Thursday, March 31, 2011

Today I thought to myself: how should I frame the events of the week? I then thought I could either spend time thinking or just get out of bed. I got out of bed.

Sviatoslav Richter plays Scriabin Etude Op. 8 No. 11

I add this musical interlude to give a more pensive feel to my blog post. The early part of this week involved me feeling quite down. Yesterday felt like two, perhaps even three days happened at once. I went to work, as most days of work went which involved travelling, doing the shift, having a nice lunch and then making my way to the tube. This time I got an email informing me that a friend who planned a meetup last week but didn't reply until yesterday afternoon was still up for meeting. As I've mentioned that my job at Shambly Arena involves a certain amount of discretion, the rest of the day I suppose might involve some discretion as to disclose. What I am at liberty to disclose is that I got to see a whole lot of famous people, and one of my personal heroes, perhaps the personal idol of a great many people. I came upon the presence of a public figure who is comparable to say, Liz Taylor or Michael Jackson. That totally boosted my mood and everyone was in awe over this person. I had to wait with the paperazzi and many of them were professional level stalkers with their prepared autographs, cameras, phones and so forth. I decided to go home and I felt a growing state of fatigue after all the day of standing and walking taking a toll. I was almost prepared to go to the gym, but I thought I could leave it for another day.

Today my fatigue escaped mostly, I had an 'activity hangover' (I seem to add hangover as a suffix to anything these days) and these past couple of hours have involved catchup. I have been invited to an interview for another part time job, not ideal but something I guess. I've also RSVP'd to three different invitations, not to say that my social life is varied, but I have been invited to three different things. Now my sister is asking why I can't go to her mother's day thing. I need to 'make up' a reason other than saying 'I feel anxious at the awkwardness of mother's day' because our brother has some issue with our parents, and you have an issue with our dad that we aren't allowed to talk about.

I hate that my family find so easy to not talk about. I hate that my family refuses to talk about things and if I bring something up it's 'why is that relevant?' or I'm seen as antagonising . I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY SOME THINGS IN THE FAMILY ARE SO FUCKED UP AND WHY THEY REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT. Then they insinuate a threat to bring up my dirty laundry, as if that would keep me quiet, I am so ashamed of that event that such a strategy works. Ad hominem.

Except for writing that last paragraph I did actually feel a bit positive today. Now I am not sure.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

morning gym hangover ("Silence is not golden for me, its poisonous")

Good morning,

I thought I'd write a post because I have no one to talk to. Well, today is another day, I can choose to make of it what I will. I'm off to work in a few minutes for a 6 hour shift, then I'll head off probably to the gym. As I woke up today I distinctly felt a few sores around my body, most notably around my thighs (upper and lower sides) and around my knees. I did a bit of arm work yesterday and for some reason I found ab work especially painful. I normally aim these days to go for 2x sets of a 16x reps, but I barely managed 2x10 with many of the excercises although I did go further on the legs.

If I do go and train today I shall aim for a more relaxed session than yesterday. My first thought this morning was that I shouldn't go and train, but as I later proceeded with the morning ritual I reconsidered and deemed that I might be able to do a light cycle (that sounds like a tron reference, but it is not as cool). I put in some old new tracks into my MP3 player, which pumped me up a bit more yesterday. By the end of my 5k row, I wanted to just do some dips and pull ups without even vothering to count, I was so into my song. After the 5k row, I basically completed and exceeded my session's targets for a good workout, despite not doing so great on some of the machines.

My revelation yesterday (I probably didn't make it explicit) was that I feel deeply insecure about these new girls who are interested in me, because they like me, but they aren't judgmental. I feel that they should be judgmental and not being so is like how people pretend things didn't happen, like when the doctors pretend i dont have an eating problem, or when my family forgotten so easily my suicide attempt. Silence is not golden for me, its poisonous.

Speaking of eating problems, I had a binge last night. I know I know, it undermines my whole fitness effort.

I better get ready for work. Today is an uneventful day, maybe if I get home I'l finish my reading tasks.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Row on

Glenn Gould Bach Chromatic Fantasy BWV 903

I kind of made a bit of a revelation in counselling today, you know, the kind where you learn something about yourself. I am deeply insecure about my body, so much so that its affecting my chances with potential girl admirers. My feeling is that I'm not ready yet. I've always felt that way, like I'm incubating, or preparing for life to be ready. Something I felt, like being torn between two opposing yet similar forces, both are basically saying: you aren't good enough. I feel I'm not good enough, and I feel the world is telling me that, then there is the fact of the world telling me that I'm not good enough, viz. PFO letters.

Training was pretty good today, I did 5k on the rowing machine, I easily managed to do 60kcal burn in about >10mins as my 'warmup' without noticing that I already reached 50kcal (that's my target for warmups). I then worked on some arms, some legs, some more legs, a bit of chest, then abs (but not as much as usual) and back. I hardly work on back but I should, I found it especially difficult. I felt intimidated and inadequate in front of all the beautiful and unattainable women who were far more fit than me, they are probably thinking to themselves: look at that pathetic non-PhD, he's so fat and inadequate, the obesity reflects his inner shame. That's probably what they are thinking.

Mia is still deep inside me, she's not going to go away. I just row on, that's all I can do. Today I was thinking of my darkest feelings and thoughts as I was rowing, and it made me slow down. Then I thought to myself: speed up and don't slow down. Embrace these feelings and then keep going, keep rowing, power through. It was a troubling feeling, but it felt like my mind matched my body for a little bit. After thinking about these very hateful thoughts about myself in counselling, as I had a shower when I returned home, I saw a fat body in the mirror for the first time in weeks. When I think of my inadequacies, I'm reminded of how isolated I feel. Most of all how isolated I feel because of my body. Talking about what I did today does kind of assure me that I am being helped during counselling. My problem is that I'm fat, solution: modify diet and keep working out. There's a little part of me that's also saying that much of this is in my head, it's so little that I can ignore it and it would have to take someone else to fight that corner to argue that point to convince me. I need to be thin, I desperately need to be thin.

I remember when I used to purge in 2008, I used to tell myself: if you keep purging you'll get into a PhD. I didn't... Mia will say anything to convince me.

Perhaps today's workout was worthwhile, I am feeling tired at a relatively early time of 11:20. Perhaps the time is good to fall asleep.

I've not wanked tonight, I always wank at this time of night. Something must be wrong with me, I must be getting older and losing my sex drive, that's damn depressing. That said, I did masturbate twice today. I added some Glenn Gould because his Bach interpretation gives me such intellectual bliss. None of the three girls I've been in contact with truly understand the eminence of Gould. Perhaps I should dismiss all of them on that basis. But then, perhaps I'm being too picky. This was also discussed in counselling. I feel like i'm prattling on like a Jewish standup comedian.I should stop now and try to sleep. Probably that will not involve wanking, now I've gone all larry david as well...

Good night

Yes I know I've put up a lot of posts today.

I'm starting to feel a bit down. Well, more than a bit. In the past 2 days I've recieved 5 application rejections. One of the applications I sent off in the same day got rejected.

Why is this happening to me? Why is it so hard to just get a menial job that I'm overqualified for? Why can't I get a decent job, or even get into a PhD?

Life is sucking everything out of me. To live is to be worn down into nothing, where all your hopes and aspirations are grinded to nothing and then blown away like an unwanted film of dust. Everything has been subverted: mediocrity is leadership, laziness is bravery, courage is useless, bravuera is inadequate.

If I didn't have to go to counselling later, I'd just want to lay in bed right now.

New habits and old vices

There is a saying that it takes 3 weeks/21 days to internalise a new pattern. People at large are not very disposed to making big changes in their lives, especially the kind that takes a slow and gradual effect to really show change. Do I read because I get a reward from it, or is it intrinsically good?

I suppose in the past week I've seen little changes in my body, I also realise that I still have a lot of work to do, and not just that, I have a lot of calories to get out of my body. Excercise is important, perhaps in a sense it is the thing most people find hardest, most lazy people especially. For me, my laziness is in other things, particularly diet. Despite my increasing routine of excercise, I still have not made serious changes to my diet. Earlier this week my mum has made a nice breakfast suggestion of museli and yoghurt in the morning. I find it is quite good. If I were to keep up that breakfast pattern for longer perhaps it might show more effect. I find that the museli gives me a slow release of energy as well as keeping me filled for a longer period of time. This is compared to when I eat some junk, and then I still feel hungry, or when I eat but it doesn't fill me until I keep eating for 20 mins and then I feel like shit.

