Wednesday, October 31, 2007

At least I'm not a dateless loser

Lets be positive:
  1. Today is the day of my second date; I'm going out with a girl who actually wants to go out with me and perhaps even enjoys my company
  2. I have met Marie, who is simply amazing.
  3. I'm getting closer to my dream of being an academic
  4. I've lost about 30lbs in the past 2 months

Lets be negative:

  1. Last night I alienated most of my good friends
  2. I am increasingly aggressive
  3. I am increasingly hostile
  4. I am uncreasingly unfriendly
  5. I am not interested in going out with Claire
  6. I'm ugly and fat
  7. I am not reading enough
  8. I'm exhausted
  9. I'm in need of constant reviewal and revaluating my attitude
  10. I have made my life more difficult to live
  11. I'm lost
  12. I get bad memories

Monday, October 29, 2007

Life is surreal

Okay. I've told you about the girl who gave me her number. Let's call her Marie. Then there is another girl who has wanted to go out with me for a long time but never actually planned anything. Lets call her Claire.

Marie found out about my mental illness, and she also found out about the support group I run on the internet. Marie told me she also feels lonliness, fatigue and and sadness. Now she has opened up to me in a way I am not sure what to do. I feel I have to help her, I must do what I can to help her get through this difficulty. The irony is that she also hides behind a mask, like I do, in social interactions.

So Marie seems to have opened up to me. I have opened up to her. But does she want anything more from me? I don't know. I feel increasingly drawn to her, increasingly enamoured by her presence, her feelings, her interests, her attitude, her views...I wonder how she feels about me!

So while all this happens, Claire asks me out! I thought it is just coffee and a chat, then life is normal again; but she wants to go to the museum and see exhibits!! I'm not so sure about Claire; she's really imposing and touchy and calls me affectionate things, that's nice and all, but she doesn't have the gentility and sweetness that Marie does...

Marie is constantly in my thoughts, and I feel horrible that she is going through such difficulty. I wish I knew what to do for her.

On another note; I have not lost enough weight. I've lost some, but not as steep as the gradient I am used to. I'm not purging enough, it seems.

I have been feeling like shit, too, by the way. This whole ordeal with girls is complicating my already difficult life. Marie is so beautiful; she blows your mind. It is tragic she is in such pain.

My life sure feels like a soap opera! The bloggosphere is more fun with reality than it ever is with fiction.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Balancing the good with the bad

Good things this week:

  1. I have been making increasing contact with a girl who is very sweet; she said how she really enjoys talking to me; she says how we agree on a lot of things; she has listened to some music I recommended to her.
  2. People in my online support group tell me how amazing I am for creating the group; for caring about them, for looking out for them, for getting them all together for support.
  3. My confidence and anxiety around the opposite sex are easing
  4. I am apparently getting a reputation around students as an intellectual, maybe even a powerhouse.

Bad things this week:

  1. My supervisor told me off
  2. I missed a seminar
  3. A close friend criticises my behaviour regularly
  4. Another close friend is trying to gain credit for things I do and say
  5. The (aforementioned) girl is benig hit on, it seems, but lots of other guys, who are 18 years old, no baggage; emotional, physical, mental; more attractive, smart, funny, sociable, confident...I feel I don't have a chance
  6. I am having personality problems
  7. I have had a lot of bad dreams about the past; as if it haunts me in my dreams
  8. I cried in the chaplaincy today
  9. I am dying inside
  10. I am nothing
  11. I am a fraud
  12. I am a liar; I'm not who I appear to be in social contact; I hide much pain inside me.
  13. I am not reading enough

Why the doctors think I am crazy

1. I have never experienced a relationship

2. I am not like everyone else; partying, complete self disregard, sexual overtness.

3. I am apparently 'paranoid' because hospital staff abused me in the past. Apparently its irrational to fear people you trust breaking your trust, confidentiality, your spirit and your life. Its like being raped and calling ME the sicko.

4. I ask them questions about medicine and scientific method

5. I am overly 'theatrical' - apparently, if they abuse me and my response is to be PISSED OFF; I am 'hysterical' and inappropriate.

It seems the state can do what it wants and calls it justified. Thank you Thomas fucking Hobbes; you cunt.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sadness, regret...hope

My goodness!

