Thursday, April 30, 2009


I purged just now, after checking my mail. It was only a little bit. I remember that I urged a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to weigh myself today. I know that I ate too much; after eating the chinese takeaway and all that chocolate. I comfort-ate last night, with this council tax situation going on, and Antonia's depression. Oh yes, lets' not forget my unemployment and not being in university anymore; I feel pretty distressed.

The way I see it is this: I can retreat into this depressive and vulnerable state of mind where I create a 'new' problem that I must focus on, or I combat the current problem I have now and solve it. Either go into the ease of being taken over by an 'absolute' of this depressive feeling, or face the uncomfortable and nuanced realisation of my situation.

I don't really have much money. How am I supposed to pay for council tax?

This is - something that I must ut behind me. I'll try to avoid eating so that I can save money

Shall I purge?

I recieved a call from my landlord about the council tax. The situation is that he will be charged council tax but will forward me the bill to pay him.

So, now I have to pay for the council tax (viz my landlord), my anxiety level right now is uncertain. I have just reiceved this news and shall now decide how to react. My first call of action is to pause, drink a bit of water, then purge.

I'll come back to the laptop and inform you if I have done so.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Antonia has depression. Or so the doctor today said. She has been having some difficulties of late. I'm not sure how, as a partner, how to react to this. Do I change my view of her? See her in the same way? Do I say different things? What are her needs?

I must support her


I feel miserable. I had a nap for about 4-5 hours, and now I am a little bit lost. I don't know what is going on in my life; where I am going, and if there is any hope to speak of. I have a couple of tasks that I could go ahead with, but I feel no motivation. I've decided to throw away all of my folders of work. Perhaps that is the best I can do for my situation today. It will be an achievement.

I feel somewhat upset. I think there might have been a trigger.

There was a girl at university (Nat) who was a first year that I was quite close to. She started going out with this guy who used to hit on Marie (and upset me by consequence). This guy is now going out with a girl who is almost identical to my friend Nat but a year younger and more geeky. I bet this guy will be lucky for the rest of his life, despite all the people that he hurts and hits on in the process. I'm a bit jealous, or perhaps just angry at my own situation when looking at his.

Gained weight in a day


Last night I watched an episode of lost, which reminded me of the time I was in a mental hospital. I cried. I don't often cry, I must admit. A lot of thoughts came that night. Today I decided to myself that I shall try to make a change.

I shall try to avoid masturbating and do healthy things today.

I ate a can of spam and corned beef in the space of about 30 hours. I gained weight. I ought to stick to the vegetables a bit more. I feel too contented to not want to change. I should not be contented with my situation . I feel both envious of others yet unwilling to change. That is the bad thing about having depression or an eating disorder, you are constantly hating yourself and yet you give yourself no reason and no motivation to change yourself. It becomes all talk.

I am starting to think that when people say that one 'thinks too much' they are not quite saying that thinking is a bad thing (which I think is unequivocally incorrect), but they mean to say: you think too much and entertain so many ideas and yet you do not act on very many things. The person to whom this is told will almost certainly reply with a list of things that they have done, and yet those things are not the things that they seek out to achieve, or the things that they say they really want.

They hide in their immediate situation, their ice cream in the evening, or their weekend meet with girlfriend, away from the distant future. I'm a flawed person. My flaws are the greatestthey have ever been, and yet, I'm probably most behind my depression right now than I have ever been in 5 years.

It's time to claim back my life. NOW.


Lately, I have been almost accepting of my situation. It is almost ironic that this uncomfortable situation, this horrid state of limbo is soon becoming something I accept. I feel like I am becoming increasingly unwilling or ambivalent to change. I'm almost afraid of it. I keep saying that I will want to improve but I am not.

I am not quite depressed in the sense of when my life wasn't so good. Back then, depression was a comfort. It was comforting to lament, to despair, to stay in an extreme and absolute state of mind. Absolutes seem comforting. Niggling regrets, unsure convictions and moderate doubts are the stuff of real life. Moderate doubts are things like beliefs of science; beliefs about one's past; or convictions that what one did were the right thing. Always subject to some reasonable degree of doubt, but not in some kind of absolute way but in a way that appeals to some kind of rational standard.

