday
  • Class on thursday?
  • Rest day friday? Catch up on schema tasks
  • Doing a mission/volunteer task on Saturday
  • Gardening sunday?

Got the week all panned out. Was talking to someone at the planning meeting last night, I was telling them that I need to have a rethink about my commitments and how I spend my time. One of the guys then replied: well in a way, its better that you are in this position than not. I can agree with that. My life is suddenly full of things.

Last night I had some pretty bad terrors. Mia thinking in particular, triggering, upsetting me. All of that stuff in my inner world upsetting me. While in my outer world I seem to have plenty to get on with. I feel like I might get really tired later today. I have to be cautious of that.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

sunday morning, 1031

went out yesterday to the meeting.

Wasn't as planned. Because there was not blooming plan. Someone had to play the leader that wasn't comfortable with it.

I felt a bit anxious towards the end. It was a lot of energy being in that kind of environment.

I'm a bit sad.

I've been thinking about how the gay marriage issue doesn't really move things as forward as they could. I also am thinking about cliques. I don't like cliques. I don't like how they form, and I don't like the inevitability of them.

I'm feeling mia at the moment. Mia's around, like a shadow. In a deep jungian sense, she is my shadow. I'll never get rid of her. Mia is a part of me in a deeper way than I ever realised.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

my mind needs a rest day

Dear Diary.


Really fucking tired right now. I don't know why. I had my sustenance today. I think. I might just lay down for an hour. I really need to do the gym today. I feel like my mind needs rest days as well as my body.

drunk and tired (both quite unusual)

Long day at work.

I got some free booze after work. I drank some of it. It was fresh cream liqueur (sic). I'm drunk. It is surprisingly alcoholic.


Really tired now. I have that feeling where my soul feels drained. I applied to another shift that opened up. I got like another 2-3 shifts this month. I might get some more money in March if that's the case. It will also mean that next week will be busy. I'm thinking about going away this weekend. I'm not sure if its appropriate just yet.


Also, a related problem: I am running out of money.


Things to do this month:

  • Work
  • Gym
  • Interview
  • apply to jobs
  • research on gardens
  • write book review
  • buy glasses
  • Perform?

Going to listen to my audiobooks then off to bed.


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Almost optimistic

Things that happened yesterday:


  1. Badminton
  2. Went to an environmental meeting
  3. recieved extra shift at work
  4. practiced piano and melodica
  5. Sent job application (just one)
  6. Weight training

Overall, pretty mentally taxing. Couldn't do anymore by the time I  went home. I was chatting to a nice girl on okcupid. She seems really cute.

Got a weird text from Adora. Not sure whether to reply or not. I think she's having a me-relapse. The kind that if I reply it will start a bad circle again.

So what shall I do today? Well Today starts with breakfast. I got a call last night from my boss, effectively asking about if I can come in earlier. I do like the prospect of getting extra money next month from the extra shift. Every little helps. Yesterday was unusual, in the sense that I actually felt almost, almost, optimistic. I saw a beautiful story on the news about how Parliament has approved of Gay Marriage.

I know its a bad thing to say when I'm a current affairs blogger, but my life has been going in such a direction, where stuff going on in life outside of my head hardly takes too much of my attention. I know what happens after this. I don't get the jobs. I feel miserable for two months, and then the cycle begins again where I pick myself up. I'm almost picking myself up. I'm almost making something out of my pitiful life.

Please, please, can I get a break? I've even started praying.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

my heart is pounding like a motherfucker, but its not a heart problem (black metal in the afternoon)

  • wake up
  • Jack off
  • Blogging
  • Interview invitation
  • Lunch
  • Confirm interview invitation details
  • Apply to journalistic job?
  • (now) anxiety

Monday, February 4, 2013

midday thoughts (podcasting in the morning)

Dear Diary,

Woke up at 10am. Not the worst thing in the world. Not exactly ideal. It was nice and sunny outside. However still not bright enough to have optimism.