My diet needs to change, but I'm doing other good things. Yesterday was not a good day. I felt incredibly low and although I completed *some* tasks, I felt I did not give it my all. I did give what I could and I suppose one cannot ask more than that. I'm glad that I did choose to go to the gym yesterday, yesterday was the first time in perhaps weeks that I put that I had a trigger in my schedule. Some days are difficult. When I go to the gym later today I will make an effort to push myself hard, I will make an effort to do better on the cardio machines and try and beat the triathlon targets. I saw a person that I recognised in the gym, that was a little disconcerting. Why is it that there are so many people in social networking interest sites that are in such close proximity to me, I live in a shit hole where nothing goes on, I find that strange that any interesting person would live there. Maybe it's the cheap rent.

With luck, or with hope, I should get more calories out of my body today. I need to have my eyes on the prize. I need to be more target oriented. Its one thing to talk but words mean nothing without action. I feel like purging at the moment. If my mum wasn't downstairs I'd probably do it. Strange, I don't feel like fighting it either.

Anyway, back to work, I've got a few application things to do before I'm finished for today.

Monday, March 28, 2011

'good days and bad days'


I saw this on TV today as an advert. I'm really glad something like this is on TV. It validates how I'm feeling today, when the guy says he has 'good days and bad days'. Today isn't a good day for me. But that's okay. Today will end and another day will come. I went training today, which is good...

just ride the storm. At the moment I'm doing little tasks. I'm so used to feeling low I suppose its a manageable thing something I learn to deal with as I get older and more mature.

This morning, I woke up with despair, this afternoon...who knows?

Dear Diary,

My low feeling has gone from a 4/10 to a 2-3/10, which is nice. I can at least say today that I sorted out the money situation and I've been to the gym. That goes towards my one-in-three quota. I didn't push myself as hard today, perhaps it is my low feeling which let me down. I felt like I was running out of steam and I also realised that if I pushed myself more I would hardly have energy for the rest of the day.

So now, I'm off to have a shower. I do feel a little fatigued, but a lot of sweating earlier has pushed a bit of the negativity out of my system.

Now to get back on with my day. This morning, I woke up with despair, this afternoon...who knows?

From anxiety to action

This morning I did not feel well. Call it an extended hangover, a hangover afterbirth, an anxiety aftershock, or just plain feeling down. For a memorial, there was certainly a lot of booze, I didn't manage to go to see Nadia or Sadia on Saturday, one of them texted me saying she couldn't make it anyway. I was not anywhere near a tube station that evening anyway.

When Sunday came I felt a little under the weather, then there was the meet up with Dobby. I waited a bit longer than usual in the train station and then I did meet her. I felt anxious at first, then a little more calmed, then I felt a bit more myself by the time we went for ice cream. There was an amazing Russian Orthodox style choir just after the museum closed. It was an amazing place and we had a nice time, then we went for pizza. I can overlook how the waitress didn't get my order right. At least I had a varied experience in terms of flavours.

After food we walked to the station then parted ways, I didn't realise until I got back home how long the whole day actually took. I then realised this morning how fucked my bank balance is. I can't afford to have a life, it seems. Following the day's activities, I find myself overspending my good energy this weeken and now I feel a bit horrible. I feel better than I did an hour ago though, getting out of bed was hard enough then; now I am getting my gym stuff together since I'm going out to sort out my money anyway.

Despite all that goes on in life, with the unexpected and the new and the exciting, I still need to carry on the normal stuff, like shitting and sorting out bills. I'm having a hard time keeping it all together, but it seems, I haven't fallen apart just yet.

In the words of the power rangers, it's time to go "back to action!"

Saturday, March 26, 2011

catching my breath

Dear Diary,

Thinkgs are moving too fast emotionally, either that, or I'm feeling overwhelmed. In a single gesture, my mood has utterly transformed and my outlook on life. Wittgenstein once said: the difference between a happy and a sad man is not a difference in outlook but a difference in their world. I'm still debating to myself a great many different modalities for today. Do I:

  • Go straight home after the memorial service
  • Go to Camden after the memorial service (which has the following genii :)
  • Go to Camden after the memorial service and invite Nadia
  • Go to Camden after the memorial service and invite Dobby
  • Go somewhere else after the memorial service and invite Dobby
  • Go to Camden after the memorial service on my own and see if Sadia is there
It feels so much easier when I write it down, there are 7 modalities and perhaps a whole lot of other unforseen ones, such as if there is a car crash on the way and I don't do either of them.

Perhaps the time is not the best right now to even contemplate things. Its easy to think about the small stuff. Its terrible that the woman whose memorial I'm going to died so young. In a way I'll be glad to see the family and catch up. I'll be glad to be there and show that we are a big family and there's a lot of love for each other. The loss of a parent or a loved one is so inconceivable to me, I just dont know how to comprehend it.

Anyway I better pack my mp3 player. a complicated Guy Richie film plot

My weekend is going to be as complicated as the multiple plots and interests in a guy richie movie. I'm going to a 1 year anniversary for a family friend's death tomorrow afternoon, and then later in the evening I *might* go to a gig in camden. I was invited to a gig by one girl this week (lets call her Sadia), intimated to keep her company, another girl, mentioned in another previous post (lets call her Nadia) said we should hang out on saturday night. My crazy thought is that if I can get to camden after the anniversary, meet up with Nadia and then see a gig, we might have a nice time. Just a nice time, no kissing, no fucking, maybe some metalling and some human contact.

What if I bump into Sadia and then Naia at the same time? Would I look bad? In fairness, Sadia isn't looking at me like a potential sex partner or date, she's just a friendly metalhead I came to know. Then Nadia is interested in me explicitly sexually and as someone to hang out with, so, basically, a fuck buddy.

But then there is the absolutely sweet Dobby, who I've agreed to go out with on Sunday. Now, lets not get things blown out of proportion. Although I like doby and probably have some feelings for her, I dont think its a date date, its more like two people hanging out with non romantic or dating connotations (she's that kind of girl), which is fine. Nadia has not so much romantic intnetions but more just having fun, and she's really sweet and shy and welcoming. I bet she'll find her metalhead boyfriend in that camden pub tomorrow night, completely accidental to whatever I do. Then there is Sadia, who I dont think has sexual or romantic eyes on me at all, although she is in a rebound of a breakup and she's into long haired metal guys, and her fetlife profile is very ...inviting for another partner.

There's one question that's coming to my head: why the fuck am I doing all this? am I a cunt? I feel like a cunt, but maybe I'm not a cunt, maybe I'm a guy who is not in a relationship with anyone so I can hang out with any girl I want, it's not like iv'e fucked anyone in the past year, or kissed anyone, or been on a date that didn't go to a kiss or a second date. Maybe I'm collecting my dues, i'm a nice guy, and they seem to think I'm a nice guy. I'm a nice guy who wants to go to a metal gig on saturday night to just wind down and then go to the british museum with a friend I respect.

In the back of my mind I am thinking of how hot they all are, and I'm dancing a little jig.

Oh, why, oh why did I have to cut my fucking hair today!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

"...and I had a reason to be optimistic because I'm moving forward ..."

Good evening,

Today I did a couple of things that I've been meaning to do for some time. When I feel a strong desire to do something, often I am stuck with that desire and it lingers in my mind until I make a decision about it. Either that means that I do it (and the desire, and that phenomenon of being gripped by the thought goes away), or I ignore it or don't do it, in both cases, that feeling of being 'gripped' by the desire does not go away. That's how I feel when I want to purge, or when I want to binge, it sticks, until I act on it.