I'm watching an episode of lost; where one character, Hugo ('Hurley'), is reminiscing his mental health problems. I sometimes look back on my days of depression and I find that I am a little less able to relate to those people. Today, I feel a little bit of sympathy for those depressed days. When I think about Marie lately (okay, I'm sorry about mentioning her...), I think about how she made me feel about myself. I think about how it made me feel to be acknowledged and respected by a girl. I feel like how I wanted very badly to be liked by a girl, to be understood, to be acknowledged, to tell my secrets to someone. The girl abandoned me and she made a promise.

It's the second girl who made that promise. I love Antonia and I feel that it is a realistic belief that I have a future with her. I still think about Marie, I think about her and recently I started to feel comfort in my thoughts about her. That is a dark place that I get into. I go into a place in my head when Antonia shouts at me or when I feel distant from her. I hate the feeling of being distant from her, yet I covet the place I go to. The place that I go to in my mind is absolute.

I must accept that I do not feel warm things of Marie. I resent her. Yet I seem to find solace in those memories. I also seem to be revisiting an old friend of my psyche. Before you consider me insane, see it as a psychoanalytic or introspective thing. I've been doing it for over half of my life.

This other person is a part of me. I have started to believe that it is not a good part of me, and a part of me that I should not listen to, a part of me that tries to convince me of things when I want to meet absolutes. On the other hand, that person is also someone I like.

My brother told me in a text message that he broke up with his girlfriend. My brother told me not to talk about it for a while because it is difficult. I'm not very close to my brother but I think that some events can be difficult to deal with and that pushing forward with other things may help move on.

I think that I need to want to change more. I have to have the desire to change. I feel like a reject in my life. I must save myself

Friday, April 24, 2009

immersing in the now

lately, I have been immersing myself into the immanent of the current. Enjoying the sunshine, going outside, admiring the day. I need to remember how dire my situation is. A part of me feels that for a short time, I am able to sort things out. This week, I have been doing more or less all of the things that I shouldn't be doing.

I'm going to see my girlfriend later today, I can't sleep. My diet for today consisted of a tub of haagen daaz, prawn crackers and chicken balls from the chinese takeaway. Note that that was all I ate today.

It is, on the one hand, bad to live in the past. I spent 5 years learning that. On the other hand, I feel a certain escapism about immersing in the now. Enjoying all the things that are contingent of this day. I am listening to a lecture to try and make myself sleep; I have a psychological test coming up later (for renumeration).

Last week I had a moment of realisation. I realised that bulimia ate away my life. I didn't do any reading when I purged. I spent the day laying in bed, or pissing about on the computer, or looking at the screen, waiting for that girl. I've changed as a person. All of this 'waiting' has taken a lot of me as a person. Being unemployed, having no money, has made me want to isolate myself from the world and limit my oppurtunities, options and lifestyle.

I used to say to myself in late 2006: tomorrow I will start and get to work and keep myself determined and never have a day like this again where I do nothing, if I keep myself busy and work my balls off nonstop from that point on, then maybe I'll have it sorted. It was always tomorrow.

I feel like my failure was foreshadowed. I have failed in the highest degree.

Time to change

Thursday, April 23, 2009

never say too easy

I remember in school i used ot think that some things were too easy so I didn't put much effort into them.

Recently, I've found that I have lost a fair bit of weight lately. I shouldn't complain, but I feel like there is some kind of price that I am paying: either I'm losing weight but not looking trimmer: or I'm losing weight and will gain it just as easily.

I've lost about 7lbs in the last week. I have consumed ice cream and a bit of takeaway and junk food this week. I've also had a fair bit of vegetables too. Perhaps it is the latter that helps, I'm not sure.

In other news: I saw my dissertation supervisor across the street on a busy road crossing. I walked down the road in what might be considered an obvious attempt to ignore him. I'm embarrased and am not quite keen on engaging in social interactions.

I ate some fish and chips earlier, It was quite naughty of me. Once I ate it, I found that it makes me quite hungry again. I thnk its the salt. Awake at 1-something in the morning, I'm tempted to have another meal today.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I hate summer

I hate summer because around this time I realised I had depression.
I hate summer because around this time I realised myself; as the intellectual I want to be and the aspiring and hopeful person that I once lost
I hate summer because despite all the people walking around in their flip flops and sexy tank tops, it is very lonely. Summer is perhaps the loneliest time. It's when everyone goes away. It's when people indulge in their summer fun but also secretly prepare for the change of the next season.

