Sunday, August 31, 2008


Today, this evening, I sit, no, lie here, on this bed. There have been many times like this; most have been shameful, one of hope, where I await to leave my flat to a new one. This flat that I have lived in over the past 2 months has represented the inadequacy of giving in essays late, of not applying for a PhD, and feeling anxious and unplanned to not plan applying for funding, PhD, or finding a flat to live.

But, perhaps today, perhaps now, perhaps ongoing, that is changing. For you see; I've secured a flat in good time. I've applied for benefits, I have a disability grant coming in, and I am going to apply for the Access to Learning fund. I have shown my PhD proposal to supervisors who say they like it. I have also potentially gotten a publication, I've lost my virginity and have had sex a few times more than a single hand can count.

Last year, (which is soon becoming an outdated referent) in my third year of uni. I was very fat, I was hairy, I ate frozen tinned food, I woke up at 8pm and scoured the city or places that were open, and often I would eat Mackies double cream flavoured ice cream; I ate for comfort, I ate fried, I ate it oily, I ate it crispy, I ate it salty, I ate it cold, I ate it reduced price, I ate it in its wrapping. As I walked I remember a specific walking route, as I walked I felt anger, elation (which was fake), loneliness, bitterness, ugliness, shame, regret, and hate.

This year, I may end with a glimmer of hope, maybe, just maybe, I got a chance of making it.

Back in my undergrad days I used to go home by bus, and I used to listen to a song on my MP3 player or CD player. A song would characterise a soundtrack for me; what was my leaving soundtrack, as I left the city of university, and entered the city of home. What song was mine? I felt awkward as I returned home. A false sense of happiness, a "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" forced sense of joy and contentment covered me. To some extent I hid it even from myself.

Sometimes I hated the days as I looked into the mirror and did not recognise my face. In school we were not allowed to grow facial hair. So, to have a thick beard, and long hair was to see a face I could not know. I was jealous. Why didn't it go like I imagined; having friends at halls, going to clubs, getting drunk, having sex, meeting girls, having girlfriends, getting a driving license, getting a car, working in a pub and being cool. Having 'home friends' and 'uni friends' instead of pretending to have uni friends and those people at uni who resembled friends, pretend you were the person who existed out of date a year ago, who hadn't moved on emotionally or otherwise.

Those days are in the past. Those days are over. In a way, they used to bring me great shame. That was what I dealed with when I talked to Marie. But, now, I am moving on. Slowly, but surely. Sometimes I feel there isn't any point, isn't any point in sending an email, filling out a form, getting out of bed, standing up, walking, moving out the door, moving down the corridor, moving out of the entrance of halls, moving down the road, going down the high street, going into the shop , having the courage to talk to the vendor, tell him or her "Hi there I saw a job vacancy and I'd like to hand in a CV" (It took me many times to actually refine that line to such finesse, by the way).

Those undergraduate days are over. I used to feel inadequate because I had no friends around and didn't go clubbing. Now, I feel almost ambivalent or nonchalant about the fact that I have abandoned many of my university friends, and only have a limited circle. In a way, I've hollowed out my social life without me even knowing, preoccupied either with my academic work, my illness, or Marie.

I didn't notice, I didn't see, right now, it doesn't bother me that it happened that way, but maybe one day it will. Maybe one day I will start to see the mistakes and flaws that Marie has. That I will start to see a different person and cease to love her. I think I don't love her, or my feelings have ceased to cause as many triggers or harm or distress. But Antonia is starting to become a little bit of a trigger. What would I rather have? The safer option would perhaps be to have no female interests around me. But any friends?? I don't know.

It would be good to have stability in your life, Marie once said. Given the economy, my illness, my degree subject and finances, I don't think normality is an option. But, a little part of me knows that I'm special.


for the past couple of days i have been taking an exceptional amount of sleeping pills.

woke up from a binge of one of them just now. I feel pretty rough, but sleeping is fun. I dont sleep enough these days

antonia says its bad and she wants to call an ambulance. i dont think its bad. Its like....there isn't a problem of purging until i'm really skinny, if im still fat then its work in progress

Saturday, August 30, 2008

phone conversations

I don't want to say too much about it cos it upsets me a lot...