So today, I did two things I've said I wanted to do but didn't schedule: I got a hair guy and I then looked for a jacket at uniqlo. I saw a few nice jackets at uniqlo but the sizes were way too small (when XL is too small for you, there is a problem), I blame it on their 'japanese' sizings. I bought a new t-shirt and a hoody from uniqlo. The t-shirt is a 'cooling' shirt, the opposite of the 'heating' shirt that I currently wear, there's almost no difference between them except maybe the price. The 'heat-tech' thermal shirts are very cheap although the new 'cooling' shirt is just a bit more. I bet there is no difference between the two, but I do find it interesting that I now have a shirt that is explicitly designed for the weather. It does look exactly the same. While I am not the hoody wearing type of person, I do like having something light to wear in these warm months, and something light for when I'm walking to the gym.

I thought that since I was outside today I would venture off to the Gym. The trainer said to me that I should aim for 3 sessions a week, and a fourth would be a bonus. So, today was my bonus. I thought that anything I do today would be basically a bonus and not part of the core of my training, that said it was far from relaxed. I started off with the treadmill and aiming for 50kcal, it was surprisingly easy considering that most of the days over the past 3 weeks I've found the 50kcal target overwhelming. I went up to 57kcal and went on to some upper arm work, then some abs and leg work. After my abs were killing me I felt that I was running out of steam. I realised at that point that it would be a shorter session than usual. However, I decided to do one more excercise.

At the gym there is this 'competition' board for certain reaching certain targets on the tradmill, cycle machine and rowing machine. Basically its a triathlon excercise with three different tiers/leagues. As I looked at it I saw how easy the rowing machine excercise was, the Triathlon targets don't ask for very much in terms of rowing distances, for jogging and the cycle machine however, they ask for a pretty serious distance. I thought that I would venture to complete the entire length for the 'running' targets, they said that the crosstrainers would count towards the triathlon challenge I worked the equivalent distance , so I worked on this lower body machine (not exactly a cross trainer) and got myself to 5km. I have to admit it was pretty damned hard. For 'one more excercise' it basically took 2/3rds of my workout. The initial warmup/resistance work was 30 or so minutes, and then the triathlon challenge took about 50 minutes. On the plus side I did get to catch up on my podcasts about Plato. I think that the next time I do a cardio endurance workout I am going to bring an audiobook with me. I'll get through some chapters quickly while I push the calories out of my pores.

In the process of doing 5km, I realised that I was quite tired and I couldn't be bothered to finish off at the sauna, so I just made my way home. I am quite glad that my cardiovascular fitness is improving, I'm patient with the work on my upper body and resistance training. I am in agony when I work on my abs, but there was a point when I realised that the pain was worthwhile. I was listening to an anime theme tune that I've not listened to since 2004 and I had this feeling of hope and optimism, similar to when I was 18, the association with 2004 gave me a feeling of great optimism. I remembered how it felt, and I had a reason to be optimistic because I'm moving forward with my excercise.

So now I' home I'm a little bit tired. If I just stay awake for a few more hours, I can properly sleep until tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

'I'm still haunted by the days of 2009...'

Hello again,

Yes I'm posting multiple posts in a day, that's a sign of laziness and inactivity. I'm also frustrated at how incredibly slow my internet browser is right now that a 5 minute task would take 40 minutes. I've recieved at short notice an available shift for tonight, so that means I'm working tonight from 1800-2300, which is nice. After taking on this job, I decided to enter it into my schedule and plot a course for today, my new plan is to get ready at around 4pm, maybe leave from 4:30 (to attempt to beat the crowd) and then get to work probably by 17:40, maybe then I'll catch up with my book.

Presuming this shift is not too busy, I am going to get my book and do some reading, so that's a book review reading task and an impromtu shift tonight. That's multitasking and innovation. I just wish my 'innovation' involved more money. Taking this shift is more out of desparation, I'm not getting much money next month I'm sure of that so that means that the money I get next month needs to last.

It also seems, as I just finished the previous paragraph, that I've finished another audiobook (yay). I've been very slow with audiobooks lately. I'm quite glad I didn't decide to gym it today. I do also wish that I did a bit more today. I'm being a bit picky with the jobs I scheduled to myself. I almost never get a callback from the admin jobs I apply to at HE institutions so I am not bothering today, I've made a few job searches but have I done enough today?

I always ask myself this question: Have I done enough today to justify my existence? Have I done enough today to make a change that might happen to improve my life. Gym helps, applying to jobs also helps. I'm still haunted by the days of 2009 when I'd just sit around in a flat, moping and wanking and doing virtually nothing. I still feel like I'm doing that. Dobby says I'm 'defeatist', she's more right than she knows.

I could be a little more proactive if my computer wasn't so slow. I could afford a new computer if I had a decent job. I need to get a decent job by shooting off a higher volume of applications. 'You know what to do, man', I tell myself, 'words are bullshit, action counts'. Yes, says the man of few spoken words.

I'm at the crossroads between nice guy-ery and bastardry

Good morning,

I think its annoying when people use excalmation marks too much in their sentences, normally it is a way to convey some kind of humour or sarcasm among the British. Also, it tries to convey a sense of excitement and exuberance. Well, fuck them. I don't know why I felt the need to say that.

Counselling was odd yesterday, the counsellor asked me to talk about my family. I told her it was a tired cliche to ask about my family, as if there is some kind of dark secret I'm holding or hidden history of child sexual abuse. Why is that the example I always think of: some uncle raping me, in fact, my uncles are lovely people. My dad and mum don't have sisters so I don't have 'aunts' except for their spouses. I weanted to talk about how these girls are making me feel anxious and how I am in a new emotional situation dealing with the opposite sex and flirting, and she asks me about my family. Maybe she thinks I keep bringing up the same issues, which is fair. My counsellor is very cute, I find it difficult to look her in the eyes for that reason, I try to look at her nose instead, it looks like I'm looking here at the eyes that way.

The weather is lovely and bright today. It reminds me of the happiness that people (and myself) feels during the warmer days. It reminds me of how things are so much more casual during the summer, people wear more casual clothes and school finishes early, the summer reminds people of holidays and holidays means a holiday mindset. I suppose you could say that I'm working on my summer body.

No one is in the house at the moment so as I got up I looked in the mirror at my body, I see small changes. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say; so changes sudden must happen gradual. I do believe that the gym is getting me a better body, I could do the warmup excercise with a lesser amount of strain, I did reach failure 'early' during training, but perhaps thats a combination of higher weights + less rest time and working out the day before. I'm starting to get used to the gym, although that said, the pain doesn't stop. I really blasted my abs yesterday, so much so that I could barely move them after I finished my crunches. I think that's a good sign. Those abs are dgoing to experience a whole lot of pain before things get good.

So I'm thinking about asking dobby out, and I'm also thinking about meeting up with the 19 year old. One's a recipe for destruction and possible sex, the other is an oppurtunity to share with a person that I really like and whose company I enjoy a great deal. I'm at the crossroads between nice guy-ery and bastardry.

Lets get on with the day, many tasks ahead. If I'm good I might go to the gym.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Excercise keeps me honest, and girls tempt me to be an arsehole.

Good afternoon,

I've kept busy today (yay), I've shot off two applications, did a bit of job searching, and I'm going to counselling later and then training afterward. I like training on tuesday because I get to see my neighbours in the sports court downstairs. So, that sounds like 5 things today. I love it when a plan comes together. Yesterday I went to the opthalmologists and then the gym, after getting home I felt too tired to bother with anything, however, some odd things did happen. I got an add request from a girl I saw on that I recognised from somewhere else on the internets who I messaged once about taste in music. She basically invited me to a gig if I'm available, I do want to see more gigs and she said I'm free to tag along, which is nice of her.

Then another thing happened, this girl who I used to message on OKCupid starting chatting with me again, and partly due to her initiative (and largely due to my flirting), we started having a sexual conversation, as well as considered some potential ideas for dates. I definately need to go out with this girl, and were it not for the fact that I can't take a girl home, I would fuck her any time I physically can. I'm sorry to be so crude. It's been a long  time since a girl has seen me as a sexual being and well, it's a very long time since a girl has reciprocated my sexual feelings. This girl is 19, a gothic/metalhead type (so is the other girl) and I think she's into me mainly for 'the hair'. I'm a bit disappointed by that, I do wish that people could see me as the person, but apparently I'm too complicated a person to be understood.

