Monday, March 31, 2008

My friend Julian

We have all sorts of friends in this complex world; internet friends, opposite sex friends, gay friends, best friends, enemy friends, competing friends, old friends, shallow friends, and former friends.

My friend Julian was all sorts of friend to me in the past; I thought he cuold have been my best friend, perhaps at one point I even thought that, but now, I hardly have heard from him in 2 years.

Julian is the kind of guy who knows everyone, he has lots of friends. Th thing is, he has so many new friends he forgets about his old friends. I ditched Julian a long time ago, although I still met him once in a while after sixth form, it was slightly impersonal and it was only a reminiscent shadow of a closer friendship.

Julian had this one guy who was his best friend. He was his 'best friend' cos this guy wouldn't let go of Julian, cos he didn't have anyone else. Julian however, had much cooler and attractive friends, eventually, Julian ditched this poor guy. I met with this fellow a while back; he seems a bit 'off' since he finished his GNVQ at college...he didn't go down the 'A' level route like me and all the others, but was left alone, and just once in a while Julian would invite him out, once in a while like once every 2-3 months. Sometimes we have those friends who aren't very sociable who need good friends to look out for them. I am one such person...or at least. I was.

Back in first year of uni I had almost no friends; except maybe these two guys who I eventually lived with. One guy is a friend from college and another, a guy i met on the internet who was on my cuorse; we got along...both of them weren't popular or sociable or attractive, and neither was I.

As my frend from college in the second year who I lived with got more poppular, he ditched me. I had to find another place to live. Now, in my MA degree, I have loads of UG friends, not good friends, but just enough medium friends who I know a little bit, to form a cirle to push my bad friends away...but, am I just like Julian?

I wonder...if I have become the thing I hate.

I thought the bad bully guys had it great...but I don't have it great...I am purging and my anxiety and depression is getting worse....

Full circle. I have dithed, or rather, I am itching soem of my old friends. My excuse? They are keeping me from making other friends...Its not sayonara to them, but I need to move on with my life...and one friend of which insulted Marie...I don't want to get involved with him anymre

Friday, March 28, 2008

Showing a bit of flesh

If I was a girl; perhaps I would be seen as a desperate slut.

I have had a tendency recently to emphasise my new slimmer body. I wear tight shirts and trousers, and basically nothing else. I have also bought today some vests; the kind that I have been fantasising about wearing since my body has gone smaller now.

Now that I am a 'small' shirt size; I have bought some vests. I have also found that wearing tighter clothes make you look slimmer; for when I was not purging; I sometimes looked fatter cos there were more creases.

Today when I bought my new clothes; my dress shirt which was tight,, and my vests; I wore them, with my long hair hanging over me, I felt beautiful, I felt like the kind of person I wanted to be like when I was a little kid.

WHen I was a little kid I wanted to be really cool and look like I could do anything and do things that my parents wouldn't let me do; like buy pretty fancy clothes, stay out, late, and do all those american, hollywood things like drive cars, shoot laser guns, and have pretty girls as friend.

Most of those things are coming true for me.

The sexiest thing I find about myself is that I'm a geeky academic who studies the driest subject in the world; but I look so sexy sometimes...but then my 'ugly goggles come in' and look at the faults I have, and I thought to myself; if you think you are so attractive, how come you have never had a girlfriend? How come Marie doesn't like you? How come you aren't academically good enough? How come you get anxiety? Is your anxiety a sign of cowardice?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The hall of mirrors

Have you ever seen those hall of mirrors, when one mirror makes you look skinny, and the other fat?

Sometimes when I walk down the street, I glance at myself through the windows that I pass. I see two people. Lets call them Conatus and Conatus'

Conatus is getting skinnier by the day, he has a robust chest, he looks brash, youthful, full of energy, and stylish.

Conatus' is also losing weight as an objective fact, but still has a belly. In fact, his belly is quite protruding, I want my belly to be flat.

Some days I feel glamourous, I feel intelligent, I feel like there are problems but I'll work my way to making them better...