Phone conversations with my parents are difficult emotionally. Further to that, I must say that the way that they reacted to my weight-loss is with almost disapproval. They talk in a way as if I am going to gain the weight again...

geez; how supportive.

Okya I don't want to say any more about it cos I want to be positive

Friday, August 29, 2008

another fatism

another fatism: carrying lots of things in your pockets, or carrying too many gadgets and things 'just in case' but where you may never, or its highly unlikely that, you will actually come to need it, and so you carry more on you, emotionally, physically; where letting go would by symbolic of not onyl better character, but better body...

does bread fly?

excuse me for seeming paranoid but I believe I have good reason to suspect something odd

I went to put my microwaveable burgers in the microwave. Okay fine.

I went to my room to wait for them to heat up and ate a couple of packets of crisp inthe time waiting.

As I came back, I opened the microwave door, and found two of the burger buns scrunched up and thrown onto the outside of the plate. My first thought was; maybe I left it in for too long and something happened like when food splashes and spits up on the microwave (which happens often for liquid food). But, on closer thought, that seems less and less likely. There was a distinct dug out hole in one bun, and two of the buns were perfectly in tact.

I don't want to suspect malice, but I feel I am forced to. Unless bread can fly in a microwave; these flatmates don't like me or are expressing disdain, my food is being distinctly missing and I am not imagining that I bought these products that I lost, as I have a receipt.

What is going on?

I am only here for at least the next couple of days, so...I'll get over it.

I'm willing to forgive, cos I also am guilty for bad things in this flat...its not as bad as what these people are doing to me (except in intent), so I feel a compensatory reasoning to apply here. Namely, I will compensate emotionally for the feeling of violation of what they are doing to me, to cope with this, I will think about how much I have gained and benefitted here.

I also tore up one of their cheques and used up some of their mail and tore it up.

Soon I will be out of this flat and my muslim housemates cannot hurt me anymore...

In positive news: (to reaffirm and feel positive), I applied for the disability living allowance, and sent off a job CV.

And its' only 11:30

Smiles ahoy

An anxiety trigger

Thinking about if I got Antonia pregnant at that one time the condom didn't work...


I've applied for disability allowance from the government. I mean, that's like benefits, but I'm trying to rationalise that I'm not a benefits cheat. I am actually disabled, and it does affect my daily life, and my self-support.

Also, i am in need of it to be more self-sufficient and I am applying for a PhD...

Today I'll try to smile.

Also, I applied online and I forgot to finalise the thing, I applied ages ago but forgot to like, um, how do you say, actually SUBMIT the application.

Today is positive...hopefully I'm eligible for government support (as well as my disability student allowance....) now all I need is to apply for Access to Learning Fund and PhD...

Now I have work to do!

Every step is a step forward.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

More theivery!

The flatmates of mine in this international student hostel are increasingly taking my food. I put most of my food in my room (as I've stated in a previous post) and now they have took my loaf of sainsbury's basics bread. That's low, man, I mean, that's pitifully low. Most people in the flat aren't students but international visitors or interns or both. I find a strange sense of xenophobia brewing insofar as these people never talk to me and are talking in their native language all the time (which is, for many, socially rude) in front of me and now, stealing my food?

I feel almost more pity than hate, despite that, I am quite pissed off.

Monday, August 25, 2008

am i attractive?

I'm sorry to be flippant.

That's the ultimate question.

Am I beautiful?
Am I special?

Am I...worthy

Am I good enough?

I feel so worthless, the way they treated me in hospital, was like I had no worth, no rights, no humanity. I feel that when people think good things of me, that maybe I am human...

Security risks

In response to my loss of food; I just put all of my food in my room; with the exception of a few articles; this shall be a test if they really are taking my stuff. I have left a definate quantity of food. That, if they take, i will have certainty that they took.

