Tuesday, August 31, 2010

ps. i'm in a good mood

Things I have done other than apply for jobs:

1. Requested tickets to book events at Foyles, charing cross
2. Watched 4 episodes of enterprised
3. Snacked (naughty!)
4. Booked tickets (or the ticket lottery) for about 4 different bbc recordings
5. Listened to the inception soundtrack, which gave me an adrenaline boost.

For some reason my mood has lifted a little. Partly from an email from my boss at the intern office, as she said when I go over tomorrow there will be a packet specifically for data entry. That takes away the anxious uncertainty of not having something to do. I'm weird like that. She is a little bit attractive you know, she also reminds me of this girl from uni, perhaps a bit more attractive though; this girl was in my course and also worked at the student radio station, I was a news writer. Did I ever mention that? Despite my time in first year of uni being sucky, I made a little bit of a way for myself. Call it recovery. I feel in a good mood. Perhaps I'll play piano tonight, or read. Or both. I think I've seen enough star trek for a while though...bloody xindi and the delphic expanse, and mccoys crisps. I think I might save myself if I eat nothing for the rest of the day. I like that its sunny at quarter to seven. I don't like that sunset is in an hour.

Okay, back to life, right  now i'm trying to determine if I can get pictures from my HTC phone.

P.s. I'm in a good mood.

Anton Webern in the Afternoon

I'm getting little upset triggers, to call it a trigger is a bit strong. Maybe a hairline, or something like that. My ex's birthday is coming up. Last year I made a photobook for her and she insulted me all day and night for it. She said the pictures made her look uncharitable and fat. Then she dumped me.

I really want to scream, or purge, or something. I think I should go jogging. I vacuumed the upper floor today, emptied the bag. I played with my nephew a little. I'm surprised at how much he grows up every week. It won't be long until he's going to feel the angst of girls (or guys, if he's into that, side note: I wonder if guys are as much heartbreak and trouble in gay relationships). I think I'll give her a birthday card, because I'm a nice guy.

So, I've sent off two applications today, did a little bit of job searching, read self help articles, and I've even made a new playlist. I'm a little tired of the music on my playlists; Aerosmith on one, W.A.S.P. on the other, and some melodeath band called 'Soilwork' which sounds emo and terrrible and fake. How come everyone has tattoos these days? Anyway, I digress..

I think its good weather for a jog, however I feel that I'll inevitably fall behind in my schedule. So maybe I'll just procrastibate for a while. Well, not literally mastubrate, but read up GReader, or an episode of Enterprise. Knowing me, the stupour probably won't go away after that. On tuesdays I need to sent off applications for two days worth of activity, since tomorrow is my office day.

Ugh. What am I doing with my damn life. For some reason this schedule is the reminder of who and what I am when I am completely absent minded and dumb. I am otto, and you, google, are my notebook. I bet you readers are too fucking dumb to understand the reference. I feel I'm wasted on this existence.

Oh well, at least there's Anton Webern in the background. I think I'm gonna watch enterprise. I wonder what my weight is like...

Aerosmith in the morning

Good morning, I'm sure no one read's this anyway. However, this little diary is my own bloody indulgence.

So, the topic on my mind today is communication. As I may previously have stated in posts, I read wikihow articles in an effort to seek self-improvement tips. Some I have found are nice gems of tips. Of course life experience comes in as a good contributor to noetic truths. There are a few wikihow pages on communicating properly. I'm going to make a list of propositional remarks.

1. My parents, perhaps due to being non native english speakers (although that excuse is wearing thing) have trouble communicating in proper english. Now by proper english I mean the highest standard of grammatical perfection. To most normal people they are 'okay'.

2. I have issues with my communication, and a chip on my shoulder because my poor grasp of communicating ideas was one contributing factor to my poor postgraduate performance. This weighs heavily on my mind. It's led to my insecurity about the english language.

3. I am as a result of (2.), self conscious about the english of other people, and I find many flaws of their english. Their flaws also remind me of my own. Call that a noble hypocrisy if you will.

4. I make an effort to improve my english, I like the grammar girl podcasts (I live by them). I've read the 'The Elements of Style' and the wikihow thing is small pennies by comparison

5. I have pretty bad woken english. Partly this is because I speak too fast and there are errors. I think to myself (perhaps in a Wittgensteinian way) that language in speech is thought itself. So, consequently, poor language is unclear thought. For someone with an MA, that's the highest offence to have unclear thoughts or a lack of clarity.

6. I mumble, mumbling is when you talk in a low, indistinct tone where words are not enunciated as well, so words sound unclear. The worst kind of mumbling is my dad's, I ask him again to repeat what he says, and often he says a different sentence. That indicates to me that he doesn't even know what he's saying. If I were to unpack what my dad often says word for word, it would not make very much sense at all. I make an effort to nitpick on their flaws. Any professor should do the same for me. This is my effort to embody the higher values that I wish to aspire to.

7. Aspiration needs embodiment of those values and goals it aspires to. In order to be in a better situation, I need to think in a better way. My mother often uses anaphora in a way which makes no sense at all. 'Could you get the thing?' she would ask, what fucking thing? 'over there', where is there? you aren't pointing.

8. My parents embody a slovenly set of proletarian values, and it is my social immobility which frustartes me the most. Why should I bother with reading commentaries on German Idealism when my parents are comfortable with double negatives and big brother (and I don't mean anything from Orwell, either).

I'm glad that's off my chest. Back to my day. I feel awkward going into the office on wednesdays. Mainly because I dont think they have 'work' for me and I feel uncomfortable and unwelcome there. Are they waiting for me to 'leave'?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Research day: distracting inner thoughts

I'm reading this article at the moment: Compulsory heterosexuality and lesbian existence (A.Rich). Today is my research day. I've not committed to very much today unfortunately. Mostly wanking. Mea culpa.

As I'm reading this article, which essentially codes much of the status quo on heterosexuality as the undermining of women's social status; I cannot help to agree.

When I was younger I had authority figures, teachers, parents and so forth. Entrusting authority to others is a way of giving them power, and trusting what they have to say. I'm reminded of Antonia, as she trusted this hippy fuck because he seemed all so wise and lived in a caravan.

As I type these words and think these things, I feel that I must purge after I write this post. I've unearthed upsetting throughts which I feel I shall try to articulate. My ex is a female slave, she enslaved herself to the heterosexual ideals of finding a man to save her; as if she needed saving. A woman who undermines her own independence and self expression has made herself a worm. I feel bad for her. I always told her that she should be independent; to which she replied 'I am independent'. Then she talked of 'bagging a husband' after we broke up. I guess she compromised on that independence.

I'm upset in typing this. I'm upset because I miss her, I hate what she became, and I hate what I've become. I'm so terribly angry and despairing of myself, and I just want to make an excuse to purge. Perhaps that's why I'm purposely making myself upset, because I want an excuse. I'm letting 'Mia control me. Is it sexist to describe 'Mia as a her? It probably is. I like this article, I dont read much about feminism. I don't think I will in my life, but I try my best. I thin that feminism seems to be mischaracterised, and even if women themselves mischaracterise feminism it destroys itself. Perhaps ultimately, the man has won if that's the case.

*take pause in writing*

I've had a little bit of a pep talk to myself. Sometimes my thoughts are clearer when speaking than typing. My issue is this.

In 2008 I felt so close to being whole and complete, I set up a vision of my ideal life as a PhD student. It didn't work. I was completely shocked and hid in alcohol and my relationship. I moved back home and the relationship ended. With the relationship behind me, I was forced to look inward. I was too upset with losing Antonia to face what was really inside, perhaps getting over her was a distraction, or perhaps it was my will to avoid my real problems and issues.

These past 12 months are a series of ups and downs. Downs when I lost Antonia, and lost her countless times again as she moved on with her life and new relationships, and as she seemed to provide the chance for me to be with her again. I learned other things about myself too in the past year, I'm relearning determination and how to find that inner resolve and iron will. That journey is ongoing and I am far from near to where I want to be in terms of my will power. But I have made progress. I determine my progress by my weight schedule. I've not purged in a while and its a constant negotiation to try not to purge.

