Friday, December 30, 2011

Christmas for other people

It's 3am right now. I am not tired but I am overrun by things to do and to think about. I spent the last 3 hours trying to plan my week, with job applications, PhD proposals, two parties and gym every day for the next week. Maybe I'll say what I've done over the past few days:

Thursday: training, a bit of book review reading, falling asleep out of fatigue; planning the next few days

Wednesday: Training, job search, skyrim

Tuesday, First day of my friend's training regime, ended early, met up with some guys for computer game madness

Monday: Boxing day, some family awkwardness

Sunday; Christmas day, visited some family friends, played monopoly until ridiculous o'clock, I got some nice presents as it happens as well.


Now lets talk about other people. I've been an observer this Christmas. I've been thinking about how the year has been for other people around me and not just myself. Two stories come to mind right now.

One is of a family friend, back when I lived in bristol I was tight with this family that lived in a town in somerset. They have two kids, one is nearly the age of my brother, the other nearly the age of my sister. The younger one is seen as a bit of a dullard by other people, but I've always thought the world of him when I was little since he was older (that old one). This fellow has had some hardships over the years, he's been keen on joining the armed forces but keeps getting turned down, one time they said his 'hands were too rough' or that he was 'too short'. Despite this he has always been active and always pushes himself. I admire him as a determined individual although I did see a sense of sadness and isolation in recent years.

Recent gossip from his mother is that he is no longer seeing a girlfriend of over a year, and is now seeing another girl. Now it is a sign of how judgmental my family are and how judgmental his parents are that they emphasise how the girlfriend (whom he is no longer seeing) has children. With that they add how he spends so much money on them, with the implication in their inflection that they do not approve of this, or that these children don't deserve gifts. The other insight from his mother is that his new girlfriend is 17 years old. That immediately invites judgment from people. My mum told my sister's mother in-law this story and she went on in a diatribe about how 17 is too young and how she disapproves. My sister's mother in law is opinionated about many things, she makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Another observation is from an online friend. I've known her for maybe 6-7 years now. At the time she was severely mentally ill, she held a few jobs but couldn't hold them down for long, and was in and out of the hospital. It's fair to say that her life was pretty shit, she had bipolar disorder and it really wasn't easy for her. As a depressed person myself we used to chat. I used to be a very angry and insensitive person at that time, and I said things that I regret saying to her. I think perhaps she also said things that she regrets, but I hold nothing bad against her. It's fair to say that I did develop feelings for her at some point. After a while of not hearing from her, I built contact with her again. I found out that she turned her life around, she met a new guy, she was doing a foundation degree and she got married.

Carol (so I'll name her) is a really determined person, she's in her 3rd year of med school and will soon enough be a doctor. I really admire how far she has come from hopping between mental hospital beds to being the student doctor, it actually makes me jealous. Carol used to envy me because I could at least control my depression to survive unviersity and I only ended up in hospital once, and in elss worse circumstances than her. All things considered, I didnt have it as hard as she ever did. I'm envious of how well Carol is doing now, med school and marriage is something that would have been a distant dream to anyone in a mental hospital, she really did make it out of there. To contrast, in some ways, my mind is still in that horrible place.

Carol told me that her marriage has ended, her husband said she didn't love her anymore and things had been difficult for a while. I  was utterly shocked when I told her and I felt incredibly sad. I know that she's come so far, and then something like that happens. I didn't know what to say to her, but I thought I might say: You'll pull through, I know it. But the thing is I don't know that. I do know that she's been to hell and back. Maybe, this isn't hell, so maybe she could survive this with less difficulty. I did tell her, and I felt horribly cliche at this point, that I was there for her at any time if she wanted to chat or talk about it. I felt disingenous because my feelings for her get in the way, I feel much sympathy and sadness for her, and it reminds me of how  I used to be with Marie, I felt that I wanted so badly to save her, to rescue her and make it better.

Face it, man, I can't 'save' her, she has to sort out her own problem. I can't make things better for people, I can't prevent tragedies. I feel this deep need inside me that I want to just make it go away for her. Carol represents so much hope to me, seeing her in this situation scares me deeply. Carol represents recovery, and the hope that someone who was in the bell jar can escape it.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve as a 25 year old

Dear Diary,

My hangover has passed. I didn't intend to drink. I didn't foresee that I would drink either. Maybe I'll start today by talking about two related topics. Firstly, on this Christmas Eve of all Christmas Eves, I don't particularly feel happy about everything, nor do I feel overly down. I'm kind of in the middle. There are some good things and some bad things. I'll talk about that later in the section entitled 'sympathy'. What I will talk about now is 'yesterday'.


What did I do yesterday, I did some training with my friend at the gym, then I ate some burger king which was quite evil. However all things considered I only ate twice yesterday. I then did some clearing up. I received my shifts for January, which weren't many, it just barely makes the term shifts as plural. I will have lots of 'off' time in January. Which is fitting considering that November was all busy, December so far has been pretty busy as well. I should expect a big crash just after New Years. Everything is going to wind down and slow up. All the fun stuff is happening now, and then its dead again. That is what really depressed me about New Years past.

I got a text from Antonia to be a model for a massage class, which in turn meant I had a massage. I then found a conflict situation emerging in the class, I tried to talk to the person, and I found myself getting angry. I don't want to go into details but I would have gotten violent, and I realised this ugly hate inside myself and I left the class immediately because I saw a very unattractive part of myself. Feeling upset, I recieved a text from a friend saying that they were planning to go out that night, and I joined them.

We ended up drinking a bottle of scotch together and it was mighty fine, I had a good laugh with those boys and a bit of a cry, I say cry because we were crying with laughter. We then proceeded (I was reluctant) to a bar in Soho, it was nice for a while, I refused to have any more alcohol. I left after about 45 minutes because as I told my friends in terms they could understand 'I wasn't feeling it'. They seemed to have understood this obscure phrase but for me it meant that I felt down, felt tired and my anxiety was reaching its limits. On the way home I had another burger king meal (meal two) and tried to find myself around to get home after the last tube just left. I found myself on Trafalgar square where these two African tourists approached me asking where Charing Cross was. I then pointed literally to my 10 o'clock and told them that was where charing cross was. I then noted that the station would probably be closed by now and asked where they were heading. They said Earls' Court.

I decided just on the spur of the moment that I would help them get home. I walked with them to find a bus stop which would take them home and I was very friendly with them. I showed a side to myself that I forget exists inside of me. I helped them after about 10 minutes find a bus to get to their hotel, they were very appreciative, and I was very happy not only that I could help, but also that I could give a good image of the British public. I felt in some way it gave a very mixed image of who I am especially considering the confrontation earlier. On the bus home I was almost crying, lots of things were hanging on my head and upsetting me. I'm really glad that the night bus ended pretty close to my home. I should keep that in mind in the next instance I ever consider going home from a night out in the West End.


I thought one way to frame my feelings about this festive period of time is to talk about sympathy. This year I've had a very different perspective on the world, and on others compared to other Christmases, except for a couple of days ago when my dad gave me a cash present, I wasn't thinking about how I would personally benefit from xmas presents. I've heard different stories of many other families around me. One family has two male members dealing with (I wouldn't say 'suffering') depression and other related mental health issues. There was a bereavement in their family, and good friends of theirs died. One of them lost their best friend, because he's disabled has his DLA cut, and really has little to no life prospects. The other person in that family has been dealing with depression which is severe enough to affect his performance at work, and he may be dismissed if he's on sick leave for too long. Depression happens in real people, I wear an ushanka, have long hair and a handlebar moustache, I'm not a 'real' person by most stretches of the imagination. I feel sad for them, I appreciate that their life, and their times in general are difficult.

I think Christmas highlights the good and bad things in life. I spared a thought for my ex, while there are some family instabilities, she has a lovely boyfriend now and she treats her well. Good for her, I'm happy that she can have time to be happy and joyous and indulgent. There is another family that I know, who are essentially broken up this year. The father (my uncle) has died, my aunt has gone to Canada to see her new grandson, and my cousin is on her own without them this year. I think of her this year and I will make an effort to visit her. There are other families who have members dealing with illness as well, financial hardships and other kinds of instabilities. There is a couple that I know who had a son the age of my sister who died almost 2 years ago now. My mum visited his grave, apparently there were lots of other people visiting graves today, as they remember the dearly departed. I share a sense of sadness as I think of them. I see the homeless as well who deal with much challenge, it's bitterly cold sometimes and finding housing, tolerance, and employment can be even more frosty than the physical hardships of living rough. There's so much heaviness in the world, I've not even thought about my own life and I can get very upset.

There are good things as well. New life, new loves and relationships. My brother and brother in law's brother have girlfriends who are very devoted and to whom they are very devoted; my friends are facing prospects and achievements in their work and career; for many friends they are going through the best of their lives. If years were a season, I am in the April or May of my youth. 25 is the year where I can be both mature and young. I do feel youth passing me quickly as the heavier things seem to get on my mind. There are a lot of parties, a lot of drinking, a lot of eating, merriment, but what I like the most is the camaraderie and laughter of friends and family. Nothing lifts my soul more than a joke and the brotherhood of my boys (since most of my friends are predominantly male, and we do male things together, like have naked showers and do deadlifts). As Christmas passes and goes, I think of these people and many more who go through this day. I also think about Jesus. How wouldwe think of a married couple, where the mother is carrying the child of another man, where they are desperately poor and so poor that they have to be around horse shit in a stable as that's the only place that is closest to warmth. That would probably sound to a modern audience like an anecdote from Jeremy Kyle. I will add a coda to this blog post, namely an answer to the question: what will you (as in me) be doing for Christmas?

My Christmas.