Other days I feel like the problems are all I have, and getting better is climbing up a greasy pole.

Ever seen that episode of Father Ted with the sheep beauty contest? Where the sheep is troubled by being traumatised, and there is a before and after comparison picture of the sheep (which is, to the viewer, only a mirror image of another...its the same picture). Yet, to the characters in Craggy Island; the sheep is thoroughly depressed and shattered, only an broken shell of what he formerly was. Its not really that absurd to think that its the same it?

Nothing has changed in my appearance during the day; but I can be a slowly thinning stylish guy who has still a bit to work on; to a pathetic fat loser who will never get a girlfriend...

In other news, my throat hurts constantly from purging. I've gotten this image of what stomach fluids are, and I think of battery acid coming out of my mouth as I purge; although when I purge its just food and relief that comes out of me.

But the battery acid metaphor seems to have more credence, as I feel my body slowly burning up inside.

My faults

Here are a list of my faults. I'll ty to be as reasonable, yet honest, as I can. What do I mean to say that I am being honest?

I suppose what I mean by honest is being self-critical in a way that normally I would otherwise try to ignore my own errors, or try to explain them away. I make mistakes, and all too often people think that they make mistakes but objectively go overboard, i think about those women who say that they are ugly, or fat, but are just beautiful the way they are. But no, I don't mean these faults, I mean the kind of faults that I have that I am trying to realise that are firstly, problematic and signs of bad character, and secondly, things I should try to improve upon.

So; I'll try to address the faults that I have, as I think of them right now; and address them in two ways; firstly, trying to come to terms with why these things are in me, not so much to allocate blame or pass the buck onto someone else, but to see that I am reacting in some habitual way, or how fundamental it is to my character it is to have this fault; and secondly, I shall try to consider ways to move on and improve. Right now this feels very difficult to do; as I type this now I am expressing my very innermost thoughts, I don't know what I will conlude, this is not a planned piece of writing, but I am merely thinking aloud; albeit in this fairly structured manner that I have set about.

So, thinking aloud I am exploring myself, typing is just the extention of my expression of these thoughts.


I always used to hold in my anger almost at every cost, even when it was legitimate and justified. I remember this passage in the bible when Christ gets angry at people who are selling stuff in the temple. I remember my teachers telling me it is okay to be angry and challenge authority when they are unjust. I always thought of the state as just, that I was brought up with thinking that authority figures maintained their authority insofar as they were given powers to look out for others. Marie once told me, that isn't the real world.

After I got put in hospital, I was very frightened. I'll try not to think too much about this memory cos it might cause a 'trigger', even though I know I have my finger on the 'trigger', I haven't pulled it yet, so I need to say as little as possible.

There was a moment when I was met by this external doctor; he told me I was blackmailed, and coerced. He told me "you have rights". I was very docile and maleable in that horrid place, sometimes, submission is the only way to cope when you are overpowered. I couldn't fight because I thought at the time I couldn't win; I was obeying them to minimise damage. As I think about this, I feel like I have triggered, I feel the anger pumping into me slowly, so I better stop talking about this experience.

I mentioned the experience, and risked triggering to say this, when I realsied what hey did was wrong, I got angry at the doctor, I remember his name now, my mind repeating his name, I remember his face, as I get angry now; let me stop thinking about this, let me try to get on with this mental excercise I have set myself.

I get angry, and that was the first time, before then, I always knew how to put a lid on the anger, and it is like I have broken a seal, which I cannot repair. I can get angry at things very easily, some things I would stop and think this is unreasonable to get angry at, other things, like genuine incompetence, or genuine irrational thinking which I must embarrass others by showing the errors of their thinking that they assume to be correct, I have no boundary for my anger. I am feeling angry now... I better stop talking about this. I have to go out later today, if I trigger now I will have ruined my day....I guess I'll talk about my other faults. I'm sorry everyone. Lets consider another fault.