I used to be someone once, someone who had this inner strength. Someone who left ancestral relics in the person that I am now. I live by GCal, always read articles on GReader, I set up a research day, I want to lose weight, I listen to diverse musics; all of these features are percieved measures of self improvement. If I were to build myself up I would be a superior person. When I think of a construal of superiority I think of everything my parents are not.

My parents dont' read books, I don't even know if they can read at all. My parents don't really have much of an education, they see my learning as something against them. They see ideals and ideas and self improvement as entirely alien notions. They lack even the terminology to acknowledge their own limitation. Their world is small. My world is also small. My world is limited by the lack of oppurtunities for employment and courses. My world is limited to the job seekers allowance and applying to admin jobs. I wanted to be an academic and write articles, and now I'm living in my parents house wanking against a pillow thinking about the next time I'm going to get chinese bought with my dole money.

I've become a failure. i've lost my way and will and determination. It may be that the world I aspired to is fundamentally closed to me. To be ambitious is to live in pain. If I had lower expectations I'd be happier. That's the cost of compromise. Why do I even bother with these research days. I could just watch bravo and reality tv for the rest of my life and not bother with beethoven or exploring and expanding my cultural boundaries. The classical music world won't want me, I'm not white and I'm not even middle class. Universities won't want me, arts subjects are funded only for popular projects. Not obscure 18thC scholarship. Maybe you could see me as a martyr, maybe you could see me as a victim. Maybe i'm just moaning.

I'm constantly trying to justify my life. Trying to prove myself. Anyone who says I have nothing to prove is hopelessly unsympathetic.

I think I need counselling.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A message from the Ancestral me

The only way you can preach to someone is to practice what you preach. To embody the ideals you speak of. Not just for avoiding hypocrisy; but also to bear the moral justification and audacity to tell others what to do.

It's not easy to take this position, it can be brave or foolish, depending on how justified you really are.

Just think; the fat guy who is famous for not being obese is not really the icon for the subway chain's fitness ideal; compared to say, the fitness of an actual sportsman.

I need to keep excercising for that one reason. A fit body has the phsyiognomic, and moral justification. So the person you are being preachy to could say 'why should I listen to a fat fuck'.

I'm feeling abit on edge. Perhaps my flaws are being shewn before more. I'll tell you one thing, I dont regret jogging and training earlier. Taking it slowly and pacefully on my body doesn't necessarily mean taking the easy route for training. A relaxed hand on the piano is a faster player than an angry one. Try to show more emotions, diverse repetory shows a diverse, and interesting mind.

That's two lessons from the ancestral me.

Sartorial Expressions

So I'm doing what I usually do over the weekend, I make leisurely reading seem like a chore. Well, it is a chore if the backlog is big. I often make reasons to avoid reading the articles like being busy, or having something more important to do. I suppose I always have something more important to do. I'm presently perusing throuhg a website that the guardian fashion column suggested I look at. It seems that someone else also appreciates the male retro look of corduroy trousers, tweed/hemmingbone, and old fashioned long jackets. They probably don't share my long hair, oh well, I guess that's an 18thC thing.

I think that it is fair to say that my excercise this week has been on the back foot. My back is still giving me trouble. I ventured to call the local GP, but they are closed (damn..). I shall try on monday again, or failing that, tuesday. It is a bank holiday after all. So this week is filled with job applications. Or, it should be. Then monday will be my 'research' day.

When I think about planning things, I do it best when I'm not immediately trying to enact it. So if I'm in the loo, I suddenly have the freedom (freedom because I'm not going to do it) to consider how I may go about my research day. So, what I'm thinking is that I might write in treatise, systematic fashion what my thoughts are on the issue at hand.

When I look at fashionable things, I start to feel like a real human being. I quite like the feeling of adequacy and being like everyone else, not like Jez from peep show, living off mark without a job and just fucking about; or like Richie and Eddie from Bottom. To me those kinds of lifestyles seem like a hurrendous nighmare. Today is a nice sunny day. I might do an errand that my mum wants me to do (retrieve dry cleaning, and pay for it). That shouldn't take too long.

There's a couple of phrases that stick in my head right now. Mainly cos it is because a girl at some point said it.

"Don't sweat it", in a sense it is the most comforting thing a girl has ever said that I've heard. Even more than "I love you" . Don't sweat it, man. It's going to be alright, you are already a smart brilliant person and just keep fighting and you'll be alright. That's what I imagine from that phrase.

The other one is a word: Dilettante. It means amateur. I'm a dilettante academician, I'm not a proper academic or a 'true' academic. But I have a thesis and I'm determined to write it. Call me a quack, or a loony, but I really need to do this. I hope it leads further towards the likes of publications, conference papers and maybe recognition for my work. If universities won't accept me, then I will go to them and make them accept me, be it application, or self-publication. I need peer acceptance though. That's the only way people get recognised these days. There is of course the case of people like Frege and Hume, who were basically 'picked up' by other philosophers who in turn improved their popularity. Were it not for Immanuel; David would simply be a friend of Adam Smith who wrote a bit.

Anyway, I think its important to get my academic head ticking, not least for my sanity. I might venture to doing some gentle stretching. I think that I've fucked up a ligament or torn a muscle. If the muscle is torn I should get better pretty soon with gentle recovery.

I better get on with my day. Oh, there's one other thing I want to mention. I should really make mroe effort to eat less. That really works with weight loss, I think I lost the rhythm after I started going to the chinese takeaway, then the corner shop to snack. I'm going to be more determined with my weight loss and aim for the body that I deserve. I want to feel adequate, attractive, desirable and special. Doesn't everyone else want that? Otherwise I just feel like a bundle of inadequacy.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Normality and rational despair

My back is rather irksome today. I discern that it's my thoracic section, not lower back or neck. It hurts when I lay down. So, lets talk about the past few days.

Wednesday was heavy duty data entry. I felt a bit of pressure cos the project manager intern was giving me reams after reams of paper asking me to process them. It felt a bit overwhelming, but it was the good kind of pressure that I overcame. I wish the pressures I felt in my life were just as surmountable. Coming home was fun, it rained like fuck and the train journey was fairly uneventful and swift. I saw this ethiopian woman with an irish accent talking to her white baby. I thought to myself: wow, modern Britain. I also seem to have a little game when I'm on the train: guess the age. Since i'm not technically mid 20s (fucking hell!) I now feel like a proper grown up. Thing is a proper grownup shouldn't live with parents, and be unemployed. Especially a grownup who reads aristotle and shakespeare as light reading.

Yesterday I thought to myself: Okay, lets get on with my applications: back pain or not. Jogging is out of the question with my poor old back troubling me. I suspect jogging was the reason I fucked it up. I've not observed my weight lately, but I hope my caloruie count is low. I called my latina friends who are visiting, and they asked me out to shop with them, at camden. It was fun, it was hilarious, it was weird. Especially weird was the shop called 'robotdog' or 'cyberdog' which had some high end sex toys, and a really nice pair of trousers. If I had a lovely wide chest that wasn't flabby, I'd buy those leather shorts. I'd feel sexy in them, like a sexy slave. All I need now is mistress. Anyway, on with my story. I dined with the girls, chatted, laughed and we went to a pub to meet up with a fellow countrymen of theirs. It was funny, he was funny. However when I got home, one of the girls' boyfriends called and asked if he seemed a bit odd. My friend (the ever loving boyfriend) was worried that the guy was getting 'too close'. I told him what he wanted to hear. What he needed to hear was that he was paranoid, but I didn't say that.

So I got home, watched some penn and teller (I love P&T) had a wank and that was my day. I dont know how I did for calories. I had beans and toast for breakfast, some semblance of lunch in the form of chinese food (which was horrible by the end), nachos, some beer, and a lovely quiche from M&S when I got home. I think I got my fix of chinese that day. My body keeps telling me to comfort eat in the evenings, I need to reprogram myself.

