Wednesday, June 30, 2010

More weight lost

I think the good thing about distress is the amount of healthy weight loss. I've really lost a significant amount of weight these past few days. That's all good and well, but the real marker; the real question is if I keep it lost.

I've dieted for the past few days. I've kept a calorie limit of about 1671 KCals. The awesome thing about it is that I slowly feel my attitude towards food altering. I do not have as many cravings toward binging. According to my records, I've lost a significant amount of weight. The gradient is almost as steep as when I had mia the first time. By these calculations I will be sexy within 6-8 months.

Lately I've started to fancy a girl; its a girl I chat to online. I know how loser-y that must sound, but she seems really nice. She's a domestic goddess, she likes similar music to me, she'se sensitive, caring, and quite sexy if I say so myself. The best thing of all is that she thinks nice things of me. Here's the clincher. It will never work; too far away. But it makes me smile because she's a great girl, and she makes for a nice friend. Its funny that, those anonymous friends on the internet. It's so teenaged. Sometimes I think people like her are my only friends. As I keep isolated from almost everyone else.

I've not purged in a good few days, and this weight loss plan is difficult, but it has had the most progress in any project I've involved myself in sofar. Today I'm off to do some interning. Updating and creating administrative systems and other general office tasks. It must be the most soul emptying job in the world. If I weren't so sadistic I'd not do it. I am doing it because I hate myself already.

Losing weight is the only thing I can hold on to. At least I have that. I hope to get my JSA paid in, backlog or no backlog. It fucking sucks. I hate having no money. I'm kind of trying to sort that situation out by getting a job. I might go into an agency at some point. Can't hurt, and I've hurt my pride enough to do so. I've finally finished that book I was reading and I can hopefully start a book review soon, which will be nice. I will aim to do it for today, but we'll see how it goes. I'll have a nice train journey. Last night I updated my mp3 player by skimming of about 150 tracks of bands I say that I like but I really hate their specific album. One finnish band I really like, only relates to their work in the 90s. In the 00s they went commercial and old. I'm looking forward to going around the summer days in a T-shirt and not feeling awkward. I want to wear cords again, and I want to feel special.

Two out of three won't be too bad.

I want to ask myself today: how are you feeling?

My answer: I don't know, but I found black metal quite comforting yesterday. In a way, I begin to understand when my old housemate called it cathartic. That music, with its bitter and dissonant riffs, expresses a depth of despair and inner disquiet that I cannot allow myself to express. One day I'll be special. One day....

For now, I'll just work towards who I want to be. All I can think of is that person will be thin. Hopefully I'll avoid McDonalds today. I'll see to having a lunch break, or packed lunch. Be that the case, I ought to clean my laptop and get going. I don't want to be late for that train.

Thank you for being a means of my expression. I am not human without blogging on here. I am otherwise utterly isolated, from my family, my friends, and sometimes even myself. This is the lie I live, and it can only be a lie if I have a world somewhere else in which I can be genuine. It is here that I express, and tread upon those troubled waters beneath. I'm in shock, but the more I say what happened to myself, the more I can begin to accept it. After I contemplate on the event of my rejection, I am then led to two further thoughts:

1. What now? (immediate)
2. What now? (medium-long term)

I'm going to be 24 soon and I feel terribly depressed about it. I have two choices. Purge or starve.

That's the story of my life. Metaphorical and literal. I'm fading away, starving, bit by bit of me disassembled by the world, and its rejection of me. Starve: let the world destroy me. Or I could purge: slowly kill myself before the world puts me out to pasture.

Anyway. I better be off. I'll be nice, civil and quiet for my internship. My persona will stay as it is. The mask to hide my pain.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


1. I have lost more weight
2. I feel a changing attitude to food. Especially in this time when binging would seem to be the most comforting thing.
3. I have plenty of tasks to perform
4. I am sitting down and upright, normally that's a good sign.
5. I managed to shave and brush my teeth today
6. I haven't purged in a few days
7. I haven't binged
8. I survived last night
9. I have interning tomorrow
10. I have many challenges to meet.
11. I am broken, but that leaves opportunities to fill the pieces with goodness instead of darkness and resentment.

Monday, June 28, 2010

sinking feeling, continued

My mum notified me that I have another letter. It's the offer letter. How redundant. I receive an offer letter at the same day that I recieve the same rejection letter. I guess I could try to be positive. I got a PhD offer, yay!

For three days I lived in hope. Now, I dont have that hope. I know I got rejected. Okay. It's done. I've said it, I've released that specific hope and intention. I suppose I could say, I suppose I should say, as Antonia would have said; I can now fly on to other things now that I am free.

Do you know what I really want to do? I want to cry and then put my fingers down my throat in some kind of symbolic desperation as I frustratedly seek release. I have been released. It's just not the world I wanted to be into.

What a birthday present. Rejection. What's next, cancer? I wish I had a break.

This is a sign, I'm not going to stop purging. I've opened pandora's box and I'm going to put my fingers down it until the only thing left is hope. Maybe pandora will make me skinny. That's the hope. Oh, I also got a letter to postpone my eye hospital appointment. I wish I was attractive and had a girlfriend. That's the shallow kind of validation most normal people find appropriate. I'm crying right now. Inside, I am not sure how I really feel. There's a part of me that says: please keep going, man. Please keep going. You have plenty of things to do. It's a kind, sweet, supporting voice. A voice that says to me that I have a busy set of tasks that I can still fill my life with. I can still have a full and busy life despite all that has happened. The wait is over, I know. I was kind of expecting a rejection; but then I had that little branch of hope and then it got taken away again so quickly. Three days of bliss and hope, just to remind me of what I could be.

Now I'm left with what I am. I have options now.

1. Continue with being a good boy and apply for jobs, do the internship, spend time at the police station and then maybe I'll be thin. Happy? Who knows, probably not. I'd rather be productive and self hating than just self hating. I hate myself already.
2. There's productive and self hating (explored above), or there's self hate that's so strong that I become powerless to help myself. Maybe I could spend a few days in a mental hospital. Would that be good? I'd like that. Day patient or something. I don't know. I feel really,hopelessly upset. I tried the mental health option. I am asking for help

Will someone help me?