Today my mum is making a lovely roast. Tomorrow we will be dining well, my brother is coming over. I'm not sure if his girlfriend is coming. I will recieve presents as well as give them. We will eat together, maybe laugh together, remember the past, and maybe hope for the future. I might be on my computer trying to catch up on my job searching and other tasks that I've put off for the past few days. There is a plan to visit a family friend and engage in some christmas karaoke (oh dear). Boxing day will involve a visit to my sister and there is the prospect of getting more gifts, and seeing the family that is joined together by marriage and the shared sense of awkwardness that we are culturally different. We are london grown suburban working class minority ethnic catholics with surrey upper middle class (sometimes i forget the middle is there) skiing white anglicans. I'm not saying that there is tension in the family, far from it by any means. However I do feel on edge with my parents and with myself, especially with their family because I want to be polite and I don't know them very well. Also there is the prospect of more food. There is also the prospect of lots of gym after the 26th. There is New Years Eve, New Years day, and a few days where my friends might still be in town to get together. After around the 5th, things start to get quiet and I'm off work until the 25th. That's when it gets emotionally challenging.

Everything kicks off right now for about 10 days and life feels like a dream, going merrily well. Eventually the boat goes down a waterfall after January and then I'm all alone again. I'm a bit emotionally distant because I'm preparing myself for that. So that's how I feel about Christmas. Maybe if I'm still writing memoirs when I'm 50, I'll write this post again sometime.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Diary,

To a limited extent, I have been treating the days recent as any other day. I know however that its not just any other day, it's the lead up to Christmas. My thoughts have been preoccupied and I haven't been as focussed today. I went to the gym today, early as it happens, and did a second consecutive training session. 8 more to go. Yesterday was fairly busy, I had to sort out the problem with the shirt from uniqlo, then tighten my glasses only to find that the problem wasn't fixed (it's probably an issue of a worn out thread of the screw).

This afternoon I was chatting to someone on facebook, a girl from my support group that I run asking for some advice. I advised as best I could. I had a bit of an emotional trigger while chatting to her, and I'd be lying if I didn't say it affected me in a small way. So it's 3pm now, i've been invited to be a 'model' for a bodywork teaching class (long story) and I think I might go and appreciate the 'free' massage while other people watch me. I would quite benefit from a massage right now. There are so many different thigns that I need to do but I'm paying no attention to. I'm not sure if I'm tired or just not bothered.

Yesterday a lot happened in terms of meeting people. Today less so, the coming few days will continue to be busy, so I'm not quite sure if or when I'll get everything done

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Cursed virtues

Dear Diary,

Monday was pretty productive. Tuesday not so much. I did pilates for the first time on Monday and Tuesday I felt exceptionally sore. I was genuinely going to skip it as my quads are worn out. I'm barely able to stand as it is. Tuesday (note that its 00:47 on a wednesday so I can't say 'Today') I caught up with my book reivew and played skyrim for ages. I played a bit of piano and then I got upset. A lot of things are eating away at me right now. The job market, my limited prospects, a low self esteem, bulimia memories, darker memories from the past are resurfacing. I'm remembering when I was 18 and I didnt have many friends at university. I hated how I had all these expectations and it didn't materialise. I just dropped like a lead balloon, and then I popped, like a fart.

I feel like such a loser. I really need to work hard. Maybe objectively speaking, one day this feeling of inadequacy might make me seem sexy and dark (not to say that it may to some women already). I fucking hate this feeling and I cant shake it off. Well, sometimes I can shake it off but only when I'm really active and I'm pushing myself. I feel that's the only way I can let go of this feeling of inadequacy. Maybe that or getting results.There's a lot I miss about purging, at home my mum is nagging my dad, and my dad is just having a throaty cough and doesn't speak in full sentences. There is a lot which is dragging my down mentally and emotionally, they make me feel like I cant be myself. I think that's how my neighbour felt, the one who drank himself silly and died at 33. My great fear is that I don't want to be him. My dad often looks at people on the news or on the telly and ridicules how bad their life is. Why can't my dad say when people show good qualities, why does he always have to think about the bad in people.

It is something all of my friends know as a trait in me, but they don't see it like that: they think 'I'm funny'. It's not funny, when its self-hate and despair.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tomorrow will be a better day, but today wasn't so bad either.

Dear Diary,

A lot of things go through my mind on any given day, and from time to time I get ideas of things that I need to deal wtih, but they happen so spontaneously that I forget to put them down when I'm actually around my computer, or it just passes through my hands like sand and I forget what I was thinking about, usually because other things get in the way. Today was definately an instance of having too much to think about.

I sorted out some loose lightbulbs today, I got a new shovel and worked out how it works (I know how stupid that sounds); I got more presents for xmas, with luck it will be the last of my present buying, except for a bottle of baileys that is obligatory for my friends. I got presents for my dad, my mum, and two potential women who may visit (such as my sister's mother in law, or my brother's girlfriend). Today I sorted out the odd bits that I needed to deal with. I have a gym pass that lasts 12 days for guests, and I am thinking about inviting a couple of friends to train with me over xmas. Both of them said yes, and there is something manly and brotherly about the prospect of training together.

After I got home, I then went out again to finish my errands. If I had more time and money I would have gotten a haircut as well. It's amusing how much I would do because the internet was down this morning and afternoon! Once I got home I was settling in and doing small tasks, I didn't go as far ahead with my tasks as I would have liked, but I did give a CV at a bar and that is a sign that I'm putting myslef out there, and it is a bit of a concession to say: yeah the job market isn't going to get any better, I'll just dig in somewhere to get money for work, because I really need the money and career goes into the shitter. Not that there is anything wrong with bar work, its just something that isn't part of my skill set (namely dealing with people, being happy all the time in appearance).

Tomorrow I plan to help out at the community garden, and then I hope to do some carol singing. It sounds like a plan, if it actually goes through. I also will need to post some letters off.

Lots to do, but I am not 'behind' as such today. It was a pretty good day for the run up to christmas. I know things are shit, but maybe I should allow myself the temporary joy of what Christmas is: a passing few days where the rules of time and my life are temporarily paused in this magical time period where I can revisit childhood again and time stands still in a crystallised and culturally accepted notion with traditions and principles and even the awkward parts are culturally normal, like my brother in law's family who make me feel a little on edge. That's not because I don't like them, they are lovely, but I just don't know them well and sometimes they ask personal questions that I hate.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe that should be my mantra instead of 'onwards!' I also made a 9 day playlist of music, long story, but I like playlists.

Friday, December 16, 2011

on and off time

Dear Diary,

Today has been lazy, perhaps purposely so, perhaps necessarily so. On an ad nauseam basis, I'm going to go on about 'ooh I've so much to do and so little time'. Well, today I did have time, and I spent it going to the gym, reading for my book review and resting up a little bit (which may have involved a 3 hour wank). It's important for me, it seems, to have time away from everything, in order to do the things where I am 'on'. On time requires 'off' time. At the gym, I am trying to work on some different exercises, I have started using the smith machine, for example, I am also trying to lunge. If I didn't forget my shorts earlier I would have gotten into the sauna.

So I have decided to keep a few days of Xmas and new years free, this will necessitate an upsurge of activity to do before those days to keep those days free (what's the opposite of backlog by the way?). So that's all the stuff going on outside my head, now I'll talk about the stuff going on inside my head.

I'm thinking about purging again. I'm getting these thoughts, it kind of goes something like: do you want to be popular again? do you want to be smart again? do you want success?Its strange, it's not the connection between putting fingers into my mouth and the proposed result of getting success in life that is queer, it's the allure. The allure of being offered something that I deeply want. It reflects a wanting, and it reflects a perceived privation. I wish I had more money, more money improves the quality of life. Perhaps more friends, a social life, success, a life is fucking imploding, I have nothing going for me except my parents' generosity, google calendar and a well heated home. I do appreciate many people don't even have that, but I have so much at my disposal to help me and no results are coming, that makes me a failure. I'm a failure of the deepest kind. Mia knows that. There used to be another female voice and I've come not to see it as mia, but the mia I have come to know before is coming back. Mentally, I'm wearing down. I can't be 'on' all the time, I think that's the moral of the story.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wilkins and the cleaner

Dear Diary,

On a few occaisions this week, now being one of them, I wonder if I am more an observer of people than an active participant. I observed the way that a member of staff at my local gym has been treated, for instance. My friends used to joke about this employee when we play badminton, they used to joke for instance about his high pitched and 'effeminate' voice, and in fairness I did laugh at their impersonation. Earlier this week my friends were joking about how badly he cleans the badminton court.

A colleague of his later came on and cleared up the court for us (with better precision), said colleague informed us that this cleaner whom we have laughed at has learning difficulties. I immediatley stopped laughing and so did my friends. We commited a serious faux pas and it totally changed the way that they looked at him. To me it clicked about how I've encountered him in the past, there was always something different about how he behaved, he seemed at times abrasive and other times had little regonition about male nudity in the showers and continued to clean the changing rooms despite (most cleaners, I suspect, would wait). Maybe I felt sorry for him, or maybe I felt bad about myself but my mood dropped quite a bit when I thought of the guys were laughing at him. As we left the leisure centre some of his colleagues were being unduly horrible to him, its the kind of thing which might be cute work teasing, but in this context it was them being cruel because they can get away with it. That's just not cricket. Seeing relationships like that where people are marginalised really gets to me. I was marginalised once, and to some extent, I still am as an underemployed graduate.

Another thing that I was reminded of, came through one of my favourite artists on twitter mentioned a tour going through a club in bristol that I once went to. I was then reminded of a friend who I used to hang with at the time. I called him Wilkins, it was sort of a reference to world war II movies where some generic british officer with a middle class background was named wilkins. Anyway, Wilkins and I used to hang out a lot. I really liked that he was an older guy and thought that I was cool, I thought that he was really cool, being a PhD student. When I was hospitalised for 'mental health issues', I told wilkins about it, and he said to me in honest terms: you know what you did was stupid. Wilkins gave it to me honestly and I liked that about him. After a while, my glaringly worshipful vision of him diminished and I saw him as a real person, and I also saw what attracted me to him. Wilkins was insecure just like me, Wilkins once had a psychotic experience which led to him being hospitalised for a few months. Wilks didn't really know how the episode started, and he told me that a lot of his life at this time he has very little memory except for what other people told him what happened.