So we are left with today. I've got about two days backlog with my schedule, but I'm going by bravely. I applied to a fair few jobs these past couple of weeks, but I feel increasingly hopeless and down. I dont know if I can compete in the job world, or the world at large. I know I shouldn't feel this way and compared to my past sense of despair in the past; this is more rational and controlled. Im hopeless as a rational forecast, not as a state of panic. I'm going to be brave and attempt to get out of this pickle of a situation. I hope I can get my life back, going out with the girls yesterday was an important part of getting my life back. I can never forget my friends. Also one of them is a bit flirty with me, I guess that I feel a bit normal flirting with a girl with whom we are just playing with. The whole Christine Hamilton and Louis Theroux thing.

Anyway, I've gotten that off my chest so now I'm gonna send off another application.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Procrastination reverie

Things I have been distracting myself with for the past hour (in thoughts):

1. Shall I go to the prom tonight? It's good tonight and possibly only £5
2. Shall I invite a girl?
3. I need a shower I feel dirty
4. I was also watching this video about the EDL on the guardian, that really worried me. It's scary how there are some Sikhs in the organisation who are basically trying to destroy the Muslim community, its also scary how there are plain old white thugs also in the organisation. Its a disturbing destructive vision of 'the enemy of my enemy is my mutual partner against my enemy'. Scares me, its very complicated too, with the associations and diverse set of intolerances they have.
5. Also thinking about proms
6. Also thinking about asking the girl out
7. When will my latina lady friend text back. I want to see her today
8. my back hurts, when I was brushing my teeth this morning it suddenly went all weird. I cant understand why, but I certainly aint jogging today
9. I got distracted by wikipedia articles on US comedians
10. I love these fish fingers.
11. After I finish this blog procrastination, I'll stop procrastinating, finish this fish finger and then shower
12. I think I feel unproductive cos I haven't showered for a few days, at least I shaved today.
13. Why is my back hurting

okay I'm off now. procrastination over

14. I'm so behind schedule

Monday, August 23, 2010

A tear in the corner of my eye

I'm crying a little bit today. Maybe its the music that matches my feelings. Maybe it's a realisation. I am feeling some things, having some thoughts. I think I could thematise them as follows:

1. I'm alone
2. I'm lonely
3. I don't want to be alone, or lonely
4. I hope things change
5. I feel hopeless
6. I feel like there's no point in carrying on with all these applications and job searches when it seems all hopeless in the grand scheme of things
7. I'm not quite yet at the suicidal point, nor am I particularly close. But, as Marc Maron says in his comedy; it's my comforting thought. Was i so close to killing myself those years ago? I don't know. I think anyone sane would have to attempt suicide at least once, maybe more.

Anyway, I don't want to sound too worrying that I am actually suicidal, but I am lonely, and I think its a good thing that I am less numb. I can do more and feel more when I am less numb. I hate antidepressants for that reason. I'm feeling down, and I wish I could lift it. Personally that sounds like too much to ask for.

Personally I feel the most authentic when I'm just a little bit sad. Not too sad that I can't get out of bed, or too sad that I can't focus or concentrate. But enough to speak of emotional and intellectual truisms with teary eyes. It's raining again.

Feels like autumn...

Good morning.

It's been a couple of days since my last post. That's because I've kept busy. Saturday I jogged, then met up with friends to see The Expendables. Damn, that was a film and a half; laughing at the violence and the exotic ways people died, oh and seeing Dolph Lundgren with Stallone again was an utter delight. Of course there were many other funny aspects about the film, namely, all of it.

After the movie, we went to the pub. We were so loud that the staff refused to serve us. I felt embarrassed for us, the people I sat next to in the cinema (not my party) migrated seats later on as well, due to our loudness. I was paid back in full, which reminds me that I should have swiftly moved to the bank to put in my money. Turns out that I have spent most of it for shame. So, that means I ought to have no social life for the next three weeks at least. I don't even have enough money to entertain my visiting friends. Damn! Oh well, fun was had, and I did get paid back. I lost an earplug from my earphone, but considering that on sunday we went to thorpe park; I think that's the least worst thing that could happen.

We ate royally at the thorpe park (albeit lightly), and then nandos afterward. I ate at weatherspoons, I ate at KFC. All things considered, My laptop fund probably has gone back to a november deadline at the earliest; so maybe that will be my christmas present; perhaps an xmas reduced laptop??? Good plan.

My watches died this weekend, or rather; one died and another I realised died. I'm wearing my kinetic watch. I made it a principle not to wear that watch, as a symbol of growth and moving away from my depressive past of my undergraduate years. However, as a symbol of the fact that no other watches of mine are working, and a kinetic watch needs no battery; I'm going to wear a kinetic watch, I'm annoyed that its not a chronograph like the others. I've been spoiled. The ideal would be to wear a kinetic chronograph watch. I have a thing about watches. I've always had a thing about watches. It's probably the same for many other guys, a watch is a symbol of male expression. I don't do 'power' in a watch, I know many corporate types love the 'power watch'. I like more subtle expression. A simple black leather strap would do me fine.  This kinetic is a metal strap with terrible arm hair grabbing links. I need to keep this secondary backup watch on my person until I can find a suitable amount of money to repair both of my watches. I hate watch batteries exactly for this reason; watches are expensive and maintenance is also expensive. I think I almost completely forgotten about the watch problem this weekend, after having so much fun.

My head went into a weird place last night after coming home, and having my late night wank. It went into a very weird place, I felt emotionally dependent on that orgasm, as if orgasm was that release comparable to purging. Purging is a compensation for how shitty my life is, I feel that maybe wanking is the same to me. It's like a drug, except it's not sold by shifty ethnic minority types (except myself, of course) and its not a commodity i buy from others. I engage in a lot of 'compensation' behaviour.

I went through a lot of head moments this weekend, not mentioning of course the utter fear of rollercoaster rides. The fear was naked and intense, but fun when it ended. It's like food in a sense; the greatest taste is the aftertaste, or knowing it went right to the back of your tongue, and into your throat. It was nice meeting friends, and also assuring to see how weak minded oneo f my friends is; he's an attention seeker, always trying to be funny even when it fails, and he has no sense of reserve. Perhaps I'm being a harsh critic for the same can very well be said of myself. I see him as an example of what I should not be. Life is about nuance, his is not.

I've blogged for too long. I woke up this morning in quite a stupour. Breakfast was suitably refreshing, I feel more alert now, perhaps I may jog later. I felt not up for it earlier this morning but now I am energised a little bit more. I think what would be a more pressing activity is to attend to my schedule which I am behind a day. If a schedule is full for a day, I finish half of it normally; if its full for two days, I finish half a day, and 1.5 days tasks are overflow to the next day making 2.5. days.

Although I like jogging and its important to my self esteem and body image; I believe that my jog hunt must come first. I just hope today isn't a stupour day. Here's to avoiding the old stupour. I'm off now. Toodles.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I may not be purging, but I still have a problem.

I'm emotionally dependent on food binging. If I don't have it, I go in a very erratic state.

I have a problem. I'm going to attempt to rest now, no music. I plan to jog tomorrow.

That is all.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hero for the day

I haven't posted for a few hours. I've been in a bit of a stupour since my internship. I was very tired and I just spent the rest of the day wanking and napping. My diet plan seems to be faltering. Although I have (I think) kept to a relatively low degree of binging (except about 7 biscuits). Purging would seem a neat option of course I risk the very real situation of my gum rupturing since I'm just over a week since the operation.

I've been looking forward to a film, this film is a moment for my friends any myself. We love action movies, we love that we all mutually love action movies and we all became friends because of action movies. As such, The Expendables movie is something we all look forward to. Since most of my friends from school are outside of london either due to work, or holidays; I took the initiative to purchase 13 tickets to the film, and now I'm royally skint. I expect them to pay me tomorrow.

After taking the decision to buy all 13 tickets for my mates, I've gotten their kudos and approval; not just for looking ahead and making sure there are no problems with the day we go out, but as a gesture of great magnitude (great for my small balance too) toward friendship and taking one for the team. For today, I'm their hero. I forgot the glory of such small achievements of helping people. But I do used to have these experiences.

I want to smile that they approve of me, instead of me feeling like I'm their special project, or they are humouring me of friendship with my invited presence. I feel like a real human with respect again. So thats one thing i've committed to today; what else? well today is the anniversary of my 'A' level results. Six years. Every year I blog about it. For the past two years I've underplayed its significance. In many ways that day was the start of my adulthood, and the start of what led to my depression; the effects of which ripple even to today. Life is a long series of chapters and that one event is not unrelated to how things are now.

