Monday, July 29, 2019


Accumulate positive experiences: this can be done by quality time with friends and not succumbing to negativity - I'm working on it

Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - Gym and reading I guess, and general autodidacticism

Cope ahead - prepare and rehearse situations.

I think I should pack my gym kit now. I have my clothes for work decided upon today

Physical illness prevention. This involves self care (could be better) and not overdoing the gym or junk food. I had McDonald's today. Perhaps I should do better at this

Low vulnerability to diseases (see above)

Exercise regularly. I did 3 hours yesterday. During lunch I did the gym.

Avoid Mood altering Drugs - no alcohol. Need to do #nofap too

Sleep healthy. Okay I'm bad at this one. If I get all my stuff done right now I might beat this.

Eat healthy. My body fat has gone down lately as has my weight. It's a daily thing and something I have to be constantly vigilant about. But I'm working on it.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Today I organised a day out with A and  J. We met up in Tooting Broadway to go to Haggerston. We went to Otherworld VR and afterward we went to Tonkatsu japanese restaurant. After eating and going to a board game shop, we went to Vauxhall and did the Whistlepunks axe throwing. That was so much fun with a lot of photos. Following that we had some food at dirty buger at Vauxhall. It was a good day and quite a physical day. I also realise the poignance of it being the 10 year anniversary of my leg injury. It's still an issue that I work around, but I'm still keeping active. 

Monday, July 22, 2019

18 july

2007: My graduation
2018: I'm picking political cartoonists for an international publication

I think I'm doing alright
I'm up late, part of some prep work I need to do for the coming week.

I've had a tough week.

I think it is important to accept my vulnerabity. Things at work had stressed me out, made me feel unwelcome and tested me in terms of ability, patience, level headedness and that thing inside that contains star dust. I feel like I've expended my star dust/spoons in a way I might not get back again.

I found out that my boss is on sick leave for mental health grounds. It's because senior editors are giving him shit. Bossman is standing his ground and they are bullying him for it. In other positive news: my best friends are having a baby, and Bossman's deputy is also having a baby. Both are due in 2020.

I had to speak to the director of HR to express a grievance. The director of HR was very friendly and took things in a very amicable way. The Director of HR was not happy that a private email was disclosed to her.

WIth two people my age that I know who are pregnant. I am beginning to think to myself if I'm achieving my proper amount in life.

This Saturday I met up with 'the boys'. We had a really good time. One of 'the boys' is moving flat, another is trying to buy one (as am I) and another of 'the boys' was not invited because he's a liability and not an asset.

I want to be more vulnerable and admit something: I think my masturbating is a problem. I'm masturbating and looking at sexy videos too much. It's impacting on my ability to function as a human being. I need to cut it down to like 3 times a week, not 4 times a day.

I think the problem is that masturbation (and junk food eating) are forms of self soothing and I am not sure how to self sooth because according to my professional support, my mum worked full time and I was not given the attention that I needed and that's why I have aspergers.

I was looking at an 'on this day' for a day last week: in 2010 was Charles's funeral. He died at the age of 32-33, my age basically. Charles died and it left a gap in my life and in that of our family. Charles had some problems in his life, but we didn't expect he'd die. Two years later Aunty Irene died. It's utterly utterly tragic.

In 2011 I gave a philosophy talk for an art gallery. It was filmed, it was probably the last time I wore a philosophy hat. People still ask me like in the party this saturday: do you still want to do a PhD?

Do I still want to do a PhD?
What are you doing about it?

In 2019: I spoke to the director of HR to express a greivance. I'm a senior editorial assistant for several sections of a newspaper and magazines. I make about the median of my frienship group - lower end if you count the bankers. But everyone's salary is skewed with the bankers.

back to work.

Friday, July 19, 2019

After I got home from the gym I did a lot of over eating and I did a lot of catch up.

I didn't realise the time and its now 4am.

Okay. so. Three things I have gratitude about/for

  • Mum and Dad. They are everything
  • I have a great job that consumes me 
  • My PTSD has been not so bad lately
Other things:

  • Relationships could be better but they haven't gotten worse
  • I've managed to make it to pay day without a second withdrawal from my other account
  • I'm going to see a BBC prom next week
  • I'm going axe throwing next week - been thinking about that for ages
  • I got some support from Access to work, at work. They are going to get me some assistive equipment, because my eyes are getting quite bad
  • My weight has been going down, its certainly not going up
  • My secret to recent weight loss: enjoy the fruity watery goodness of watermelon
I should try to go to bed.

Monday, July 15, 2019

I'm reporting a workplace discrimination case at work.
On my Birthday I spend the afternoon and evening with my Parents.

Mum and dad wanted to go to Toby Carvery. I thought it was chavvy and uncouth. It was actually quite nice. The meal only cost £36 for 3 people. That is a piece of piss for London restaurant prices.

I talked with mum and dad, in a way that I don't normally do.

I've been so angry and on edge lately. I think my ptsd self has been taking over a lot.

I've been thinking about old me and new me and I'm worried a lot about losing the new me to the old me all the time. I'm worried that my anger keeps coming frequently and I don't know how to deal with it.

In the evening I went to the gym. I did some treadmill and very light exercises. When I returned home I had some food (takeaway) with my parents. They got a mixed grill from an indian place and I got some Thai aubergine Curry. man it tasted lush.

Lately I've really gotten into veggies, particularly broccoli, aubergine and zuccini. I have lost a bit of weight lately. I would say this is a combination of my eating and activities.

I'm also watching a bit of love island lately, like a basic biatch
I've been thinking about what kinds of topics I wanted to address from my recent life.

I'm going to be writing about these in multiple posts.

Last week was my birthday. My colleagues surprised me with a birthday card and some presents. I was so touched, I almost cried. There was so much love and so many in jokes. I haven't felt so valued like that before at work. I love my team. My team are some great people.

They got me pusheen things. They knew I liked pusheens.