my weight is going down steadily and consistently.
my new diet plan is nicely working. Last night I felt a bit guilty as I ate some aubergine soaked fish fingers in a brown bap. I would have been 900kcal until then, and then i ate it and it was about 1400kcal for the day. That's still within my limit. So, in recent days, I am on this low cal diet, and it is good to me. I've not purged for a while, and most importantly, I've not binged. I purge if I binge, so if there's no binging, there's no purging. I like getting thinner. I've gone down to 224lbs today. I thought that it may not have been possible to lose more after yesterday's extreme loss, but now, I'm finding something to be happy about.
It's a long road and even half a lb a day is a lot of progress. I'll have about 200 days if I went like this; 20 days per 10lbs. I am in control of my food and I love gobbling up vegetables. Things like meat, cake, parties, alcohol, and friends are antithetical to weight loss. I'm going to be please with myself at the point when I am thin again. I want to lose more weight than the old mia days. Last night and this morning with my waking moments, I had a pretty bad dream, as I woke up, I thought about my life, and what I lost with the phd rejection. I thought about all my hopes and how it concentrated on that one application. I thought perhaps most uniquely, about how shitty my life is now and how desperately I need some kind of plug, some kind of fix, to make it better. Doing up the loose screws on the bottom of my laptop is not cutting it for long. Using my dad's work printer cos I can't afford ink isn't helping. I wanted a complete transformation; to elevate myself into a great graduate lifestyle, maybe have my own place, get a girlfriend. Oh, the girlfriend. FUCK. THat's another set of memories I've lost. I've lost everything that matters, including my self esteem.
I'm slowly slipping away. The only thing I can hold on to is the weight. It's not easy to curb when the fridge is full of food. My parents, I think, are starting to notice how much food there is. By not eating I am making my own personal protest. Against their consumerism and lack of good manner, against the indulgence of my friends, against the superficiality and bureaucracy of the world; and in defiance toward the forces that try to bring me down.
I did a fair amount yesterday. I went interning, the boss got me to do a whole lotta tasks, which I completed virtually instantly. The boss then got me to work on this veery complicated spreadsheet which I then did. After about two hours of tinkering and looking up on geek forums. So, I'm an admin monkey. At least its work experience for when I put my fingers down my throat, I mean, metaphorically speaking, in the world of work. I also finished my book two days ago, wrote the book review on the train home from the office; and then submitted it later on. I would like to think that's a productive day.
I think I'll have breakfast-lunch now. Maybe there's something nutritulous downstairs. I like bread. Bread doesn't judge, its' also filling. I like vegetables, they are nice to binge on with none of the calories of meat. My mum is leaving the country to see some family tomorrow, the house will just be me and dad. Did I mention my birthday is next week? Well, I did now, and I'm doing nothing about it. I might cry all day and hide in the dresser. With the increase weight that I've lost, I like to look at my body, and see if there are any changes. I don't think there are changes (good) but I dont think there are any additions either. My tummy is rumblee. I think that means its time to eat.
my new diet plan is nicely working. Last night I felt a bit guilty as I ate some aubergine soaked fish fingers in a brown bap. I would have been 900kcal until then, and then i ate it and it was about 1400kcal for the day. That's still within my limit. So, in recent days, I am on this low cal diet, and it is good to me. I've not purged for a while, and most importantly, I've not binged. I purge if I binge, so if there's no binging, there's no purging. I like getting thinner. I've gone down to 224lbs today. I thought that it may not have been possible to lose more after yesterday's extreme loss, but now, I'm finding something to be happy about.
It's a long road and even half a lb a day is a lot of progress. I'll have about 200 days if I went like this; 20 days per 10lbs. I am in control of my food and I love gobbling up vegetables. Things like meat, cake, parties, alcohol, and friends are antithetical to weight loss. I'm going to be please with myself at the point when I am thin again. I want to lose more weight than the old mia days. Last night and this morning with my waking moments, I had a pretty bad dream, as I woke up, I thought about my life, and what I lost with the phd rejection. I thought about all my hopes and how it concentrated on that one application. I thought perhaps most uniquely, about how shitty my life is now and how desperately I need some kind of plug, some kind of fix, to make it better. Doing up the loose screws on the bottom of my laptop is not cutting it for long. Using my dad's work printer cos I can't afford ink isn't helping. I wanted a complete transformation; to elevate myself into a great graduate lifestyle, maybe have my own place, get a girlfriend. Oh, the girlfriend. FUCK. THat's another set of memories I've lost. I've lost everything that matters, including my self esteem.
I'm slowly slipping away. The only thing I can hold on to is the weight. It's not easy to curb when the fridge is full of food. My parents, I think, are starting to notice how much food there is. By not eating I am making my own personal protest. Against their consumerism and lack of good manner, against the indulgence of my friends, against the superficiality and bureaucracy of the world; and in defiance toward the forces that try to bring me down.
I did a fair amount yesterday. I went interning, the boss got me to do a whole lotta tasks, which I completed virtually instantly. The boss then got me to work on this veery complicated spreadsheet which I then did. After about two hours of tinkering and looking up on geek forums. So, I'm an admin monkey. At least its work experience for when I put my fingers down my throat, I mean, metaphorically speaking, in the world of work. I also finished my book two days ago, wrote the book review on the train home from the office; and then submitted it later on. I would like to think that's a productive day.
I think I'll have breakfast-lunch now. Maybe there's something nutritulous downstairs. I like bread. Bread doesn't judge, its' also filling. I like vegetables, they are nice to binge on with none of the calories of meat. My mum is leaving the country to see some family tomorrow, the house will just be me and dad. Did I mention my birthday is next week? Well, I did now, and I'm doing nothing about it. I might cry all day and hide in the dresser. With the increase weight that I've lost, I like to look at my body, and see if there are any changes. I don't think there are changes (good) but I dont think there are any additions either. My tummy is rumblee. I think that means its time to eat.
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