I'm a postgraduate; and I worked very hard in the past, even though my depression makes it difficult to work to the best of my ability, which means I am very angry at myself and I feel great disappointment and shame about this calamity; I feel angry at others and this is not the same as the feeling I talked about above (that I suddenly stopped addressing); this is different.

This feeling I have stems from a certain feeling; superiority. Not my own, but the inferiority of others; to call others inferior, I suppose, is to deem my own superiority by some kind of assumption by virtue of reference to them. I dislike the doctors, I think they are incompetent, yes, that is anger, but when I try to articulate this feeling with appeal to my intellect, i guess I refer to ethics, philosophy of science, and other such things, I use the techniques, concepts and tools I was brought up with to attack their actions, criticise them, and expect a stimulating debate and structured discussion as regards the error of their ways; is my reasoning wrong about how I think of what they done? I cannto get an answer because they don't answer my questions: apparently the talk of ethics and philosophy is too technical for them. I get angry (see above feeling), but I express it through this elitism.

Marie said I was arrogant, and her facebook profile says that she doesn't like people who are arrogant; it's a turnoff. I feel like I can't meet her standards, her ideals, her adequacy of being close to her; because of my arrogance, after thinking this, I decided to write this article.

So I'm elitist? Elitist about what? Going to good universities, being properly educated, giving everything you beleive in the best effort you can, being disciplined, being respectful to those who know more than you, those seminal figures who are important in certain issues and research; and knowing the academic literature.

If I'm talking to someone who has an expertise in something; if they purport to 'knowing' anything about their area, I expect them to know the literature, isn't that the convention these days? If i am an expert on population, I must know about Malthus; If I am an expert on dystopian literature, I sure as hell should have ready Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

Okay, so I'm arrogant, I'm guessing that's a relevant reason as to why Marie isn't interested in me. Its bad; and it has been in the way of potential relationships in the past. But, really, I guess I feel so hurt at the poss of the chance ofbeing closer to Marie I'd do anything, even if it is too late, to repair myself; even if it is futile.....

Okay, so I'm arrogant. Maybe I should just word myself better around people; keep calm. I think the arrogance is twinned with the anger, but not one and the same as it.

Okay; so what other faults do I have? I think I am able to say more thoughts about my anger; so I'll do that

Anger (continued)

Before I used to have a limit of not hallenging authority figures; but now, I would challenge any authority. I would should at the hospital managers. Shouting used to make me anxious, still does to some extent. When I was a kid it scared me to see adults angry.

Now I'm a grownup, and I get angry, it doesn't scare me, in fact, I don't think anything of it. I get angry sometimes, I guess I realise that I'm angry, but I feel no regret, I could kill someone and I'd feel at the time I have no regret. Today I shouted at my mum because of inadequate reasoning (she applied an enthymeme); I shouted hard at her; I thought later about it, maybe I ridiculed her, I hope I did. I hope that when I shout at doctors they feel afraid. They should be afraid of my challenge, it is only that I feel strongly for what I say; I feel strongly about certain issues that I get angry about it, that does include my academic work as well.

I have more to say about these faults; but perhaps another time...

How will I improve? I guess the first important thing is to ask why am I feeling this way? secondly is this response approriate? and lastly, do they deserve this treatment?

Usually I can answer the two last questions with "yes", the first one? I don't know why. I feel my introspective sense has just blunted out right now. My concentration is dead.

Thank you for letting me vent...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My journey to small sized shirts

I've got a thing for emphasising my bodily features that I like. One way of expressing this is through big boots, which, because of my surprisingly thick calves and thighs, don't look too big, but I look built and a little muscular (at least from the waist down so far).

Now, above the waist, I used to have a lot of fat; that's reduced quite severely. In the past, I used to wear XL going on XXL longsleeve crewneck shirts. Today, I went to Gap and bought a stretch range (which is almost like lycra) longsleeve crewneck, sized small.

The story of my appearance change which began from the start of my blog (the start of my blog roughly coincides with when I started purging) is as follows:

September (2007): 240lbs, XXL, sweating whenever I attended to the least of physical activity; peak of social activity with girls - MSN with girls who have been turned down by other guys who saw me as last resort, but there was also a couple of really special girls that I knew.