Can someone help me?

I need help. Please make it better. Make it go away. Please make it go away.

My challenge for today is go about my day without showing how I really feel. Maybe thats the only power I have. Going about the day, the days; the weeks, without showing how I really feel. Perhaps that disconnect of having these feelings for real, and pretending to be someoen else is my only hope of control. In short, it means going back to mia. Mia is my little secret. I'm going to keep her, and no one will know. I need to keep it secret cos its the only thing I have. I only have my secrets left. I have lost face. The only power I have is to not give myself away. Maybe I can take embarrassment passively. I need, to purge. I'm going to do it when my dad goes to work (hopefully today if he will), and when my mum goes out to drop my nephew home.

I'm 24. I have no job. No girlfriend, no money. and now hope. I have a masters degree and my dream was to get a PhD. I've lost that dream's chance of being real. Now all I have is the girl who destroys me. At least she'll make me pretty. There's a little whispering voice inside me, I've been hearing it since yesterday. I want to do more than self harm. I want to end it. It's just a little voice, though.

I had this big playlist when my girlfriend broke up with me. All I could do was hold on to it. listen to it until it went out. I feel frozen in this feeling. AC/DC is playing on and on. I hate this kind of rock music. I am just listening to it, holding on and hoping that this feeling, like a candle filled with hatred; will slowly extinguish and disappear. That's all I want to do now; burn metaphorical candles until they have used themselves up and have turned into nothing but vapour and an ashy wick.

This post is my only friend right now. I have no one else to talk to. I have no friends that I can talk like this to. I have mia, she's nice, but she's not everything.

Hide in your head. Burn the candle. That's all I can do now. Burn the candle. Antonia called this feeling the 'dark night of the soul', but I object to that expression for a variety of reasons; one being that St. John of the Cross certainly would not have considered a sinking feeilng of rejection and divine rejection and the emptiness of sin to have been encapsulated by his phrase.

Sinking is a nice word.

I want to assure you, and I tyep this as my eyes well up with tears. That I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a bad guy, I'm not terribly flawed, and I try hard to be a good person. But I need mia. I need her more than you can ever help me. You aren't helping me anyway. My ex isn't here for me, my friends aren't. NO ONE IS FUCKING HERE FOR ME!!!

DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME. I'm so desperate and this controlled act of purging and self hatred while I pretend that I'm a different person is the only relief I have. Its the only escape I have. It's the only way I can let out this feeling of disappointment. I keep asking myself if I deserve this...I don't know

maybe I do. everyone else is successful. even the loser guy in my group who got two Es in 'AS levels' is doing a PhD in astrophysics.

why is this happening to me. what did I do to make this happen? why is everything subject to the decisions of other people? Why can't have I make my own luck, my own chances? GIVE ME A CHANGE. Give me a chance. I'm falling apart and held together only by the lie. Mia doesn't love me, but I need her. I better stop writing this blog post and get on with my day. Like that say in counselling, we've run out of time for this week.

I got rejected from the belgian phd application

So, I had another bit of that baguette, and as I was entering the data into my calorific record. I get an email. It's from my potential supervisor. I thought to myself, ah this is a harmless email about the next stage of the PhD application. "Unfortunately" is the first word of his email's main body.

Yup, readers. I got rejected for funding. How do I feel? I don't know. As soon as I got to reading the email. I read it again, and then again. Then I started reading this blog post, I thought I might talk about what I'm  thinking as a way to therapeutically go through what is going one in my head. I felt this sinking feeling. Like i've lost, and I've lost the final battle. I feel desperate to talk to someone. I feel like time has frozen and I'd feel comfortable if I just stayed in this moment for as long as possible, that way, I'd at least have a chance to not look foward in my life at the bleak hopelessness of it.

I didn't get the funding. That means my PhD dream has ended. I hope this doesn't put you off an academic career, he says.

This sinking feeling, it is distinct. Powerful, all encompassing. It is dark, terrifying and perhaps the most functional descriptor to say about it is. I've had it before. When I got my first PhD rejection. I couldn't speak for a couple of days. I was crying inside and out for a while. I had a girlfriend back then, she was crying for me too. She was sad, she also realised that the relationship we had would have to end as my flat contract ended. Back then, at least I had someone that loved me.

I was paused just now by my mum, who told me that I had mail. Funny enough. I know exactly what it says. I am opening it now. I need to translate it...

I'll get back to writing my feelings later.

A negative list

1. I am fat, and that highligts all my inadequacies as a person.
2. I am a little bit shallow, and I miss human contact with other people; in particular girls. I must put myself out there a little more.
3. I want to go out more and have more fun, of course money doesn't permit it. Thus I must apply for a job.
4. Time is running out. I need to sort out my life. It's two birthdays being in limbo now. There must NOT be a third
5. Mia is one of the only things going for me. I hope to lose lots of body fat. Excercise will help. So will dieting. I want to do this the healthy way. I must resist temptation.
6. There's  a cute neighbour girl who is sunbathing right now. She reminds me of everything I don't have. Beauty, friends, a place of my own, a job, a life, a career, a 'oh its great its summer' attitude. I want to say, fuck this shit!


I went to a party yesterday. It was horrible. The less about it the better. So, lets just go onwards.

The weather in the past few days has been lovely; however it is also inescapable. I felt so hot last night that I seemingly took off my underpants while laying in bed, and I also remember that I was fondling a hardon. I don't know what that was about. I just hope there weren't any mosquitoes in the room ...

So, lets talk about the present. I have a book review coming up, and a book to finish. I have been purging lately, and getting a lot of 'mia' thoughts. I've also been wanking way too much to be productive, it was like when I lived in that student flat last year. It's coming to be over a year soon. One positive thing about having a party is that I spent all day walking about, on my feet and only eating sociably. I drank a lot (read: drank sociably) and it made me feel a bit depressed. I see a depressing side of my friends that i do not really with to be a part of.

For breakfast, I've had a lovely 5-6 inches of a baguette, copiously accompanied with some lovely yellow spread. It really hits the spot, as I felt a bit of hunger pang. I could blame people around me; the influence of friends, the negative influence of parents, the bleak and shitty post-recession Britain with its lack of jobs, or my poor luck in interviews. Or I could just get on, and maybe move on from the honeymoon of emotions I had on Thursday about my phd offer.

