Good morning.
When waking up at 7:30 and getting up at 8 is 'late' and a lay-in, I think I'm on the right track of things. Today is my last day in the intern office. I'm almost thinking nothing of it. It's almost routine, but it's not routine, its the last day. I'm personally quite glad that I'm going. Actually, the main thing on my thoughts is how tired I feel. I've done two days of work, two consecutive days of gym over the past three days and the constant activity is showing its toll on me. However, the fact that I'm still upright and I'm able to do things is also a sign of that activity in that its a sign that my energy overall is much higher and my endurance is stronger.
On Wednesday evening my internet connection was fucked again, so I had to keep silent. I missed an appointment of counselling, for which I'm very pissed at myself for. I texted and left a phone message to the counsellor apologising and explaining. I fucked it. It was out of my control. Lots of my counselling appointments are about things out of my control. Anyway enough about that. I cant remember how much I ate yesterday. I bought a burrito at this nice place outside work yesterday, I have mixed feelings about it. It was nice after a first few bites and then nasty in the middle but come the end of the burrito I did feel that it really hit the spot in terms of filling me up and busting my gut. What a strange experience, it's like an opposite girlfriend.
So, three days have passed (or is it two?): I've worked for two days, trained for another two. Today I'm at the office for the final time, and perhaps I might train. I'm not sure if I will go training today or if I'll just rest it up, or catch up on some stuff that I've had set for myself.
Lately I've started thinking about Dobby. I think I am (predictably) starting to fancy her. Here are some reasons why I think I fancy her:
I was listening to a Documentary earlier this week: I think it was called 'Sit with me: An anatomy of Depression' from ABC national radio (that's australian), it told a story of a man living with serious depression. It was so raw and genuine, and I saw myself in it, but I also so a real man, a man who lived in vulnerability and suffered. I saw the story of a man who lived through 'Juno's unforgettable anger' (Virgil reference? Didn't get it? Really? just me then). When the man said that he was scared that he'd never have kids or find a wife, I guess I could relate to that. When you feel so hopeless it consumes you and you are disabled by inaction. I feel terribly sorry for that poor soul. It makes me want to push on, it makes me need to push on. I know that feeling and that demon inside me is never too far away. As such I really must push on and fight.
So, that's a diary of my thoughts and activities over the past few days. I guess not having counselling, or a friend to talk to about this stuff makes you a replacement for them. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. That's why I need to keep pushing.
When waking up at 7:30 and getting up at 8 is 'late' and a lay-in, I think I'm on the right track of things. Today is my last day in the intern office. I'm almost thinking nothing of it. It's almost routine, but it's not routine, its the last day. I'm personally quite glad that I'm going. Actually, the main thing on my thoughts is how tired I feel. I've done two days of work, two consecutive days of gym over the past three days and the constant activity is showing its toll on me. However, the fact that I'm still upright and I'm able to do things is also a sign of that activity in that its a sign that my energy overall is much higher and my endurance is stronger.
On Wednesday evening my internet connection was fucked again, so I had to keep silent. I missed an appointment of counselling, for which I'm very pissed at myself for. I texted and left a phone message to the counsellor apologising and explaining. I fucked it. It was out of my control. Lots of my counselling appointments are about things out of my control. Anyway enough about that. I cant remember how much I ate yesterday. I bought a burrito at this nice place outside work yesterday, I have mixed feelings about it. It was nice after a first few bites and then nasty in the middle but come the end of the burrito I did feel that it really hit the spot in terms of filling me up and busting my gut. What a strange experience, it's like an opposite girlfriend.
So, three days have passed (or is it two?): I've worked for two days, trained for another two. Today I'm at the office for the final time, and perhaps I might train. I'm not sure if I will go training today or if I'll just rest it up, or catch up on some stuff that I've had set for myself.
Lately I've started thinking about Dobby. I think I am (predictably) starting to fancy her. Here are some reasons why I think I fancy her:
- She's a girl (yes I'm a stupid guy)
- She's showing interest in me as a person when no one else is (ugh, this is so predictable isn't it)
- She makes me feel like I can be me around her, and not what people want me to be
- She's opened up to me
- More importantly, she makes me feel like I want to open up to her
- I feel so comfortable with her I tell her about my dark stuff, my kinky inner desires and thoughts, and my stupid guy like of action movies
- She works in ICT and is a real person, not a figment of my imagination trying to tell me to purge that embodies my negative ideals of women, or a woman on a computer screen who I am fixatedly masturbating over, or an unattainable pedestal woman who will ultimately reject me.
I was listening to a Documentary earlier this week: I think it was called 'Sit with me: An anatomy of Depression' from ABC national radio (that's australian), it told a story of a man living with serious depression. It was so raw and genuine, and I saw myself in it, but I also so a real man, a man who lived in vulnerability and suffered. I saw the story of a man who lived through 'Juno's unforgettable anger' (Virgil reference? Didn't get it? Really? just me then). When the man said that he was scared that he'd never have kids or find a wife, I guess I could relate to that. When you feel so hopeless it consumes you and you are disabled by inaction. I feel terribly sorry for that poor soul. It makes me want to push on, it makes me need to push on. I know that feeling and that demon inside me is never too far away. As such I really must push on and fight.
So, that's a diary of my thoughts and activities over the past few days. I guess not having counselling, or a friend to talk to about this stuff makes you a replacement for them. Ugh, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. That's why I need to keep pushing.
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