That, and it helps to pack up as i'm moving out next week...

Why I am not paranoid

Okay. I have a distinct feeling that my flatmates are stealing food from me.

1. Every time I buy milk and put it in the fridge, it goes away the next day; with no trace
2. Every time I have bought chocolate mousse, and a caramel-chocolate type desert from sainsburys, it gets missing
3. I have found 3 items of food from my pantry taken; two ramen noodle packets and some chocolate, both taken, and both found in the bin right next to it

This seems petty. I am feeling a bit of anger, but also, I feel that maybe I should be more charitable...

Sunday, August 24, 2008


I used to buy clothes that were big because I was afraid tigfht clothes would make me look fat and add to my inadeuqacy

I would buy clothes to hide my fat. Bigger sizes, bigger clothes to hide my curves.

Whyen I started purging, I bought clothes, kept small articles of clothing...or so I thought of 'small'. So that one day when I found it, I wore and it would fit. I am wearing some tight trousers as I am packing for my new flat...I find that they are fitting, but painful; they are still tight. I still have work to do.

The news about antonia is very upsetting for me right now. I am avoiding the want to purge. Why am I not purging? That's the big question that I can't answer. I can't find an answer; but I feel I will try to fight this in other ways. I'll go to the gym, for one...

well at least I haven't eaten anything....

got a text message from Antonia.

"I think I found my true love. He's an astronomer and goes surfing."

Well. I just woke up, feel like shit.

But at least I have an empty purging is quite redundant

Friday, August 22, 2008


one flaw i have is being too naive and trusting.

was i too naive about marie?

I don't like where this is leading me.

This situation is hard right now.


i was thinking.

purging is compensation behaviour.

Me (inadequate)
life (desperate)

response: purging

Somehow purging is to make it better; even if indirectly

the son rises

tried to tell my parents about all the stuff going on.

they didn't want to hear it.

Not only they, they express disapproval.

why doesn't anyone want me to hve a phd?
tried to tell my parents about all the stuff going on.

they didn't want to hear it.

Not only they, they express disapproval.

why doesn't anyone want me to hve a phd?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

P(lace is) h(ar)D

My situation:

I'm applying for a PhD. (That's the ultimate goal)


I need to find a place to live if I get a PhD
I don't know if I get in
I don't have the money to pay for rent...yet

Money? get a job, right?

Sending applications
No reply
Not sure if I can work cos I'm feeling very ill, anxious, depressed, tired, distressed
Even if I get a job, it may not necessarily be enough to support myself to study

Issues with working: Part time or ful time?
Full time...enough money, not enough time or energy to make a doctoral degree...
Part time...maybe enough money, maybe not
Part time...similar, but not as bad problem with having enough time and energy to do both
Time and energy is not something I have
Still not heard from applications
I don't think I'll be good for a job anyway

I don't want to say any more about this anymore...I mean I want to like express this, so that I can find some way to cope.

In the process of typing up this post. I went to the toilet and purged. I purged milk. The fat separated from the rest of it so there were lots of white lumps, it also went over my brand new corduroy trousers...its pretty undignified...

i can't cope

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Many tasks expend an amount of physical, and emotional energy; such that if i use up all my energy; or attention on a task, I'm totally spend for a day...

I have to recognise that I have a limited range of things I can do in the day.

I know I have the necessaries at times; paying bills, for instance, finding a flat...

But sometimes those things I expend too much energy on, and then...don't get my ACADEMIC work done.

So I formulated something called the Conatus units (C-units henceforth known).

Every day I learn and negotiate with myself; learn how much I can do before I reach my limit, learn what sort of things are expensive to 'buy' in a day, and I negotiate how to work aboud these things without everything getting on top of me.

I feel that 3 Conatus (don't forget, Conatus means striving) units is the amount I should try to reach every day.

I feel like...that's enough as a safe limit before I get distressed.

Today...i did 7 conatus points.