Since getting up I essentially went straight to work. By work, I mean doing those things which I have been putting off lately: namely, the act of looking for jobs. So I'm in the middle of that right now. I realise that it doesn't have to take as long as my brain thinks it should. Because it upsets me a lot, I have to just bite the bullet and get on with doing something I don't like.

I've been thinking about something lately, and that is bereavement. I've talked about how Eileen died in November, and its the everyday things which are making me sad. It's the moment when I'm walking home and I miss seeing her come out of the house and put some bottles in the recycling box. Or going to boots and seeing her along the way. Things like that. Eileen's widower is a man who is intolerable. But one can't help but feel sorry for him. That man lost his wife, and 2.5 years ago, his son. The past version of me could not have envisaged such an outcome.

The past me couldn't have envisaged my life would be so shit at 26. But I have to push on. I have to do my best. If nt for the dead, then for my life.

Something else has been troubling me lately as well.  One of my colleagues had a bereavement, but not just any bereavement, her father and grandmother (paternal) died. I can't imagine how that feels. I can't imagine not just how she must feel to have lots them both, but at the same time. Apparently her employers were't so understanding so she quit her job. Part of me sort of wants to say how sorry I am and I'd do anything to cheer her up. But maybe that would let on too much or make her feel weird at the workplace. I'm just a work colleague, but I feel like we're friends. I'll think more about being nice to her.

A month in review

Things I did today:

  • Gardening
  • Practice melodica
  • Sent application
  • Write provisional book review
  • (Playlisting)
  • (Archiving)

Things I did this week:

  • Gym on saturday
  • Gym class on tuesday, wednesday
  • Badminton on tuesday
  • Interview on Friday
  • Working a bit
  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Researching on ways to help community group
  • Had eye test
  • Recieved HC2 form
  • Sent a few job apps
  • Read a few blog articles for review purposes

Things I did this month:

  • 28 Job applications
  • 1 interview (maybe not counts if its on the 1st feb)
  • Interview prep
  • 30 Training sessions (that means I've clocked at least 30-35 hours at the gym, not that I spent 30 days)
  • Read a bit
  • Gained weight
  • Saw the GP about my mental health problems


I'm not proud of myself. I won't be until I work full time.

When people talk about new years and new starts. I really want to take it seriously. I keep these records to show I'm serious. I keep these records to hold accountable to myself.

Next week it starts over again.

I'll go for a double gym session of spinning and pilates tomorrow. The cardio will do me good. The cardio will do me good.



Sunday, February 3, 2013

On(e's) Cultural Identity

I have so many different minority statuses that sometimes I feel often it’s not worth going into them just because it takes so much time. I have been reflecting on histories lately. As more and more people of my parents generation are dying, I am reminded of how a period of cultural history from particularly my father’s generation is so easily going to be forgotten. My dad migrated to the UK along with many other African-Indians, they left in the context of Afrocentric cultural and economic oppression. It’s something that isn’t talked about by their generation, and it has made me aware of how many other people in contexts of oppression have chosen to bury parts of their history.

I am starting to find it particularly disconcerting in the sense that there’s even less information and oral history in further generations before my father. However the accepted narrative is essentially subjugation: before the African political climate turned against my dad’s generation, our ethnic community were British subjects, and before then, Portugese, and before then, British again.

With my father’s generation of those African-Indian migrants who moved around Europe and the Americas. They are in their cultural sensibilities and their accents, African. However the exile has also effectively denied their claim as African. A generation or two before my dad, many Indians migrated to African states such as Uganda, Kenya, Tanzania or Malawi. So my paternal grandparents migrated from a Portugese (and former British) colony to a British colony. Culturally speaking I can’t tell whether I’m from a first generation migrant background or second-generation.

This has led me to think about my own cultural identity and what I identify with.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Things I did today

  • Went to work
  • Interview prep
  • Tried (and failed) to book appointment
  • Successfully had eye test and ordered glasses


Could have done more. Should have done more.

Today I weighed myself. I am heavier than I usually am. But most people are saying I've lost weight. It's weird.