I used to be a hero of sorts back then too. I got good grades, people thought a lot of me. I wonder if I am still that able, intelligent and worthwhile person.

I also sent off three job applications today. I've more or less about committed to all of my set tasks for today, which is nice. I had a wank about 3pm and then fell asleep listening to podcasts. About 2.5 hours later I still managed to get the tasks done. I suppose, with the exception of not training today (there's always tomorrow) I've achieved a fair amount successfully. To finish off I've eaten a rocket salad for supper. I hope that since its at the top of my stomach, it makes the rest of my stool come out quicker. For some reason, I don't digest rocket salad. Is that normal?

Anyway, I'm going to do something unusual tonight and I'm going to watch my series, Enterprise on my hard disk.

Good night.

p.s. I think the reason I am in stupour so much is that I wank too much. Try not to wank too much...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I applied to four jobs today. I had a 4 hour nap and I think I ate a reasonable amount. No excercise though.

Could I do more? Perhaps, but it's 10pm now.

My counsellor used to say, just think about what is 'enough' instead of trying to do everything. Getting 'enough' done is fine. Tomorrow I'm interning, I probably won't have as much energy to apply to jobs when I get home. On the plus side, I'll be going out and talking to real people. I think that I should have a relaxing bath before tomorrow, get some cedarwood and relax.

4 jobs. I should pat myself on the back, however, I see how much I have scheduled over the next few days. Its insane.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The archimedian introspection

I went for a jog. I felt tired earlier, I still feel a bit tired, but that's because I went for a jog. I thought to myself: since it is still bright outside (at 19:30) I might as well go for a jog. I did. I went jogging, and I didn't go on the green gym, there were lots of people using it. What I did do is go around the park 3 times. I went about 4.7mi, 7.6k in around an hour.

Upon my return home, I felt a bit of shock at my distance, I was then brought down to earth when I saw the average speed, which is 4.8 mph, not bad overall I think, and realistic. I never jog in the evening. I just thought to myself that would be an option since my other undesirable option would be to laze in bed, wank, or a mixture of the two. I decided to have a bath, so that I could perform my scheduled task of scrubbing my feet (two birds in one pumice, as such).

While in the bath, I made an aroma blend of peppermint, cedarwood, lavendar, a touch of patchouli and myrrh. I felt in a bit of a contemplative mood and I thought of all the things that brought me down. I thought to myself: why are you always tormenting yourself with the things in life that are getting you down?

I then replied:

I will not be happy with myself until I'm brilliant.

As soon as that came to my mind, everything came into place. Everything seemed to make sense about my behaviour, about my weird rituals, about the sytematic way I listen to music, about the way I read audiobooks and metaphysics on the tube. I'm still trying to live to that ideal. Its the most profound self expressions and aspirations that I forget, high hopes often lead to small compromises until we are led with some bullshit life in admin.

Alternatively, high aspirations can also mean the audacity to dare. Do I have the audacity to dare? That's the question I must ask myself when I demand one more lap. That's the question when I haven't finished in the day, that's the question I need to ask myself when I need to give an answer to another question: have I been the best that I can be?

I deserve a reasonable rest tonight. Perhaps I might go for a jog in the morning tomorrow (the addict that I am). For now, in my tiresome mindset, I shall attempt to perform more tasks. I want to thank my body for being so good to me. I want to thank my mind for pushing itself. I will be more, I shall be more than I am. Perhaps then I'll be happy.

The amateur expert

Since I started jogging over a year ago, I suddenly became an amateur expert on health matters. Not enough to be a proper expert, but enough to put things in conversations that sound clever. There's acertain type of person, who after a lot of fitness starts spouting off things about calories and weight and BMI and so on. In a sense it should be common knowledge really, but given the amount of obesity in the UK I do not think that it is.

I'm collating my calorie data from the walk I've just had, and it's dawned on me that I'm so ritualistic about these details. Apparently I think that 3000kcal burned is a lb lost if it isn't recovered by food. I must lose weight by burning more than I put in. I must have recovery days and its always important to work out.

If I weren't so fat I'd be a health nut. Despite all the sciency sounding facts, it really is a matter of will, of mind over matter. Anyway. I better have a shower.

my poop is green leaves

Current weight: 227.2lbs

Mood: ehh, i'm okay

Tasks for today: Sign in, telephone interview for documentarian, job hunt.

So this morning I'm taking it a little easy, well not easy, but I'm doing things in my stride. I woke up wanking, I was thinking about a past flatmate who had a very big bum and that turned me on a bit so I had a long drawn out wank. For my sins, I was also listening to some podcasts and an audiobook about great inventions of the 20thC.

When I got up this morning I felt like I'd just have a shit, and then go back to sleep. I had such a long shit that was slightly painful, that the cold weather of the room put my mind in the land of the wakeful. So I've shaved, brushed my teeth (that's the basic functions) and now I'm considering that I might go ahead and put in a tenner in my oyster card. For some reason my mind is deliberating a lot about it; I need to go in the opposite direction of the job centre to get to the tube station that would update my oyster card, although there is a place in the corner that apparently updates oyster cards too. I just want the walk.

I feel that (touching on a past post) another aspect of higher function consists of how many items there are on my google reader favourites tick list, as well as how many items there are on my 'podcast' folder. If I'm active, I'll usually have a podcast or music playlist on, so more tracks played means more activity.

I think that I'll forego the daily jog. This is mainly because I want to heal the cut on my  thumb before I start wearing my training gloves. Lets hope that today will go as well as yesterday. I'm also looking forward to being paid in, especially now that I have a goal to save up cash

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The higher functioning me

If I wake up tomorrow feeling miserable and the only pleasure would be to hide in my head fantasies, at least I've done some amount for today.

There's an extent to which the depression I used to have has long passed. Getting over it is one of the hardest lessons I've had in my life. I've had to rethink the way I do things, and constantly evaluate my activities. I established systems of measurement to productivity; whether I get up in the morning and brush my teeth, shave; whether I keep up with my tasks, how many jobs I apply to, how many boxes I fill up in the top bar of google calendar, how many albums I listen to, how much I fill up in my endnote bibliography; how much I listen to in my music listening list, how high my scrobble count is on last.fm and so on.

It all starts with getting out of bed. Higher functions follow. Whether I can go jogging. Whether I can focus on the computer, or on any task other than porn. If I'm feeling really low, sometimes wanking is the only positive I have. Above the level of wanking,I can have simple level tasks in my GCal which are just quick searches, then there is the harder 'hour long' tasks, and then the longer tasks still. These are the ones that I often put off.

I sometimes use the Conatus system, which is the same as the 'spoon' theory but using the word conatus cos it means striving. Organising my life might seem eccentric, but it comes as a necessity to me as a reaction towards a set of problems, namely, anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, and lack of direction.

Today I feel as if I have gotten a fair amount done. Perhaps tomorrow won't be as productive. I've learned that life won't always be the same day by day. Some days are sad, other days are estatic. Happy ever after doesn't work out so. There's always hard times and perhaps we might have temporary relief from that. This is an insight that anyone who has had depression for a long time and learns to get over it will be very familiar with, so much so that its cliche.

My concentration levels are abnormally high today. I'm not quite sure why I'm able to last so long. Perhaps I'll force myself to finish up today so save up for tomorrow. I'm signing in tomorrow, interning on wednesday, possibly volunteering on friday, paid in on thursday (one step closer to new laptop) oh and I have a telephone conversation with a TV researcher tomorrow.

Receipts (savage garden in the early evening)

Perhaps in addition to a shaved face, I should consider my receipts ritual as another way of keeping order.

For over a year, I've kept receipts of financial transactions. Actually, I think its about for 4 years now. I have a habit of keeping receipts and not throwing them away. That habit turned into a ritual of recording my expenditures in a database. I then remove the receipts that have no use, or keep the ones that remind me of past memories in the memory box; and then I empty out the loose coins left in my receipt box (which was a paper box for a hand shredder that I bought from the dying woolworths in its insane reduction sale).