I have had a pretty hectic couple of days! I got contact from a trust manager who is responsible for abusing me (well, her underlings did it). This is an ongoing thing, but whenever I come back to it, I am always distressed by the memories of what happened; the event-that-I-am-not-ready-to-speak-of.

Anyway; I got a phone call from the incompetent manager RIGHT before my seminar; but then, as I did, something happened. I realised the manager was a woman; my mood changed; and my whole appreciation of the seminar just dropped and I was filled with distress. I called her again later and was VERY angry. My voice changes, as does my personality, attitude, and to some extent, beliefs. I become a different person, in a sense. This feeling of being overwhelmed by anger sentiment was so much that I had to run to the chaplaincy and cry in the quiet room. I find it physically difficult to cry, so when the feelings are overwhelming, I get express a lot of hurt through my tears. There is a certain wonder in the sadness, a certain warmth. A certain sense of intimacy with myself; honest; sensitivity. When I cry, I am most human; most beautiful, most ugly, most me.

Tears make me pensive; more so than usual. Being a philosophy postgrad aside; I really examined myself in a strict and honest way. What happened in November 2006 is something I suppose I want to move on from. Something that has changed the scope of my life and now I must simply continue. From that point any improvement that happens, is, essentially, empty, irrelevant, immaterial. I feel I've already lost something very important. I am broken, damaged, hurt, reject, refuse.

I went to a discussion group for a student society later on in the day; after drying my tears a little. A friend noticed something was wrong; I felt so horrible I didn't even care that people found out. I wonder what it would be like to tell people about my real identity; my real life as 'conatus'. Where I feel despair, anguish, hatred, jealousy, regret, and perseverence; instead of the fake smug, happy, funny, offensive, jockular, empathetic, helpful and active person I make myself appear. I feel like there are two images of who I am; two disjunct, yet fundamentally identical elements that constitute me.

I found out there were too many people in the group, so, we had to split into two. Lo and behold, I was the one who (again) had to lead a group. I was fairly mixed between being competent and incompetent. I didn't want to run a discussion group and be a chair; having to control people from speaking too much or being too controlling and dogmatic. I don't want to talk about that; although running discussion groups seems to be something I have developed an increasing competence in; or, should I say, something in which I have increasingly been put into a role of.

As the discussion ended; I went around to talk with the people whom which I 'talked at', to my amazement, I found someone who I felt I could be somewhat philosophical about myself to. I was talking about the emotions, Socrates' question, and corollary to the latter; what I value (music, reason, trying to live). The girl eventually said she had to go, as it was getting late. As she left I felt she left a distinct impression on me. I felt a certain warmth from her sweetness, her sincerity, and the agreement we maintained together. Yes, we actually agreed on things! Maybe she's smart, or I'm good at arguing!

Some time later, she ran back to the room that we were in at the pub. She said she wanted to continue the conversation. Gasp! My heart nearly stopped, I tried to maintain my normal cool and calm appearance, but inside I was jumping and racing all over the place. Alarm bells went off: WHAT DO I DO!!!

I tried not to show my smile; a smile of embarrassment, of fear, of a sense of joy. She gave me her number, and I gave her a text to apologise for keeping her for so long. She then replied and said she hopes to continue our chat. I should be as pessimistic as possible in this instance. What is the least I can derive from this?

  1. She wants to talk again
  2. She may contact me again
  3. She has my number
  4. I may see her again
  5. She wants to talk more about the nature of the emotions; Socrates' question; and more pastoral matters

I should try and just forget about the whole incident. I mean, I feel tempted to think about her now! Thinking about her, and speculating, hoping, the eternal maybe always keeps coming to my mind. I must be ambivalent to my old wants, my perennial goals that I used to have. I am supposed to be a grad student. I should be reading all day and nothing more. I am empty, a philosopher; I am hardly a man.

Those few joys we have in life, the ones which are very finite; are what makes life wonderful. It is perhaps they are so few of those experiences, that we cherish them. I do not seek to live without the passions, but I do hope to have a better grasp of them. Spinoza teaches us to identify the genesis of that which affects us so as not to affect our other affects in relation to others. At the moment, I very much feel a slave of the passions, a slave to the thoughts and curiosities of this girl. I have no chance, and I never do. I should just carry on as normal, and if anything develops in this story, fair enough; but I shouldn't make it part of my plans. My plans are to sort out settling down back in uni, and then studying and studying some more, then I may in the distant future have the hope I once had as the boy I used to be; my boyhood dream to be a philosopher. I wanted very much to go this far. Now I have the chance. I should concentrate on THAT goal; as it is something very special to me. Whereas passions, on the other hand, are ever more fleeting.