Phonecalls: 3 conatus
Emailing on gumtree: 1 conatus
Emailing on university website accomodation directory: 1 conatus
Making a fuss about not getting my deposit at the estate agent: 1 conatus
Giving in my CV's to job applications: 1 conatus (sometimes 2 conatus)
Laundry: 1 conatus

What makes a conatus unit

Things are difficult for me by the amount of movement needed for a task; the amount of unfamiliar adaptation to a situation (particularly conversation on the phone, or emailing). Sustaining concentration; sustaining attention (which differs from concentration) for an extended period of time.

Yeah I'm fucking jealous

Arsehole guy in grad school; with his effeminate I don't care attitude, never doing any reading and basically siphoning off people's knowledge instead of doing the hard read, has gotten a PhD Studentship...

It upsets me cos I decided not to take it.


Because although it was related to some of my areas. I thought, my heart was more into another different area. But I could have 'sold out' and did the studentship and research project to be all cool and its a fashionable project and prestigious.

This guy...I don't like him. He just seems so full of shit and has no effort; and he is very fickle, saying he will do stuff and loses interest sooner after that.

Yeah, i'm jealous cos I am not doing so good about finding a flat to live in, getting a job. I think I am too ill to get a job.

And my Dissertation is not done at all.

But, its not a good idea to make this complaint external to me.

Its my problem and situation that I need to deal with, it doesn't help my situation to just bitch about him.

But it helps to vent.

My next post may be on the C system I am formulating

saying something flippant

I told marie about the incarceration so frankly...its way too intimate to repeat it all in a sentence.

Here's something else flippant: I have blisters on my fingers from using them to put down my throat to throw up and the regularity of it is taking its toll on my skin

Thus it is demonstrated.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Emotional weight

I've found, that when I have the strenght to do something; that is possibly the best, and more importantly, the ONLY time I am able to do it. For me, given my anxiety, exhaustion, triggers and depression; it quite literally is carpe diem or bust for me.

I have this disability mentor and she used to say; to arrange few tasks that are manageable in the day, rather than big tasks that are impossible to do and discouraging cos they are all at once.

Further to that. I only have enough strength in me to carry out a limited number of tasks and then I am all spent. This is not just physically but emotionally.

I find it difficult emotionally to send an email. to initiate contact.

So: emotionally heavy (and anxiety-bringing) emails of late are:

i. Asking for a job
ii. Asking about housing
iii. Asking about things relating to PhD application...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Applying to Monty Hall

That's a phrase that the guy said. I hope we are not wasting your time. I went to a viewing today.

Didn't get it.

But; I'm trying to be positive.

Today I went to view a flat that I wanted to live in. Also, got a reply from a job application

Didn't get either of them. Kind of feel sad about that....cos It took my a lot of effort to get out of bed today and go to the viewing

The positive thing is...

it's all probability.

In studies of probability there is a thing called the monty hall problem:

Imagine a game show, where you are given three boxes; two have nothing in it; one of them has a prize. The likelyhood is 1/3 to get the prize. You pick a box, one of the boxes is shown NOT to have the prize. So, if you change your box; you get a 1/2 chance of getting the prize. But....if you keep going and stick with your current box; you get 1/3 because you picked originally one of three...but, one is removed; so the knowledge you have is 1/3 + 1/3 because you have new information.

So sticking through with the box you have and keep going...gets you 2/3 instead of changing your mind and getting 1/2.

That's my positive...if I keep going, I'm gonna get lucky

I'm gonna be positive...i'm crying right now and i'm sad...but one more rejection means one less rejection until I get the place I can live in, till I get the job I can work in...

I hope I get into my PhD programme

pep talk

I am sending lots of applications for flats to live in after the tenancy ends this month
I am sending lots of job applications...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i'm only going to tell you this....and no one else

I've applied for state benefits.

A Disability Living Allowance; which will add to my Disability Student Allowance.

I hope i get it; it will mean I will have more money to support my student life...and live.

