Saturday, July 31, 2010

That thing Nietzsche said about demons becoming you...

Mia's influence is something I try to resist. She's a voice that's always there. Sometimes I'm strong enough to resist, sometimes I'm not. But whatever happens, her influence is turning me into someone. Even if it is a person who forms in opposition to her.

When I was thin, I was a cruel person. I could say hateful things and make it into an art. It was a skill I used toward people whom I considered it to be a justified act. Back then I had a sense of physiognomic and moral righteousness. As a fat person, I do not have that permission to be a bastard. Thin people do, beautiful people do. It's as if to say 'I'm better than you, you FUCK'. I've held back my anger and kept a good tempered nature of late.

Anger becomes me. Part of me, perhaps mia; is telling me that when I'm thin, I can dispense insults and express my anger and hatred. Hatred brought a lot of creativity in my life. It also brought destruction. I'm not sure if that is a welcome part of me.

I was at a lecture once where it was left as an open question, towards whether a person at their most optimal and their highest amount of eminence; even if they were evil. Would it be better to be the justified villain, or the underdog goodie? n a sense I feel that my life is a story of being forced into the latter. I can easily envisage a person who, if powerful enough, would be a complete cunt.

I never apologise when I'm angry. That's because I believe that I was right, I believe that I was being controlled and directed in my anger and as such, it was justified not meritorious of an apology.

I'm starting to feel that mia as an alternate psyche, a binker; in my head, more than an eating disorder. I dont really 'purge' much these days. But there's something inside me changing. I'm feeling angry. This intense anger, I'm not sure if its at myself or at the world. Mia channels that anger when I purge. Anger is an emotion men are comfortable with. It's less threatening to be angry than it is to express hurt. Who am I? I ask myself this question, and I'm not really sure.

Perhaps I should question less and DO more. Yesterday was a bit slow, except for my jog today (well done, by the way). Maybe I'm just having an anger trigger. But I have had this thought a few times this week: maybe fighting the monster makes me into one...

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