Sunday, July 18, 2010

what's the deal with you?

I got up. Nightmare.

I won't say all hte details of the dream, but I suppose it had lots of symbolism and as I woke, I realised how it made me feel, and what those symbols represented. When that girl asked 'what are your issues?' I suppose the nightmare that I just passed through could answer that.

In the minutes after wake, I became clear about myself, my feelings and my attitude to things. Perhaps some people may see me as strange or not understandable. I am often opaque to myself at times. All these rituals and habitual behaviours are not clear to me until I have brief moments of clarity and introspective understanding.

In that moment I felt myself recovering from a deep sense of embarrassment, shame, loss, loss of self, and self-mortification (in the goffmanesque sense). My way of reacting is quietude, stoicism, and social quiet. Underneath the facade of a quiet person is an angry person, underneath that facade still is a vulnerable one. Bdetter to act like a shocked victim than an angry child.

Mia was comforting me with her thoughts and words last night. I seem to think that if I just let Mia into my head, it's a different thing than putting fingers down my throat and purging. Maybe I don't have bulimia, maybe its just an imaginary friend or somesuch.

Anyway. I've showered, put clothes downstairs awaiting a free washing machine. I've got some tasks immediately ahead of me. One group of friends invites me out to go to their house and jam. The other's inviting me to predator. I've got options. Door number three says: catchup.

I don't have very much going on in my life. I'm a bit of a loser. Even mia said to me today, that if I don't let her in, then I will fail on my own. I've noticed how much shoegaze sounds like depressive black metal.

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