So, now what? I'm going to put the breakfast plate downstairs into the kitchen. I'll then take some supplements and pollen allergy tablet. My arms are unbelievably hairy, and I'm wearing a vest today. I feel a little self conscious on a great many fronts. I hope I can eat as little as possible. I remember the joys of having bulimia:

1. The suffocation you have when food get blocked behind your mouth, so you gag and hold your breath in panic and then purge a bit load to get that bit out.
2. the feeling of elation after vomiting
3. Hiding it
4. Losing weight
5. Having a thinner body
6. Having a secret gives me power
7. having something i can hold on to without it being taken away. i suppose the cliche is to say, its something i can control when the rest of the world is falling apart.

i dont think a girl would be into a guy with an eating disorder. but i am not ready for girls, as unfortunate it is to admit. Just look at that belly of mine. I don't like to be reminded of it. Sometimes people really get on my nerves. I think that if I give them a different response they will react differently, another way of control.

That's what I want. Control, because I'm losing control. Losing the fight. Let's see how this week unfolds. Maybe some positives.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The mind underneath

I only applied to one job yesterday, but a fair amount occured. I did a job search. Then I went for a jog. I noted in my log that I achieved my weight target, although I did eat over the limit. I ate mum's cooked food so calorie estimates are  very sketchy. I went for a nice jog, and training session, which took away the stupour in my mind after I felt dull.

I went to watch some star trek; noting that the house was empty. As I went back to my room, I noticed an email from a familiar, and scary belgian email address. I opened it and it says.

Dear Student,

Enclosed is a letter concerning the decision of your application.

I open the PDF file, and what do I find? I was mentally preparing for a rejection.

I got an offer.

Before you start going into emotional overdrive, this isn't the full application. There's one more important issue. FUNDING. The issue that is most important is the money. There's about 100,000 Euros that I need in the funding and the living fees to achieve this PhD project.

While all of this was happening, my mind was going into weird emotional territories. I feel like my old personalities are coming back. Resurfacing to emerge and take their former glory once again.

There are two personalities. And I feel they represent two different aspects of me. These aspects are like, influencing forces on my behaviour. I givethem names.

There is this parto f me that's angry, noble, arrogant, intellectual, and cultured. It's a form of veiled inner rage that is focused and refined into a personality that is passionate, has drive, a personality with inspiration and someone with individualist aspirations.

There's another part of me. Or perhaps, an exernalisation. A female. A female who cares about me and loves me, who gives me little kisses in the morning and they feel warm, and wet, and intimate. The kind of girl who I would wake up to in a hot morning and we'd cuddle in sweaty closeness. I'd love everypart of her and I'd feel utterly devoted to her. She sees me as sensitive, caring, giving, beautiful, and vulnerable. She'd give me emotional comfort and protection. She'd look after me and hold me and nurture me. She'd be everything I wanted and I'd hold on to that feeling for as long as I can; even if its a shadow of a real feeling and experience.

As I hold on to it, it becomes an opiate. The feeling that I hold on to in the morning, desperately buried in my mind, in my memories, churned out into some weird externalised personality. These two aspects of me feel incompatible. They are fighting for some kind of dominion. This person inside me is striving. But who am I? What is the real me? The intellectual who has ambitions and passions and obsessive thoughts about his research? Or the sensitive boy who has a strong drive of love and compassion?

These two worlds are fighting within me. And in a way, I am trying to deny both by my daily life.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

wikihow, spring rolls, and scary liquid farts

This is the summary of my day.

Wake up, force myself out of bed, have a shit and piss. Then I shaved. There's one thing that I often think when my shaving blades go dull and I find it difficult to find another one: 1984. Not the year, but the book. More specifically, the film of the book. I recall how Winston Smith was always pissed off that there was such a limitation on shaving blades and it was a problem symptomatic of all of the inhabitants of that world. The way I see it is that if there's a society that has a problem with finding enough shaving blades; there's a soceity with deep problems. Having enough shaving blades is like a base condition for a good modern society. Otherwise we'd all have beards and long hair again.

That said, I do have long hair. I watched deep space nine and then hoovered up some spring rolls. In a single action (assuming that 1x spring roll is 200kcal) I've almost maxed out my calorie allowance. That's a problem I'll have to look to later on in the day. I have very emotional connections with food. I will seriously need to reprogram myself. When I sit, I feel my fat folds laying in on each other. The so called tyres. Now I'm procrastinating by reading wikihow articles. I read them to learn how to be a better person. I have a lot of articles scheduled to read. Needless to say, I am willing to improve myself and it takes little effort to read this article to reflect upon it.

Oh, and job searching.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Achievements of today

Today I woke up about 9am. Lazed about for a while, then got up. Shaved, brushed teeth. Played lord of ultima. I think I even blogged a little too.

I then got my clothes and bag ready for the events of the day. As I did; I realised I was a little late and I didn't swipe my oyster card on the station. It worked out for me, since the barrier was open. *Yay free train ride!*

So I went to the job centre. Waited 30 mins later than the proposed time, but they'd still bust my balls if I were late. There was a *problem* again. It seemed like the lady I called on monday didn't fill out my details. So I needed to fill out a paper JSA form. What a bloody annoyance. I am not sure if they are going to backdate my claim now. That pisses me off a bit. The incompetence of the job centre and its flawed administrative structure fucking pisses me off.

So as that ended, I was ridiculously late to the interning. There was a cute black girl on the phone during the whole journey, I thought 'how rude', and then she reminded me of a girl in my undergraduate seminar. You know the type; preppy, cliquey, fashiony, skinny and all other kinds of -y that exclude other people and make people feel shit about themselves. There were a couple of milfs on the train too, but they looked a bit crusty.

Anyway, I tried to read a bit more of my book for the upcoming review. I managed to get up to the next chapter, although my attention was half on where the train was going. As this was a new route (new journeys and new places make me anxious), I had to keep on my wits about it. So I went to the office, lovely sexy ladies in summery gear. One of them even said hi to me. She had a name that was like a jewel, but she said it in an oh-so-posho way. Like that keeping up appearances lady. Oh, they are very nice anyway.

