New, but not 'fresh'

I'm a new student again. A postgraduate this time. I have been in this university for three years now; but in this next year; I begin anew. Things are going to be different this time. Things have to be different.

Let me tell you what happened this week:

Sunday: Homeless
Monday: Registration (homeless)
Tuesday: Found a potential flat (homeless)
Wednesday: Signed contract (last day of homelessness)
Thursday: Met my new colleagues and lecturers/tutors
Friday: I did some training, which I haven't done for the past year. I am exhausted.

This week I have been feeling:

1. Anger - at the past
2. Loss - of my lack of undergraduate 'craziness'
3. Hope - for the future
4. Strength (emotion)- to carry on
5. Weakness (physical) - walking around makes me tired and sweaty
6. Anxious - I want to make a good impression; I am also intimidated by some of the postgraduates, teaching staff, and demons from the past
7. Scared (general) - There are lots of new people around and I want to make a good impression; I want to make new friends and start things right
8. Nervous (pertaining to female contact) - There are lots of new people; and some of them are female! Females scare me, and I am scared and uncomfortable about talking to girls; my friends from college tell me about how contact with the scare-er sex is a mind game; I completely disagree with them; but I still feel uncertain and afraid to make a faux pas among female company. There are norms concerning the conduct with people of different social status; how to talk to elders, professionals, colleagues, family, casual relations, sexual partners, romantic attachments, children, pets, slaves and so on. I have not yet mastered the tacit premises that are entailed upon social contact. I wish I could just treat everyone in the same respectful manner. Referring to people as 'Sir', 'Miss', 'Father', 'Magister', 'Professor' and so on.
9. Horny!! - I am a little perverted; but I must admit that there are a lot of attractive females about. I feel a conflict between my social inadequacy, and my raging sexual desire. I seem to displace conflicting or at least dissonant sentiments; the former, is a nervousness which causes me to purge, a sense of worthlessness and a sense of eagerness to be polite and respectful; the latter, by contrast, is a strong physical urge to do that thing that people to do make more people; and admire the wonderful feminine form. I am extremely aroused these days! Its good I know its still working after the Sertraline I've been on.

Things I can look forward to:

1. Studying
2. Having a better body (I am going to training again today)
3. Looking better
4. Feeling better
5. Making new friends (I am going to a party today!)
6. Having more confidence
7. Getting closer to my dream
8. Making new dreams
9. Looking for a job
10. Getting a driving license
11. Maybe talking to more nice girls

Highlights of this week:

1. Being recognised as a postgraduate by a couple of lecturers and the subsequent congratulations
2. Being helpful to others new who are to the university
3. Talking to a lovely girl who was scared of doing a philosophy degree; I gave her a bit of assurance and encouragement to be strong and persevere; she was kind of cute, too! (but maybe it is inappropriate to think that because I am too old?; furthermore, its kind of pervy and even rude to think of a pleasant and funny girl as a lovely and sweet person. I really don't know about how to think or feel about these issues!)
4. Meeting old friends; who seemingly care about me - I do feel very much alone at times; so this aura of concern they put out is troubling to understand.
5. I got some messages on facebook about the depression group I run. They were words of comfort and support; words of thanks that I created the group and brough so many people with depression together in the name of mutual support and comforting each other. I love all of the people in that group and I feel so sad for their calamity