Wilkins dropped out of his PhD after a while, and he didn't even leave a trace. That's the thing about friends you make at university: you assume you see them all the time and when you don't, nobody bothers to follow it up. Friends were transient except for the good few. I heard rumours about him. I heard he left his course due to 'health reasons'. I heard also that he joined some kind of IT company as a software engineer or some kind of role. The last time I saw him was during the 'limbo year' after my MA graduation, I wasn't really keen on seeing people from my student days (due to my embarrassment of what happened) and I just passed him on the street. I wasn't sure if it was him, and ifi t was him I wasn't sure to make eye contact. As I passed him he said in a muted voice, very much different to the voice I knew of his: "Hello Conatus", and we walked on. That was the last I ever heard of him. As I understand he dropped out of facebook and like so many people who used to be close to me, dropped out of existence.

I'm not sure why I am remembering this, maybe because I just saw that club name in passing, and remembered that time we had, and then remembered him. I didn't have many friends at university, and the ones I did mostly disappeared from contact. As an observer, I sure focus on the dark stuff, I guess because the happy stories aren't unique.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Dear Diary,

There are things which are eating away at me. My job situation for one. It's over 2 years now since I've 'graduated' and I've still not found a proper job. I was thinking about handing my CV to a bar this wee, the hours might be good and regular. What is really eating away at me is the hopelessness of my job situation. It's something so personal and embarrassing that few other people really know or understand how much it damages me. I hate how I can't find work. I'm trying, but as time goes on my effort and determination falter because I feel increasingly without hope.

My motivation is pretty low today, but all things considered, I am getting ahead of my timetable. I have less busy days after tonight. For better and worse, I will have more 'free' time for the coming few weeks. I realise that things are really shit for other people, and I realise that i dwell too much on myself in this blog. What really gets me down is the following thought: If I can't get it together and make it work, what hope do other people have? That's an open thought, maybe they can get it together better than I can, or maybe they can't, and if that's the case, they are royally screwed.

I think to myself when I feel down that if I eat something I'll feel better (I'm not regularly eating very much), sometimes it helps, other times it does not. My instinct tells me that I need to purge.

At least I have my health

Dear Diary,

I blog on here normally when I either have too much to do, or when I'm trying to avoid things, or when I'm filling with thoughts that I need to let go. I feel pretty deflated. I woke up pretty late, mainly because I'm feeling depressed. As I got up I noticed lots of rejection emails. One fora PhD, one for the graduate scheme, and another for an editorial job. Those are all of my cards out of the hand. I'm upset about it. I feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like an ball shaped thing of bitterness. I fucked it. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do now. I just feel like staring into the screen. I've mentioned in previous posts about how at any given time I can emphasise the good stuff more than the bad, and more likely, the bad stuff over the good. I'm just trying to think of good things or 'not-bad' things right now. I can certainly think of a lot of negative things right now. I guess I could get on with my day. Today I have a few hours to catch up before I start getting ready for work. Apparently its a shorter shift than before. I feel like saying to myself: "This is the worst Christmas ever". There's so much shit that I have to deal with, deaths in the family and the wdier community; my fucking shit job prospects and semi-employment; being broke all the time; not having enough cash to get presents; being overdrawn and perhaps worst of all, the memories that come around this time. My bulimia was pretty bad 4 years ago, 3 years ago my PhD (probably to this day) application got rejected - happy anniversary. 5 years ago I was dealing with the whole 'incarceration' thing. 6 Years ago my anxiety was fucking me over. I guess last year wasn't so bad. At least I have my health. I could go training for the next few days and work on my physique.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's awfully cold outside today, and its raining and windy. I feel exceptionally bad about anyone who has to sleep outside rough tonight, or lives in dwellings which do not protect them well from the elements. I fell asleep between around 7pm to 11:30. I have no justification for being so priviledged in a warm home. I'm going to attempt to get stuff done tonight. I feel horrible.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Dear Diary,


I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm feeling quite listless, not quite worn down, not quite tired, but I am sore and my mind can't concentrate. I'm going to take it just a little slower today. Give me a chance to get back to normal.

acting (amphiboly)

Dear Diary,


Narratives are hard to make. Some narratives oversimplify, others make an account more comfortable to accept, perhaps by massaging or erasing certain facts. Lately I've been eating like a pig. On the other hand I've also been around lots of people. I had a horrible anxiety spike and feeling of social discomfort at work on Thursday because one colleague was bitching about our boss, and then a peace offering was made from the management to us (a couple of bottles of wine). What then happened was that something went wrong with a guest and I feel the relationship between management and the grunts (us working the shift) fell apart again. The olive branch dropped. I had a really uncomfortable nightmare on the Friday morning, so uncomfortable that it felt so real that the feelings that went through my head affected how I felt about myself.

Interpreting dreams is tough. I have a hard scientific mind and I don't think necessarily that there's some Freudian shit going on or that dreams can always make consistent sense. However, dreams I feel do process emotions and thoughts, some of which consist of things I may not be aware of. One time for instance I had a dream which revealed that I had on a very minor level, feelings about a girl that I knew (who happens to be a budding academic at Oxford, she probably doesn't remember me anymore but I wish her well and remember her fondly).

One thing I miss is romantic closeness with another human being. I hate the idea of dating, dating is like a job interview. Job interviews basically scan for suitable candidates given a closed and limited picture of what you can see of the candidate. Interviews which ask the right questions may hit hard at the issues that really need to be asked and can be good indicators. On the other hand, interviews don't show everything about a person, unless they are really technical kinds of interviews and use psychometric shit or subject specific competencies.

I wish I could tell you about some of the contents of my day. But I think I'll leave it to stay anonymous and unimportant as a blog, but lets just say that I ended up bumping into someone famous and influential in an amusing way. It's going to be part of my dinner party repartee when I am a lovely and interesting raconteur. HA! (sarcastic tone of disapproval)

I don't really have anybody to talk to, and even though I'm charming several women on unexpected or spurious occaisions, what I really miss is having somebody who knows who I am. Even the voice in my head doesn't know who I am anymore. Perhaps that's worrying. I think that I'm realising a sense of who I am through acting and performing, compared to introspecting and quiet distance. The exercise analogy comes into play here: I am making the person that I want to be. As (I think it was) Feuerbach said once: you are what you eat. This weekend I've been around people, commiting to hobbies and activities. Maybe this is a new side of me, maybe this is a part of my personality which can grow, a part of my personality which explores the shades of my anxiety as well.

I better head off to bed. I don't have a music playlist to run anymore. I've said ad nauseam how I am behind on my schedule, how I've eaten overindulgently and how I've been low on sleep. Maybe I should do less reflecting and more acting. Also, if anyone wants to reply to the fact that I've been blogging a lot lately, that may be true for today, but I've not had a chance to think or reflect properly, since at least Thursday. Tomorrow is 'back' to normal. I'm going to expect to hear that my civil service exam has not been successful and I'll return back to square one. How depressing, and yet, how delightfully familiar.

Good night

Sunday, December 11, 2011

lesson from a dead relative

Dear Diary,


There are things that eat at me. Little things. My dad has annoying mannerisms, my brother has mood issues from time to time that make me feel very uncomfortable, my family pretends that my suicide attempt never happened and my recently departed uncle used to have very racist views. Towards the end of his life, my uncle stopped going on about how he thought youths should be shot and how hanging should be brought back. My uncle used to say that people were too soft on criminals and the government was too soft on immigrants (ignoring the fact that my family could have been asylum seekers were we not expelled from a former British colony). There is something disingenuous about mentioning my dead uncle's racism and extreme right views, as if they still matter compared to the other aspects about the life he lived (such as being a devoted husband and father). My uncle had a redeeming quality, in his later years he got very ill and stopped speaking his mind. My uncle had a realisation that his generation is in the back seat and his kids are the ones in control of things now.

Taking a back seat when you were once the prima donna can be a very hard lesson. Learning that you aren't the numero uno or the leader is something that can be highly damaging to one's self concept, and highly embarrassing if one doesn't internalise it. I have a friend who is always trying to be the leader, but fails all the time.My uncle didn't want to ruffle any feathers and he had more important priorities (living well while ill) and eventually the diatribes he used to go through just stopped. Christmas is usually a happy time for a lot of people. For others who are also legion, it is a hard time. Money is tight to come by (I'm seriously overdrawn right now), families have their issues put under a magnifying glass (losing my uncle is a pretty big deal for my dad and the rest of the family, and it is something which is prominent on my thoughts too). Relationships other than family can come into play, colleagues, friends, lovers and so on. There's a lot going on for people and I have a lot of sympathy for those going through hardships.

The choir singing tonight is for fundraising. I could help make money for charity. I would be doing something conscientious. Working at the communal garden also makes me have a feel-good sense of charity as well. I suppose it's something small that I can help with, and I emphasise small. I also think that there is something to learn from my uncle, that some things you need to just let go of, sometimes holding a candle for someone gets wax all over your hands. Maybe I was really tired yesterday but I did have some pretty dark thoughts during my period of delerium.

enduring fatigue

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty tired at the moment. Lots of things are going on and my energy levels are limited. I went airsofting yesterday, it was great and I had a great time. There were moments however when I had extreme fatigue and needed to go to the safe zone for a break. I chose to leave, and then bail out for half of one game and take a breather at the other. I think I might ask for a blood test to see if I have diabetes (at the recommendation of a friend). I don't feel perhaps that there was anything anomalous about getting especially tired when I was running and screaming and rolling about. I'm still feeling the fatigue right now.