I then proceeded to engage with my tasks. The boss told me to look up tickets for her along with prices. That took about 90 minutes. I then did some data entry. Which is also fun. Being alone all the time makes me wonder: what kind of person am I in a group?

I'd like to think I'm quiet, and that I don't bother people. If that is so, then I won't offend or insult or upset people. After finishing, I realised that I was hungry and I went to McD's. It was a pleasure, and I felt quite guilty after a few swigs of milkshake. I realised that I would have been sated with just the milkshake. However since I bought the whole package I gorged it before the train came. There was a lovely lady on the train, she had a gorgeous revealing top and sexy flip flops. A girl with nice feet really turns me on. I also like my enhanced sense of smell where I can detect body odours; its nice with people I think are attractive and not nice with the uglies.

Another thing I'd care to note. I purged yesterday and in a slightly related note. I also lost some more weight. I think that tomorrow will be a gain. The McD's was just within my calorie allowance, but then I downed an almost full bottle of lucozade, and then I had a spring roll. My mum is making lots of nice food because of my neighbour's dead son and lots of visitors. They forget to eat. It's quite sad really.

Okay, so I've described my whole day. That was really easy. I feel quite tired too. My eyes are finding it difficult to focus on the computer. I am too tired to do any more job hunting. I'd like to think that today was a positive day of achievements. I'm going to count those achievements.

1. Interning
2. Reading task
3. Job centre progress
4. Keeping (almost) to diet

Trip hop depresses me

I purged yesterday.

It was because I binged and my body didn't want to make up the calorie difference.

I am 227lbs today. I am glad. I still feel fat, but I'm on the road to progress. This is going to take some time, I know.

I really shouldn't be blogging right now because I need to focus and busy myself and make sure I'm not late for the train. I'm going to the job centre, I dont know how long it will take. Probably longer than I expect (a circular answer but a true one). I am thinking maybe 20-30 mins. After that I am going to go on one train to get to my internship. I hope they dont notice that I'm late.

So today looks like the whole day is predetermined, and that it will be quite enduring. Lets hope that it works out well for me. I'm going to take my laptop over today to  do the work. So lets hope it doesnt explode, either

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Death and taxes

One thing that depresses me is that there are going to be budget cuts that will kill benefits, and lead to things being more expensive.

Taxes is one certain thing. It is also just as dreadful as death. Two most certain things in life.

I want to go into work. I've sent out three applications today and I've tidied up my GReader, and moved forward a little im my GCal.

So, that's positive, right? Tomorrow I will have the dreaded job centre appointment, and then I'll head off to my internship. I have discovered that there is a train that goes straight from the train without any changes to the station near where the building is. It's much better than spending twice the time on the tube, with a bit more of a walk to get back home.

My parents will be out of the house soon. Dad off to work, and mum off to drop my nephew home. I feel like after three job applications and a few searches, I should focus on preparing for tomorrow. As such, my tasks will be:

1. Have a shower
2. Prepare a bag (I will need to take my laptop to the office tomorrow) for travel
3. Fill out job search record for job centre
4. Clean laptop

sweaty is sticky, sweaty is icky

I had a shower just last night. This morning, however, I feel distinctly dirty, I feel distinctly sweaty and I feel very uncomfortable. I need to have a shower soon. It's not even a full day before I had a shower. How fucked up is that!

At the moment I'm (slowly) filling out an application form which seems to require a lot of data that I need to find on the net. Hopefully, since I'm going to fill out the same form a few times over; once I do this one, I'll just need to only do another supporting statement afterward.


My weight5 loss today is supported by the fact that it has stayed lost.  I hope tomorrow offers more prospects for weight loss.

I had a major panic moment yesterday. I won't dwell on it, as I would prefer to edit my life story through this blog. The short of it was, it led to me having a jog and a nice excercising walk. In addition, I also worked quite well yesterday at dealing with anxiety. I decided to end all my tasks after about 5pm when I got home. I had an issue with the jobcentre but hopefully tomorrow I'll go to a meeting with someone and it will not only be sorted out; I will also be paid my JSA for the past month. A so-called backdated claim recovery, or something.

I went to the dental hospital for an assessement, by assessment it meant having an x ray and being told what they already knew. I'll have an operation in about 3-4 weeks, and I'll need someone to accompany me. As I ventured downstairs for breakfast/a snack. I saw my obese dad laying on the bed, sleeping. He's there because my nephew is in the house today, although presently my nephew and my mum are out in the high street. Seeing my obese dad and his inadequacies gives me a painful reminder of what I do not want to be. What I want to be, what I need to be is a better person. I'll try to avoid eating and laziness. It's a challenge for me and a challenge that I'm not always eager to take up. But it is the jump out of my comfort zone that I need badly. As I blog I am having a breakfast of two bananas. Bananas are my friend, they form a lovely sustinence and apparently, they are healthy.

I find it a benefit to eat in this controlled way, I like the notion of logging all my caloric intake on my computer and that it displays itself on firefox. I'm going to list some positives from yesterday.

1. I went for a little jog/trek
2. I did a lot of walking (besides the jog)
3. I went to the dental hospital for an assessment
4. I booked a surgery appointment
5. I made steps to resolve the job centre/money problem
6. I lost weight
7. I kept to my diet limit
8. I survived an anxiety attack

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sunday is a day of preparation

Today I've attended to a few tasks that I've scheduled on my calendar, although I've had to force myself to delay some other (job search) tasks.

I'm going to list what I've kept my attention on today.

1. I have kept a distinct and clear record of all my food input of the day, I've even put in logs of my walking. That may help give me a guide to my calorie cycle
2. I have logged in all of my receipts
3. Related to 2.; I have filed away documents, and tidied up my room a little. A clear desk is a clear mind. Clearing up my documents has also reminded me that I have a few more lingering tasks to do; and other things not to forget (notably: police volunteering)
4. I bought my dad an obligatory father's day present
5. I've done some GCal scheduling to account for my return to the job centre; I've entered my new sign in day, and prepared hours to accomodate for travel to the job centre on mondays. I've also scheduled the hours that I will give to the internship on wednesdays. On a related note, I'll also schedule reading time when I do long travel tasks.
6. I've scheduled a train route, and walking route to the dental hospital for tomorrow. I also prepared my hospital questionnaire.
7. I filled out my job search record for the job centre that goes back up to a month ago.
8. I watched the star trek motion picture; it was on yesterday. What I noticed was that there were exceptionally long scenes of just nothing; mainly just 'scenery'. Slightly overkill.