To find control; such is the life of conatus, the life of striving.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

A better day

Last night I went to a party; it was nice. I knew a couple of people; although my friend who invited me (as a friend of a friend of the host that I was), was the main connection to everyone else as I didn't know many of the others.

As I checked my mails today; I found an interesting one. It is from a girl! Not just any girl; a girl who is nice to me! She called me 'sweetie' and suggested we meet up sometime for a chat. I'm kind of scared; I've only been on one date in my life (maybe I'll tell you about that later). I hope I don't puke in anxiety on any possible meet I have with a cute girl.

I'm scared, really scared; but ironically, the thing I fear is the thing I desire. We as people are really odd...

Anyhoo, I have 100 pages of metaphysics to read.


Saturday, October 6, 2007

New, but not 'fresh'

I'm a new student again. A postgraduate this time. I have been in this university for three years now; but in this next year; I begin anew. Things are going to be different this time. Things have to be different.

Let me tell you what happened this week:

Sunday: Homeless
Monday: Registration (homeless)
Tuesday: Found a potential flat (homeless)
Wednesday: Signed contract (last day of homelessness)
Thursday: Met my new colleagues and lecturers/tutors
Friday: I did some training, which I haven't done for the past year. I am exhausted.

This week I have been feeling:

  1. Anger - at the past
  2. Loss - of my lack of undergraduate 'craziness'
  3. Hope - for the future
  4. Strength (emotion)- to carry on
  5. Weakness (physical) - walking around makes me tired and sweaty
  6. Anxious - I want to make a good impression; I am also intimidated by some of the postgraduates, teaching staff, and demons from the past
  7. Scared (general) - There are lots of new people around and I want to make a good impression; I want to make new friends and start things right
  8. Nervous (pertaining to female contact) - There are lots of new people; and some of them are female! Females scare me, and I am scared and uncomfortable about talking to girls; my friends from college tell me about how contact with the scare-er sex is a mind game; I completely disagree with them; but I still feel uncertain and afraid to make a faux pas among female company. There are norms concerning the conduct with people of different social status; how to talk to elders, professionals, colleagues, family, casual relations, sexual partners, romantic attachments, children, pets, slaves and so on. I have not yet mastered the tacit premises that are entailed upon social contact. I wish I could just treat everyone in the same respectful manner. Referring to people as 'Sir', 'Miss', 'Father', 'Magister', 'Professor' and so on.
  9. Horny!! - I am a little perverted; but I must admit that there are a lot of attractive females about. I feel a conflict between my social inadequacy, and my raging sexual desire. I seem to displace conflicting or at least dissonant sentiments; the former, is a nervousness which causes me to purge, a sense of worthlessness and a sense of eagerness to be polite and respectful; the latter, by contrast, is a strong physical urge to do that thing that people to do make more people; and admire the wonderful feminine form. I am extremely aroused these days! Its good I know its still working after the Sertraline I've been on.

Things I can look forward to:

  1. Studying
  2. Having a better body (I am going to training again today)
  3. Looking better
  4. Feeling better
  5. Making new friends (I am going to a party today!)
  6. Having more confidence
  7. Getting closer to my dream
  8. Making new dreams
  9. Looking for a job
  10. Getting a driving license
  11. Maybe talking to more nice girls

Highlights of this week:

  1. Being recognised as a postgraduate by a couple of lecturers and the subsequent congratulations
  2. Being helpful to others new who are to the university
  3. Talking to a lovely girl who was scared of doing a philosophy degree; I gave her a bit of assurance and encouragement to be strong and persevere; she was kind of cute, too! (but maybe it is inappropriate to think that because I am too old?; furthermore, its kind of pervy and even rude to think of a pleasant and funny girl as a lovely and sweet person. I really don't know about how to think or feel about these issues!)
  4. Meeting old friends; who seemingly care about me - I do feel very much alone at times; so this aura of concern they put out is troubling to understand.
  5. I got some messages on facebook about the depression group I run. They were words of comfort and support; words of thanks that I created the group and brough so many people with depression together in the name of mutual support and comforting each other. I love all of the people in that group and I feel so sad for their calamity