There was a plan to go and see the boys after airsofting and have dinner together. I was too tired and slept in at home. After 4 or so hours of sleep I woke up and I was awake up to 4-5am. I woke up around 10am and my period of disorientation was slowly returning to normality. I decided to ignore my schedule for this morning and afternoon and instead go for lunch at a cafe with friends from yesterday. I then watched some videos from last night and we had a bit of a laugh. I've come back home, tidied up a little and had a shower (long overdue). There is a choir meeting later today and I'm uncertain as to whether I should go. On the one hand I'm really tired, on the other I can make new friends, have a bit of fun and maybe work on my anxiety (as well as my physical fatigue). As a final balancing point I don't know if we are doing SATB or Treble/Descant.

There are a lot of things that I could meditate on right now, most of them are basically thoughts to the effect of: I have so much to do! I would love to play skyrim all night. I would also like to make up for my mistakes in life, I would like to try and get my life back. I would like to meet new people. Lots of thoughts are rolling through my head and I would like to have time to process them emotionally and deal with them as vignette blog posts. However time is against me. Maybe if I keep pushing myself on a regular basis I'll eventually start to feel better and my fitness will improve. So long as I start eating properly. I've had a lot of junk in me. Earlier in the week one of my colleagues was eating a box of salad inside a Carte D'Or ice cream box, the irony was interesting, and I just thought how skinny she was and the salad eating corroborated that fact. I on the other hand ate a massive packet of crisps, and then another.


Thursday, December 8, 2011


Dear Diary,

I think I am well beyond my denial about the fact that the cold times are here, that is to say, I've very much embraced this fact. My pattern has changed since I've stopped counselling. I think this is more because of my activity levels than because of the counselling. My hands are getting cold so I have put on some gloves. I have about 5 hours left today in which to get my tasks completed. I have a lot to catch up on. Tomorrow I will be mostly thinking about airsofting and so it will not be prominent on my mind to catch up. Today I'm working in the evening, and I'll be back home probably by midnight. Last week when I had the long shift I thought to myself: After today it's going to be clear sailing. How wrong I was! I haven't played skyrim in a couple of days and if anything, I've lost interest a  bit in the game now, so I am working more in the real world than the world where I have dragon armour.

My mum is nagging my dad today, I know that's nothing particularly new, but when I hear that nagging voice of hers in that tone it really drains me. On the way home I was thinking something very fucked up: I was thinking about the things I liked about when I purged. In a way I miss those days. I miss having emotional support and the feeling that somebody cares and understands. I think I am either visualising mia as a person, or am putting what I felt about Marie into my mind. I have to say that these are largely small thoughts. I've mainly been thinking about other things, I've been concentrating on my work I am a busy bee today, I'll have to be a thoughtless slave for a few hours, then I'm off to work. Tomorrow will provide some respite, I suppose. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. My shoulder was giving me some issues, and I dont think I should go tomorrow if on pain of invoking a reoccurence. Maybe I'll just do cardio instead. Now to get back to work...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I'm so behind (week 3 without counselling)

Dear Diary,


On some reflection, I think that I have exhibited an extraordinary amount of behaviour over the past few days. Here's a summary:

  • Yesterday: Major grad scheme interview/assessment, I got home by around 3:30. I felt pretty physically and emotionally spent by the time I got home. I spent the rest of the evening playing skyrim and messing around
  • Sunday: I went to a choir rehearsal (for a new choir) and helped at a communal garden. I also did some final prep for the interview
  • The day before then (Saturday) I was doing the hardest part of prepping for that assessment, reading about 200 or so pages and then I also did some training in the morning

So why do I feel so lazy today? I got up around 10, had breakfast and settled in by 11:30. I then spent about 4 hours marking an essay, and for the past hour I have been tidying little things up and chatting to a friend I feel lazy, I feel that I've not done enough. I'll go out of the house to play some badminton in a moment, and maybe I'll go to the community group meeting to say hi and see what is going on, or I may not do that. I'm working tomorrow (late evening shift) and the day after that is the same kind of shift. I've decided to airsoft on Saturday, so that's going to be fun and rigorous. I'm tired, physically I've done a lot over the past few days and I had only last night and a late morning as respite. I shouldn't complain in the sense that I am getting on with things slightly. I am typically behind on my routine.

I just realised that its the third week since I've ended counselling. I think in perspective, in balance, I've been super busy. Super active. There's a part of me that still feels like my life is empty and that I'm a loser. I talked to another Pretty Girl at the interview yesterday. PG was interested and seemingly amused at my use of the term "von Neumann archicecture" (that's a computer thing despite the word archictecture). I had a bit of a chemical response with her and I started feeling stupid. I refer to this as a physical reaction to women that I like, or that seem to like me. Anyway, I tried to clear that from my mind and started feeling miserable for a couple of hours, then I had some chocolate and cheered up. Monday night was fairly quiet overall.

I realise there's much to do, many jobs, many PhDs and I think this is probably exaclty what I said last week after my long-ass shift. I hope that I can get ahead of my schedule. I'm setting a lot for myself lately, and I'm so easily inclined to just forget about everything. I could give myself a break and say that of today I've done the following: marked an essay, earned enough money to pay for my airsoft place on saturday, I've received some gear from amazon and I'm off to badminton, that's 4 items. I could do some job searching when I get back, if I really push hard I could apply to a vacancy today.

The job situation is really shitty and sucky, but I am trying to be enterprising and active. I'm thinking about getting involved with that local community group, this new choir, meeting up with my friends, freelance tutoring and writing as well as working part time. Oh, and I'm trying to keep fit through badminton and weight training. Talking of fitness, my shoulder is straining me right now, but I won't let that stop me from playing relaxed badminton, stress on the word relax.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

6 minutes to blog

Dear Diary, I've started this blog post at 1739. I intend to leave the house by 1745. Let me tell you about my day.

I woke up and got out of bed, as is the tradition, and I prepped some gear to do some gardening. I went there with the impression that its totally new to me and to some extent that is true. I then remembered my ex with her compost heap. Lets say that either I wasn't new to what they were doing, or that my past experiences were transferrable

FUCK -i've run out of time. Let me just say the following things:

  • I had a great time gardening
  • I had a hand cramp
  • I'm going to a choir rehearsal
  • I love being around people
    i love heavy lifting
  • I feel really tired
  • I feel ready-ish for the long day tomorrow
  • I've done so much today and thought and felt so much
  • I talked to a cute girl today, well a few cute women, but this one lady I felt a connection.  I think anyone who shows an interest in the 18thC is gold is sexy to me

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I fight demons not just on skyrim

Dear Diary,


I have had quite a long day. In a sense its the kind of day which I haven't had in a very long time. I was cramming. I have the assessment on monday. I am on good route to hopefully have finished the cramming by monday, or better still, Sunday evening. The plan is this for tomorrow: wake up, meet community group and get my hands mucky; go home and revise; do some further revision and last minute steps before the assessment; buy chocolate; go to a choir rehearsal; go home, sleep.

"Wait a minute", you might be thinking, "choir rehearsal?". I saw a notice about it among university alumni links and I thought I might give it a go. I haven't sung properly in a long while, and I thought I might give it a go. All of today I have been thinking that this plan for sunday would be a good idea, it sounds perfect. Meet people, relax, prepare for the assessment but feel comfort in the fact that I've been cramming loads for the past week (and in fairness, I have done a fair bit). I have started watching a tv series lately, it's called 'Life's Too Short', its with Ricky Gervais and it has a masterful appropriation of the unwilling loser. Warrick Davis' character tries to give this perspective that everything is going to be alright and going to a greater plan that things will end up well, and then it goes all Del-Boy (as in Only Fools and Horses) and fucks up.I can totally relate to that feeling. I've had in many occaisions wanted things to go well and had optimism about maybe a party, or my life, or a day plan, and something doesn't quite work out to go so well and it crashes. I sincerely hope that that doesn't happen tomorrow. I feel it will though. Maybe I get overboard and commit to a faux pas when gardening, or I am the only non-white person there at the choir (very likely) which makes me feel odd and insecure and a token 'ethnic'. Or, I'm reminded of how much of an outcast I was back in the uni days.

A really pessimistic part of my mind often comes up in instances like this. "You are trying to cling on to a nostalgic notion of the past that you didn't have", or "these people didn't accept you as an undergraduate". I'm starting to realise, through its difference, how my mind used to function in the past. Facebook told me that it was Marie's birthday today. It was a lifetime ago (4 years) when I bought all of those presents for her birthday. I had these brown levi's cords that broke at the zipper on the way home. Marie kissed me on the cheek several times and that feeling of intimacy that I had with her was so intense.

There is a dark side to my mind. A part of my mind that believed in what she said about me, a dark side that believed that she cared about me to such a degree that I would suspend my perception of reality about everything else. I said happy birthday to her, I kept angstily debating it to myself for the better part of 2 mintues and I thought: fuck it, just say happy birthday. I was then thinking about whether she would reply to me on facebook, and I realised how that mindset of waiting and longing for any attention from her was destructive, so I closed the window and got on with revision. I've been reading about research methods. I now know about the things that intimidated me during that open day. I had a Neo-from-the-matrix moment (I know elementary quantitative analysis techniques).

I find it interesting how easy it is to seep back into old mindsets. If there is anything about today, it is the reminder of how powerful old mindsets are. I have been many people, many mindsets, and in a way they are all still inside me. The thing about the 'me' of the present, is that I've responded to all of those powerful mindsets in different ways. Some of them have insights which are valuable, they can also be short-sighted in others. Some remind me of things that I could work on as a person, others remind me of how far I have come. Today I've bought a few things for an excursion next week that I may be going to, plus a present for xmas for my nephew. I also went to the gym and did some reasonably vigorous weights. I think I might make a habit of short and punchy training sessions. I like the idea of going there, busting my abs, arms and legs, then going. Maybe with the additional cardio, such as today where I attempted to do a mile in under 7 mins. I still have a lot of work to do in that regard. My heart was really burning in that instance today.