People like their 2d characterisations, be a macho guy, the intellectual type (but not too clever to challenge them), the 'sensitive' type and then the sexual body that pairs with it. Maybe my gym karma is getting me better chances. All the same, right now the most important thing in my life is gravity (sorry, arnie line) sorting out a better job than I have (=more money) and better body (realised through increasingly tough resistance training and cardio). While its a stretch to say that I'm nonplussed about my increased female attention, I am a little bit pleased that 'I've still got it' with a few girls.

Apparently, I can still be charming and sexy with soem women, while maintaining my horrid personality of being preoccupied with reading and data entry. I guess the experience from last night has led me to conclude that I don't really know who I am.

It doesn't matter, in 20 mins I'll be off to counselling, and then after I'll need to pump some iron and fuck some shit up with my heart rate. Excercise keeps me honest, and girls tempt me to be an arsehole.

Monday, March 21, 2011

4/10 on life

Good morning,

I think on a scale of 0-10 it was a 4/10 difficulty with getting out of bed today. Most days are 2-3/10. A slight and small difference, and what really matters is that I'm upright, but I do feel a bit low today.

I realised last week that I'd be busy, in fact it was only 3 days of real activity. However that seemed to have thrown me off. I did my minimum of 3 sessions last week. Today I'm off to a hospital appointment, I dread this appointment very much. I'm going off to Old Street today, I went for a Christmas do at Old Street, and an interview for a job that never was, I suppose you could say I've gravitated around there a few times these past few months. Actually, I think I can leave 2010 behind me now. The years and months and weeks pass quickly, and life passes by like an water tap you forgot was on.

Yesterday, and saturday I have been lazy (shall we add friday too?). Friday involved training, which wasn't entirely lazy, but in terms of schedule I wish I did more. I did however clear up a lot of items on my GReader. I think reading articles on GReader is an almost pointless task, and it filled up an unnecessary amount of time (2 days) for something that only fills up again. I should set a minimum amount, or only a schedule couple of days to sort that out. Maybe it should be weekend only, and if I happen to finish it before then I can put in more tasks. I suppose one positive is that I did complete an online test for a grad scheme that I applied to.

Life and productivity is a learning process. I've added another rule to this odd set of rituals. I know this is a tired old thing to say but I hate that I cannot be allowed to succeed in this world. I hate that the circumstances aren't allowing me to show me at my best. I hate that I cant do life in the highest gear and everyone else is speeding away while I'm left behind (extended virgilian simile). I guess the point of my schedule is to rise above in some way and try to push the limits. The analogy is with the gym: if I can push myself beyond regular limits with my body, perhaps I can push my mind and achievements. That said, I once learned in life that its not about how smart you are or how hard you work, its about how charismatic you are.

Oh how tempting it is to purge. I'd say its a 4/10 temptation right now.

Oh, in other news, I have thought about asking Dobby out. I dont know if its a 'date', maybe its just 'hanging out'. See how it goes. Dobby seems nice, and we are getting 'closer' you might say. Dobby has made me feel a little more positive and jovial lately.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Ritual is better than nothing

Often my dad, or I often hear other people make the comparison of 'better than nothing'. If something is flawed in some way, we might appraise the good bits of it by saying it's better than nothing. I find often that this is not the best comparison. If we are comparing a successor to a predecessor, the latter is the relevant point of comparison. If we are taking something entirely new, then I suppose 'nothing' is the relevant comparison.

I've not been too productive lately. I think this is fair to say. On balance this week was filled with two days of working, one (final) day of interning, and three sessions of gym training. I have half the mind to go today. Dobby asked me out today, I sorta cut our conversation short yesterday so I couldn't conclude that we'd go out today. I guess that means we aren't going out today. I kind of like her, but I'm also scared of liking her. That's me being a pussy because I'm scared of success.

I guess I'm too used to failure. I know failure so well that success is unfamiliar, and I'm scared of the unfamiliar. Today is a lovely and sunny day, its the kind of day that a person should seize and take as their own. I'm slightly thinking whether to gym it today. It would be desirable and it would hit my target of a 4th workout this week. On the other hand I surely have other things to complete this week. For the following week, and probably the following month, I'm not going to have much work going on. As such I should probably get on with the important stuff of job applications.

So far I've read like a few dozen GReader articles on my RSS feed. I'm probably about half way there but there is still a whole lot more to go. It's a bit of a grind and almost a pointless excercise as well. I wonder why I apply myself to such tedium in my life. I guess its more productive than playing xbox all day and night, which is partly what I want to do.

I seem to be a reading machine, I wish I was a success machine, or a calorie machine (the good kind). I've noticed, objectively speaking, that my health and fitness has gone up a few bars. I still have a lot more work to do. That seems to be my mantra lately: I still have a lot more work to do. That was my mantra last night. I guess that since I have a set of tasks that are lined up before it means I am not uncertain what to busy myself with.

Back to ritual, I guess...

lazy days

Good morning, oh wait it's afternoon...

I got up early, I really can't complain. That said, I have mainly spent the day reading articles on google reader. You could say that this is my way of procrastinating/warming down/catching up on the world. According to my 'schedule', I've kept 'busy', but really I've not actually achieved anything. I kind of feel like this:

(Thanks, XKCD)
I've read like 150 articles since thursday. I got a fair few to go yet. Then I'll do applications. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

I was supposed to go on a date today. I think we are both a bit flakey, or shy.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

To gym or not to gym? (another of these posts...)

I have written this same post probably twice now but this is very poignant in my thoughts at the moment.

I'm trying to decide whether to gym it today or not. Reasons for:

  • I have a belly, as long as I can still stand and as long as I still have a belly, I must work out
  • I have a newfound sense of motivation and the only way to feed motivation is to do that thing I want
  • It makes me feel great to work out
  • If I work out today, that will be my third session of the week, making tomorrow my fourth session and I will have hit my target for the day
Reasons against:

  • By the time it comes Thursday late afternoon (when I get home from the office), I will have worked three days in a row, one of those days involved a 5am start.
  • I'm a bit tired
  • Its important to pace myself
  • I have a personal trainer session tomorrow, if I go in on an empty tank I'm not really showing myself. The point of the (final) session tomorrow is to show the difference between when I started gyming it and now, whether my arms are bigger or my belly is smaller etc. They will also test my cardiovascular fitness, which in turn I need to preserve for tomorrow to give a representative sample of my best performance. 
  • I've got lots of stuff to catch up with, and its not the kind of thing I can do later.

The verdict? Well I probably will really decide when I finish work. I am edging towards the 'no' camp. The reasons against are convincing, but the sense in my head of wanting to really push myself is strong.

Gut-busted (sober silence in the morning)

Good morning.

When waking up at 7:30 and getting up at 8 is 'late' and a lay-in, I think I'm on the right track of things. Today is my last day in the intern office. I'm almost thinking nothing of it. It's almost routine, but it's not routine, its the last day. I'm personally quite glad that I'm going. Actually, the main thing on my thoughts is how tired I feel. I've done two days of work, two consecutive days of gym over the past three days and the constant activity is showing its toll on me. However, the fact that I'm still upright and I'm able to do things is also a sign of that activity in that its a sign that my energy overall is much higher and my endurance is stronger.

On Wednesday evening my internet connection was fucked again, so I had to keep silent. I missed an appointment of counselling, for which I'm very pissed at myself for. I texted and left a phone message to the counsellor apologising and explaining. I fucked it. It was out of my control. Lots of my counselling appointments are about things out of my control. Anyway enough about that. I cant remember how much I ate yesterday. I bought a burrito at this nice place outside work yesterday, I have mixed feelings about it. It was nice after a first few bites and then nasty  in the middle but come the end of the burrito I did feel that it really hit the spot in terms of filling me up and busting my gut. What a strange experience, it's like an opposite girlfriend.

So, three days have passed (or is it two?): I've worked for two days, trained for another two. Today I'm at the office for the final time, and perhaps I might train. I'm not sure if I will go training today or if I'll just rest it up, or catch up on some stuff that I've had set for myself.

