Today at the gym my friend noticed (he came in from work and I was waiting for him) that my eyes were red upon starting our workout together. I was crying. I was working through some difficult painful feelings inside when I was on the arm bike. I was working through it and pushing hard, carrying on. Using the yearning desperation of my inner turmoil as fuel to the furnace of my body.
Two hours badminton. Almost two hours weight training and cardio. Applied to five jobs. Made a call to the psychologists. Called from the application I made (agency). Did the big job search.
I'm using weight training/bodybuilding as a substitute for my eating disorder. It's funny that I can mask disordered eating through the guise of weight training. I mask mia and her presence in my head with weight training and cardio and all that weight stuff.
I've been watching 'My Big Fat Mad Diary' lately. It's kind of giving me warm feelings. It's kind of giving me disturbing feelings. I love the soundtrack and being reminded of the 1990s. But I am less comfortable with the triggers of the whole mental illness thing. I like the character Kester. Part of me is transported to who I used to be.
Have you ever lived in times or dreams or simulations where you are transported back in time to change the past? I'd be like Cable from the X men. I'd beat the shit out of anyone who gets in my way and use my future muscle to save people. I'd be more violent, more aggressive. More of a bastard. Because I know thats what I needed to be back then, and I wasn't and I hate myself for being so weak and tired and broken.
I'm going to be strong. I am showing with each pump how strong I am. I am also showing my vulnerability as well.
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