I really want this.

Am I scrounging off the state? There is an apparent stigma about claiming benefits; saying that they are single mothers who are evil and draining the state...

Am I draining the state? I do know this....they are gonna save my life and make it better if this happens.

That's the proper role of government, is it not?

Now, I need to justify my worth to British society. Oh I feel proud to be British (well british asian...)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

vote of no confidence

my parents don't really support my PhD

they don't even know what a PhD is...

it feels like a vote of no confidence (like the one with Moriarty) from my family

they used to think my interest in the piano was just a hobby

this upsets me so much that I can't say anything about these feelings beside these empty skeletal words

Friday, August 15, 2008

not talking

you know, minus MSN conversations with certain people; I hardly talk to anyone.

I hardly talk to anyone, and even the people i do; they don't know me intimately.

And you know what?

Im not even sure that bothers me.

it used to; i used to feel really depressed in my first year of uni, cos I spent days not talking to anyone and feeling isolated.

Not to say I am any happier; but, I guess in a way i've accepted it; but i have new problems now. New things to distress me; for instance, i just purged...but like...there wasn't any food in me. It was just a fucking energy drink that i had after leaving the gym that i purged.

That and acid, got to love the acid.

acid purge...a dry heave one may call it.
i need someone to talk to.

is anyone out there??

I can't cope

almost a good day....almost

so, the stucture of my day goes something like this....

Edit paper for a journal to submit.
take a break to eat
feel tired, go to sleep for a while,
wake up...

as i wake; I hear news from moriarty, and marie of such nature to distress me.

I almost felt good about myself today....almost

Now I'm gonna purge.
It's almost unfortunate, it's almost sad.

I felt a sense of achievement today, I felt positive and going to move forward.

so today, I ate two bananas and beans & toast.

hopefully I still have it inside me. I feel quite distressed, to put my finger lightly on it.

just thinking about drinking lots of water, going on my knees, and a comfort. To actually do it, is the only thing I have.

Come on, it was just a blip of a bad feeling I am having. Purge, then you will feel better...
Oh God, I feel so out of control I can't grab hold onto anything..

Fucking moriarty......I want to scream.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

feeling better about myself

one way to feel better about myself:

look at how fat and ugly my old school friend and uni alumni have ended up; with their ugly and inferior boyfriends and girlfriends, and their broken dreams.


That's the only thing I want to say


they are so FAT, as if thats a bad thing.


they are fat, as if thats the only way to escape my own inadequacy...

"its not about you"

that's the one message I don't often remember.

sometimes you care about people too much, you forget to try to see things from their view; and forget, that, often, its not about you. That is, one and another of my faults

Monday, August 11, 2008


I'm a vindictive person. But to certain people.

I realise now. I fixate on the people who hurt me the most.

I'm lonely. Just ate a 6 pack of cookie biscuit thingies

I feel so lost
there are so many words

so many memories


maybe, once I talk about them all, get them all out of me.

There will be nothing left; as it is, as it should be, as it always has been.

I am but an empty jar; memories come and go; and though they come, they always go.

In the is always nothing that remains of me, never something.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Recently, I've been finding a bit of resistance to purging...

like, a lack of motivation...

i don't know why

Part of me doesn't want to do it.

I feel like a trigger cos...
I can't tell you my trigger, its too painful

Right now I am entering data into my Laptop of my old receipts so I don't have to hold a physical copy anymore

Saturday, August 9, 2008


This night, I have been mostly eating chilli.

Chilli is painful; and apparently it boosts metabolism.

Anything that is painful and helps me lose weight has got to be good!

Friday, August 8, 2008


1. Professor bigwig at the university said that he (in principle) would be willing to supervise my PhD)
2. Professor bigwig suggested he would talk to an even bigger bigwig in the department who may be willing to supervise
3. Postgraduate Journal of making-me-look hard on my CV said that I can get published IF I revise my essay into something more neat

I did purge before I saw Prof. Bigwig.