SUmmer is supposed to be the pinnacle of weather, the orgasms of the year. Well, I know that with most orgasm's, you forget about it afterwards or suddenly lose interest.

I must get on slowly with my day. I feel however, that a lot of things have perked up and I have essentially wasted about a month  and a half; well, two months, travelling home all the time and staying in a mindset that things will just suddenly get better. I need to do something with my life or else I'll lose who I was, lose who I am.

Summer was the time that I did the dissertation and nearly failed...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

quick post

I'm going to give a quick post just for the sake of posting (otherwise I never get it done)

I was away for the weekend +1 day with my girlfriend. Antonia was having period pains so I stayed an extra day; her daughter was also poorly so I decided to look after the latter so that Antonia could work.

Okay, so now that I'm back in my flat, I have to face my own miserable life. I see the undergraduates coming back to the city now that term has started again; not only that, they are in summer gear and are all sexually arousing and frustrating (also I am a bit envious that I'm not in university anymore).

So, anyway. I am back and the first thing I did as I got back was have a big wank. Now that is out of my system I have a few jobs to apply to that sounded quite juicy when I saw them advertised by email (I checked on my phone).

One positive I am stating is that I have lost about 7lbs this week despite eating about 3-4 tubs of ice cream. You can eat naughty food so long as you 'do the time' (jogging for me). I am also partly hoping that stomach worms infest me. I'm a bit tempted to go to the ADC meeting this evening. I've not really socialised with new people for a long time. Perhaps I've forgotten how to do it and stuck in that place where I only stick with people I know.

Anyway. I should say that I have had a few close calls this weekend in terms of my mood. Once when Antonia shouted at me for keeping the light on, and another after her emotional cathartic episode. I'm feeling a bit worn down, and perhaps I am too complacent in my current situation. I must see this as temporary and that I'll end up either in a university or a nice graduate job.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

wanting to get out

I spent the past 3 hours masturbating. Getting up at 10am isn't actually as bad as the times I have woken up in the past few weeks. Masturbating constantly isn't a good sign, though. I sent off a job application and I feel not very well for motivation.

In other positive news, I have been losing weight at quite a nice rate over the past week. Despite eating a tub of ice cream, a whole boxx of sainsbury's reduced yumyums and two microwaveable burgers during the evening; I have lost a pound in that day. I went for a 1-1.5 hour jog yesterday, I was out and back in the door in a space of 2 hours, that includes my time at sainsburys but I think that is good-going.

I must get my head together and keep busy. Part of me feels just like where I was in december; waiting, hoping, expecting. I feel like I cannot but feel that way. I am partly deceiving myself that I will get an offer from those universities. I should check on the websites to track my application. I'm just afraid because of...well, you know, disappointment.


i have to admit. I haven't done very much.

I went out to see if I had a book coming in. I was asked to do some article writing (good news) ages ago and I'm waiting on a book that was sent to me. So I went to the post office (with only 10 minutes before closing), and I the post person could not find my package. That was quite an annoyance, however, it might have been my own fault as I had requested a redelivery rather than a 'collection'.

After that, I had been mulling about on google calendar trying to organise my day. That involved largely staring at a computer screen and thinking to myself that I could do things to improve my situation. I looked at some forums, Handwashed my clothes, hanged them around my room, slow-cooked some vegetables. After the vegetables I went for a big jog, I went on one of my routes, and then came back to 'base' and took my other popular route to go to the big sainsburys. I then did a little shop and bought some indulgences.

My bank balance is okay this month. I shall save for the inevitable quarterly bill. I must remember to be frugal this month. More slow-cooked vegetarian cuisine; noodles and tinned food. There is a promotion for my favourite ice cream this week over at the 'burys. I'm not making a good effort at resisting. Some good news is that I have lost weight. I am back in my flat after easter-ness, and my girlfriend knows of a job I could do. I'm thinking of applying for it ...

