In one way you could say that I've done nothing today. By yesterday's comparison, however, I've been quite busy.
I woke up later than should be desired. However, I did get up. I got fucked over with my oyster card again (cancelled train). I went in to the job centre to sign on. With that behind me, I went home, I didn't bother to jog back. I was in a hurry as it took me a long time to fill in my job search record (Is that a good sign of me doing a lot? - not sure).
Anyway, upon getting home, I went grocery shopping. On the way to the shop, I purchased some cosmetic effects. I abused that £1 a bottle deal on herbal essences shampoo, plus, my clay mask was being sold for 1/4 of the price. I hope it's not an end of product sale. After getting home, I was in quite a sweaty state, however my base layer was doing its job very well. Upon getting home, the first thing on my mind was just to lay there and warm down. I half did that, and half didn't. I slow cooked a couple of cod fillets, and I oven cooked some mushrooms and a courgette as accompaniment. I then watched some star trek and doctor who while the food cooked. I unpacked, tidied up the house a little from my careless stupour yesterday. After that, I decided to eat (while watching enterprise).
I decided to use up more of the hair removal cream on my chest. I have destroyed the hairs on my belly, chest and a little bit of my crotch area, most notably the bits under my balsl and behind my legs, the hard to reach places. Oh I also did my armpits. I heard somewhere that you can prevent sweating by having less armpit hair. It's not exactly a virgin forest in my armpits. I've probably shaved them at least twice before in my life. I thought I'd try something different. I can see a lot more of my body without chest hair and armpit hair. I see more flab, but I also see more tone. I'd like to think that I have eaten a small amount today.
After showering, I then lazed about a bit watching enterprise. These past few days have led me to more philosophical thoughts. Philosophical in the 'thinking about your life and losses' way, not 'metaphysics, epistemology and language' way. I think that my mindset is changing. I may have binged a few times this week but I think that I am growing as a person and I am improving my outlook. Antonia talked to me a couple of days ago, It felt weird. I'm not sure how to feel about her. But I think I'm getting over the hump. She's having relationship problems. It comes part and parcel of being out with a single dad, I guess.
When I have a strong and beautiful body, I'll have the moral authority to be the real me again. I've been thinking about the real me. Whatever that means.
Often in my life I have an influencer part of my psyche trying to incline me towards something. Sometimes it is for evil, sometimes its for good, sometimes its accidie par excellence. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things, but I'm not sure I'm able to articulate it systematically.
I feel a distaste for many people. I hate people who have no motivation to improve themselves. I'm tired of people who say 'in english please?' when I say words like 'magnanimous'. I hate being limited by plain and simple english. I hate b eing limited by this non university environment. But I also dislike that elitist rabble who wont let me into their universities because of funding or cos they think I'm not good enough.
In a sense I belong to neither the normal or the academic world. I am alone in that regard. I'm alone in other ways too. My friends don't want to go to see any opera or classical concerts. My friends certainly wouldn't go to see black metal with me.
*pause*
I've just gotten an email while typing this post. I'm going to pause the dio, it doesn't fit my mood. That job I got the interview for? Another rejection.
Story of my life...
Well, I guess you can't say I wasn't expecting it .I was just hoping for something good. That's life eh? No luck for people like me. I don't have good skills to fit in the real world, I dont have skills for the academic world, and I dont have skills for the normal world. I'm an outcast many times over.
There's lots of stuff I can talk about on this blog, I've got stretch marks on my body. I've got memories of past times. I've got feeligns I feel now. Right now, however. I'm kind of on a bit of a downer. I'm down cos I just got rejected for another job. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, you never get used to that rejection, especially when you really want something.
I thought I could be a good kind of different. But I'm not, I'm inadequate. I'm not quite there, I'm a waster. I'm a waste of life, I wasted my life, I waste your time. Why would anyone want to bother with me.
At least mia cares about me...I think she might pay a visit to me today. With mia I don't feel as alone. Judge me if you must, but you aren't there looking out for me. I might try to avoid purging by keeping busy with all the stuff i haven't done in the past few days. Excuse me while I look in the distance unsure what to do with my day, with my week, with my life...