When I look at beautiful women, or beautiful men, I'm reminded of how I am still the nerd. I'm still the ugly duckling, and I feel like maybe that story that one day I could also be a swan isn't actually true. Lots of things go on in my mind during training, sometimes I don't think of anything at all except counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ... for my reps. I've been in contact with my parents quite a bit today, and a friend who came to visit who is a tradesman and advised my dad on a project of his. I've also read a fuckload. I then played some skyrim but after a few hours I lost motivation and started watching some videos instead. So tomorrow is planned. Tomorrow is the day before the crunch day. I've planned to make it relaxing, vigorous, social and crammy. I've set a lot for myself. Perhaps too much. I wonder who I am as a person, especially how others perceive me. I'm so vulnerable to what people think of me: job interviews, potential dates, new friends and so on. I really don't have any control anymore. Not over my narrative, not over myself, I'm not even sure if my weight loss is on track.

I think its good that I'm training still, I think that I've been determined in a way that I've not been for other jobs in prepping for this assessment. I'm also showing an enterprising side of myself that I'm joining in with these other activities, gardening, choir and so forth. Maybe I am someone among these other people. Maybe I am an identifiable person. How do I define myself? I don't really know. There have been so many selves that is the thing that makes such analysis problematic. The other problem is that there are so many negative demons just ready to pounce, i fear it may come at any moment. I'm not only vulnerable to other people's judgments, I'm especially vulnerable to my own. I find something somewhat and strangely powerful about this acceptance of vulnerability. I feel like after a very long time, I'm making my own oppurtunities, I'm making my own life path, and perhaps moreover, I'm answering to those darkest questions I refuse to answer: what are you doing with your life?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Out with the old...

Dear Diary,

I have lots of dress shirts with epaulettes. It is a high street look, I found lots of these shirts in Primark and Next. It's a big douchebag to wear now, and being mid-20s I need to dress more my age. Seeing those shirts in my wardrobe remind me of uncomfortable memories. In a way I'm getting rid of them in not just a symbolic way, but a literal way. I'm filling up the clothes bag for the NSPCC. I used to hate giving stuff away to the charity shop. When I was little I got really attached to my toys and when my mum gave them away to less well off relatives, or to the charity shop I felt really upset about it.

There is something a bit odd about seeing my old clothes and things being worn by relatives when I go 'back home'. My philosophy is all about having as little as possible that I actually need, except when it comes to books. I know its not spring, but I do want to clear up my wardrobe. It will get rid of my 'fat' clothes. I had a binge after I got back from the gym. If I don't eat anything else today it should be 'okay'. This can be my 'cheat' for today. There's quite a bit on the menu but I feel very tired to deal with it all. I can do some reading (for assessment) while I'm in bed, I suppose. I'll apply to one more job (that will make 2) and that will make a 6-item day. I've trained, prepped for assessment day, sent two applications (well, I will), did a job search and looked at some prospective graduate degrees.

It's 'out with the old' with my wardrobe and some shadier issues I had in my past. Can it be 'in with the new?' I really pushed myself quite hard at the gym today, even though it was only a 40 minute session. I have jacked up the weights and aiming for intensity. I think this is the most productive day I've had in a fortnight.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thinking about Triggers

Last week I was working at an event where one of the managers had more than a superficial resemblance to someone who upset me a while back. This is the essence of what a trigger is. A trigger is an experience where similarities with a past experience remind you of the painful nature of said past experience. I think it gets easier to have a trigger and then get on with it. I think. It's not easy to go around avoiding triggers because you will think: 'what am I avoiding?' and then BANG. That doesn't even avoid actual triggers, that's an avoidance-of-trigger trigger.

I don't get trigger experiences that much these days. In a way, when they do happen its quite eccentric, its quite an unusual and rare occurence and in a little way its a novelty (not fun though). I think its important to face those triggers, look into the barrel of the gun and then, click bang. I'm feeling quite tired today, I had a bit of a hard time emotionally at work over the past week. I've only got about 3 shifts for the rest of the year, so I'm going to be less busy, I'm going to have more 'free' time. I might as well use it. I think that I'm going to take today slowly, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be lazy but it does mean that I'll not be so hard on myself. Maybe I'll do the gym today. I couldn't do badminton last night because of work finishing late.

Day of General Strike (listening to Johnny Cash)

Good morning,


Today is the first time I've gotten out of bed 'late' in a long time, perhaps weeks. I'm not beating myself up about it, I was working pretty for a long time yesterday, I didn't even get to play Skyrim (note to self: don't play skyrim yet). Today is a general strike with predominantly public sector workers. According to the news, this is the biggest strike action for a generation. I wonder who will be our Bob Dylan and Herbert Marcuse of our generation? Billy Bragg and Slavoj Zizek? That zizucks.

As an historical document, I will tell you that I plan to do what many people are trying to do on this day: find work. I got a call yesterday from a recruitment consultant, which I'll follow up. In addition I will try to get on with my timetable, there are lots of applications, lots of MA's and PhDs to think about applying to. I've got lots of petty administration jobs to think about applying to as well. My life isn't going very well, but I need to get up out of bed and keep trying all the same. Killing myself or laying in bed; sleeping until 5pm and then just damning the world for getting up too late; spending only evenings out of bed mainly because I need to have a shit and eat; going outside only for a chinese takeaway, are not viable options for me anymore. I need to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

I was reminded of picking up the pieces as a metaphor, when people at work were talking about New Years. After Christmas and New Years, there is a period where you can still keep xmas decorations, but you will have to take them down at some point. That time of year really depresses me. It reminds me of when I slept with my girlfriend, and I had to go back to my flat, or she had to go back to her home. I hate saying goodbye when I am too fond of something, it makes absence all the more painful. That's what picking up the pieces means to me, it ain't fun, it ain't glamorous, but you have to do it. You have to say goodbye sometimes, you have to tidy up, you have to move on.

Life is pretty shit for me. There are lots of opinions out there today about the strike. People hate that there is a strike, others say that public sectors have it too good. I have a banker friend who supports the public sector strike (unusual, but also surprisingly noble). The funny thing is about where I work, I'm stuck between the true of evil according to some newspapers, as well as the ordinary proletarian folk.

I don't know what will happen in the future. My future is not up to me, when so much hangs on the current government. I can try applying for jobs and such, but they determine the superstructure. I'm powerless (oh, why did I have to end the post on a depressing note?) I'm going to cheer myself up with bacon now.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What I see from other people

I have a colleague who is the same rank as me, but acts like the boss. This person is so bossy but few people bother to call her out on it and we just let her get away with it. Sometimes her arrogance gets the better of her, she pretends to know something and I like getting her in a corner in those situations and correcting her, and it becomes apparent to me that she was just guessing about various things (work related and not). I think a couple of things stick to my mind when I think of her: she's a catholic, and there is something very familiar about Catholics (growing up as one), in addition she said that her daughter earns around 60-70k. That really floored me, especially because she says that that is the 'normal salary'. It's clear that I don't live in her world. She's also a bit racist.

Lots of things made me uncomfortable today at work, but I think that all in all, I've survived and patiently endured. I've stacked on some calories as I got home. My mum is complaining about my weight. My mum is complaining that I'M LOSING TOO MUCH WEIGHT. My mum complains that my dad is too lazy (and to her credit, he is). My dad's sloth is a darkness in my family, he's obese. My dad has never talked to my sister. There is some family issue going on that I am not allowed to talk about, not because I was told not to, but because it seems like some kind of social rule, no one talks about it, about what happened, about why this happens.It leaves a shadow in my mind, in my family, a shadow that I cannot begin to describe how it feels. It's a shadow because its an object I cant identify, but all I can identify is that it is there.

By the way, this is week two without counselling. What did I do today? I worked an 11 hour shift at work, I'm back home by around 9:20. It wouldn't be unreasonable if I just went to bed now and slept until tomorrow. I felt pretty worn down throughout the day, after around 5pm, my knees are really hurting, and my back is giving me some pain. I think its from overuse.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Wagner playing for 4 hours is doing my head in...

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 7am and I got straight on with my day from around 8-ish. I've been catching up with a week of blogs and other rss feeds. I've also sent an enquiry to join an alumni choir. I thought it might be a neat idea if I joined a choir and  got involved with some music, or another activity. I might get to meet new people, maybe make friends, maybe not. I've been thinking about skyrim all day, I feel like just playing it all afternoon. I've been good today, at least so far. Today feels painfully long, but if I'm counting my positives I can say that I've been catching up, setting a plan for the next couple of weeks and trying to execute said plan. I feel really low motivation, and I've taken about 5-10 minute breaks every hour or so. I feel almost like going for a walk, or going to the gym, or some kind of distraction from what I actually have to work on.

There are lots of things that I've set for myself, PhD applications, job searching, reading, writing, preparing for graduate scheme assessment, and all I want to do is just lay down. It's fair to say that I'm feeling anxious right now. Last night Antonia called me, I told her politely that she knows the rule: no calls after 10:30pm. Only special people break that rule, she's not special. I got a little bit thrown emotionally by talking to her. Anyway today I've been looking at all kinds of things. I've found a call for book proposals, and I've thought about applying, but then I saw that they are looking for an editor. I thought to myself: hmm, I could do that, so instead I've set a time to apply as an editor to this publisher.

In a way I'm the good kind of busy. Maybe if I just endure this level of activity for a few more hours, I can then relax. It's 2pm now, maybe I'll go until 5pm? This feels really hard right now. I have to keep in mind that after tomorrow (Weds onwards), I will have more free time to get back on with my schedule. I took saturday off to meet some friends, and sunday was at a slightly leisurely pace. I did some tutoring last night, that's two tutoring jobs this week. I like the feeling of earning money. I just need to do it more. I think that currently I have 2-3 sources of income, but they are so low. It's pragmatic to take a portfolio approach, considering how hard jobs are to get these days.