So, these traditions, these rituals I have come from years of development. I have a lot of rituals, I found that rituals are the way I keep from chaos to order. According to my records, it's been one month and a week since I last went through the records. I like to keep in track of my transactions. Whether to determine if I'm spending too much, or to mark what kind of activities I've been up to.

I think that today I've kept sufficiently busy. I've went through some amount of the day's schedule. I'm not 'ahead' or in check with my schedule just yet. But I have moved forward in the sense that I haven't put things behind or put as many things off. Order is important to me. Order is everything. Order is control. Doing these receipts inter alia keep my life in order. Okay, now I've expressed this thought spurt (another ritual, boy I sound boring...), I can go back to doing my receipts.

Silences and noise

My life is filled with noise. From the pumping bass of downstairs as my parents are busying themselves; to the pumping bass from my own room. I often like to keep a music player on, my computer, my MP3 player...

I've kept my MP3 player on my person constantly for years. Before that was my CD player, my famed old sony CD player. I thought it was pretty cool for its time. Of course, by then, CD players were a dying and obsolete breed. It was the greatest CD player of its fledgling generation.

Anyway where was I? I rarely let the silence in to my head. Or, just uncontrolled noise. I can enjoy the clattering of the keyboard as I type, the playing children outside, planes passing by, or the wind and rain, oh, I also hear an Ice cream van nearby too.

I sometimes think of ideas, and then I think nothing of it. Sometimes I have the same idea more than once and I think to myself, 'oh I really should get to doing that'. And then nothing happens. The purpose of my Google Calendar is to systematise all of thsoe thoughts that I have, and to keep committment to previous thoughts I once had like 'oh I should check on jobs with the british museum once every 3 weeks'. I feel that such an organisational system keeps my thoughts organised and keeps my life organised. It also keeps me infirmed a bit.

I typed some long ass paragraph about how I came to be this organised from a previous state of disorder and depression. But the computer froze and I lost 12 minutes of typing time. So, I'm not going to bother. What I will say is this: fuck.

Sound can be a distraction too. I often take up too much of my concentration in listening to music or podcasts or audiobooks. As a masters student, one of the tasks I put off was 'look into PhD options'. My computer seems to have a few more problems to add to its list. I've determined that it will take until mid October until I am able to purchase a new laptop. In all irony, it will probably be a Q3 2008 model. That is funny, considering my current laptop is about a Q3 2007 model product.

Right, I'm going to look into a local aikido or yoga class. I need more interests. Maybe massage class too...


Let's state some home truths.

I'm anxious.
Anxiety is normal

I'm feel under pressure
For normal people, pressure and stress is important to motivate them to do great things

When I'm in a stupour, I don't feel anxiety or stress, I'm in this limbo state of mind where I am completely ambivalent and almost numb.
When I'm in a stupour, my motivation goes right down

I've spent the past two hours looking for jobs on the guardian website. It's long, man.

I've just finished, and now I'm going to check out sainsburys to get mum a chicken roast. I ate 3 italian sausages with 3 slices of bread today. I feel slightly full, not overly full but comfortably nourished. I overate yesterday. That's bad.

I'm going out for a walk to the supermarket. It's calories. I suppose the contrast will do me good from all this desk based job searching. I've applied to two jobs sofar today, not too bad. I'll make today more productive by an additional task of grocery shopping. I have this weird feeling that I can't shake off. Perhaps its anxiety. Perhaps its something else. I'm quite annoyed at my dad's sloth.

Speaking of sloth. I better get up and go out.

I'll talk to you later.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Revising goals

In consideration of my fluctuating weight, and the decline of the initial hopes of weight loss I once had, I've decided to alter the inflexible. I've decided to change the weight goals on my caloriecount profile. Instead of aiming for 140lbs and some impossible goal of thinness. I will aim for 200 lbs. It's still overweight, but I'm going to slowly aim for small stesp, I want to aim for little transition steps, instead of big leaps. I want to aim for what I c an immediately do, in lieu of the bigger picture.

When I had anxiety problems, I was not good at either goal. I had no future plans, and I could barely plan tasks a few days ahead. Finding a flat was so difficult to plan. I faced a lot of pressures back then, and many I needed to surmount in order to learn to be an adult.

I'll aim for small steps, instead of big goals. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't aim high. It's just that big tasks have lots of little components. Learning a chopin piece means learning every little bit. Construct the piece through layers and seperate parts, and then learn to play it together; then, perfect it.

I haven't played enough piano in a while. I am reminded of this insight when I practice.

Effort takes too much effort (Ulver in the morning)

I'm presently listening to what sounds liek a splice between genuine folk music and black metal. Ulver are quite interesting in that regard.

Lets talk about what I'm really posting for. I came back from training. Today's training session is different to previous ones. I only went 2 miles (3.2km) today, but I spent half an hour working on the cycling machine in the green gym. I then spent some time on the leg machine and then I jogged on. I didn't have any space to use the upper body machines as these little tykes took over the machines with their parents. I hate when that happens, but what can you do..

So, I'm back home, blogging, logged in the data, and mum's making breakfast. I ate chinese last night. Not the best decision. I feel a bit more comfortable in my skin. I've gained weight, or rather, I've not 'lost' weight. I'm 229lbs, despite thte fact that the only reason I haven't trained in the past week was (1. a beer festival) and (2. surgery). I need to keep going. I feel that I've made really good ground and I've kept a really good pace.

I need to text reply to that girl who has been text-bothering me.

I had a nightmare again. Basically the nightmare is reminding me of the little girl I left behind when I left to come back to my parents. I did want to be her dad, I just needed her mum to wait for me. Her mum didn't wait and she's now moved on. She has a new little 'sister' now as Antonia's new partner has a child of his own. I think they are both happier now. But where does that leave me?

I'm lonely, unemployed, gaining weight and my computer is failing me. I'm glad I'm jogging. At least I'm upright when I jog.

On balance, I feel like I'm fighting a battle. A battle against my own depressive thoughts, and a battle against the job market that I'm so desperately trying to get in. I've got a telephone conversation with a BBC researcher on monday (following my intern story submission on that website).

So today I have lots of things on my schedule, at least I've gotten the jogging procrastination out of my system on the early side of 1pm. I look forward to watching the expendables next week with my mates. After I finish writing this blog, I'm going to prepare my clothes for a shower, go to a shower, and then put new clothes on.

I'm typing this because my thoughts aren't so clear and I need to verbalise my activities. I will then sort out this cut on my thumb which I got during training (part of the reason I stopped today) and then I'll venture towards a breakfast meal which my mum has made. Once that's done with, I'm going to get on with my schedule. I should venture to not push back my tasks anymore.

Wish me luck. I need a miracle to get my life back.
I want my life back
I want to be thin
I want to be me again
I want to be true
I want to be good
I want to be eminent
I want to be special

Friday, August 13, 2010

(I've not written a post titled) Positives (in a while)

I know I that I've been a bit of a moaning Michael lately, and I think with reasonable reason. Anyway, I thought I'd do something different and go back to an old style of post that I used to do from the past. That is, listing positives

1. At least the sound on my computer works. I've listened to a prolific amount of music this week. Alice Cooper, Rolling Stones, White Lion, Portishead, Emperor, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Savage Garden. In short; It's quite a lot.

One measure of productivity for me is how much I max out my plays in last.fm. There's a former friend of mine with a scrobble count of over 130k and I want to match him. I'm halfway there, mind. He's had last.fm for 4 years longer than me, so I think that I'm a bit active in my listening habits. I'm more systematic too, that's the academic in me speaking

2. Jogging. I am jogging, I've jogged 5 times between last friday and this friday. The days that I haven't jogged were for excusable things like: surgery, interning, and meeting a friend; oh there was that day when I went to see the 'A' Team too...

Yesterday I felt my knee giving out so I ended prematurely, I felt a near cramp on my calf today, and my knee coming up again, but that was mainly because I didn't warm up properly. After 20 mins on the cycle in the green gym near where I live gave me a renewed sense of power. I felt my feet sinking into the ground when I jumped off the bike. It was weird. Considering that it has rained twice today and I caught the jog during today's only sunny period; I think I am quite fortunate. I'm also jogging out of insecurity since a new girl has sorta come into the fore. See 3.