Lets talk about what's on my mind.

1. Dead family friend. His parents came over today, they were sad. I can't imagine their pain.
2. Awareness of my body. I feel the fat folds and the portrusion of my belly as I sit in various positions.
3. I feel a sense of control today as I attempt to keep a strong sense of order in my life by means of google calendar, and recording my weight loss records, jogging/walking routes (plus calorific costs) and recording food into my system by's calorie service. This sense of order is the positive response to the post anxiety I felt after thorpe park last week which was caused by a number of things. I resolved to deal with them by facing my anxiety and fears.

I'd like to think that this week past has been positive. I had an interview; I started an internship; I followed up my job centre problem and I'll hopefully begin to recieve payments again.

I was hoping that june was a month that I'd get a job. I got two internships and a few interviews. It's an improvement, but I must push on harder if I can get the prize I seek. I'm also in the background, hoping to hear back from Ghent. All of this I deal with as other personal thoughts linger in my mind. Will I ever get my positive self esteem back? Will I be thin again? Will I meet a nice girl? These all seem interrelated to the project of my own personal human flourishing. To think in terms of processes and tasks is the only way I can keep going. I feel that blogging these thoughts are a procrastination. An annoyance of mine that I wish to remedy number two. I wish to shave, as I hate when the facial hair grows too much; and I also wish to have a shower, to clean off the sweatiness of the past couple of days.

I've been putting off the comfort of laying in bed for a couple of hours since my parents have left the house. This is a post today that speaks of a hope, a hope that I will be more one day.

I want to go out on a date, meet girls. I want to be thin and attractive and give off the apeparance of being a lovely and wonderful person. I dont want them to leave me.

I learned from somewhere that it takes 21 days (3 weeks) to learn a habit. I've been acting this way for about 2 days.

I'm going to make a note in GCal to see if this new found sense of order and tranquility within me will last that long.

Wish me luck. I need it.

While you are at it, tell cute girls about me. Or better still, a bisexual guy who is willing to let me have my 'first time'.

You know, I dont talk much about sex in this blog. I should do more, since I think about it a lot. That and philosophy. I read, wank, and listen to music. That and job hunt. I'm a multidimensional person you see :p

Off to shave!

Higher functions: the lessons of lived wisdom

I often use the phrase 'higher function' to denote a certain optimal human performance.

As I've mentioned many times previously; some days present difficulties as small as getting out of bed, or brushing one's teeth, or shaving (which reminds me...)

These past few days have gotten better in terms of what i'd like to call higher function.

A higher functioning person is not as affected by mood, a higher functioning person is able to deal with surprise, changes, or unexpected changes of plan.

I apologise for my lack of articulation today, I feel a bit of a weight presenting itself to me.

TOday I'm a bit behind in my job search, but that is mainly because there's been a death in the family. Its a guy who I may have mentioned in previous posts. He's not technically a relative, but he may well be one. My parents are being supportive especially since we are neighbours to the parents of the person. The guy is about the same age as my sister.

His life was tragic, his death was mysterious. When people die, we often speak of the potential they could have had, or the wonderful contribution they gave, or the legacy they left behind. He has none of those. I called him a loser. Now he's just lost.

His death has altered a few plans I've had this week and I've had to stop a few things or delay them. That's necessary and inevitable in a way. Its the least amount of disturbance, considering the magnitude of the event.

I think I'll miss him. And I'll spend many months thinking about him. My friends are probably getting bored of me talking about him. I feel like I need to talk about him. About his life, about my memories of him. Seeing myself in his life, and seeing him in my life.

People are starting to blame each other now. Full of 'if only' statements. I always said to myself that I'd hate myself if I ever lived in 'if only's.

These past few days, I have been rigorously monitoring my food intake. I'm going to lose weight. One pound at a time. Fight for each pound. This battle isn't just on the jogging route; it is, more importantly, in my diet. I've reached about 1/4 of my daily allowance. If I undereat, I'll consider it a delight. Yesterday, I think I just about reached my target intake; the day before, I just about exceeded it.

The way I see it is like this: I'm full of poo, orange fatty deposits inside my body are going to stay there unless I change the balance of what I put into my body. What will come out will occur as a matter of my heart constantly ticking.

I'm going to lose that weight, and I'm going to improve my life. I'm not going to be like that guy who died. Full of eternal 'if only's

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Avoiding things I don't like

This week I have engaged in a few activities that have been cumbersome of late. I've finally followed up the job centre problems and hopefully tomorrow they will be all resolved.

I had a job interview yesterday. It was in a sunny and leafy area of london, which is kind of a contradiction. After the interview, I took a train to central london and then transferred to another train to start my first day of the internship. The office was nice.

Everyone was friendly, people made lots of jokes; someone had a birthday and they recieved a cake and a nice recitation of happy birthday. Everyone was friendly. I was on edge. Probably because I purged the day before and I was carrying a lot of baggage and fear.

In other positives; I may have a job if the interview yesterday went well. My familiarity with information systems from 4 years of being a student has definately helped me be familiar with libraries. I just hope its enough.

I felt terrified and scared during the internship. The way I reacted to that was terror, and emotional distance. A couple of cute girls who were also interns invited me out to lunch. I however, declined. I said I was busy, which was true. I also felt anxious, and a bit scared that I didn't know the key number. In addition; I also was worried about money; since I don't have much of it.

Hopefully that will change next week. I'm watching Skins at the moment. I have been resisiting the urge to watch it for a few reasons. I know that watching Skins will make me emotional and I feel that it may bring up emotions and feelings that I'm not mature enough to deal with; sexual arousal, fond emotional memories, and other such dark desires. It's making me feel very strong feelings that I dont normally feel when watching television shows. I supopse because I have a strong connection to the city of Bristol and that I have a lot of memories. And I suppose I feel a strong sense of nostalgia about youth; even if I didn't have many friends like the people in Skins; or romantic or sexual liasons of particular craziness.