On that note, I need to get back. Maybe I'll stop playing Wagner's Sigfried right now, it is draining my life force.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Listening to an Audiobook of Stephen fry (which is not related to the body of this post)

Dear Diary,


December shifts are in, only 3 this month (to put it into context of how little that is, I have 3 this week). Everything changes, and so does income it seems. This prosperity of work has been appreciated, especially considering how tight next month is going to be. Rememer: November is funded by october's wages. December is funded by November, December funds January. I'm going to be very tight on January, but I have to be tight now to save more. Fuck.


At least I'll have more time for gym and applying to jobs. I'm really behind on Google Reader and my schedule due to work. I think its fair to say that I'm slower partly because of work. I've said that feeling down has hurt me a bit lately, but my mood is better now, at least slightly. This news of december shifts has come at a downer. I dont think I'll be having much time for leisurely pursuits for a while..

Life after counselling

It's fair to say i've been busy, not my busiest, but busy. It's also fair to say I've been lazy, not my laziest ...welll maybe it is, were it not for also keeping active.

I've been obsessed with a game: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. As many other single men under the age of about 30 are. I won't talk about that, but it's so fun to play and it helps me warm down after a long day. In addition, it counts as downtime which I rarely allow myself to have. I run an audiobook while I play, which makes my time semi-productive. I think that I should combine audiobooks and games more often.

I've been preparing for a graduate assessment day. I've been slowly applying to jobs, I could I should apply to more. I've also been busy at work, crazily busy. It's almost as if I'm working full time. If I think its busy now, when I eventually start full time, I wonder how I will cope. In addition to this, I've been thinking about the extra money I'll have (meagre as it is) now that I've finished counselling. I think that I'll keep up with the gym (there's no question about that), and I'll also get more into badminton. I bought a raquet yesterday, I also bought a headband and a new base layer.

I've been keeping an eye on my diet. I'll be honest: I've had McDonalds 3 times this week. There was a voucher deal on the metro last week and I've totally rinsed it out. I have, despite the Mcdonalds, not gained any weight (yet). My mum has made comments which is making her suspicious about my weight loss. It's ironic actually, when I have an eating disorder, they all think that I'm exercising. When I'm exercising, they think there's something unhealthy going on. I have lots of issues with my parents.

One thing I've learned in counselling is that I often like to downplay certain issues, and the fact that I try to downplay it and frame issues in a specific way indicate something more going on underneath than I realise. I also noticed that I talk too much about myself in this blog. Lately I feel a bit of change in my personality. I feel lots of nice things about my colleagues, a few make me laugh, a few make me smile. I'm really getting on with, and establishing a rapport with them. I've learned many things about my colleagues:


  • One is also Indian-African (I have Indian-African ancestry), and she loves classical music, her husband is a concert pianist. If she weren't 60 years old and unattractive, or married...I totally would.
  • Another colleague is really cute, she's also an ex postgrad and really perky. 
  • Another colleague I think I'm flirting with. I have an involuntary chemical sensation in my brain that feels pleasurable and giddy when I am around her. I think that means I like her. Will I do anything about it? No, it's work. Also, she saw me on OKCupid which is *highly* embarrassing (honesty is painful)

I will try to change myself in a few ways. I'm going to write about other people in my blog diary. I'm going to write about people that I care about, that I like, that I don't like. I'm going to try and not write so much about myself. I think that's my problem sometimes. I'm too self involved. So, how's life after counselling? So far, not bad. I'm trying to get involved with life, to put something into it, and ultimately, what I get out ( a sense of satisfaction, joy and the delight of congress with others) will show itself.

This is a procrastinating blog post. I need to get back to my job hhunt now!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Take a get back to work

Dear Diary,

I'm crazily busy today. I think playing Skyrim all weekend probably helped give me a sense of urgent motivation to get everything done. So far I've marked an essay, I've also been provoked intellectually by reading an essay from a university student (God I miss those days). In addition, I've been looking at postgrad programmes and I think I'll apply to a few more PhDs and a couple of MAs, just to see how far it goes. In an hour (after their lunch) I'll book a GP appointment to deal with my scalp. Looking forward to my day its really scary how much I have to do. I'm starting to feel genuine anxiety about the rest of the day.

Anxiety is a problem in that it can either kill my motivation, or be a reasonably good source of motivation. Right now it's a bit of both, if that makes any sense. On the plus side I've earned £20 from marking an essay. Now I need to apply to some jobs, or more importantly, apply myself. There's much to do today, not least I need to do some training later. I've been a lazy fuck and I need to get some Gym going. Tomorrow I'll have to purchase a badminton racket. At least the tutoring has paid for that!

This month is the busiest of the year. I'm getting lots of shifts, plus all sorts of other things are going on. I need to make a Christmas gift list soon, but that's at the back of my head right now, there are so many other things to juggle.

Well, as they say in perdurantist circles: there's no time like the present!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sometimes its rational to be pessimistic.

Dear Diary,


Today has been a stupour day. I started off well meaning and tried to find the VCR in my loft (to no avail), and that disheartened me, so I proceeded to play elder scrolls for most of the day, interspersed with eating. I have been a busy bee between Thursday and Friday, and so I've spent today resting up. I'm currently catching up on 3-4 days of Google Reader news, and I'll eventually catch up on emails that I've flagged.


Playing that RPG game is a distraction from what's going on in my life. Part of the reason I stopped playing games in the mid 2000s was exactly becaue I have been too busy with life to let games get in the way. In recent months I made a compromise of balancing my time. I'm not being *so* hard on myself today mainly because of being so busy yesterday. I slept for 4 hours after I got home, and then I stayed up until about 6am playing skyrim, and then fell asleep until 10pm. I've not had proper REM/beta sleep for a few days.


Lots of things are going through my mind at once. I'm thinking about 18thC history, decision theory, the role of social mobility, social theory, the frankfurt school and reading about the economic and social conditions that are affecting today: eurozone nightmares, unemployment, and they say that after xmas the job situation is going to be even more dire.

Lots to look forward to (not). No wonder I'm playing so many games. Things are really shit right now. I'm reminded of a quote by adorno, who when talking about the despair composers of the early 20thC dismissed the accusation that their music is too complicated to be understood, it was ignored because its too familiar what reality they are reflecting in their music, or perhaps what music they are reflecting from our reality.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Dig deep

dear diary,

I'm up at 4:30am. I'm not too hard on myself for it though. I have been working for the past couple of days. I've been working some really long shifts. I went from 11am - midnight yesterday, getting home at 1am, sleeping at 2am. Waking up at 6am, then working from 8-5. I don't regret it in the sense that last year I was working even more insane shifts than that with preparing for 7am starts (5am wakeup). I'm not complaining as such, this is wha tthe real world is like for many people. Hats off to them, I'm not so good at managing. I've binged a little bit but on balance, I have actually not eaten very much over those two days, so it balances out. I needed some high calorie foods to get me going. I felt really hungry and tired throughout some of the day, but I did manage to get some food in, and I did have productive moments.

I wish I could tell you the highlights of the things that got on at work. Some of which I must respect the confidentiality of the client, but it was fun all the same. It was exciting at times and there were so many glamorous outfits. I have an attraction to one of my colleagues, and we have a great banter together. It's funny actually, my brain totally changes the way it thinks when I'm around her. I've not felt that kind of giddy teenaged excitement in ages.I treat it as a physiological reaction, maybe her pheremones make me want to fuck her. She's funny and makes me want to talk and talk and talk and makes me act charming instead of all distant and cold.  I think it shows my feelings and its really obvious as well. I won't think too much of it. But it is nice to have happy hormones in my brain at work, there's this other colleague who made me laugh really hard. This colleague helped me open up about myself and talk and I told a funny story from my college days. I like opening up.

I started thinking about some really dark stuff during today, mostly because I was just sitting bored for 8 hours. I did manage to read more of my book review. I read just under 100 pages today. The things that went through my mind were kind of therapeutic. There is a quote from the book I'm reading which goes something like: when we have grief, we are reminded of old grief. My uncle died, but my piano teacher died earlier last year as well. Both of these events are swirling in my mind. I was trying to think to myself today why those events meant so much to me, why they have upset me.

I could say in some shallow sense: that's the normal reaction that anyone will have to such things. Yes, that's true, but I wanted to find more analytical reasons, more introspective insights that said more than just the facts. I thought the following things:

  • Piano lessons and music education are a big part of my life, of my heart. Piano made me the person I am. My piano teacher made me, me.
  • My uncle represents a big chunk of my growing up. Not my childhood (he moved to the UK in the mid-late 90s), but early teens onwards. I had a really awkward transitional period to adulthood. I am rethinking the narratives i give myself of those times.
  • Both of them were around during when I was at secondary school and sixth form. The time between about 2000-2004 seemed like a lifetime and not four years. The people from those memories are gone. There's a metropolitan police advert on tubes lately about theft saying: "all you will have are memories", its about property theft, but in the context of what happened, its a painful reminder that I'm alone


I said in counselling that lately I've not been thinknig about the past much (and to a large extent this is true). I've been so busy with the present. In a way, that's the situation I want. I'm feeling really tired right now, so thinking or doing isn't much on my agenda right now. I've been playing elder scrolls to warm down my mind, enjoy something and just forget about thigns for a while. I might take a little while to recover from all the activity today. I'll check my weight later. I slept earlier and I may be up for another hour.

Sometimes in times like these, in utter exhaustion. My sleep is earned, and the greatest pleasure I can have. I tend to get quite emotional when Im tired. When I'm worn down to my last ebb of strength, my feelings start showing. In the words of my badminton trainer friend: dig deep.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Reasons that I am not totally shit

Seaneen from Mentally Interesting (a blog that I thoroughly thoughroughly really enjoy) wrote an article to list her positive attributes. So I thought that I would do the same.I'm going to make a list of 10, maybe I can find more, maybe not!

