I just realised that I had a lot of issues a few years back. A lot of it involved 'untangling', that is to say, separating problems before you could solve them. Probvlems can't be solved all at once, especially if there are multiple things trying to get at you. Sometimes you could use one thing to pretend to make them go away, and it lasts for a while.
I got a memory.
Back in 2005. The summer when I realised that I was depressed. Before I go into this memory I think I'll probably play a song that reminds me of this time, and this feeling.
Ah, there we go. Back in these days I was very isolated, and my friends from college seemed to have done well for themselves; at this summer, about 4-6 of them had girlfriends, and there I was, virginal and depressed, failing at the one thing I excelled at (academics). I felt as a complete failure as a human being. Going home for the summer was a minor nightmare. My 'room' was hijacked by my parents. I think the reason at the time was either that my brother moved back into the house or the slovakian builders (one of whom had a passing understanding of English).
For a few weeks, I was stranded, migrating my laptop from one room to the other. I had no room to speak of, and I didn't have much of an organisational system (google calendar came into my use by 2008). I didn't have much money back then, but just about enough for the occaisional night out. Most of my mates were working in the summer, or holidaying. I was left to my own devices. Rarely a moment alone with the builders in the house from 8am - 7pm. I was basically forced out of bed in those mornings because they needed to renovate much of the house. My current room (which was my brother's room when I grew up; then it became mine, then his again, then mine now). has a lot of the furnishings and wardrobes that were part of the renovation. In a way it shaped a transformation of the house.
The first time I came back home from university in october 2004, I noticed much of the house had changed. I noticed my parents aging more distinctly, and lots of new technologies filling the house, like a wireless modem (that didn't properly work for another 2 years). Norah Jones was the sountrack for my life at the time. I always think of Norah Jones during those days. There is an innocence and vulnerability to the music, there is a certain subtle and yet distinct form of melancholy; much like my own. Also, it was music of the time. I didn't listen to 'new' music those days. Even before I started university, I was quite a square and behind on things. It took until 2007 before I really caught up with how music developed in the present. I was just listening to anime, and 80s music or star wars soundtracks to fill the space. I realised in the autumn of 2005 that I needed to get rid of my CD player and the music I listened to. Something had to change
Back to the summer. There was one morning, perhaps late july, a day just like today. I woke up by the unforgiving sun beating down on my face. Because the curtains were down (redecorating, remember), I couldn't hide away. This natural light was a reminder of how shit my life was, and how stuck I felt toward ever making any change. This sunlight beating at my face would not go away, closing my eyes did nothing as the ultraviolet rays peered into the soft, thin fold of flesh to my eyes. I could not escape the reality, There came a point where resorting to dreams could not be possible. I like to lay in bed to stay with the fantasies. I woke up this morning having no memories or thought or recollection of my situation, and then it slowly came back to me.
Unemployed
No PhD
nothing for 2 years
lost
hopeless
lost first and only girlfriend in your life
I miss her
As I realised those things, I reacted to myself as if to say 'oh yeah, I'm here again...'. In a way, that summer morning was not terribly dissimilar to the one today. I decided to get up this morning, however. I decided to get on with my life and make an effort to move forward.
There are bad decisions and good ones. I try to move forward with the good decisions but inevitably I make bad calls. I ate a bit too much today. But I won't sweat too much about it.
Back in that summer of 2005 I felt lost. I felt bored out of my mind. There wasn't much stimulation and I tried to busy myself. The one predominant way that I reacted to this depression and inaction was to eat. Oh boy did I eat. Here's a list
I ate, and ate a lot. I had lots of capacity inside me and I ate my youth and happiness away. I thought I ate to regain it. But really how can you regain it in a situation like that? One is stuck.
I had lots of problems going on, my lack of organisation and willpower were just one of many big things that were wrong with my life. Considering how things were then, I'd like to think that I've grown a lot since then. I just wish I was in a better place now. A place where I could be much happier. Anyway. One of the ways I used this blog in the early times of writing was to write about memories. That was one of them. One that I was reminded about today.
Thank you readers for letting me be conatus, the secret truthful self I can never be in public.
I got a memory.