3. Texting girl. There's a girl texting me, she's cute (from her picture at least); she's also into me (or at least has some text obsession). I am a bit aloof in how I reply, that's for two reasons: firstly, being aloof is cool, secondly, I hate being needy and attached to any single piece of technology (including my dying laptop)

4. I just feel a little more positive. Its perhaps the jogging, or perhaps the fact that I've gotten an email about my intern submission; but I feel loads better. Well, not 'loads', but a fair amount

5. Two friends from my distant past are here in the UK to visit. These two are girls, one I used to have a thing for; and the other is a good friend that I haven't seen in a long time.

Before I sink into stupour, I think I'm going to have a shower. This base layer is good at soaking up my wetness, but I still need to change my pooey pants. I've got a weigh in schedule for tomorrow, even if I don't fit the projected target (227  lbs) I will still hope to keep jogging, keep pushing and keep aiming forward.

I must be posotive. Despite appearances, I've got a lot of things going for me. I'm going to make a special effort to save up for that new laptop.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Post surgery prescribed ibuprofen in the morning

In the past couple of days, I've 'let go' a bit. Since the operation on monday I allowed myself to eat more. There is a big stitch in my gum, right on the side of my mouth that makes it feel like a bit of food is there. Okay, lets talk about some things.

1. Girl news?

I got this message from a girl on a social networking site that I'm on. It went something like this:

'My friend doesn't have a premium membership but she wanted me to give you her number xxxx xxx xxxx, please give her a text', friend

So, I waited a day (it's a bit masturbator to text in the night). Texted her, and we are text chatting. I'm nervous. It's a new girl, also, according to her pictures she's really skinny and blonde. Also she's really fit (in both senses of the word), likes yoga and possibly a bit flirtacious. I'm nervous cos that's just my nature in general. In addition, I'm also insecure about my own body, and generally shy about girls, not also mentioning the fact that I am perennially skint.

(note to self: check balance...)

So, that's an ongiong story. Well it goes on the more I text back. The last text was about her suggesting I swim naked...dirty texts? Will I really send dirty texts to a stranger? No, man, I think I won't (note to self, wank then text, never both at once...)

2. Intern news

So yesterday was fun, I was in front of a lovely lady in the office, and she said 'can i touch it?' regarding my keyboard. It's the second time a member of staff (female) has asked 'can I touch it?'. I feel like I might to a Mort Goldman from family guy and record when they say that, like when he recorded Meg saying 'give it to me'. Perviness aside, I've finished writing a user guide for a database (that I also wrote). I have been making information files for them for the past couple of months and it makes me feel very weird. I'll tell you why; it feels weird because I feel like I'm the only one not doing something monumental in the organisation. Everoyne else is meeting politicians, planning events for the next school year (they work with schools and universities), and other sorts of important things that require superficial amounts of effort, and here I am writing an idiot's guide to computers for them. I feel like I'm the IT misfit, the man with no name, as Dobby so fittingly says in 'Peep Show'. Oh, I love dobby...

Oh, I also got my account posted on the 'Interns Anonymous' website. Isn't that fun? I have an anonymous life as an intern(, or something).

3. Computer news.

The computer is still fucking up. I think if I'm terribly desperate, I'm going to resolve to buying a netbook (wtf? - I know..)

4. Job news:


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Secret lives

I've probably mentioned in previous posts as a mere afterthought that I often have words on print. Last month, I had a book review on some academic scholarship and I helped contribute a firsthand account/interview for a lifestyle magazine.

I've got another thing to add. I submitted an (anonymous) account on a website about internships. I think that I wrote something relatively balanced. Both with bad, good, funny, and personal insights on my internship. It felt like a bit of a lift to have something on print.

So today, I went for a jog, I did a *little* bit of job searching, but I've been distracted partly by my brother visiting, my nephew's weekly visit and the additional encumberance of feeling exceptionally tired. I think I overate today. I've been eating all day. Croissant, watermelon, a couple of bananas, some hash browns and a couple of packets of mccoys. I wish I could have a day where I'm not behind. I did a fair amount yesterday, and some today. I haven't done very much in the grand scheme of things.

When I jog, I feel in touch with a part of myself that I need to rediscover. I need to push myself, need to get out of the comfort zone. I need to be the real me and I need that small quiet voice inside me to speak again. I need to rediscover that insensity that I used to have. The intensity associated with pure hate. I need the hatred to consume me again, a righteous hatred like when Jesus knocked down the stalls in the temple-marketplace. Anyway, lets get on with the day.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Emperor (black metal) in the morning

Good morning. Despite getting up at 10am, I think I'm quite ready to face a full day. Here I am at the desk, shaven face, brushed teeth and I even have my eye cream on at the moment. I had lots of thoughts, lots of feelings, lots of challenging memories, and last night I felt that Mia was definately not on my side. The worst thing that can ever terrify me is my own psyche. Perhaps if I brought that psyche out onto other people, I'd be the worst thing that could ever terrify others.

Anyway, lets get on. Today I have an operation. I also want to apply for 3 jobs before I leave the house. Let's see if I can do it. I've not actually knuckled down for quite some time. There have been various reasons, not all of them good. Saturday I had computer trouble (I still do, but I've made my peace with it). Sunday I went out, I also jogged on those two days (for my sins).

My weight has gone down 3lbs today. That's probably mostly jogging and shitting in my favour. I need to get back down even further and push that weight way down. I spent £10 over my limit yesterday. I hope I don't spend anything this week until thorpe park. That is, if we are actually going there. Then there's expendables the week after (I think).

In the meantime I can always attempt to find a job. Eh? I need to put in some new intensity into it. I need to believe I can do this. I need to believe I can make a cresendo in a single note, as Barenboim said once in a masterclass.

This week, an old friend, and a new-old friend are coming to the UK. One of them I sort of fancy, and I know she fancies me. Once upon a time I thought we'd get involved. Anyway, I'd enjoy the shardenfreuder of seeing one of my friends make an attempted pass at her and FAIL.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Fucking laptop

My computer has more bugs in it than an Indian hotel room. If there's one word that my mind keeps uttering in reverie, it is 'inadequacy'. Inadequacy. I dont really know how to explain it.

When something is inadequate it doesn't fit. It's inferior. It is unfit for purpose, it is bumbling, clumsy, unclear, inarticulate, inaccurate, and all other kinds of failures that prevent it from being a 'good' object or a good thing.

This computer is filled with inadequacies. Part of it is not its fault. Part of it is that its lived its purpose for way beyond its designed shelf life. I'm pushing it further than it should go on account of not being able to afford a new computer. Next week the guys are planning to go to thorpe park, some time after that we are planning to go to see that new film the expendables. my JSA allows for some days out and pretending to be normal. I don't have the luxury of saving up cash, however.

I need to think of a way to get money to replace this laptop. Yes, I know a job would help, but I'm still working on that problem. This is perhaps the second day in a row that I went jogging. Overall it's the third time this week that I've went for a jog. My weight is 330 today. That's really bad, I know. I think that I've got a lot of shit backed up after that constipation episode. Even if I don't, I had a little boo boo this week by eating chinese takeaway (that I subsequently purged some of) and then I had that double pizza order earlier on in the week. It was very naughty. Especially on a day when I was on target. I need to adjust my weight targets again. I'm really disappointed with myself let it be said.

Alas, I'm just pleased that I fixed *some* of my computer today. My sound card has a little bit more functionality but still youtube does not work. Its enough to be an intern so I guess for now that's all I can hope for.

Anyway, tomorrow I have an operation. Mum is good enough to take me with her. In addition, I will also attempt to apply to more jobs, if I'm still conscious. Anyway, I'm off to a movie. I like movies. I am also going to eat some nandos.

Onwards with the day!

computer problems upset me

I've got problems. Computer problems. I hate competer problems because I can't fix it. I hate when computers break down. Computers that break down are inadequate pieces of technology. Such inadequacy that I see in people, like my parents, people in society and myself.

