Wednesday, March 2, 2011

People sometimes say to listen to one's own voice to find insight. My greatest fear is exactly that.

Good morning,

It's a late morning, I know, but it took a little while to get into the routine. As I got up around 9:30, I felt incredibly drowsy and cold. Considering that it is the start of March (I know, it's a nightmare: I was still adapting to Feburary!), it is still damned cold. That said, I am trying to avoid wearing the winter gear now. I'm slowly getting on with it, for many days when I was depressed I longed to have this mindset, the mindset to just get on with it, instead I was stuck in the past, or stuck in despair. I suppose that while I cannot fully leave behind those days (as much as it is desired), I learn as much as I can, incrementally as it may be, to move forward.

While on the topic of moving forward, I've got a reply from my intern boss (who is like 1 year younger than me -ugh), she says she understands my decision appreciates my work with her organisation. I had a trigger at the community meeting last night, as well as a moment of anxiety, I have very intense anxiety around new people, I suppose that I didn't realise that feeling until afterwards. How I deal with social anxiety is difficult. With a new wallet, I suppose I enter a new era in my life. I thought back in 2007 that many of the personal affects I had would last almost forever, it is interesting that almost all of the items have now been replaced (except notably, my laptop). I like my personal things to last, that is partly a response to the fact that technology presumes a next generation, I'm using 'old' technology but that doesn't mean that I'm necessarily left behind.

So the plan for today may or may not involve the gym. The plan for today definately will involve clearing up whatever tasks I've set myself. Have I gotten so used to the routine that I don't challenge myself? That's very possible, consider how rarely a task that really gives me anxiety is in it, that is not to say that I never input a task that causes anxiety (consider yesterday as a case in point), but I am starting to think that ritual may be laziness. How do I react to this fact? It is not to say that I should get rid of ritual, for ritual (my schedule) is one of the prevailing ways in which I get over many anxieties, its the only way I can remember for instance to get up in the morning or to shave. I cannot function without it.

Lately I've felt mia's voice talking to me, it's a voice that talks to me at times when she tells me what I want to hear. Being told what you want to hear is ...tempting. Being told something you want to hear is indulgent. My mind plays interesting tricks, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to, that is in some other part, what I want, perhaps what I need. I've not had a real conversation with anyone for a few days, and further to that it seems that I only really chat to Dobby. I'm lonely, that's making me vulnerable to influences.

People sometimes say to listen to one's own voice to find insight, I used to believe that too. My greatest fear is exactly that.

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