Lately I've started thinking about Dobby. I think I am (predictably) starting to fancy her. Here are some reasons why I think I fancy her:

  • She's a girl (yes I'm a stupid guy)
  • She's showing interest in me as a person when no one else is (ugh, this is so predictable isn't it)
  • She makes me feel like I can be me around her, and not what people want me to be
  • She's opened up to me
  • More importantly, she makes me feel like I want to open up to her
  • I feel so comfortable with her I tell her about my dark stuff, my kinky inner desires and thoughts, and my stupid guy like of action movies
  • She works in ICT and is a real person, not a figment of my imagination trying to tell me to purge that embodies my negative ideals of women, or a woman on a computer screen who I am fixatedly masturbating over, or an unattainable pedestal woman who will ultimately reject me.
Maybe she's so special I don't want to ruin it, with my feelings.

I was listening to a Documentary earlier this week: I think it was called 'Sit with me: An anatomy of Depression' from ABC national radio (that's australian), it told a story of a man living with serious depression. It was so raw and genuine, and I saw myself in it, but I also so a real man, a man who lived in vulnerability and suffered. I saw the story of a man who lived through 'Juno's unforgettable anger' (Virgil reference? Didn't get it? Really? just me then). When the man said that he was scared that he'd never have kids or find a wife, I guess I could relate to that. When you feel so hopeless it consumes you and you are disabled by inaction. I feel terribly sorry for that poor soul. It makes me want to push on, it makes me need to push on. I know that feeling and that demon inside me is never too far away. As such I really must push on and fight.

So, that's a diary of my thoughts and activities over the past few days. I guess not having counselling, or a friend to talk to about this stuff makes you a replacement for them. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. That's why I need to keep pushing.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Considering that I am addressing brute despair [...] I'm actually quite chipper for despair (indie playlist in the morning)

Good Afternoon,

Today feels like a lazy sunday, but on balance, I dont' think this week was especially lazy; uneventful, maybe but not lazy. If I weren't feeling still a bit ill I would definately go out to the gym today. - Look at me pretending I'm still ill. I have a bit of a sniffle and a bit of a cough but that's nothing really. A larger reason why I'm not gymming it today is more because I need to get some applications finished. I've got three 'work' days this coming week in which I can do some training on the way home, so I think the gym is fairly sorted there.

At the moment I'm filling in an online application form, it looks identical to the online application form I did yesterday. It's the same bloody software system they are using but for some reason I have to enter it in twice. I hate applying for jobs, if I'm honest thats why I haven't applied for many lately. My mum is making a sunday roast, and I might fit in a couple of Jason Statham movies today. After my internet connection was fixed I find a strange satisfaction to a semi functional laptop. It's better than a quarter functional laptop.

Considering that I am addressing brute despair with a certain emotional coldness, I'm actually quite chipper for despair. Let's get enough done today and maybe something good will come.

Onwards with the day!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

and I'm the quiet one

Right now I feel that I've done enough tasks to fit a day in. Considering that I'm not well today and considering that I'm having issues with the phone line. I've sent off an application, did some job searches and basically caught up with the day. Granted that my room is still in a mess and I haven't shaved today, I think I've achieved a fair amount today.

I feel like writing a blog post now, maybe I could tell an anecdotal story about the past where some moral lesson or introspective discovery comes into the fore, or maybe I could tell a fictional story. Maybe I could tell a story about the distant future.

I need to face something really clear.I'm in a very bad situation. I need to get a proper job that pays well, I desperately need to get back on the ladder of life and advance myself. It seems none of that wants to happen for me. I find it exceptionally aggrivating. Am I doing something wrong? Life isn't so straightforward. You do all the 'right' things like read a lot, learn a lot, develop extracurricular skills and apparently you end up being isolated and eccentric and people cannot understand you because you have developed into something so distant.

Yet if you slack a bit and only care about pleasure you seem to have the aspirations and sympathies of the masses on your side. At the moment I feel like I want to finish the day, just wank or browse the net doing essentially nothing. Alternatively I could toil a little more even though I feel I've passed my point of efficiency. I've passed my fourth workout and there's no point in overdoing it.

In a way that's the issue I've found at conflict between myself and the world. When people ask 'why do you have to do so much?', I am exasperated at such questioning. I am exasperated at their laziness, their sloth and their inability to understand the fundamentality of self improvement. Have we learned nothing from Aeneas and Achilles? We must be like Odysseus in mind and Aeneas in spirit; Achilles in battle and Hector in Magnanimity.

I'm reminded painfully of my alumnus from university. I see them or hear about them on the university website, or I see them on TV, or read about them in Print Media. That's really scary, they are all in diverse yet influential parts of society and here I am using a 3-4 year old computer that's breaking apart and held together mostly by cum and hope.

I feel like some underachieving male schmo from a Judd Apatow movie, I feel like Seth Rogen who has a slight artistic and intellectual sensibility mixed with lowbrow dick jokes and a self hatred probably stemming from the frustration of a lack of social mobility and the impossibility of advancement.

And I'm now known as the quiet one. I laugh at that.

To gym or not to gym?

I'm actually quite surprised and impressed at the way I sorted out my internet connection. Admittedly the phone line at home is still dead, but I'm on here now making blog posts. This week I've had a few moments of upset. I was really close to purging but I didn't, then my throat got all fucked up and reminded me of why I must never start purging again. I'm quite under the weather today.

I've cancelled the personal trainer session today because I'm ill, the manager on the desk was happy with cancelling so there's no problem. At the moment I'm facebook messaging people to get some numbers on my phone back. I think a positive thing to say about this week is that I went to the gym 4 times this week. Admittedly, I must say that the session on Tuesday and Friday weren't 100% effort, yesterday because I started to fall ill and tuesday because I  went in with only a half tank empty (then I went to talk to my neighbours). Thursday I wasn't feeling 100% either at the gym perhaps more because I came back from work and did a lot of walking.

The lesson of this week is not to go all out with the gym. I mean, I should, but not constantly. I ran out of steam far too quickly after about 20 minutes. I need to have some good energy when I'm in the gym. I also got my glasses tightened yesterday after the gym. I've meant to do that for some time now. No charge either, good old specsavers. So what is the plan for today? I think I'll try to recover, in addition I might also attempt to complete some of the little tasks I've set myself. I don't know if I can do the big stuff today, however. My internet connection is sketchy at best.

I remember my old counsellor once said that its okay to have off days, everyone does. As such, its okay to only to a little bit or however much you can given the limitations of that day. I just hope I'm better before I go to work on tuesday. It looks like there aren't many shifts next month. That's not good. Shifts = money and I am short on the latter. I might (and I dread saying this) have to contact the JCP if I'm making too little. I hated unemployment, it left a scar that will never go away. Some of my friends after college were unemployed for a while and I really respect them for turning it around and getting out of it. I think many people never expected someone like me who never dropped out of school or college but consistently had fairly good grades to fuck it up.

The irony is that many of my friends who were 'mediocre' or average back in those days are now the ones who are successful. The guy who got  CCDE grades in AS levels is doing an astrophysics PhD, and the guys who were forced to do retakes in the second year of college ended up in managerial positions by the age of 23 in world recognised companies.

I fucked up.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I will be succinct

I will be succinct.

  1. My internet connection is sketchy, to put a long story short my phone line is dead
  2. I'm ill at the moment, it started as a throat thing and now my head feels off, I think I'm coming down with something
  3. Today has been long, I've trained 4 times this week and I have a personal trainer session tomorrow morning. Will I be fit enough to go? I do feel a little better, but I'll have to see
I find it amusing that all these offset things that have happened I've basically planned contingencies for. I even have emergency porn (don't ask)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

An admission

Yesterday was international women's day, and I was having a conversation yesterday informing someone of that fact, and then I also mentioned that it was pancake day. My friend commented how superficial these days seemed to be, I agreed and thought of a joke of posing if there was some other ephemeral kind of day to celebrate (world day of apples?), then I thought a little harder. International women's day is 100 years old. Think about how it was for women 100 years ago, think about how much women (and men fighting for their cause) have won in the fight for equality, and then how much more there is to fight. Almost all of my bosses after my time at university have been women, which is an amazing fact. I'm no feminist, but I am interested in the notion of what further issues there are on the frontier of equality for women, and it seems that women have indeed a big fight.