I am surrounded by inadequacy. I am surrounded by the imperfections and funamentally irrevocable flaws of human nature and the creation of humankind.

Problems of my computer

1. Laptop keyboard
2. Spyware in my computer leading to
3. Malware fucking up my computer, most notably fucking up whenever I open a window in google, or once in a while; a random window opens up, or worse of all; whenever i click on a result from a google search, it ends up on a page that I didn't click on. Its unreliability is fucking frustrating
4. Soundcard is up the creek. THat fucks up my life royally.
5. Other things are going on in the background that I can't quite measure or define as a problem; I can't see icons, I can't see my desktop background.

It's fucked up. It's truly fucking up. I NEED THIS FUCKING LAPTOP TO WORK!!!

This is taking time away from other things I need. I need my laptop to work to get my life back. Fucking hell...

I am low on cash and I need the money to buy a new laptop and I need money to get my life back. I feel like I'm sinking in the mud. I'm reliving memories. I think I'm going to sleep, worried. I rarely worry these days. I have almost forgotten how it feels. In a way, these testing experiences make me feel philosophical. That said, I can't think when I'm anxious, I'm fixated on the problem s and not on how I can make solutions.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Yesterday I went to the beer festival. It was pretty average. I drank a bit too much, but I drank reasonbly. I had a few too many stout samples and probably didn't drink any more than 4 pints. No hangover this morning. It's just that stouts and porters taste very hefty. In addition, going to Earls Court was a little unfamiliar and you know how I am with going to new places...

One thing that was really weird and fucked up for my head was that a girl was there. A girl I went out with about 3 years ago. She's a finalist in her PhD studentship and probably will be a doctor in about 18 months. That's depressing on my part. I wish I had a PhD..

This girl was the first girl I ever went out with. Back in late 2007 after I got out of the nuthouse. In fact it was a week after the whole nuthouse incident. Its impressive how so much occurs in that confined bubble of university. I decided to go home after an hour of her joining our party. I played off an excuse that my tummy was hurting; I couldn't do more than 5 hours of drinking and my parents were coming home. All of which are true reasons.

When I got home I felt a bit down, here's why:

1. Feeling inadequate socially - not having a job and all
2. Feeling ill - Stouts didn't agree with me, I eventually threw up. I kind of used that as an excuse to go the full whack and vomit my stomach contents out. Call it double effect *wink*
3. Annoyance - Guy at REED wants me to go to their branch in order to 'sign a few things'. I dont want to sign shit with them. I've had enough fo those fucking cunts. I don't want the hassle of going to see them ever again. I think I'll block their number, and email.
4. Sadness - I got a response from the counselling people. Assessment appointment costs £60, further appoitnments between £20-40.

I can't really make that kind of money. I might have to sacrifice counselling for saving money. It's a bummer. It really is.

My hangover made me feel like death for a few hours, but then it faded. The rest of the evening was okay, I tried wanking but I lost my mojo so it was a long drawn out session. Parents got back after midnight and today I've mainly attempted to pick up the pieces from disorganisation. I think I've done okay sofar. I went jogging today. I did nearly 3 miles, over 4.5km and my average speed was 4.8 mph. I did a new excercise today. I was doing simulated pullups. Its like pullups but not your full weight. It's very difficult but not impossible. I felt a real stretch of my muscles as I challenged parts of my upper body that I don't usually test. I didn't go very far with it, but it made me feel very woozy, very light headed, almost a bit 'fainty'. I had to warmdown and slow down with my calisthenics, then I went for a jog. Upon returning I was chatting to my parents a bit, did some computer-y type tasks (sorting out ongoing malware problem). I now want to lay down in bed. My arms feel tired and my upper body feels a bit out of juice. I'm going to try to catch up on more things...

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Why the hell am i watching high school musical?

I woke up around 10am today.   My brother comes in. He tells me that he might be leaving the band. In addition to helping him find something from the shed; I also tidied up the house, hanged up the clothes and searched for a few jobs.

Not bad I'd say. I'm pondering to myself whether to go out for a jog. I'm in the gear, and its great weather. I probably won't be able to go out for a few days yet with my parents coming back home, and a cinema trip, and a beer festival tomorrow.

For some reason, I recorded high school musical and I am now watching it. I'm watching it for a few reasons. I'm trying to rediscover my teenaged mind; I'm trying to catch up ith the young peoples, and I'm also passing the time. Also, those girls are really cute. I love how that Vanessa Hudgens girl was nudey in those pictures.

So the story is about extracurricular activities. I rmember being in school. It was such a long time ago. I use to think to myself what kind of man I'd be when I was older long after school. I'd rather not think about the disappointment, but whatI can focus upon is the life I have now. That's all I can do, and that's the best I can do.

That whole craziness of pizzagate is over, although most of it is placed into my colon. I am  debating to myself whether to go for a jog or continue with my activities. I think it would be prudent to jog right after I finish this shitty film. I should tidyup my room and consider any other place in the house that requires a wash or a tidy.

my room is in a bit of a state at the moment; however, i shall deal with it in time. I taste a nice tint of lemon in the cod fillet I just ate. Its' a remnant from yesterday. I think I'll weigh myself after this film finishes and then I'll jog.
It's nice weather today. yesterday it was rainy. I had more fun yesterday as a result of being in my own little room that day. I haven't quite finished the user guide but I will eventually. I then worked onsome spreadsheets concerning expenditures.

Its weird, I do have office skills and yet I'm not in a jog. I still think fondly of my 'high school' self. He was a pretty nice guy, I was a pretty cool guy.A lot has changed since then, I'm very much a different person now but I'll nevertake back who I was back when I was 18,well, maybe I'd like to have had more confidence with girls..

This has been an exceptionally long post, I've attempted to type through watching a film. I've done neither activity well, but I have lived nostalgiacally (isthat a word?)

Anyway, I'm off. I smell weed from somewhere....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Two home truths

Good morning, by the way.

I have been awake since what seemed to be 6am. I've been snacking, shaving, laying about, catching up to the archers, shitting, mroe shitting, and pondering.

I think i'm going to avoid masturbating. It's like an alcohol I am addicted to. Speaking of alcohol, I had one of those moments which I do not know if it is either spontaneous or a bit depressing. I decided to have a nice long bath, with essential oils. Lavender, Patchouli and Mandarin. I then had a bit of gin, well, about 1/4 of a bottle of gin, and I filled the rest with watermelon juice. It tasted okay. I got really drunk, but the reason I chose to get drunk was because I wanted to have a heart to heart.

Alcohol is one way to have a heart to heart, and since I was alone in the house, I'd have a rare oppurtunity to just do whatever I wanted. So, I was in the bath, bathing, naked, and drinking watermelon gin. There's one for the memories. I then ordered a pizza. Perhaps not the most responsibel decision. It was a BOGOF pizza since dominos had a special deal on tuesdays. I ate one pizza and I left the rest for today. I ate three slices this morning and I already feel sick. Here are some home truths:

1. Nothing can hurt me more than what my ex said to me the last time we met earlier this year.

As soon as typing that, I feel a sudden pang of pain in my stomach. Perhaps thats symbolic, perhaps I need a shit. *pause to poo*

2. The reason I'm behind all my tasks lately is because I'm trying to avoid the one most important task

That task being to think about further PhD options. I've put it off for so long that I feel unable to continue hoping. There's nothing worse than losing purpose. There's nothing worse than losing yourself. I might as well be fat if that were the case.

Speaking of fat, I've just shifted some shit out of me that felt horrible. I think it might have been there for a while. Now I need to expunge that pizza out of me and I'll be on my way. I perhaps was a little irresponsible to have that pizza yesterday, and I'm left with a veggie pizza today. At least supper is sorted out for me. I need to get with the programme and face my life. I'll tell you that not having a wank, and getting up early while watching the archers is a good sign. I've finally caught up on the more recent episodes. I've not followed the storylines properly since probably may-june.

Here's to hoping for a better future, and here's to overcoming those two home truths. Ah shit I think I need to piss again. Ugh....damn mushrooms

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Note to self: Stop wanking

Oh god, I am in such a state today. I've had about 4-6 wanks today. I think I've squandered a lot of my day by watching star trek, masturbating and more masturbating. On the plus side, at least I didn't watch two seasons of dr. who.