You wanna know what my teenaged life is like? I was watching anime, dreaming about some fantasy relationship with a princess; studying, more studying, reading and practicing piano.

Would I trade that life for one with girls and parties and drunken nights out and a better body?

That's the open question of the day...

Monday, June 14, 2010

When worries combine

I hate when things are left in the air. I hate when things don't go to plan. I hate when I have a plan and I don't commit to it. I hate when things happen because of my mistakes. I hate when there are lotso f things I hate together and I hate thinking about it when its all together so I see it as one thing and try to push it out of my mind. But I know its there, and I hate it.

I'm going to catalogue my worries, and then let them free like caged butterflies.

1. I lost/misplaced my fancy goggles. They may be in my friend's car. I'm worried mainly because I really like those  goggles and I don't really have much money to buy another pair. I also hate the suspense of waiting on them. I hate losing things, or misplacing things. I've always hated that. It makes me anxious.

2. Money. Money. Money. How do I get money? From a job. Well, my job interview failed on friday (confirmation of that came today). I also am not being paid any JSA right now. I called today; they said they would call back. Guess what? They didn't. I extended my rapidshare account today and I also purchased some takeaway. Don't forget also that I spent a shitload on food and tickets and things at Thorpe park yesterday (i had a great time by the way :) )

3. Feeling fat. I feel fat today. Seeing all my mates and their success made me think of how I am unsuccessful and they are thin.

4. I didn't get much done today. I advanced a few job searches. I also called up the exchange group of the library successfully, and that's about it. If I buy goggles right now I might be able to 'save' the day.

5. Worries/anticipation. I have an interview on Wednesday. I don't think I'll get it but it's worth bloody going anyway.

6. Internship. I am not sure if i'm actually going to the internship, I mean that in the sense that they haven't replied to my 'is it okay if I come late?' email. So, I'm starting an internship? That seems worrying. Its not ideal. I am not getting paid any JSA so where's my money gonna come from? I'm really worried about this

7. Tomorrow is the last 'free' day. I have lots to do tomorrow, from the pre-planned things, to the preparation things (for wednesday); to the 'catchup' things; to the job centre things. There might be an element of the unexpected because, well, there always is. I'm not sure how tomorrow will work out. I want my life back.

Here's what I want for the future.

1. Money
2. Something to say for myself when people ask 'what do you do?'
3. Some hope that I can move out, just any hope that I can move forward in my life
4. Better body
5. Self esteem
6. Confidence with opposite sex

I guess after that all the other things fit into the above. I hate being 23, I hate getting older. And I hate the feeling that life is passing by with nothing to show for myself and my pathetic 'lost generation' existence. I'm trying to make good for myself but the oppurtunities aren't getting to me. I am really stressed and worried and I just hate how life is.

I'm very much expecting a rejection from Ghent. I am not good enough for anything, why bother having fucking dreams. They just destroy you more. The wanker who never aimed high seems to be the happiest man. He's my friend, he's a joiner, he's always showing off on facebook, he's lecherous, and he never pushes himself.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

A forced smile

Today is a day in which I feel very much the urge to give in.

Today I woke up with a sense of jealousy and lonliness. Jealous about my ex moving on with her life and everyone around her being happy. Lonely that its not happening for me. Do I not deserve happiness? I feel that life is telling me that I do not.

I feel powerless today, and I have decided to listen to Mia. I agreed to purge at 7pm when my parents leave the house. On the condition that I get back to my schedule and try to catch up with the tasks that may overflow this week. I've set myself a lot, and I feel that many of these tasks are possibly unncessary. Alas, I will keep an eye upon which tasks should be cancelled as regulars on GCal.

I'm listening to blink-182. Why am I listening to blink 182? It's a douchebag pop punk band and seems to represent everything that is wrong with society. I guess I am feeling that down about myself, I am also in the explorative mindset. I decided to listen to blink-182 because of my spirit of musical exploration. Maybe I shouldn't listen to music I dislike all the time.

Anyhow, I'll try to get on with my day. On the plus side I got out of bed, shaved, brushed my teeth, applied my facial scrub, put on a moisturiser, put on my under eye anti wrinkle cream (I really need it now that I'm older) and I am also clean. I had a shower, conditioned my hair and changed clothes. Clean body means better mindset. That's the theory at least. I catch myself falling into accidie. I'm going to make a real effort today to be stoic and push on with my life. Who knows, maybe one day I'll see this day as a heroic effort that will inspire me. The past weighs nothing on me now. I am in a new and unique situation of lonliness. I can easily count the things that bring me down. I think its time to pick myself up.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Let's not beat around the bush...

I'm feeling down.

Today I'm feeling down about what didn't happen. I'll tell you what didn't happen today; I didn't get a call saying I got the job. That means, I didn't get the job. I was putting so much hope in it.


I'm more sad than angry. Earlier, I was more tired than sad. I napped for about 4 hours. I put on a comforting audiobook on about american history and class warfare. Now I'm awake, and the sun is setting. I'm alone and I feel shit. I felt too tired to call the job centre today. I thought, why bother. Lets focus on positives for today.

1. I spent time at the Police Station. I had a bit of a panic moment. Official secrets act means I can't say what happened. Needless to say, It felt shitty.

2. I got an offer from the internship interview I went to about two weeks ago. The reply was late, so I thought I didn't get it. So. I have two internships offered to me. In a way thats better than one internship, and in a way; it's actually more encouraging than turning down one or both of them. If I take them both up (which I will). I will have experience with working in a political organisation and a lobbying/not for profit group. I suppose that might assist with my employability.

The ideal result of getting that job I went for yesterday, didn't materialise. I guess I have to just get on with things. Persevere, as they say.

I feel like going out and having some takeaway. I'm that desperate. I could go to the chinese place that I always go to; or I could visit the new kebab takeaway place that's around the corner. I'm tempted for the latter, even if only to venture into something new. I really shouldn't, though. My body tells me to seek comfort; and my mia tells me to withhold.