I woke up later than should be desired. However, I did get up. I got fucked over with my oyster card again (cancelled train). I went in to the job centre to sign on. With that behind me, I went home, I didn't bother to jog back. I was in a hurry as it took me a long time to fill in my job search record (Is that a good sign of me doing a lot? - not sure).
Anyway, upon getting home, I went grocery shopping. On the way to the shop, I purchased some cosmetic effects. I abused that £1 a bottle deal on herbal essences shampoo, plus, my clay mask was being sold for 1/4 of the price. I hope it's not an end of product sale. After getting home, I was in quite a sweaty state, however my base layer was doing its job very well. Upon getting home, the first thing on my mind was just to lay there and warm down. I half did that, and half didn't. I slow cooked a couple of cod fillets, and I oven cooked some mushrooms and a courgette as accompaniment. I then watched some star trek and doctor who while the food cooked. I unpacked, tidied up the house a little from my careless stupour yesterday. After that, I decided to eat (while watching enterprise).
I decided to use up more of the hair removal cream on my chest. I have destroyed the hairs on my belly, chest and a little bit of my crotch area, most notably the bits under my balsl and behind my legs, the hard to reach places. Oh I also did my armpits. I heard somewhere that you can prevent sweating by having less armpit hair. It's not exactly a virgin forest in my armpits. I've probably shaved them at least twice before in my life. I thought I'd try something different. I can see a lot more of my body without chest hair and armpit hair. I see more flab, but I also see more tone. I'd like to think that I have eaten a small amount today.
After showering, I then lazed about a bit watching enterprise. These past few days have led me to more philosophical thoughts. Philosophical in the 'thinking about your life and losses' way, not 'metaphysics, epistemology and language' way. I think that my mindset is changing. I may have binged a few times this week but I think that I am growing as a person and I am improving my outlook. Antonia talked to me a couple of days ago, It felt weird. I'm not sure how to feel about her. But I think I'm getting over the hump. She's having relationship problems. It comes part and parcel of being out with a single dad, I guess.
When I have a strong and beautiful body, I'll have the moral authority to be the real me again. I've been thinking about the real me. Whatever that means.
Often in my life I have an influencer part of my psyche trying to incline me towards something. Sometimes it is for evil, sometimes its for good, sometimes its accidie par excellence. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things, but I'm not sure I'm able to articulate it systematically.
I feel a distaste for many people. I hate people who have no motivation to improve themselves. I'm tired of people who say 'in english please?' when I say words like 'magnanimous'. I hate being limited by plain and simple english. I hate b eing limited by this non university environment. But I also dislike that elitist rabble who wont let me into their universities because of funding or cos they think I'm not good enough.
In a sense I belong to neither the normal or the academic world. I am alone in that regard. I'm alone in other ways too. My friends don't want to go to see any opera or classical concerts. My friends certainly wouldn't go to see black metal with me.
*pause*
I've just gotten an email while typing this post. I'm going to pause the dio, it doesn't fit my mood. That job I got the interview for? Another rejection.
Story of my life...
Well, I guess you can't say I wasn't expecting it .I was just hoping for something good. That's life eh? No luck for people like me. I don't have good skills to fit in the real world, I dont have skills for the academic world, and I dont have skills for the normal world. I'm an outcast many times over.
There's lots of stuff I can talk about on this blog, I've got stretch marks on my body. I've got memories of past times. I've got feeligns I feel now. Right now, however. I'm kind of on a bit of a downer. I'm down cos I just got rejected for another job. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, you never get used to that rejection, especially when you really want something.
I thought I could be a good kind of different. But I'm not, I'm inadequate. I'm not quite there, I'm a waster. I'm a waste of life, I wasted my life, I waste your time. Why would anyone want to bother with me.
At least mia cares about me...I think she might pay a visit to me today. With mia I don't feel as alone. Judge me if you must, but you aren't there looking out for me. I might try to avoid purging by keeping busy with all the stuff i haven't done in the past few days. Excuse me while I look in the distance unsure what to do with my day, with my week, with my life...
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