Lately, I have been almost accepting of my situation. It is almost ironic that this uncomfortable situation, this horrid state of limbo is soon becoming something I accept. I feel like I am becoming increasingly unwilling or ambivalent to change. I'm almost afraid of it. I keep saying that I will want to improve but I am not.
I am not quite depressed in the sense of when my life wasn't so good. Back then, depression was a comfort. It was comforting to lament, to despair, to stay in an extreme and absolute state of mind. Absolutes seem comforting. Niggling regrets, unsure convictions and moderate doubts are the stuff of real life. Moderate doubts are things like beliefs of science; beliefs about one's past; or convictions that what one did were the right thing. Always subject to some reasonable degree of doubt, but not in some kind of absolute way but in a way that appeals to some kind of rational standard.
I'm watching an episode of lost; where one character, Hugo ('Hurley'), is reminiscing his mental health problems. I sometimes look back on my days of depression and I find that I am a little less able to relate to those people. Today, I feel a little bit of sympathy for those depressed days. When I think about Marie lately (okay, I'm sorry about mentioning her...), I think about how she made me feel about myself. I think about how it made me feel to be acknowledged and respected by a girl. I feel like how I wanted very badly to be liked by a girl, to be understood, to be acknowledged, to tell my secrets to someone. The girl abandoned me and she made a promise.
It's the second girl who made that promise. I love Antonia and I feel that it is a realistic belief that I have a future with her. I still think about Marie, I think about her and recently I started to feel comfort in my thoughts about her. That is a dark place that I get into. I go into a place in my head when Antonia shouts at me or when I feel distant from her. I hate the feeling of being distant from her, yet I covet the place I go to. The place that I go to in my mind is absolute.
I must accept that I do not feel warm things of Marie. I resent her. Yet I seem to find solace in those memories. I also seem to be revisiting an old friend of my psyche. Before you consider me insane, see it as a psychoanalytic or introspective thing. I've been doing it for over half of my life.
This other person is a part of me. I have started to believe that it is not a good part of me, and a part of me that I should not listen to, a part of me that tries to convince me of things when I want to meet absolutes. On the other hand, that person is also someone I like.
My brother told me in a text message that he broke up with his girlfriend. My brother told me not to talk about it for a while because it is difficult. I'm not very close to my brother but I think that some events can be difficult to deal with and that pushing forward with other things may help move on.
I think that I need to want to change more. I have to have the desire to change. I feel like a reject in my life. I must save myself
I am not quite depressed in the sense of when my life wasn't so good. Back then, depression was a comfort. It was comforting to lament, to despair, to stay in an extreme and absolute state of mind. Absolutes seem comforting. Niggling regrets, unsure convictions and moderate doubts are the stuff of real life. Moderate doubts are things like beliefs of science; beliefs about one's past; or convictions that what one did were the right thing. Always subject to some reasonable degree of doubt, but not in some kind of absolute way but in a way that appeals to some kind of rational standard.
I'm watching an episode of lost; where one character, Hugo ('Hurley'), is reminiscing his mental health problems. I sometimes look back on my days of depression and I find that I am a little less able to relate to those people. Today, I feel a little bit of sympathy for those depressed days. When I think about Marie lately (okay, I'm sorry about mentioning her...), I think about how she made me feel about myself. I think about how it made me feel to be acknowledged and respected by a girl. I feel like how I wanted very badly to be liked by a girl, to be understood, to be acknowledged, to tell my secrets to someone. The girl abandoned me and she made a promise.
It's the second girl who made that promise. I love Antonia and I feel that it is a realistic belief that I have a future with her. I still think about Marie, I think about her and recently I started to feel comfort in my thoughts about her. That is a dark place that I get into. I go into a place in my head when Antonia shouts at me or when I feel distant from her. I hate the feeling of being distant from her, yet I covet the place I go to. The place that I go to in my mind is absolute.
I must accept that I do not feel warm things of Marie. I resent her. Yet I seem to find solace in those memories. I also seem to be revisiting an old friend of my psyche. Before you consider me insane, see it as a psychoanalytic or introspective thing. I've been doing it for over half of my life.
This other person is a part of me. I have started to believe that it is not a good part of me, and a part of me that I should not listen to, a part of me that tries to convince me of things when I want to meet absolutes. On the other hand, that person is also someone I like.
My brother told me in a text message that he broke up with his girlfriend. My brother told me not to talk about it for a while because it is difficult. I'm not very close to my brother but I think that some events can be difficult to deal with and that pushing forward with other things may help move on.
I think that I need to want to change more. I have to have the desire to change. I feel like a reject in my life. I must save myself
No comments:
Post a Comment