Back in 2005. The summer when I realised that I was depressed. Before I go into this memory I think I'll probably play a song that reminds me of this time, and this feeling.
Ah, there we go. Back in these days I was very isolated, and my friends from college seemed to have done well for themselves; at this summer, about 4-6 of them had girlfriends, and there I was, virginal and depressed, failing at the one thing I excelled at (academics). I felt as a complete failure as a human being. Going home for the summer was a minor nightmare. My 'room' was hijacked by my parents. I think the reason at the time was either that my brother moved back into the house or the slovakian builders (one of whom had a passing understanding of English).
For a few weeks, I was stranded, migrating my laptop from one room to the other. I had no room to speak of, and I didn't have much of an organisational system (google calendar came into my use by 2008). I didn't have much money back then, but just about enough for the occaisional night out. Most of my mates were working in the summer, or holidaying. I was left to my own devices. Rarely a moment alone with the builders in the house from 8am - 7pm. I was basically forced out of bed in those mornings because they needed to renovate much of the house. My current room (which was my brother's room when I grew up; then it became mine, then his again, then mine now). has a lot of the furnishings and wardrobes that were part of the renovation. In a way it shaped a transformation of the house.
The first time I came back home from university in october 2004, I noticed much of the house had changed. I noticed my parents aging more distinctly, and lots of new technologies filling the house, like a wireless modem (that didn't properly work for another 2 years). Norah Jones was the sountrack for my life at the time. I always think of Norah Jones during those days. There is an innocence and vulnerability to the music, there is a certain subtle and yet distinct form of melancholy; much like my own. Also, it was music of the time. I didn't listen to 'new' music those days. Even before I started university, I was quite a square and behind on things. It took until 2007 before I really caught up with how music developed in the present. I was just listening to anime, and 80s music or star wars soundtracks to fill the space. I realised in the autumn of 2005 that I needed to get rid of my CD player and the music I listened to. Something had to change
Back to the summer. There was one morning, perhaps late july, a day just like today. I woke up by the unforgiving sun beating down on my face. Because the curtains were down (redecorating, remember), I couldn't hide away. This natural light was a reminder of how shit my life was, and how stuck I felt toward ever making any change. This sunlight beating at my face would not go away, closing my eyes did nothing as the ultraviolet rays peered into the soft, thin fold of flesh to my eyes. I could not escape the reality, There came a point where resorting to dreams could not be possible. I like to lay in bed to stay with the fantasies. I woke up this morning having no memories or thought or recollection of my situation, and then it slowly came back to me.
Unemployed
No PhD
nothing for 2 years
lost
hopeless
lost first and only girlfriend in your life
I miss her
As I realised those things, I reacted to myself as if to say 'oh yeah, I'm here again...'. In a way, that summer morning was not terribly dissimilar to the one today. I decided to get up this morning, however. I decided to get on with my life and make an effort to move forward.
There are bad decisions and good ones. I try to move forward with the good decisions but inevitably I make bad calls. I ate a bit too much today. But I won't sweat too much about it.
Back in that summer of 2005 I felt lost. I felt bored out of my mind. There wasn't much stimulation and I tried to busy myself. The one predominant way that I reacted to this depression and inaction was to eat. Oh boy did I eat. Here's a list
- Ice lollies
- Ice cream in a tub
- Lasagne
- Cottage pies
- spring rolls
- oven chips
- fish and chips
- kebabs
- burgers
- samosas
- ribs - oh man I loved ribs
- pork chops
- steaks
- meat pies - I loved meat pies
- Pizzas -ooooooh yeahhh
- fish fingers
I ate, and ate a lot. I had lots of capacity inside me and I ate my youth and happiness away. I thought I ate to regain it. But really how can you regain it in a situation like that? One is stuck.
I had lots of problems going on, my lack of organisation and willpower were just one of many big things that were wrong with my life. Considering how things were then, I'd like to think that I've grown a lot since then. I just wish I was in a better place now. A place where I could be much happier. Anyway. One of the ways I used this blog in the early times of writing was to write about memories. That was one of them. One that I was reminded about today.
Thank you readers for letting me be conatus, the secret truthful self I can never be in public.
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