Now, I need to sort out going to apply for jobs...

Wish me luck.
Positive day, granted that I spent most of it wanking and getting up late feeling miserable :)


I have 3 pairs of jeans from primark, a pair of cords from that japanese shop, uniqlo, and lots of gap shirts.

thats about all my clothes.

I was looking at a pic from the past.
I used to wear XXL shirts, and 40' waist.

Today I found my 34' jeans to be...tight.

I need to purge. as I publishthis post i shall now purge....


Tuesday, August 5, 2008

post gym

just come back from the gym.

I decided.

After being such a good boy at working out until my arms and legs are sore. I earned my right to purge.

I feel so distressed.

She understood how I felt. Now she's gone. I cannot emphasise how special and important and significant it was for me to be understood. How wonderful it felt to be understood...and cared for.

Now I'm alone. and I just want to scream. I just want to scream until the skies break.


I shall say.


I'm not there yet, but every time I get up from being knocked down, and move forward more and more, I shall ever skirt nearer.

I've worked it out. I need to be perfect.

That's the only way. I am not sure why it has to be this way, but I feel this must be so. I must be perfect.

If I'm perfect maybe if she comes back, she will care for me again.
If I'm perfect maybe I will be happy
If I'm perfect maybe the pain will go away
If I'm perfect maybe, somehow, I can't work out how or why or any details of this...I feel it will all be worries, no distress, no problems, just bliss.

It's skirting to an illusion isn't it?

I have this deep feeling inside of me, this deep need. I don't know how to express it or even how to articulate it.

The only way I can cope with this deep emptiness, this deep despair, this deep need, is to try and fit this need to something. I need to be better.

Things gotten bad
Its my fault

If I were better then I might be competent enough not to make mistakes and make things bad:

: therefore, I must improve

I was never good at practical reasoning.

I earned my purge.

I don't care what you say, I need this. I have to have this. I have nothing else. I have nothing else to hold on to.


All I can hold on to is the comfort I get in harming myself.

All I can hold on to is the feeling of relief that comes when I purge, the feeling of Mia cuddling me, stroking my hair, telling me it's going to be alright, gently, she wipes the tears from my cheek, my face is soft, delicate, perfect alabaster skin, my skin is not moist but not dry, the perfect texture of softness and sensuality, my body is perfect, my comfort complete.

I want to hold onto that feeling...beauteous imagery aside.

The other reality of Mia is's not a cuddle, it's that God-awful smell, that smell of burning death that emanates from the toilet bowl, my hands sore, my throoad burning, I desperately push my fingers down my throat in the broken hope, the striving will to achieve relief. Begging mia to come to me, begging her to comfort me. I NEED YOU, I say with my fingers as they massage my tonsils. I feel the rise coming. I feel so used to it, I expect it, I hope for it, the orgasm of hope arises. GUSH! Out it comes from within my depths, the beautiful, ugly, horrid, hopeful, despairing, joyful, disgusting, cuddly, lonely, friendly, exhausting, motivating mush of my past meal, the acid gleans my throat. It's a good sign of progress if the acid burns my throat. I like it when I purge so much that my throat hurts to the end that my voice changes. That gives me a real sense of achievement. I do it for you, Mia; because I need you. I am so desperate for hope and joy, that those things have left me completely, and all I have is the empty desire of that which does not refer. The hope for that I can never have. The desire for some kind of happiness when I know happiness cannot be sought or found.

And after the purging goes away, my mood temporarily of elation fades; I am back on earth, Mia is nowhere to be found, my stomach is empty, no more contributions or sacrifices I am able to give her, so I cannot summon her. I feel miserable again, or do I? Maybe I feel miserable, but I feel a little sense of...not being as bad. It's a feeling of misery, but misery is at least one step up from despair.

I don't care if it takes my life. I need this. Marie is gone. Get over it, is what someone hard on me but realistic should say.

Get over it; some other girl might come one day.