I also admit that I am and have been and probably will be in the future a faux pas perverted and objectifying male pig. That is of course, in my own thoughts and dirty as they are I would like to think that my porno and wanking habit does not affect my relationships professionally and personal with treating women with respect. My mum's a woman, and so is my sister and I love them both. That's probably a weird thing to say after what I mentioned just before. Ugh, I should really change the order of what I want to say. Anyway, what I'm saying I guess is I am a sexualised male and I grew up with sky tv, internet porn, overly arousing MTV music videos and spent my later teens with convent schoolgirls who played innocent because it was sexy. I don't blame the media myself,  but I do for how it affects other people at least in terms of influence (I don't want to deny people their sense of freewill or volition).

Why am I saying this? Well, I guess after seeing that video with James Bond dressed as a woman I thought how sexy he was, and also how his sleazy character is engaging in a mea culpa of sorts. I thought I'd admit mine. I was on google reader just earlier and all my blogs were putting out posts on feminism and world women's day, and then just beneath it I have a feed from a glamour model and some nudey stuff about celebrities. I am a hypocrite. I'm also a hypocrite about fitness, my actions are betrayed by my eating patterns.

Ah, that feels really good to say that.

On with my day (fuck, its already 1pm)

We Are Equals

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

entirely planned

Good morning,

Would you believe it if I said that I had a relatively early start? Although and early start, it was a slow one. I had a lay- in while listening to the Halo audiobook. Following, I had a nice little wank and then got on with the regular ritual of shaving (ugh I hate shaving) and brushing one's teeth, the hygiene box ticked then led to a heavy breakfast. I think that I should have no illusions about food if I've got a busy day. I need the fuel.

The plan of the day? Something like this:

  • Get dressed for work
  • Get gym bag ready?
  • Go to work
  • Prepare mp3 player?
  • Work
  • earn a pittance
  • go to counselling
  • go to train
  • go home
  • once home, log walking distances
  • once home, make blog of observations during day
What i find particular to days like these, are that they are entirely planned . There's something comforting about that.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I do need to think about the deep stuff more (maybe I'll shedule it)

When I was around 17 I had so many 'certainties' about life. Among other things, one of the certainties or beliefs I had was that in the future some future version of me would be all heroic and special. This future version of me would be just like me in the present (of 2003-4) but loads better, maybe smarter, well read, better social skills and reaching wherever he aspired to.

Perhaps in some twist of fate, I'm nearly on that track of what expectation I used to have, in many other ways I definately am not that person. My adult life has basically consisted of deconstructing (yes in the Derrida sense *sigh*), destroying and reconstructing those assumptions to make some kind of life I can life. Whether I have become that person or not, or will come close to it is entirely accidental. Who I was back then doesn't have as much a conscious impact on me as it did say in 2004-5.

The context of hindsight makes things look smaller than they are. I suppose because so much more has happened since then. Since my last post I've been working on what I call 'playlisting', that is a task of constructing a new playlist after I've finished my old playlist. This previous playlist that recently I completed was made just after xmas and lasted just over 2 months. The playlist I made before then began in May, and then I made a couple of 'supplemental' playlists around September/October I think. This playlist which I am presently creating is shorter than previous lists, perhaps because my rate of consumption is becoming so massive I dont have enough time to accure a huge playlist, which I suppose is a good thing. Its a sign that I'm listening to a massive amount of music. The next playlist consists of:

  • Indie/alternative
  • Pop
  • Various genres of heavy metal
  • A bit of black metal
  • A lot of Depressive and Suicidal Black Metal
  • Some Wagner Operi/operas (is that the plural of opera?)
  • A lot of Renaissance period music
  • A bit of Jazz
  • A bit of Gothic/ebm/futurepop
  • A significant amount of Dubstep, this is a new genre to me. Being a londoner I should by birthright know what this is about.
Is that diverse? Well, I'd say its oddly specific in certain areas (like being heavy on the renaissance period secular music), but music reflects a person, and I like listening to music which doesn't necessarily reflect me. I guess that shows that I'm an open minded person. I'm keeping pretty busy with playlisting at the moment, and I do feel increasingly tired. I've recieved a new SIM Card and I have put it in my trusty old phone (I'm glad I didn't throw it away).

I'm not sure if I'll go and train tomorrow, I'm pretty tired tonight and I did give myself a good ride today. I also have pretty bad callouses on my palms (perhaps from the rowing machine or the inverse V lat handle). Keeping records as stringently as I do helps me notice changes. My average walking distance per week is between 12-14 miles; my weight has averaged 229lbs the month passed and I've already talked about that 50kcal warmup thing on the treadmill.

Why am I mentioning this droll shit on my diary-blog? Perhaps because I don't have anyone to talk to lately. I have one friend I chat to but normally it involves cock jokes and risque slurs about people. I only really talk to Dobby these days. I've been chatting online to this one girl who seems really nice, a final year social sciences undergrad, but I don't think that spending an hour to read her finals essay (although it was fascinating in the fieldwork and her theoretical suggestions) counts as flirting. Perhaps I've done too much today to properly think about the deep stuff. But I do need to think about the deep stuff more (maybe I'll shedule it).


Has anyone noticed how I've undertaken the stylistic feature of using my last sentence to name the post? I am breaking the fourth wall writing this. Im a meta meta writer. Maybe saying that makes me a meta meta meta writer. I have a headache.

Time to get my thumb out of my arse and get on

Good evening,

Whatever I said in the morning that was negative should be invalidated by what I say now. Today has been a pretty good day. I've sent off three job applications, did a bit of a job search, watched a few programmes and I went training. The training session today was about 90-100 minutes long. Here I was thinking that I'd finish after an hour.

The real coup de grace (is that a term? I'll use it anyway) was on the rowing machine. I saw that the pull/chin up bar was occupied so I decided to venture to some cardio. I didn't focus on much of the ab excercises today (I quickly got tired when I started them) so I lightly went around doing some of the upper body, I used one of the leg curls and then I ended up on the rower. I thought I would do something longer than my usual 2000m so I decided to go for 10,000m, that's 10 clicks.

After I did the first 2000m I realised that I expended about 100kcal, I then started doing the math and predicted it would be about 500kcal for this 10km workout. I was excited at the prospect. There were aspects of the workout which were a little monotonous. I started getting emotionally involved while watching 'Come Dine with Me' and 'Coach Trip' on Channel 4. I shouldn't really say this but I saw an alumni in one of the programs I saw on TV today. I find it odd where my alumnus end up. Many of the people in grad school are RE teachers now, some are PhDs, one of them is in Oxford as a postdoc now. Two of them work in higher positions than me (well anything is higher than an intern) in the same industry and one of them has probably met a very important politician.

But I digress, I thought about a lot of shit and I was amused by the facade created by these people. One of the chicks in come dine with me was really cute, lets not beat about the bush: pretty ladies make me work out harder. I want to be a pretty boy, and thus find validation in a way that my intellect can never provide (unfortunately). I forgot to mention that my initial workout when I started consisted of a 60kcal run at 8.7 mph. Last week I could manage about 40 and then I quit, the session previous to current I managed 50, and then 55 but at a real push. Today I managed 60, I'm quite proud of that. Extreme cardiovascular is very good for a warmup (so the trainer says) and the better I am at that intensive excercise, the happier I am about my fitness, and of course the fitter I am.

On the subject of fitness, I still have my winnie the pooh belly, but objectively speaking my weight has gone up and also my fitness. Diet has something to play of course. I'm really clad that I'm getting more fit. I now need to work on my definition. Yes I just made a whole blog post about my indulgent gym fetish. Its better than laying ni bed making lava in my dream world to forget about memories. Time to get my thumb out of my arse and get on with life, and tasks.

P.S. A song that really pumps me up at the gym is Stratovarius' Kiss of Judas

Stratovarius - Kiss of Judas (Jyrki-live)

Stupour in the afternoon (John Zorn in the background)

Today looks bright, sunny. This is unexpected compared to previous days, but welcome. I woke up early, but feeling it was late. I went on with my day as normal until I tried making a blog post. Firefox froze as I opened the application that I use to write blogs. I was annoyed by this because the window I was using to send a job application also froze. I let this make me feel down so I spent the next two hours in bed.