September (mid): started purging, anxiety seemed to start to get back to me. Problems with starting masters degree, finding place to live: waist size 38-40

October-November: Purging continues; not much marked change in appearance, but I do find I have migrated from XL to L; not quite ready to stay on L at first; but then they become interchangeable, they both look and fit the same on me, then, XL start to feel too big. Waist size 38 starting to fall down my waist

December-Janurary: Appearance notibly changed. L is looking a little big, started to experiment with M; looks good, but I look a little tubby and it looks tight on me. Looking tight in an M started to seem appealing eventually, and at this point I begin to wear M in public. At Christmas my friends notice my start of weight change. Weight now is 190lbs. I develop RSI from university work causing pain in typing.

Feburary: Explorations of my body, I find subtle changes in my body as I go through the days; purging is not a habit, but an occaisional treat; some days I purge like a glutton would binge. I find that my waists feel bony, my collarbone has returned to me, my man-boobs are going down, my ribs are showing, my arms are showing more muscle definition, and the flabby part underneath my waist but just above my penis is significantly deflated.

My legs become more muscular and defined, my RSI pains are more profound and prolific, but I endure them over the pain of purging. I being to feel comfortable just going out in my T shirt; I feel sexy, I feel attractive, I feel fashionable, I feel lonely.

March: I am now 'small'; I started to find that there were creases in my medium shirts; I no longer filled them out so as they looked 'tight', but they made me look fat for the opposite reason that they are getting a little too big; like how the XXL looked big.

This is just provisional, I look good in a tight S shirt; but I have more to go; I have belly fat and man boobs to remove...

Why must I purge to aspire to this male adonis? I do not desire beauty, but it seems the only way I can look different so that people will treat me differently.

I want to be loved. I am losing control...I hope I can fit into the Gap XS sizes!!!

Piano mistakes

I used to play the piano in school. Solo performances. I dreaded making mistakes. If I made a mistake, I would try my best to iron it out during practice. Then I would simulate a 'mock performance' during practice, towards the end of a training session.

At the real thing, it is different to practice; if you are being trained in something, the safety of training gives you a psychological sense of security, performing in front of people takes that safety away.

I used to make mistakes, lots of them.

What happens when you make a mistake? You take away from the perfection of the piece? Not necessarily, just almost always.

You can save yourself from mistakes sometimes; make it interpretative and emphasise the overall character of the music; that will erode the fact that you made a mistake.

Some mistakes are obvious. Just play through it; so you made a mistake when you are playing in front of people in an audience, just go through, keep playing, forget about it.

The worst thing is if you let it get to you, then you make more mistakes, and when you make more mistakes, you may think about it, and then make more mistakes. The worst thing that could happen is when you stop playing, and pause.

When you stop playing, you try to get back to where you were. You feel awkward, embarrassed, ashamed, scared, and you want to escape, but you have to finish the piece, even though everyone knows that you failed the piece. Keep playing.

When you stop playing, and try to start again, you may stop again, and constantly start and stop. If you thought the nerves were bad just before playing, it is even worse when you play and make mistakes, and stop, and try to play again...

Do these memories I have from the past have anything to bear on my current life? I don't play piano anymore, but it used to be a deep passion in my life...

It used to be the thing I identified with.

I feel so lonely.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Underwear models

I was travelling home on the bus this weekend, and I saw this big blowup poster on the way to London. It was this male body, muscular and rippling, he had well defined everything; and he had those pelvic bones showing that I want to have; my body doesn't look anything close to that.

Maybe a body like that is too perfect; maybe guys who are like that aren't academics or scientists, but they just prance about and have sex with women (or men) who are equally prancy and frivolous and airheaded and dense.

But I'm still jealous...I want to be like those fashionable men on Debenhams posters, looking cool with their longish messy hair, yet smart as well; as if to say 'I'm a professional', 'but I'm also a fashionable young man'.