I fucking hell doubt it. No one compares to Marie, not even Mia...

but...maybe I can live in misery with Mia, than complete dispair without Marie....

Therefore, purging is good...purging is my solution...

Misery is what I feel; but, it's one up from suicidal despair...perhaps this is as good as it gets...i'm not unlucky. I accept this. Why can't you accept what I do too? Why can't you accept that I need this?? That the doctors make my body go fat with their fucking drugs; they make me drowsy so I can't do uni work; they make it worse for me for drugs that do everything but make me better.

How fucking dare any of you say that I am irresponsible. How fucking dare any of you say that what I'm doing is wrong. It's not fair for you to say that. I have no other way out...unless you want me to kill myself, I'm assuming you want my let me purge. Please let me purge....
I can't cope with all of these things.

I want to be an academic, I want to be called 'Doctor', I want the perfect body, I want the world to be alright, I want Marie to be okay, I want Marie....

I want just to collapse, I feel so weak, the sound of the kitchen taunts me.

I want just to have no strength in my body, not even to move, to type, just to faint, to collapse, so that I cannot physically move on, and I will be under the will of nature, if I am incapable, then it cannot be my fault....

I want to faint, to collapse, to drop in complete exhaustion and bodily nutritional depletion, to destroy my body and tear it to shred s from the inside, so that I will never wake up again. I will be captured in Mia's sleep; Mia's cuddle, forever...that's the closest thing to love I can ever have now...

Take me away from here, to a better place.

I feel my tummy rumbling now...feels so painful...I wouldn't have it any other way. I have to hold on to hunger for my dear life. It's all I have that is permanent, I need to hold on to this hunger, this starvation, it's going to pull me through out of this nightmare. It's going to make everything better. Marie is gone, but I'm still here. Starving myself gives me the only hope I have, the hope that I can change things, the hope that I can improve myself. It's only my body, but it's a start.


Today has been a good day by many accounts; I emailed the bigwig professor in the department, who will meet with me in a few days to talk about my PhD proposal...oh my God that is big!

So, I felt a little emotionally drained today from building up to that. I did it right in the morning as well.

Okay; so I lie down in the afternoon for a while cos I felt a bit giddy. Now I get up, about 4pm; get the laundry out of the washing machine. I find it such a chore, such a heaviness about trying to get up and do something so small, move my shoes to look neat on the floor, pick up all the mess to tidy my desk.

When I look at my desk, I despair at how many things are on it, and I think about doing it, and thinking about tidying it makes me feel a bit more stressed, and eventually, I get the courage to tidy up my desk; then put the clothes in my cupboard (also note: I have very few clothes because having lots of things make me anxious. It's a chore to get out of bed, get out of the door, go into the laundry, get the clothes out, walk back with this heavy load, worried about who I might bump into, if I have small talk with the friendly international students.

I am busying myself with very irrelevant but tasks that are on my calendar; one task I had to do just now; vacuum my room (there is lots of hair and dirt on the floor!). As I got the vacuum out of the kitchen; I just got a trigger-thought; of Marie not talking to me anymore. I miss her so much, and my life seems so empty without her, and part of me feels, that I cannot accept that life has to be this way; I cannot accept that she is gone, I don't talk to her at all anymore, and that she's not around, and that I must live the rest of my life without her.

As I picked up the vacuum, I thought to myself; after I finish this job; I will purge. I will let Mia give you some strength, Mia will give me some strenght to cope, Mia is giving me a lovely lovely drug, that drug of the feeling, the feeling of coping; coping with life, coping with the future, coping with being alone and most of all, coping with life without Marie, knowing that someone so beautiful and wondrous exists.

I wonder if she is happy now. If she is, that's good; but, in a way, it doesn't affect my mood any less or more if she were. Because I'm not a part of her life anymore.

WHen I feel distressed, I fantasise about the comfort of purging. I ate about like 5 hours ago now...but still maybe there is something in me...maybe there is something left to lose.

I have only my PhD to look forward to, and that's gonna be hard cos I don't have any money.