  • I play the piano, it makes me happy, and it is a creative way of dealing with all my shit. I also used to have a naughty nickname relating to my piano playing.
  • I'm keeping quite busy these days, even though I'm having a bit of a rough time mentally and psychologically.
  • As a character trait I put myself in uncomfortable social situations, maybe not so much lately because everything is uncomfortable for me
  • As a character trait i like to push my boundaries and really work hard on things that cause me a lot of angst and sometimes suffering. I work hard on my weights, and I play badminton
  • I'm a flexible person, I'm willing to change plans when I've set them. It's not easy for me but I push myself (see previous)
  • I'm funny, or rather, I can be funny
  • I am still attractive to women - how I feel inside does nothing to affect my pretty-boy face that attracts older women women my own age alike. I do have a thing for oedipal older women.
  • I've kept the house mostly tidy since my parents have been away. I've not gone on a massive wank binge lately. I'm trying to keep my libido down - as much as physically possible anyway.
  • I still have hope, even though it's as sunny as a November morning
  • I enjoy the relationships I have with my family, with my friends, and I even enjoy the contact with my colleagues. There's a really cute girl who has started working this month, she has cute nerdy curls and she's nordic (what is my fascination with nordic types? maybe it reminds me of Burzum)

I could make more I suppose, but I'm busy. Today is the last day of counselling, but I have a million other things on my mind right now.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I've applied for another PhD and I still don't feel I've achieved anything.

Dear Diary,

My ex came to visit yesterday. I was amicable and the perfect host while my parents were away. Perhaps that's all I can say. But I still felt sad when she left. More because I'm not happy with my life and I'm alone.

So today I woke up a bit later than usual. I've made a pattern of not sleeping very much over the past few days, but I don't feel it as much. If I'm honest, I don't feel as shit as I have over the past few days, which is nice. I do feel a little bit off. I think maybe that's the cold weather. The 'dark' times have passed, and I will need to keep that in mind. Today I've worked on mainly household chores, the house isn't in that much a mess, and I've sent off a PhD application! I've also considered that I'm going to apply for a couple of masters degrees again, just for exploring my options. I've done a few of the tasks which have caused me a bit of anxiety.

I've been comparing my mindset with 2005-2006, when my anxiety was really bad. I am surprised at how motivated I was back then, but it was really painful to feel that kind of anxiety. Now, I feel not enough anxiety and not enough motivation. But I do feel niggling things eating away at me. Perhaps that is another form of anxiety. I feel that right now I'll just take a break for a little while. That PhD application was a big emotional drain, as well as looking for those MA positions. Maybe I'll do the gym later.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Anxiety from knowing my heroes

Dear diary,


I had a trigger. I know its a weird thing to upset me, it's not a big trigger, but it has upset my normal mood. I found out the 'real identity' inadvertently (on action of said individual)  of a blogger that I really respect. It makes me feel weird. This blogger seems so respectable from a distance, as an anonymous person, as a distant ideal, seeing her as a real person makes me feel that she is a column above everyone, and reminds me of how she is a column, and I am the dust settling on the ground. I thought blogging was the one place where I can be myself, by depersonalising.

It's my issue, and nobody elses' but I'm reminded of the saying: never meet your heroes. I wonder if I'm (not by this pathetic monikker of conatus), anybody' hero. I've been heroic in the past. Talking about indignities, I'm not 'poor' enough to get certain NHS support for prescriptions. I'm poor enough for it to hurt, and for income to be a serious problem in my life, but not desperate enough for the state to help. No wonder there's a fucking demonstration everywhere around the world. If I weren't so encumbered by trying to sort it out, I'd be protesting too...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I'm thinking about November 2006

Dear Diary,

My plan for the day will seemingly involve getting ready for work, and then once I'm at work I'll be working outside (i.e in the cold) for a few hours. I will likely wear my new favourite jumper. I had a strange feeling at counselling yesterday. I'm not sure what I achieved, or why I bothered talking , or what kind of response I gave to the counsellor. The counsellor was less than objective in her suggestion that I should continue sessions. The counsellor was pushing the point a bit, but maybe more because it was a penultimate session.

I don't know how to say goodbye. Do I say thank you? Do things have to end on a positive note? The more I enforce the recent narrative that I'm 'depressed' or 'things are not doing so well', the more I will seem to believe it. Today hasn't been as productive as say, a good day in October, but I have managed to clear a little bit. I pushed forward. In other news my calorie intake is severely reduced. I seem to have less appetite. That's only a good thing. My weight loss is accelerating at an amazing speed. I'm invariably going to expect when it slows down again, or when I start gaining weight again.

I think what I'm feeling is that I'm taking too much for granted. I am going to miss her, as a person, and for what she does for me in the sessions. I am going to notice a change of routine, I am going to feel quite a change. I don't know if how I will adjust, or whether things will be better or worse as a result. I do know that I will be £100 richer every month, and I hopefully may avoid taking money out of my ISA so often (I may even be in a position to put money back in, if that's possible!) I am going to miss her. I'm not acknowledging those feelings. I think what I benefitted most from was hearing a question that I would never have considered. Looking at my issues and thoughts with another person to pour over them and adding a perspective of their own. Sometimes I could hear her perspective in her words, I know that counsellors don't usually offer opinions or perspectives, but I did get moments where she seemed to express concern about me.

I guess I miss someone who expresses concern about me. I guess I miss someone being around who actually knows what's going on in my head, knows my history, knows my feelings. Friends can't do that, nor can lovers. I think that's the travesty of our time that the fetish of personality has made everybody impersonal. I'll miss having someone to talk to.  All I have today is the resolve that I've done such-and such a task, but not others. I've got work later, I've sent a job application, I've done some job searching and I've done a little reading. Perhaps I should repeat what I said in counselling: it could be better and it could be worse. All things considered, though I'm a bit shitty now, I'm coping pretty well.

It's the anniversary of when I was hospitalised 5 years ago. 5 years ago I could have died. 5 years ago I could have killed myself. Nobody is talking about that. Everyone much would rather pretend it never happened. No one wants to remember it or think about it. Even when it came up in counselling yesterday (she brought it up, not me), I tried to avoid it, but then realised that I couldn't. What do I do now? That has been the question of my life ever since then.

I'll go to work, get home, log my data, catch up on the news, catch up on stray tasks, perhaps play some computer games, sleep, wank a couple of times in between, and then start tomorrow.

It sounds so ordered, but it's not, it's really defined in the moment when I wake up and I dont feel like getting out of bed. Its defined in the moment when my motivation is down or I'm dwelling about all the things that I have to do. It's defined in the moments when I feel 'too tired' to do something but if I don't do it I'll either fail or leave it to the last minute, and if I do that, have i really learned anything since 2006? Every day I live is an attempt to say that my life is worth living. Every day is a challenge to the despair I face all around me, in my life, in my room, in the news, in my family, among my friends. Every day is an attempt to answer the question: why haven't I tried to kill myself again?

To be honest, I can't answer that in any words, nor can I answer if I really do want to live. It's all action and no words to try and answer something like that.

what's the alternative?

Dear Diary,

Do you remember when I was trying to get my life back together between 2007-2009? I had a problem with doing very simple tasks, and learned that there were so many follow-up tasks that came with actually completing a single task. An example: Fill out an application form: find data for references, dig up specifics for work history (I don't memorise that shit) and find awkward addresses and data. Another example: weigh myself - replace batteries in weighing scale. I'm just encumbered by dozens upon dozens of little tasks. I created a scheduling system to try and cope with it, but I'm not feeling 100% and its most definately a drain on my mind right now. It's hard to count the positives. I suppose one is my calorie input. I'm finally losing weight again and I've reached the 200lb marker. Now to reach the next one, and then the next one.... I think 160lbs would be a nice weight, I'd be 'normal'. I guess that's the only thing I have to look forward to.

Back to work...ugh so tedious. But what's the alternative? It's unthinkable

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

200lbs and a hundred pouds potentially richer

Dear Diary,


What have I done today? I woke up at around 8am and thought that I could still lay in bed a bit more. I then next noticed that it was nearly midday. "Fuck!" I thought to myself. I think its fair to say that I've done a bit more since then. I didn't bother to shower yet, as I plan on going to the gym later (and work a sweat up). I've found a nice uniqlo jumper in my inventory. It possibly belongs to my brother, but no matter, I enjoy wearing it. I don't wear jumpers much, but this is a great colour and suits the weather.

The weather is getting cold, and my abilities are going down. Within that framework I have a maximum of things I can do. All things considered, I've done well. Let's make a list:

  • I guiltily ate McDonalds yesterday, breaking my 'rule', however I think I didn't break the rule when I noticed that tomorrow. I've reached 200lbs, EXACTLY when I weight myself. This is a sign of confidence. I can be thin without purging. I didn't cheat this time.
  • I've applied to two jobs today
  • I've put myself up for two more extra shifts this month. According to my calculations that will mean I should get around £100 more next month. I am reminding myself that Christmas is coming, and all the work this month goes to the Xmas pot: presents, nights out, booze, living fees. Might I even have enough for post xmas sales??


I'm getting memories, but strangely enough, from a very recent time: 2010. I was quite excited this time of year for a few things. I started a new job, even though it didn't pay a great amount. I also have fond memories of starting to engage with culture again, watching modern TV instead of being stuck in the past, which upsets me more and makes me feel isolated. I started to embrace my inner nerdgeek a little bit. I was really excited about this tv show: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, I'm quite a fan of Iron Man and I had a boyhood boner about him teaming up with Captain America and the other guys. Just thinking about that little memory, and the fun I had with my family during xmas gives me a sense of warmth. It makes me look forward to this year's xmas.