I am in a stupour today, and this has to stop. My intern day at the office is tomorrow, and I need to apply to more jobs, or else I'll forget what I'm really here for.

Let's keep going and lets see if, despite it being 6pm; I may make something of this day. On the plus side, I've not got much armpit sweat, and I( think I'm within my controlled calorie limit. I wish my life was not so bleak and despairing. Give me a break, better still; I need to get my self respect back. I'm wanking to overweight porno stars as they remind me of my ex. That's slightly fucked up.

good morning

This morning I am feeling a little down today.

I'm in bed right now, typing from the external keyboard. My motivation is down at the moment. Part of the reason is getting the rejection for the job yesterday. Another part of it is everything else. I wonder why I bother carrying on sometimes. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel hopeless and despairing. Can I prove to myself that I have the will to move forward? Can I prove to myself that I can forge a new identity through fire and steel? I don't know. In days like these, I imagine mia next to me, as if she's a girl.

Mia has dark hair, pale skin and knows everything about me, the projection of her gives me comfort and that inward sense of security. I have memories. August perhaps, of all months, is the most difficult so far in terms of memories. I'd want to purge but my throat is empty. Perhaps I might start off with a wank, or a substantial breakfast, or perhaps some way in between. I'm not feeling great today, I'll try to forge something slowly.

One step at a time, that's what my old self used to say. I'm tired of platittudes, I've heard enough of them in my life. What my present self would say is that action is what matters.

I'm typing this post because I have no one else to share my feelings or my identity with.

I'm ever so slowly fading away. No one is there to catch me, no one is there to love me right now. There's a thought that comes to my hea, one that is very pernicious and frightening. What if I am becoming like that guy who died a couple of months ago? He stayed in his room all day doing nothing with his life. I am turning into him. My greatest fear, incarnated as me.

I don't say this often, but I feel despearate, I wish someone is here to help me right now. I wish I didn't have to be alone right now. Someone please help me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Wagner in the early evening

I'm listening to a lovely performance of the second act of Tristan Unde Isolde from the proms yesterday. It's so powerful, it's so emotive, its' so passionate, its' so glorious and indulgent and romantic. Wagner is a composer who I typically do not like, but He's really something.

I would love to listen to more opera, better still to watch them live. I live in London so that shouldn't be so hard. I love the leitmotif of Wagner. It reminds me very much of the soundtracks and incidental music of the 20thC, that would make sense considering his degree of influence.

When I listen to classical music, I feel like I am transported to another world. I become 'that kind of person' who likes opera, but more importantly, I lose myself in the opera. I lose myself in the music, I lose myself in the moment, filled with that intense and overwhelming sense of passion where my defenses are down. I am reluctant to listen to music lately because I have a lot of mental defenses about it. I wish I could listen to something without putting up a front in my head. I cant let go and just be.

I feel like I'm listening to the wrong music. I need to express myself by the type of associations with music. By the types of books and audiobooks that come to me. I don't feel right now that I belong in an opera house or a classical music venue. I'm not welcome there, 'my kind' of people aren't welcome there. I dont know why I feel that, perhaps its cos of my self esteem that although I feel completely isolated, I also feel excluded, that makes me feel like I'm of a certain type: someone who isn't welcome to be there. At what point did I turn into the riff raff that wasn't welcome at a lecture theatre? I've become what I hate.

Anyway, I won't let that interrupt my enjoyment of wagner. I'm going to focus on being active today. I have kept busy, I've burned a few calories walking about today and I've not eaten a great amount today. It's 5pm, that means I will soon be able to retire to bed.

For now I'll follow up on those tasks that I've not paid much attention to. While enjoying Wagner. I really like the BBC. They put out documentaries that help my awareness of the world, they put out lots of classical concerts that I can enjoy from afar, and they make lovely arts and culture broadcasts like Composter of the week or 'In our Time'. The BBC helps me express that emptiness that is from living the way I do. I can elevate myself to that person with a masters degree. Not the fat person who ate a cod fillet from his parents money. I might have some happy juice today just to take the edge off.

Dio in the afternoon

In one way you could say that I've done nothing today. By yesterday's comparison, however, I've been quite busy.

I woke up later than should be desired. However, I did get up. I got fucked over with my oyster card again (cancelled train). I went in to the job centre to sign on. With that behind me, I went home, I didn't bother to jog back. I was in a hurry as it took me a long time to fill in my job search record (Is that a good sign of me doing a lot? - not sure).

Anyway, upon getting home, I went grocery shopping. On the way to the shop, I purchased some cosmetic effects. I abused that £1 a bottle deal on herbal essences shampoo, plus, my clay mask was being sold for 1/4 of the price. I hope it's not an end of product sale. After getting home, I was in quite a sweaty state, however my base layer was doing its job very well. Upon getting home, the first thing on my mind was just to lay there and warm down. I half did that, and half didn't. I slow cooked a couple of cod fillets, and I oven cooked some mushrooms and a courgette as accompaniment. I then watched some star trek and doctor who while the food cooked. I unpacked, tidied up the house a little from my careless stupour yesterday. After that, I decided to eat (while watching enterprise).

I decided to use up more of the hair removal cream on my chest. I have destroyed the hairs on my belly, chest and a little bit of my crotch area, most notably the bits under my balsl and behind my legs, the hard to reach places. Oh I also did my armpits. I heard somewhere that you can prevent sweating by having less armpit hair. It's not exactly a virgin forest in my armpits. I've probably shaved them at least twice before in my life. I thought I'd try something different. I can see a lot more of my body without chest hair and armpit hair. I see more flab, but I also see more tone. I'd like to think that I have eaten a small amount today.

After showering, I then lazed about a bit watching enterprise. These past few days have led me to more philosophical thoughts. Philosophical in the 'thinking about your life and losses' way, not 'metaphysics, epistemology and language' way. I think that my mindset is changing. I may have binged a few times this week but I think that I am growing as a person and I am improving my outlook. Antonia talked to me a couple of days ago, It felt weird. I'm not sure how to feel about her. But I think I'm getting over the hump. She's having relationship problems. It comes part and parcel of being out with a single dad, I guess.

When I have a strong and beautiful body, I'll have the moral authority to be the real me again. I've been thinking about the real me. Whatever that means.

Often in my life I have an influencer part of my psyche trying to incline me towards something. Sometimes it is for evil, sometimes its for good, sometimes its accidie par excellence. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things, but I'm not sure I'm able to articulate it systematically.

I feel a distaste for many people. I hate people who have no motivation to improve themselves. I'm tired of people who say 'in english please?' when I say words like 'magnanimous'. I hate being limited by plain and simple english. I hate b eing limited by this non university environment. But I also dislike that elitist rabble who wont let me into their universities because of funding or cos they think I'm not good enough.

In a sense I belong to neither the normal or the academic world. I am alone in that regard. I'm alone in other ways too. My friends don't want to go to see any opera or classical concerts. My friends certainly wouldn't go to see black metal with me.


I've just gotten an email while typing this post. I'm going to pause the dio, it doesn't fit my mood. That job I got the interview for? Another rejection.

Story of my life...

Well, I guess you can't say I wasn't expecting it .I was just hoping for something good. That's life eh? No luck for people like me. I don't have good skills to fit in the real world, I dont have skills for the academic world, and I dont have skills for the normal world. I'm an outcast many times over.

There's lots of stuff I can talk about on this blog, I've got stretch marks on my body. I've got memories of past times. I've got feeligns I feel now. Right now, however. I'm kind of on a bit of a downer. I'm down cos I just got rejected for another job. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, you never get used to that rejection, especially when you really want something.

I thought I could be a good kind of different. But I'm not, I'm inadequate. I'm not quite there, I'm a waster. I'm a waste of life, I wasted my life, I waste your time. Why would anyone want to bother with me.

At least mia cares about me...I think she might pay a visit to me today. With mia I don't feel as alone. Judge me if you must, but you aren't there looking out for me. I might try to avoid purging by keeping busy with all the stuff i haven't done in the past few days. Excuse me while I look in the distance unsure what to do with my day, with my week, with my life...