Purging makes me look beautiful, even if I feel ugly.

I want to look beautiful, so that I can find someone to hold me. To ease my lonliness, because, isn't that what most of us want, after all?

I'd rather be hungry and starving and alone, then fat an alone...the former has one less problem to solve.

My (adult) body

I love my long hair, curly, full bodied, thick, soft.

I love my face, chiseled, smooth, gentle, soft,

I love my eyes, deep, tired, mysterious. I have a lazy eye which is partially blind.

I love my chest, broad, it is less fat now. I used to have man boobs but now they are slimming down.

I used to hate my nipples, but now with my man boobs going down they look less weird. They do get erect when its cold, and sink in when its warm.

I can see these contours in my body, my ribs, for example, are showing a lot more, the collarbone beneath my neck, which I used to be able to see, then I lost it, and now it has returned.

Recently I have found I can feel it is bony on my waistline.

I see these two lines on all the male model posters, where they have like a pubic bone showing that goes from the base of their genitalia, nearly up to where their kidneys are. It's like a V shape. I remember when I studied greek sculpture there was an archaic period bronze which was very geometrically symmetrical; and he had the V on the pubis, and an upside down V (an A if you will), where the ribs were.

I still have work to do, I still have a belly, a little bit of manboob, and my cheeks look fat.

I am starting to feel sexy, but I have more to go; more of this belly to purge away.

My thighs are quite big. I can see the fatness of my legs when I compare them to other guy. My shins and calfs are significantly muscular, which isn't a bad thing. It's never bad to be big if its muscle, people see that as beautiful.

I like lookign at myself topless, with my flowing hair draping over my shoulders and going halfway down my back. I'm not a little boy anymore...I'm a grownup, I am a Masters student and I am seen as smart, caring, and thinner...then why do I feel so dirty?

Beauty perhaps comes from within, purging is taking all those things inside away. I'm throwing the baby out with the bathwater...this is my way of coping with growing up. I never had a teenage life, I was in seminary school all that time, with no girls, only books.

Sunday, March 23, 2008


Today (the last post was unpublished from 4 days ago); I purged a huge amount.

I'm at home with the parents this week, mum heard. She was making some remark about how I ate too quickly, but then she asked 'are you okay'? As she was by the door; I opened, and, in an ingenius strategy; I had shaving foam over my face, with a half shaven face, and she dismissed her least for now.

She thought I was shaving the whole time in the bathroom, and possibly just coughing cos I cough a lot (like my dad); maybe I was just gagging on the foam as I inhaled when spreading it around my face, maybe as I put the foam over my lip i breathed inwards and some of it went into my nose and i had to cough it out...

Or maybe, I am coming to terms with the reality that If it was meant to be with Marie; it would have happened already. Antonia was hard on me today; saying it is hopeless with her, but at least I have her, so she says, to love me.

I want Marie; but increasingly my female friends tell me that she isn't good for friends care about me, but they just don't understand.

Marie is like the dream and hope I forgotten I had. Marie is perfect.

Marie is my dream...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I've told Antonia about my eating disorder. She feels very worried about me. For the past few days she has been calling me, telling me that she loves me, that she cares aout me and says that I should eat; and that I should get better. Often she cries.

What I feel is that I have upset her from what I am doing. Yes, purging is hard, and so is my academic work; but I must do it. I feel sad that I make her cry; for I seem to be the cause of her pain, and I don't feel okay with that. I guess I should reach my target as soon as possible and then I will not have to purge anymore...

I talked to Marie yesterday as well; Marie said some various things...I am working myself to exhaustion. How I need to take a break over the easter. How there is no imperatives, (no 'shoulds' or 'musts', in her terminology) that bind me, and that I don't have to follow any standard.

Later on that day, I facilitated phone sex with Antonia...I wanted to make her feel good, I didn't feel as aroused or pleasured in return. I want Antonia to feel okay; she's having a hard time in her own life. I want to give soemthing to her.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Plus and Minus

Positives of the past few days:

Since monday I have been using a new way of organising my time that the woman at mentoring suggested. Seems to help. My PDA is helping me do things and having a struture to the day motivates me a little.