If I judge my food record by what I've eaten now. Today has been fairly good. I didn't eat any breakfast but when I got home today from the nick, I had a fairly substantial lunch; Chicken, veggie lasagne (leftovers from yesterday) and also a couple of pastries.

I feel really lonely right now. I feel that I could just type and type and type and maybe someone is reading and listening.

I don't want to stop blogging right now I feel like this is the only window into my candour.

Throughout my day, over the past couple of years; I've kept my candour to a minimum. I suppose even before Mia, even before Antonia and Marie, I've kept quiet. I see that quietude as a little bit of a virtue. On the other hand, it's a hindrance to keep yourself to yourself.

It protects me and often I've found that not telling how you really feel has benefitted. I'm feeling a bit down today because I felt that I really had a chance with this job interview I was waiting on. Instead I have radio silence and rejection.

I feel so powerless and the only real person I've actually opened up to lately is a voice in my head. I suppose that's pretty low. I'll do what she wants because I have little resistance.


I had a lie in today, I got up about 10:10 and then did my morning ritual. I'm about to go off to the police station in a moment, and my timing is not the best it could be.

Yesterday was my interview. It was for a really good job. i mean, it wasn't graduate style a role but I think I'd really like it and it beats working in a library or something shit like an internship. It's the kind of job I'd be a little proud of, and I would get to wear a suit and look smart and pretty. My hair doesn't go well with a suit though.

Anyway, I'd like to think that the interview went well. I really want to think that the interview went well. I really hope the interview went well. Fuck, I'll say it another way. I WANT THE JOB. The job is in Bank/Liverpool street, in the city of london corporation; its all posh and there are lots of bankers and high dignitaries about and it sounds really ideal a job. I would love it.

At the moment I've got some troubles with the job centre, I've on and off called them every day this working week and I've still got no reply from those bastards. I hope that there will be no need to hear from them if I get this job. I'll also turn down the internship.

I've had a lot of flashbakcks this week, and lots of memories. More and more, the memories are becoming less triggering and less upsetting. I have a feeling in recent days that I am moving forward and going into a new phase of my life. I'm entering some transition.

So I've cleared up a lot of the tasks for the past few days and even went ahead of schedule. Today, however, I see a very busy few days ahead of me. I'll need to keep active when I get back from the police station, keeping up with my schedule and all. So, now I'm off to the station. This day will be a busy one. On the plus side I have a nice day out with friends on sunday. We are going to Thorpe Park.

I just hope that life will be good to me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I'm feeling anxious at the moment. But I have forgotten that the purpose of anxiety is to motivate peole to do the things that they need to do. I have forgotten the positive meaning of anxiety. I am anxious because I have an interview for a job that I would really quite like to get in.

I feel like I can taste the offer coming right now. I'm really looking forward to getting that offer. I know that this sounds like a really big and ambitious desire. But I really, really, really, want this job. If I can start earning money then perhaps I can get my life back again. Or, some kind of life.

I am a person of ritual and habit, and those rituals often have a history behind them. In about 15 minutes I'll prepare to leave the house for my coming interview. Oh shoes! I forgot about shoes!

Anyhoo... if I get this interview; I'll have a nice posh job and I'll eventually have a chance to earn money and gain independence. I might even get to live on my own! The potentials are prospective! The first thing I should do is buy a laptop, then a bike, maybe a new wardrobe. I want to buy a lifestyle more than anything.

Oh, so the purpose of this post was to state positives:

1. I've lost 2lbs since yesterday (I did purge, but I also moderated - tried to moderate)
2. I've got an interview today
3. ...and another interview next wednesday
4. Contingency plan: internship will come about
5. Support plan: Work experience at wimbledon station
6. I've applied to four jobs this week. It's not as much as when I was back in REED, but its not as if I've been slacking.
7. My mood has improved after a few hiccups.

Note to self, when I go home I want to buy 'intention envelopes'. I've got a desire to make those lovely envelopes!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A life of memories

I suppose it could be called a quarter life crisis what I'm going through.

Right now I'm preparing some documents for an upcoming interview. They are asking for a lot:

1. Educational certificates. so that includes my Masters, Degree, 'A' Level and GCSEs. For a guy that keeps a lot of records, it is all within 2 ft of me, but still a bit fiddly
2. Utility bill, fine
3. Passport, check
4. Proof of NI number; okay. Found it.

It was interesting, going into my old records and being reminded of things. I was a senior prefect. I won a music award in the last year. I got nearly 100% in many of the exams, and I did actually get 100% in a lot of them too. I was someone very special. I guess in a way, I still am that person.

I'm going to be 24 in a month. It's scary. The past 2-3 years have not been my finest. But they have been my most recent. I'm gonna have to grab as many oppurtunities of positive gain as I can. I have done a lot of job searching today; I've prepared for my interview, and I've scheduled two volunteer days. No job applications (yet) today. I might even go out to see my brother's band play in camden tonight. If I have the time.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sometimes I think...

Sometimes I think that so many problems of the world are caused by people's own internal flaws. But if I were to assert that I'd seem to be asserting some form of arrogance. Namely, my own. How is it, they might retort; that I can be so critical when I do not consider myself.

Well I do consider myself and ceteris paribus, the point still holds.

I guess one of my frustrations of pointing out the flaws of people is that there is a degree of insincerity about it.

the past couple of days

The past couple of days I have been eating quite a lot. Too much takeaway, and my parents do not give me very consistent messages. I have so much to say to critique my parents, but I feel powerless to say anything.

While on the subject of powerless, I purged on sunday. The final part of my wisdom tooth has come out. Or as my dentist friend corrected me, the final part of the crown (because there is still the root underneath.

So I've lost a tooth. It's the start to a long process of aging. Losing all your teeth, and fading away. Lets move on to some positives.

1. I applied to two jobs today
2. I applied to two jobs yesterday
3. I applied to a job on sunday
4. I have further followed up my job centre 'issues' (I'm starting to get used to how unhelpful they are)
5. I went for a jog, 43 minutes - 10 minutes calisthenics. As soon as I finish this post I'm going to calculate the data.

