I'm crying a little bit today. Maybe its the music that matches my feelings. Maybe it's a realisation. I am feeling some things, having some thoughts. I think I could thematise them as follows:
1. I'm alone
2. I'm lonely
3. I don't want to be alone, or lonely
4. I hope things change
5. I feel hopeless
6. I feel like there's no point in carrying on with all these applications and job searches when it seems all hopeless in the grand scheme of things
7. I'm not quite yet at the suicidal point, nor am I particularly close. But, as Marc Maron says in his comedy; it's my comforting thought. Was i so close to killing myself those years ago? I don't know. I think anyone sane would have to attempt suicide at least once, maybe more.
Anyway, I don't want to sound too worrying that I am actually suicidal, but I am lonely, and I think its a good thing that I am less numb. I can do more and feel more when I am less numb. I hate antidepressants for that reason. I'm feeling down, and I wish I could lift it. Personally that sounds like too much to ask for.
Personally I feel the most authentic when I'm just a little bit sad. Not too sad that I can't get out of bed, or too sad that I can't focus or concentrate. But enough to speak of emotional and intellectual truisms with teary eyes. It's raining again.
1. I'm alone
2. I'm lonely
3. I don't want to be alone, or lonely
4. I hope things change
5. I feel hopeless
6. I feel like there's no point in carrying on with all these applications and job searches when it seems all hopeless in the grand scheme of things
7. I'm not quite yet at the suicidal point, nor am I particularly close. But, as Marc Maron says in his comedy; it's my comforting thought. Was i so close to killing myself those years ago? I don't know. I think anyone sane would have to attempt suicide at least once, maybe more.
Anyway, I don't want to sound too worrying that I am actually suicidal, but I am lonely, and I think its a good thing that I am less numb. I can do more and feel more when I am less numb. I hate antidepressants for that reason. I'm feeling down, and I wish I could lift it. Personally that sounds like too much to ask for.
Personally I feel the most authentic when I'm just a little bit sad. Not too sad that I can't get out of bed, or too sad that I can't focus or concentrate. But enough to speak of emotional and intellectual truisms with teary eyes. It's raining again.
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