I am listening to a song right now; and there was a phrase...Strike while the iron is hot. That phrase is a trigger. Why? Because the doctor said that when I was incarcerated. Oh God...another trigger.

I've decided right now; instead of purging after I clean up. I'm going to the gym...

I'm gonna go to the gym and push myself until there is no more in me. Push myself and think about Marie, think about her with other guys, having sex, falling in love, all living a life of happiness without me, and maybe the distress will turn into strenght to push my muscles as I push those weights. I am going to transform my body...I don't know why, I don't even know what I want to achieve...but something in me is telling me; its either this agony of weight training in the gym...or purging.

I can't reason about it; my reasoning is that purging is better...

I'll make myself a promise...after I've worked the shit out of my body...I'll purge.

Can't say fairer than that, right?

But...why should I not purge? it seems so spurious to my motivational set, seems so...alien to my desires, to my inclinations, to my future wants....this feels alien to me to not purge, to fight mia...

I don't want to.

Maybe this is what Marie would have wanted me to do? I feel like...maybe she'd want me to stop purging...but I don't want to

Antonia made me say to myself. I am willing to change.

I'm distressed as fuck.

I'm off to the gym, see ya...

trigger phrases

1. Strike while the Iron is hot (I just remembered that now as I am writing another post)
2. "We're on your side"

I can think of some others but they aren't as strong trigger phrases

Minor potential triggers:

1. Sectioning
2. Care in the community
3. Names of drugs that I was once on
4. Duty of care


Today I have done the following positives, or the following positives have happened:

1. The prescription drug problem is okay for the next month
2. Emailed potential supervisors
3. Arranged meeting with 1 potential supervisor
4. Got my PDA returned


1. Less anxiety
2. Pride
3. Motivation
4. Hope
(5. I might use my disability allowance to fund part of my degree...)


Negatives remaining:

1. I miss Marie
2. I still have a lot of work to do
3. I need to sort out if I can do my PhD; AND, further, I need to get over her

I feel like...maybe one day; I'll be new, I'll be transformed...

body clock

The body is a seen as a regulaion of functions in many ways; if it reacts in an irregular way; then it's as if it's telling you something is up: normal function is off a bit.

My index fingers, my knee, my eyes, my neck, my back, and my genitals are having a bit of an itch at the moment...i do have a skin condition triggered by stress; i think the fingers are due to purging acid though...

am I scared? I think on a scale of 1-10, I'm moving up from 1, to 2.

Monday, August 4, 2008

f-ugly guys

I've seen some fat fucking ugly guys who have beautiful and wonderful girlfriends.

Well done to them.

But it makes me wonder; what happens to the other guys? The skinny, and the medium sized....

do they get gorgeous girls, or ugly girls, or no girls, or are gay?

Sure, correlations are lacking subtlety; but I think an ugly guy who is with a beautiful girl is displacing an attractive guy; so what would an attractive guy have?

I wonder where I would fit weight class has changed.

I've not been to a club or a 'dating'/'pulling' situation since my new body has emerged. I wonder if I could pull...not that I want to, but I'm curious

angry again

like the megadeth song...

how do I express this anger in a non violent way?

I'm not sure. But the longer it stays in me i feel it draining my very character.

feeling the urge

feeling the (p)urge at the moment...

I thought to myself; purging is the only way that I am made to be special.

And if that were true; how horribly cruel is the world...

But I already know that the world is cruel.

Current mood: miss Marie...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

a serious fault

1. I am selfish to the end of being narcicissistic (sic)
2. I am cruel
3. I cannot love anyone but marie...

I am willing to change.

I must be a better person

why should I be a better person? Because maybe being better will make me happy.



the longer she is gone, and that I have to move on with life.

The more she seems a distant fading memory...

Is this getting over her? Maybe

I feel it is more losing a big and important part of me in order to move on with the future..but I don't want to lose it. I don#t want to lose that part of me.

I want to hold on to it with everything I can....I can't