What I was doing in bed you probably won't think will make any sense. I was imagining, in my mind I imagined a world, but a world that didn't have some kind of symbolic significance to something obviously relating to a memory (this probably isn't possible, but I didn't want to have an obvious 'reference' to a place). So, I remembered a completely different world. Usually the environments I imagine in my head are places directly from the past, or fantasy buildings and environments taken from anime, or inspired by the Jesuit school. I imagined a world of stones, if you think its impossible to make a completely original place without reference to a memory or thought then you might say it was a permutation of childhood memories in Brighton beach, but not to say those memories are particularly significant to me (except to provide that image). I manipulated the world and used the stones to make lava, which was nice to think about for two hours.

Really, I suppose I was trying not to think about dark thoughts, or the past. So I tried to imagine something completely different. There were no people in this world, although there were stone giants but I think they were soulless.

So now I'm back working on my schedule. I've sent off a job application and now I'm preparing a covering letter for another. I may or may not go to the gmy later, depending on my mood. I should go though, my stupour is pretty bad today. I've not had a stupour in a long time. I even had a midday wank. I never wank during the day. I've got work tomorrow, then counselling. I'm debating to myself whether I should go to a PhD opening day after counselling but I'm not sure if I'll be too tired, or if I want to go to the gym instead. Thinking about PhDs again upsets me a little.

Back to work, that John Zorn track has finished.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Rebirth through inflicted pain

Good noon,

It seems that the drowsy morning a slwoly becoming something of the past, however the recent dip in temperature is a little bit uncomfortable for getting up in the morning. I wish I could say that I've done a lot since yesterday but I can't really. I've cleared up a whole lot of minor tasks, and then I did some more. I went training yesterday, the personal trainer called in ill, but any excuse for the gym so I went on. I blasted my arms a little bit and it's just a matter of slowly working to a better body. I think that I'm getting more fit as I am starting to cope with higher weights, I'm starting to have a higher pain tolerance and my cardio is getting a little better.

One thing I like to do (since last week) to start training is go on the treadmill until I reach about 50kcals burned at a speed of 8-9mph.I find that really hard and as I near 50 my heart really starts to burn and I really feel that suffocating pain. Also, it's a good warmup, according to the trainer. I was with three naked guys in the shower yesterday, I think that is almost one of the most homo erotic moments i've ever been in. Kind of intimitating, one of the guys had dragon tattoos around his junk.

I feel a sense of purity when I'm toiling on the excercise machines. It's pain, I'm not really sure if I'm a masochist about pain, but I do feel that pain allows me to have a rebirth of some kind. Through pain I am changed and made new, not to say I enjoy pain, but I enjoy the consequence of it. I know that the pain from my excercise will bring me a better body and a happier me. Anyway after the gym I spent the time mostly preparing a new music playlist (the one I made after xmas is finally over) and commiting to small scheduled tasks. I had to remove the job RSS feeds because they were faulty and just gave me any job instead of the ones I was specifically targeting. It's a shame because I love using the Guardian's RSS job feeds.

Now that I'm upright, I suppose I need to get on with it.

Friday, March 4, 2011

(depressive black metal in the evening)

For some curiosity I thought to check out what I was doing back in 2010 this time of year. I think its a time I learned a lot from, many of the nuances of my current scheduling system have derived from then. If anything, its only the past month ago where I've really applied some changes/upgrades to how I organise my time, but since then it was only largely changed since around last April/May.

I was looking at my schedule week by week, I was sending out a lot of applications (loads more than these days), and also I was walking a lot and going off to that Reed place, in some respects its a time I'd rather forget but in others, I learned a lot from it and forgetting would undo such learning. I fell asleep again earlier today. I just couldn't concentrate. I spent about an hour cradling in bed listening to a podcast and then I finally slept. It was comforting to sleep if only for a while. There seem to be about 4000 jobs advertised on my RSS feeds today, its a bit of an encumberance. I'm also reading lots of stories about Gadaffi's funding of the LSE. If you starve a wolf and put it in front of a child, you are responsible for the outcome. You can't create the conditions for making the wolf starve and then blame it for mauling a child to find food. You've created the extreme situation. That's my metaphor for understanding the situation.

I wish I had funding for that PhD I was offered last year. I'd have done it funded by blood money in a heartbeat, cos I'm desperate to do research.Looking at my schedule last year reminded me of how eager I was to send off that PhD application to Belgium. I had a determination I cannot replicate. I got hurt by the rejection.

(Job searching in the afternoon)

Good Afternoon,

I've had a slow morning lets say so I think I'd wrap up a few little observations to sum up my thoughts:

  • There are a lot of jobs being put up on my RSS feeds, this is going to take a while to sift through
  • There are a lot of jobs which kind of depress me that they are advertised: I'm qualified to do them, but there are also a thousand other people more qualified not only do I not have a chance in hell to get into them, but neither do the more experienced people. I'm fucked
  • Completely irrelevant to the past two observations: yesterday when I was doing my weights I felt a sense of inner peace, the turmoil in my mind seemed much more facile and small. When I'm pushing those weights and on the machines, I feel like I'm battling. I push myself and I make lots of moaning sounds of genuine pain when I'm trying to improve my body. I just wish my weight went down
  • In other positives, however, I do notice that I'm a little more toned. I just need to keep it up. If I get enough done today I might go out to the gym. My body feels a little wrecked but mainly my knee and my legs, I'll just focus on upper body if that's the case later on.
Back to work

Turn it around

An observation: I've gotten a big influx of job vacancies sent to me for recruitment consultant roles. Surely working as a recruitment consultant seems to be the most incestuous kind of role ever, its a job someone has to find other people jobs, and in the case of the influx its a whole lot of recruitment consultant jobs advertised (presumably) by a recruitment consultant. Who shaves the barber? (I bet no-one gets the reference there)

I suppose there are two ways I can describe today, I'm going to tell you the positive story. I woke up just in time to get the train, well I say 'just in time', what I mean is that as I saw the train at the platform I ran down the stairs and I rushed so much that as I heard the beeping of the doors I rushed as fast as my body could entail and I made a big jump down the stairs. I think it was at that point when I saw the doors just about to close and the train forever out of reach, that I fell on my knee and revived that old knee injury I got. There I lay on my knee, hurt and ashamed as clearly people saw what transpired. I sat there for a second as I observed the doors close, like a child inevitably seeing that toy he wants out of reach. Then with some luck, the doors opened again for my benefit. How nice of the train driver to see my silly jump.

Picking myself and my pride up off the floor, I hobbled to the doors, even if I wasn't even sure if I was able to walk, this chance I had to take. In the words of Blaine from predator: I ain't got time to bleed.

So, I read the metro as I got to work, and consoled my knee. Sitting on the train I saw how I ventured from the outskirts of obscure south west suburban london to the city of london and the public sector district that is Farringdon, then I ended up at work, which was as it happens, in an outskirts of a sort. So I did my interning work, and I went out for lunch with my colleagues, it so transpired that the other intern I work with is no a FT member of staff and the other new intern is a ditzy and very young lady, I realised how young she was when she didn't realise who Peter Mandelson is, then she didn't realise who Bryan Adams is (why that came up is another story). I felt old but I also felt a little more consoled by my decision to leave.

Getting home I felt my knee getting a little better, although it was still inflammated. I was having some pretty dark thoughts (to say the least of the positive story) so I decided that it would be a positive thing if I went to the gym not long after I got home. I got home, got my gym bag together and ventured to the gym. It's my first time at the gym since the robbery, so I felt a little anxious and scared, I also felt (following a favourite Marc Maron routine) racialised thoughts as i was considering which ethnic minority person is eyeing up my locker right now. Luckily no one broke into my locker this time, with that assurance I had a slightly inappropriately long shower to warmdown. The shower was nice and warm and no one was in the changing room so I just enjoyed the nakedness in a public place, I also gave myself a deeper clean than usual, deeper than I would if say another guy was in the shower with me (ie. my bum and under foreskin).