I may go to visit Antonia sometime. She loves me, and wants to help me. Perhaps I don't feel the same way, but its nice to have a real friend who wants me to get better, and there is a little sexual tension between us; but the stronger feeling she has is the concern. I just feel bad that I don't love her in the way I do for marie.


My feelings about marie
being behind at work

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Today I have the following positive things to say:

  1. I am getting more organised - through help of my mentor's advice
  2. I ate well today..beef goulash; lovely stuff
  3. Didn't purge today...but put on weight
  4. I got nice comments from a friend at uni, and Antonia.
  5. Handled anxiety well today
  6. Was out with people in grad school today
  7. Managed to keep busy
  8. Managed to sort out how to put my calendar on my PDA
  9. I think that I pass off as a caring person to others...asking if they are okay; and going by my intuitions if I think they aren't.
Just one bad thing: I found out one girl who I walk home with sometimes, is going out with a guy that we both know. Not that I have any strong feelings for her; but I feel a little embarrassed of the thought that I may have gotten on a little too strong with saying that I want to help. Is that sleazy?? I hope they don't think less of me. Its good they are together...cos that guy was one guy I thought Marie would go with. So he's out of the picture ( know, I think like this but after my mind entertains the thought, I feel stupid that I even thought it. Will I ever get close to Marie? Time will tell)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Bulimia goggles

Since I have been purging; my vision of the world changes.

I notice how some people have quite big bellies that I didn't notice before. I sort of feel more judgmental of male thinness. Girls are always beautiful whether skinny or large; its almost an appeal of their character. Endearing, charming, sweet.

I noticed, for instance, that my 'skinny' brother isn't as thin as me; I noticed how some of my old friends are quite fat. Well, unacceptably fat, really. I'd never tell them that, but they are quite big and they eat very high fat food. One guy told me he ate prawns and a whole container of cheese sauce, and that was just his first course.

I noticed this guy in grad school as well; he has quite a big belly. He has quite an attractive face, wears nice clothes, nice attitude, smart guy; but I noticed his belly portruding. I feel a little odd noticing these thing, I guess with my new body I just see the world differently now.

People also notice how I have changed. I try to wear tight shirts, and as little as possible. I want someone to hold me, maybe if I look more attractive I will find someone to care for me.

I can't bear this anymore...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

University societies

This upset me more than I should have anticipated.

I have been in a university society since my second undergraduate year. I was putting myself up for president. I failed.

Marie took my position that I used to have in the committee. She' upgraded to being me, and now I'm nothing again.

I'm a little jealous that I have no position in that society anymore; especially since I got really involved and had a big responsibility in the I'm nothing.

It makes me cry, I cried all night.

I'm never good enough...
I want to harm myself, I keep purging when I think about what happened.

Monday, March 3, 2008

News just in

Marie quoted something in my message to her on her facebook makes me smile.

I think that means I have an impact on her. A positive impact. I need her to be okay. I smile right now as I see her using my words.


A lot has happened of late. Let me try and state some positives.

  1. I am presenting my work to my peers in a seminar today
  2. Marie is having a difficult time; especially with self-harm. I wanted somehow to express my worry to her. I didn't for a few days; then I gave her a message, telling her that I looked up some self-harm website and there were some links with strategies to help her with her feelings. I was worried she'd be angry at me, but she seemed to appreciate it and so I gave her the link. I care about her so much.
  3. My disability student allowance has given me new equipment; I feel all kitted out now...but I'm waiting for the true icing on the cake. A mini mini computer!
  4. Lastly, Antonia has been very sad because she is coming to realise I don't want a relationship with her; but now she is a bit more maternal to me especially when I am feeling down and poorly. I really appreciate having a friend like her. I suppose she wants more, but at least I haven't cut her out of my life entirely. She makes me feel special...but am I using her?