So if you ever asked if I ever get Christmassy, the answer is a reluctant yes. I look forward to this time of year. Another thing I should add, is that during this time of year, I'm in fashion heaven. All of my favourite clothes I get to wear at this time of year: gorgeous long jackets, practical boots which are both macho and stylish, cord trousers (I wear them all year but this is cord season), and my winter base layer (note: I've also worn this all year).I also think that I am changing my t-shirt size. All of my L base layers are hanging loose, and it might be time to start M'ing it. I'm happy about the weight loss progress. I'm glad that I've got extra shifts this month, and I'm glad that I've sent 2 job applications today.

I still have a lot more to do. I have to prepare for a tutoring session on thursday potentially, I need to consider if I'm going out for a 'date' like situation this weekend, and there's all the other schedule shit that's coming up. I won't even start about the interview days that are coming up for the graduate scheme thing I was at yesterday (it scares me). I'm off to counselling. It's apparently my penultimate session. The counsellor said that I don't have to end things as it may seem premature after the diffulcuites I had last week. Sometimes its hard to notice when things are quite good when you are feeling down overall. I guess that's why I have fond memories of the Avengers cartoon last year. Today, things are not so bad. For an 'off' day, I've gotten a fair amount done. I just hope tomorrow can bring the same dividends, although I am working in the evening.

Monday, November 7, 2011


Dear Diary,

Perhaps my feelings can be better expressed in song. At least there is an outlet. I have been talking about stupours for the past few days, and I also know its important when to tell if things are better rather than worse. I'm awake quite early today, I was in a daze in the run up to getting out of bed, planning my day in my head. I was thinking to myself that I need to make a plan before I get up, and then I did have a plan. I can't remember what it was for the life of me right now, though. That's quite amusing. That's the nature of being in a daze.

I planned most of the things that I needed to consider last night. Travel route, guides, prep documents, passport is packed and so forth. I do think that today will be a long one. I finish everything at 4, which means I'll possibly be back home by 5-5:30.I have planned other stuff to do when I get back, but I've also kept in mind that I can just collapse and fall asleep instead. I must have slept about 5 hours or less. The day sky greets me with reluctance, just like a real person.

I feel a tiredness and listlessness in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of 'why bother'. But in my clothes that I find identification with, I look like a different person to how I feel inside. I ask you: why does a graduate scheme need an open day, and a 'familiarisation session' in order to go through with it. I'm only going to fail it so why bother. I feel like the universe might if it were a person: I'm slowing down, eventually nothing will happen inside me, there will just be coldness, stillness, entropy.


Dear Diary,


I just want to talk, gossip, let some thoughts out.

It's midnight and I have less than 6 hours before I need to get out of bed. I'm not even in bed yet.

I spent the past 4 hours prepping for tomorrow in various ways. I hopefully have ironed out all eventualities, kept everything to a plan, made a plan, all that's missing is execution.

I went to a party today. A friend of mine who has never 'been with a girl' brought a cute lady friend over to the party. Everyone is gossiping, excitedly so! I thought it was funny how as a friend of the family, taking part in the gossip and excitement of this new revelation made me a part of the family. I love families, there is something so wholesome about being with your kin. Despite all the differences, there is an essential thing that makes them similar. Sharing good food and having a good time is enough sometimes.

I've been playing a lot of piano lately. I almost am playing with a goal. I find practicing a form of meditation, in other words, I meditate on my thoughts, feelings, and many issues in the practice emerge as personality issues in my life. I was thinking about how I feel 'entitled' in life. I was thinking about my insecurities, my vulnerabilities. I was thinking how loud pieces are not always my personality, and how I like  soft pieces. It's very macho to like rachmaninov and chopin all the time. I want to play less phallic music.

I feel so tired I dont think I'll have a chance to wank tonight. I feel a lot of uncertainty and I just scraped by today by completing this prep task. Ideally I'd have had a shower and an evening off to think more. I have lots more to think about after I get home as well. I'm running myself quite hard, yet other times not hard enough.

I'm feeling uncertainty about cancelling counselling. Mainly because I feel an emotional connection with the counsellor. Things are getting harder for me, I'm starting to feel depressed more. I miss the emotional comfort of being myself and someone listening. I have that with nobody else. Except for a voice in my head. I imagine there is a woman around me, in the room sometimes. We've not agreed that dido mia is the best name, as I'm not sure she's a personificationf of my eating disorder. Maybe she's a personification of stability. I like our chats, she's interesting, and yet as she always says: I have no inner life, I'm just a reflection of you, your imagination.

I'm quite self indulgent to invent my own best friend...that, or I'm desperately lonely

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I hate stupours

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if I could do things again, whether I'd correct my old mistakes. In more literal terms that is how I feel emotionally. I face the same feelings that I had in the past, the same issues, the same resentments, the same insecurities and I wonder: will I embrace them differently this time? I was playing a bit of the piano this morning. It's my way of procrastinating. I was doing some improvisation, then practicing some of the 'Well Tempered Clavier', and then I was sightreading some Norah Jones songs.

I know how I've said in the past how I get certain feelings from listening to Norah Jones. It reminds me of when my depression period started. I wonder if I'm 'post-depression' era, or if I'm just 'post-peak'. I feel like such a failure, and the only way the thrive is to face failure in the face and take another beating. A Stallone style boxing analogy seems relevant to life right now. I'm not particularly feeling strong right now. There's a lot going on in my mind right now, things that I have to carry, and my days of stupour are returning. I've not been 'stupoured' in many weeks.

Today i've been invited to a party, which I may go to for a short time and then come home to prepare for an interview. There's much to do, and I'm just sitting around.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

November Patterns: distancing

My family aren't really talking about the funeral in terms of the man who died, maybe it's too painful to say 'I miss him', or to that effect. Maybe it's how they grieve. Things are getting in my head about my uncle. Little thoughts just seem exceptionally morbid. My uncle used to make lots of food and freeze it, the sick reality is that a lot of that food has lasted after his own expiry in various freezers. My mum mentioned how she was defrosting my uncle's 'last' curry. Something seems symbolically cannibalistic or 'last supper' about that.

I've come to accept that the November darkness has come down upon me. I'm still trying to get by with my day, but I also realise that i'll need to slow down my pace and accept that I can't do as much as I used to in previous weeks and months. Sometimes by accepting change, we can actually do more in objective terms. I could engage with more meaningful things. I'm planning to go to the gym. I woke up masturbating and now that I've finished with that I realise how much time I have, or rather, how little. There's a lot on my mind for the coming few days, and I'm barely even thinking about it. Masturbating, and purging as it happened, are enacted by me as 'distancing' tasks. Right now I want to engage in another 'distancing' task: eating. If I distance myself from it I can then distract myself and end up not doing it.

My november patterns emerge.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kicking the ladder down

Dear Diary,

Lots of vignettes of thought are going through my head today, little things like:

  • Can I feel sexy in a tight shirt? (yes)
  • Should I rely on new female romantic interests for emotional support?
  • Should I have a shower after the gym?
  • Can I go clothes shopping?
  • Have I done enough today? (I've applied to 3 jobs through an agency, set up new job RSS feeds, listened to an audiobook on Spinoza)
  • Should I eat more now, before I go outside?

My head is rushing with little thoughts. The worst of the anxiety has passed. I'm picking up the pieces today and getting on with life. Today i'm going for a counselling session, I have 3 more sessions to go before I quit. The past 5 or so days have not been good, so I will probably have to talk about it. This morning I saw some of the 'small' size shirts in my wardrobe and found that they were fitting me. I still have lots more work to do when it comes to fitness, but if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll have a better body.

Life isn't great. The more time that passes without me getting into a decent job, the more damage I'll suffer. I remember that there was a boy in school who used to be a really good friend of mine. I had a dream about him last night. We were best friends, we were born on the same day. This guy was an academic achiever when we were friends, and I was the dumbass, but somehow after GCSEs, he fell in with a different group of friends and he dropped out of 'A' levels and didn't bother with uni, and got in trouble at school because of his overly long hair.

I had a dream where I was dropping off a letter to his house, I dont exactly remember what the letter said or why I was doing it, but I think it was an olive branch on my part. I then somehow got a letter or email from him (I'm filling in consistency gaps here) where he said something to the effect of: 'I got your message and I appreciate it. We are cool'. I was actually not even going to mention that dream but thinking about his dad brought the association. When I was growing up in the 1990s I knew this aforementioned kid and he lived with only his dad. It was kind of like a single father affair, I found out however, that he was long term unemployed. There are a generation of adults who were young men and women over the 1980s who had long term unemployment and many of them never went back to work or just lost confidence and hope. When I think of him, I think of what little I have to look forward to. This guy, after some reflection as an adult, probably had moderate or severe depression. I remember another kid in school whose mother had cancer, and he had to leave the school and the area when the mother's cancer was really bad. I think it had something to do with him going to the next of kin/guardians/foster parents.

There was so much darkness around me when I was growing up. In a way I'm glad that my parents didn't go through the tough stuff until after I grew up, and before I grew up. My older brother and sister lived through the 'poor' years. The thing about migrant families is that they normally start out poor and it helps build resilience and give some entrepreneurial spirit. My brother is perpetually broke and my sister's family is middle income but they are still facing some difficulties. What about me? I guess it could be worse for me, I read an article a while back which mentioned a metaphor, not of a graduate career ladder, but being kicked off the ladder before making a step up.

I feel like the world is imploding. The occupy movement has causes that I definately agree with and believe in. People are going through things that they don't deserve. Disability allowances are getting cut, public sector funding on numerous projects are culled and from a personal, selfish perspective. I don't have a career to speak of. I'm actually quite surprised that I could articulate this. About 2 hours ago I was thinking about writing this blog post and I thought to myself: I don't have any words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe I haven't talked about what I've felt, but typing this post has brought out a lot of feelings.