Tomorrow, I plan to vacuum my room, clean up the piss from my carpet and maybe do some scanning of folders. Must keep busy. An early day would be preferred. Midnight has passed. I hope that I wake up early.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


It's that important time for all Christians. There is a little part of me which wants to be religiously observant. I also don't want to make a big deal of it either in the sense of not being all showy-offy about it.

I've still not heard from the powers that be that determine my fate (the universities). I'm feeling a bit like a limp cock at a gangbang at the moment; everyone is active and has a bit of a life, while with myself on the other hand: I am not doing anything with my life. I'm going to see Antonia tomorrow and that should be fun.

I'm preparing some things for when I return to my parent's place. I'm trying my best not to be angry at them, it is quite a trial sometimes. I'm learning that the things left unsaid are often worse when they are eventually and inevitably brought up. Why is it that everyone wants to flay stuff at me when they are angry, especially when its not relevant to what they are angry about?

I feel like a part of me is shutting down inside. I do not mourn its loss, there is a part of me that is scared that my aspirations will never be met. I am feeling a push of limiting my expectations, as if that is what everyone else does, so I should do the same. I feel my individuality is not respected here, and the values pertain not to success or individual aspiration or eminence, but this pre-set set of values about working, complaining about the weather, eventually working one's way to a mortgage, owning a car, having a job, getting married, having kids, having financial security, and meeting the same people every so often, and if its just a bit longer, one can look forward to it a bit more. Oh, and lets not forget television series and seasonal television like the football.

Another part of me wants to survive, socially, and intellectually. I have some coping strategies to keep my mind intellectually working and stay unique. I listen to a lot more classical music, play piano and listen to lots of podcasts. I hope to hear from the university soon. Either decision I will feel locked in this horrid world.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


my dad said some things that upset me.

it hurts quite a bit. I keep making myself think that something is going to work out in my life but nothing is happening for me. While it is true that I make little motions for things to happen, I am in some difficult spots.

my dad doesn't talk to my sister. It's her son's batpism tomorrow. my dad feels a deep sense of embarrassment and it has put a big rift in the family. He's unwilling to do anything about it. I don't know why they don't talk. I seem to get shouted at whenever I bring it up.

my dad basically called me a loser. i don't have any money. I want to purge. I was thinking about it earlier. The bargaining; the reasoning I used to have: if you purge, then I'll focus on doing some other activity. Around the time I didn't do many things and didn't have much motivation. Was it because I was in that state of mind, or was purging the way out?

i think that if I purged more I would have gotten more work done. Im going to try it when no one is in the house. That's not easy though cos there is always someone there.

Also, I think it's my 1 year anniversary for my virginity-losing. When I think about it, it makes me sad. They are such intimate memories. The intimate things are also the most painful, I suppose that is what it means for something to be sensitive. sens


I try to fight my depression every day and I have maintained a pretty good standard compared to how things used to be about 8 months ago. I have been feeling this darkness recently. A sense of losing myself, or mourning deep down inside.

People from the past keep in contact with me quite a bit. Even since I stopped contact. The web that I had weaved had many threads, I chose to stop maintaining them, but the links still exist. It almost bothers me knowing that the links are already there, little chains, heads on a facebook page; reminders of the sociable person I was.

If I admit to myself that I am a shell of the person I am, that might sound like I feel quite depressed. I feel quite ambivalent about that statement. My resolve against the despair and accidie stays strong, but I do feel in a little way that I am caving in.

I feel an air in my chest, warm, heavy, moist. Like the same air in my lungs when I have tears. I ought to stop talking about this for now, as its feeding fuel to the fire.

My health is getting a bit better from my illness. Perhaps this day I shall attempt jogging. I hope that I fit into my new suit and look well inside it. I'm meeting up with school friends (and maybe Greg...) next week. I must avoid the latter and will reject the former if i must.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

saying hello in public

in my stronger moments today I went out to primark to buy some pants and socks (as my current cohort are shredded and worn out). On my way home I saw a woman that I recognised, a family friend. I walked passed her and as I did, I smiled as a greeting. A part of me thought maybe I should ignore her, but I stepped out and faced the possibility of embarrassment to greet her and acknowledge her. I still felt embarrassed because I forced her to greet me as I maintained eye contact.