My body felt a little wrecked on the way home, my body felt more than a little wrecked as I came back home, my legs felt sore, my upper body and to some extent my abs. I only was in the gym for about an hour but the calisthenic and freeweight excercises really  get the olive oil (sweat) out of me. I was naughty and got some takeaway as I came home. Oh, I forgot to mention that I put my 16-25 card into my oyster account, so now the events of monday have almost been completely reversed. Well, I have to make peace with losing those 50p coins. I was going home with a colleague last week after a late shift and I was telling her about how horrid my first interview date was two weeks ago, she told me that I should 'turn it around' and not let what happened affect my mood for the next interview date. That kind of selective memory is interesting, this week I've been dealing with the idea that other people selectively remember the past, in effect to screen out the things that challenge them. Would it be so bad if I did the same to 'turn it around' to make my almost horrible day into a good day?

Well lets say this, for my intent, the above account of today sounds pretty positive (except for the guilty post-victim racialism) so lets just keep it at that?

Oh yeah, I also can't sleep right now. I sorta collapsed after I got home and I woke up around 10pm.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Is there anything else I can help with?

Right now that's kind of how I feel. I hear that phrase so often it means nothing sinceere at all. It's a phraswe, its a coded ritualised message stated in social customs that is obligatory in prescribed roles. It means something to the effect of, closing up a case or a customer service transation, one politely asks if there is any other thing to help with in order to consolidate and complete the emotional transaction.

Today I've done enough to merit me going to bed and just spending the rest of the evening wanking and reading dirty stories, as I do with most evenings. Perhaps I want to break the routine. I've finished all my tasks about 2 hours too late to go to the gym, but doing so means I have at least finished my tasks. There was a point about 2:30 in the afternoon where I felt entirely fatigued so I went for a little siesta, waking up about 5:30 I got back to task.

Now I've got everything done in the day which includes:

  • Receipt of railcard
  • Receipt of debit card
  • Call from police officer
  • Job Search
  • Sent off job application
  • Little reading tasks
I could do more job searching and clear up the rest of the future tasks of the week, I suppose clearing up the tasks means I have a lesser load in the coming weeks, or it could mean that I free up space to do more things, the latter seems more likely. At that point when I consider that completing all the tasks only leads to doing more, I feel a sense of how pointless these tasks are. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I wonder how far these tasks are actually useful. Perhaps I might keep going with little or medium sized tasks.

I have a suspiciou/fear that my sex drive is going. I did have a big wank in the afternoon to satiate me, but I am a little concerned in general that as I get older, my libido (and sense of energy about life in general) will go away. Or maybe I'm just really focussed on other stuff right now. I suppose I can give myself a pat on the back for getting lots done today, and for almost completely overcoming the damage control of the event of monday.

No country for young men

An hour or two into my job search: there are so many vacancies which I initially deemed applicable to me which after some further reflection, I see don't ask exactly for me. Fuck. While its right to be picky about jobs to apply to, to avoid spray and pay; while it is important to be so selective in the vacancies you target that you need to go through hundreds before you find the right one, I'm in the search after a few days since saturday and I haven't found a single one which I can shoot off yet, many of the ones I considered worth applying to ended up asking for something I couldn't deliver. It's fucked up when they are offering a starting wage for 2-5 years experience. Fucked up.

Anyway, back to the job search.

People sometimes say to listen to one's own voice to find insight. My greatest fear is exactly that.

Good morning,

It's a late morning, I know, but it took a little while to get into the routine. As I got up around 9:30, I felt incredibly drowsy and cold. Considering that it is the start of March (I know, it's a nightmare: I was still adapting to Feburary!), it is still damned cold. That said, I am trying to avoid wearing the winter gear now. I'm slowly getting on with it, for many days when I was depressed I longed to have this mindset, the mindset to just get on with it, instead I was stuck in the past, or stuck in despair. I suppose that while I cannot fully leave behind those days (as much as it is desired), I learn as much as I can, incrementally as it may be, to move forward.

While on the topic of moving forward, I've got a reply from my intern boss (who is like 1 year younger than me -ugh), she says she understands my decision appreciates my work with her organisation. I had a trigger at the community meeting last night, as well as a moment of anxiety, I have very intense anxiety around new people, I suppose that I didn't realise that feeling until afterwards. How I deal with social anxiety is difficult. With a new wallet, I suppose I enter a new era in my life. I thought back in 2007 that many of the personal affects I had would last almost forever, it is interesting that almost all of the items have now been replaced (except notably, my laptop). I like my personal things to last, that is partly a response to the fact that technology presumes a next generation, I'm using 'old' technology but that doesn't mean that I'm necessarily left behind.

So the plan for today may or may not involve the gym. The plan for today definately will involve clearing up whatever tasks I've set myself. Have I gotten so used to the routine that I don't challenge myself? That's very possible, consider how rarely a task that really gives me anxiety is in it, that is not to say that I never input a task that causes anxiety (consider yesterday as a case in point), but I am starting to think that ritual may be laziness. How do I react to this fact? It is not to say that I should get rid of ritual, for ritual (my schedule) is one of the prevailing ways in which I get over many anxieties, its the only way I can remember for instance to get up in the morning or to shave. I cannot function without it.

Lately I've felt mia's voice talking to me, it's a voice that talks to me at times when she tells me what I want to hear. Being told what you want to hear is ...tempting. Being told something you want to hear is indulgent. My mind plays interesting tricks, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to, that is in some other part, what I want, perhaps what I need. I've not had a real conversation with anyone for a few days, and further to that it seems that I only really chat to Dobby. I'm lonely, that's making me vulnerable to influences.

People sometimes say to listen to one's own voice to find insight, I used to believe that too. My greatest fear is exactly that.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Done, and done

Good afternoon.

So, what Have I done today?

  • Sent a letter of notice to my boss at the internship (like pulling a wax paper off your chest - get it done and the pain will go)
  • Bought a new wallet
  • Obtained a new oyster card
  • Got some money from the bank
  • Ordered a new NI document. They wouldn't give me a replacement card, fuck.
  • Prepared some books to take with me at the next local community group meeting (I feel like a retarded 4 year old in show and tell)
  • Did some walking
  • Watched a bit of the film 'Troy' on Sky+, that film brings much awe to me
Considering this day is what I dreaded the most both in terms of sending off the notice, and sorting out the damage control of the incident yesterday, I think I've sorted it out. I've learned to control myself and my anxiety, by anticipating it and managing it. Perhaps I am a mature person for learning to deal with that. I'm not sure whether I'll reward myself by going to the gym today, I could just catch up with tasks , like job applications for instance.

All the same, if my day ended today, I'd be very proud of myself. Anxious, but proud.

maybe this will make me stronger as a person having done this... (depressive black metal in the morning)

You wouldn't believe my life sometimes, I certainly can't.

My locker was robbed in the gym yesterday afternoon, most of last night and today will be dedicated to the act of 'damage control'. I need to get a new wallet, oystercard and some cash. This morning I found a blog of a friend (well an internet friend) who has acknowledged me in a forthcoming book as helping his work critically.

My life is full of contrasts, from barely being able to afford my gym and counselling subscription to trying to get a new wallet and oyster card (they don't give out NI cards - fuck), to being mentioned as an academic supporter in a book.

I need to write my letter of notice to my boss of the internship. As much as I enjoy work experience and being in proximity to people who will make big moves in the world in the next few decades, I need money and I don't like being exploited. I've been there too fucking long.

Later on today I'm off to a local community group, I've contributed some information to the organiser  from my 'expert knowledge' about the subject, whether she will use it or not is up to her. In addition, I've recieved a lot of job rejections this week. My thought about the interview last week was that in the remote situation that I get an offer, I'd want to wait before I take it to hear back from my other applications. Since the ones I really wanted to hear from have given me a negative, that means I'm free to take this job on, which means I'll have to travel nearly 4 hours a day if I get it. That said, a job is a job and I do need the money, the financial independence and I do want to be like a normal 24 /nearly 25 year old who has a job and not some hermit who lives with his parents playing xbox until 2am instead of sleeping.

Okay, I've loaded my bag and I've got a plan for the rest of the day. Wish me luck, today is going to be a little angst ridden, not least because I lost my wallet, or that I'm attempting some form of damage control over the emotional shock of it and that I need to give a notice letter to my boss (which I am dreading). Who knows, maybe this will make me stronger as a person having done this.