Sometimes I wonder why I have established all of these rituals and repetitive tasks and a to-do list with so many wikihow articles. I have set myself to read encyclopaedia articles, audiobooks, subscribe to podcasts, listen to lectures, months in advance of the present.
I have also set wikihow articles to read over the next 13 weeks. Why do I do all these rituals? I remember now. I do them because I try to keep a sense of order. When I started university in 2004. My depression came about as a lack of order and structure, and a fear for the future consumed by a sadness for the past lost. I kept thinking about the past, which left me alone in the present and future. That's how the anxiety came, which then took over the next few years.
I got knocks, then i pick myself up. This PhD news is just the latest in my knocks. Perhaps I'm going to turn this into a positive. I feel reluctant to let go sometimes, I also feel reluctant to do new things. I have become a lot more organised than a few years ago. It's taken a long time to get to where I am. I realise this as I am trying to adopt a new set of rituals around food. I haven't purged in a week, which is good. I've not lost any weight for the past two days, but I haven't gained any weight either. I call that a stabilised weight.
Things that worry me are barbeques, social drinking and other rituals of social eating. I'll need to resist and avoid. I'll need to cleanse my body of evils in order to be thin. I realise that my compulsion to eat is largely an emotional compensation for my own inadequate life. I used to be angry and righteous. I've lost both. I'm just boring and orderly.
Today I've applied to two jobs. I'll try to do more. ALmost every other thought I have is fixated on food. I woke up quite late, and I had a long masturbation session this morning. I must not forget that tomorrow I will sign in to the job centre. Maybe I'll jog there. That would be good.
Yesterday I had a nice time volunteering. There was a really nice guy on the front counter, and a very cute lady after him. She was veery cute. Anyhow, the social contact with people made me feel human again. I even spent 25 minutes talking to a weird christian evangelical about jesus. I hate when they bother me on the street. The bastard. I wanted to enjoy the shopping centre and window shop, I just managed to get the 2nd train home after that chat.
I've finally finished watching skins. I can't believe freddy got killed by effy's doctor from the mental hospital. It confirms my hatred of bristol's mental health practicioners. I wish I had a baseball bat for them. Anyhoo. I've finished my book review, which is double nice. Man, I wish I had a girlfriend and crazy sex like in skins. I like how JJ got the single mum as a gf. Sounds like my life after all...
At the moment I'm listening to the Offspring. What a bunch of 90s douchebags. Anyway I better go. I'm just blogging to procrastinate. I recognise these songs. Its interesting. I'm reliving my past as an adult.
I have also set wikihow articles to read over the next 13 weeks. Why do I do all these rituals? I remember now. I do them because I try to keep a sense of order. When I started university in 2004. My depression came about as a lack of order and structure, and a fear for the future consumed by a sadness for the past lost. I kept thinking about the past, which left me alone in the present and future. That's how the anxiety came, which then took over the next few years.
I got knocks, then i pick myself up. This PhD news is just the latest in my knocks. Perhaps I'm going to turn this into a positive. I feel reluctant to let go sometimes, I also feel reluctant to do new things. I have become a lot more organised than a few years ago. It's taken a long time to get to where I am. I realise this as I am trying to adopt a new set of rituals around food. I haven't purged in a week, which is good. I've not lost any weight for the past two days, but I haven't gained any weight either. I call that a stabilised weight.
Things that worry me are barbeques, social drinking and other rituals of social eating. I'll need to resist and avoid. I'll need to cleanse my body of evils in order to be thin. I realise that my compulsion to eat is largely an emotional compensation for my own inadequate life. I used to be angry and righteous. I've lost both. I'm just boring and orderly.
Today I've applied to two jobs. I'll try to do more. ALmost every other thought I have is fixated on food. I woke up quite late, and I had a long masturbation session this morning. I must not forget that tomorrow I will sign in to the job centre. Maybe I'll jog there. That would be good.
Yesterday I had a nice time volunteering. There was a really nice guy on the front counter, and a very cute lady after him. She was veery cute. Anyhow, the social contact with people made me feel human again. I even spent 25 minutes talking to a weird christian evangelical about jesus. I hate when they bother me on the street. The bastard. I wanted to enjoy the shopping centre and window shop, I just managed to get the 2nd train home after that chat.
I've finally finished watching skins. I can't believe freddy got killed by effy's doctor from the mental hospital. It confirms my hatred of bristol's mental health practicioners. I wish I had a baseball bat for them. Anyhoo. I've finished my book review, which is double nice. Man, I wish I had a girlfriend and crazy sex like in skins. I like how JJ got the single mum as a gf. Sounds like my life after all...
At the moment I'm listening to the Offspring. What a bunch of 90s douchebags. Anyway I better go. I'm just blogging to procrastinate. I recognise these songs. Its interesting. I'm reliving my past as an adult.
No comments:
Post a Comment