I wonder if I made her feel awkward. Assuming that I got the right person in mind, she used to be my childminder for a period of a year or two and further to that, she has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and not the good kind that you get rid of either...

After passing her I thought to myself: you should not be concerned about embarrassing yourself; that may have been the last time you ever saw her.

a comfort zone

I have little habits and quirks. Those kinds of things that take years to develop. I have lately een unquestioning of these habits and merely let them go by. Sometimes habits can be bad, like smoking. Sometimes habits can be a great thing like waking up early, or brushing one's teeth.

I've found jogging a recent habit. However I think on some days I give it a miss due to the inconvenience of getting my gear together, or as I am now, a little bit poorly and physically weak to do it safely.

I was just thinking now, while reading an academic encyclopaedia (not wiki) on an article, about how I myself used to dispute issues in a seminar room. When I was a joint-honours undergrad, I was in a subject where people didn't know very much avt scientific developments. I often had to roll out my greater knowledge of the issue to (a) shut them up and (b) stick to the proper issue of the seminar and not go off in a tangent.  I then led myself to think about a following issue. What are those things that I have habitually learned and developed?

I wear very similar clothes and a schema to characterise my individuality. I carry certain things on my person at any given time. I find distinction in the watch that I wear. Note that I have worn only three watches over the past 10 years. I also have a quirk for 'small is good' and mobility. It is almost like a philosophy, a mindset that extens my beliefs to my actions and dress sense, and even the things that I keep in my pockets. 

I like to have things in a very particular way, or if I'm in a situation where I am not in control of the effects or environment; I like to keep a little package, or container, or collection of things that I consider essential so I can be mobile. I aspire to have a travel pack so that I can be individual and yet immerse in many environments. My attitude to clothes and the various gadgets I keep is a constant conversation: what is good to wear? when shoudl I change? should I add anything? how can I integrate and reduce? However, I've found lately that some things have not been challenged; namely, some habits that I have had have not been negative to me. Does that make my habitual behaviour and practice a beneficial thing? I shall leave the jury out I suppose.

I used to love waistcoats and dress shirts, now I have been so far away from it that it has been phased out to the past. I now wear T-shirts predominantly but have recently re-learned about formal dress. I bought a suit last month (as I probably mentioned) and one old practice that I have is to wear a particular (a very particular)  set of cufflinks. I would hate wearing any other pair right now.


about 3 montsh ago I had this attitude of 'any day now I'll get an offer...'

Im starting to feel that way now; not in the sense of expecting an offer, but just a reply from the universities.

It's a dreadful state of mind, a disappointment every day until it comes. I felt that way for 9 weeks late last year. It devastated me and changed me in a real way. I think that my health is getting better today from that nasty virus. I wish I ate that pizza that mum made last night now (oh, the irony).

I have one thing to say which I am making intentionally vague. Some things happen in one's life which must stay secret. I have been, at my discretion, intentionally not mentioning certain acts, thoughts or feelings that I have. I have been doing this to protect me: if I purge it from my mind and the surface of my thoughts, then it will not be an issue.

Part of me is alwo thinking 'secrets make you sick'.On the other hand, I've been far too candid to a select number of people for far too long. Candidness is not a moral obligation or virtue. It is a voluntary act.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

still ill, still shit

I have had another vomiting fit earlier. I removed some poorly cooked food from my system. I kind of like vomiting. It makes me feel a sense of achievement. I partly miss the purging. I hope this illness has made my weight decrease.

I recieved a facebook intrusion from an old friend; I'm embarrassed to reply, cos he's a hotshot and I'm in a shithole right now. My life feels pretty horrid right now and I am bathing in this physical pain to forget about my wider calamity. It's nice to be back home with my parents although I do not like the way that they undermine me. I am also having spontaneous excretory problems which is wholly unpleasant. The 8-week mark has passed for the one university I am yet to hear from.

When I think about it candidly, I know that I will be rejected and yet there is a part of me which tries to find a reason to believe that they will give an offer. I wonder: do rejections get sent out sooner than offers?

Never worse for wear

It's about half-past 3 in the morning. I woke up over an hour ago and on my way to the toilet I puked up almost without warning. It was a projectile vomit and it made a nasty sound as it fell to the floor. I feel horrific. Feeling ill has heightened my sense of despair.