This issue of the internship offer is not an ideal result, but it is a positive one. Do I take an internship? I guess I have no choice in a way, on the other hand; I have two job interviews coming up and I might get an offer from them...

It's a bit of a quandry, and I thought that I cannot immediately decide upon anything just yet so I'd 'jog' on it. Now im back. I think I need to ponder this issue a little more. I feel that as I type this post I feel a little inadequate in my self-articulation. I do not feel that I am communicating myself very well, I hate that feeling. I feel that there's a 'shadow' of something inside me that I am only expressing a small amount of.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ongoing problems, ongoing vigilance

Today I dealt with a few ongoing issues that often cause me worry. In a past life worry caused me to hide away in inaction. Not thinking about the problem meant not worrying about it. Not dealing with it as if it didn't exist. I still feel that nature in me but I avoid it.

Today I dealt with following up the job centre issue. The guy called me back and said he'd contact me within the next two (working) days. I also dealt with the belgian PhD application.  I've been worrying about that for a while and I emailed the admissions people to check if my application went in okay, and when I may reasonably expect a response, whether negative or positive. I try not to think too deeply about belgium. Part of me wants to psych myself up as if I'm actually going. Another part of me is anticipating the very depressed state I'll be in if I'm rejected again. Rejection is the way of life for the past few days. In some ways its my fault, in some other ways; it's just the sign of the times.

I also read a little for my book review, not enough mind you. I worked on my job hunt, and prepared for the interview tomorrow. I then sent a job application (information assistant). I also did some training today.

I'd like to think that I have done a lot today. I feel that I've reached a comfortable maximum limit today. I've done as much as I could given the circumstances. This morning's computer scare gave me a LOT of stress. I had a fight with my dad earlier as well, and just now I have been fighing my conscience to not eat chinese takeaway. Fuck now that I said those words i'm thinking about it again. Maybe I'll swig some gin in my closet instead.

Prospects for the coming few days:

Interview tomorrow
Two interviews in the coming weeks
Training day with the police
Hearing back frmo the job centre
Hearing positive results from the job hunt and/or university application
More volunteering hours
An actual job
Happiness leads to positive well being
Positive well being leads to attractiveness and sex
Sex leads to orgasms with a real person
Sex leads to normality.
Money leads to independence
Independence leads to normality and some kind of non loser way of life

I did my bit today to make all of those interweaving strands and themes in my life come together or move forward. I have six reasons to feel good about myself.

These are small steps to the slow and steady ascent.
All I want is a better life, and to be a better person.
I want to be me again
I don't want to be lonely

Laptop lives

I would say that to some extent today has been productive. While I only have applied for one job today; I genuinely felt that I had suffered and endured challenges and tests of very different natures.

1. Panic, calm, innovation and success. Today I woke up to a laptop problem. I rushed through an ad hoc set of procedures to resolve this issue. i considered finding a replacement laptop in the house, which itself took me to very interesting emotional territory. I was brought face to face with the computers of yesterday that I had once made an intimate bond with. Each of those computers had different meanings for me. My first laptop was 'borrowed' from my dad. My dad bought a really super advanced toshiba laptop back in about 2003 or 2004. By those standards it was very advanced. It was a companion of mine during the last year of college and then the first year of university. At that point I began to realise its frailties and eventually, it died during my second year of university. The panic and anxiety year. In some ways the anxiety issues are largely behind me and I had a lot of humble pie to learn from those times. I was a very frightened person, my motivation was out of fear of failure, not the yearning of success and happiness. Back then I had no perceived chance of happiness.

Back then the one most comforting thing I would do was lay in bed and play bbc news, or some other streaming programme that BBC had on. Back then they didn't have iPlayer. I think that I would have used it well. I've borrowed that tendency to today, when I listen to podcasts or streaming comedy in my sleep. But back in those anxiety days, I listened to the news and focused on it, I lost myself in current affairs and sometimes I'd allow myself to sleep, making the excuse that I was listening to TV. To this day, the outro theme to newsnight fills me with fear and dread; reminding me of the time back then when I realised that the tv programme was over and I had to return back to life. The life that I hated for all so many reasons.

2. The second laptop represents a lot of things. In a sense I have gone through a great amount of transitions and versions of myself. The second laptop I got from the disability student allowance. It was great, even by today's standard's it is tough bodied, light and exceptionally small. You can tell it was a well crafted instrument. I survived the anxiety days, and then I lived through third year. I think I'll gloss over that memory in this post. There was graduation limbo where I didn't get much done during the summer of 2007. At the end of that summer I had an eventful discussion with two friends of mine. I think I called them Jon and John in a previous post. They were so happy with their lives after graduating; they had the girlfriend, the job, the money, the body, and the good looks. Everything I didn't have.

I resolved on that day, the 30th august 2007, to start changing myself. My changes worked. I have covered that part of my life in the various posts on this blog. I then got an Asus computer, and this third laptop that I am currently using.

An Intermediate post of the day

Today I shall measure my achievements thusly:

1. I sent an email to the belgian admissions office, just to check if things are okay. According to the website, it says application process takes 3 months, given that my application and documents were sent a month ago; I shall expect things by perhaps August? that's a different story to what I told myself before.

2. I got a call from the job centre, they are following up my case and I'll be able to sign in as per usual soon. I'll hear from them in a few days, apparently.

3. I got a call from the guy at Reed, just to touch base. That was the phone call that woke me up in the morning.

4. I had a hardware problem with my laptop. The screen wasn't working. I managed to reset the settings somehow. It required use of an external monitor, I borrowed the desktop downstairs. This event is a reminder that I seriously need to consider a new laptop soonish.

5. I applied to one job today (information assistant) and I then did a little bit of job searching.

Today sounds like I've been fairly productive.

6. I've gotten more details for travelling to the training day that I am helping out with for volunteering on saturday.

The moral of the story is that you get out of life what you put in. So right now, I'm going to go jogging. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

One day, two diuretics

Hello there,

Today I have achieved a moderate amount. I used up my anxiety for the following tasks:

1. Following up on ECDL certificate, I'm trying to call the library that gave me the course but itmakes some weird modem sound when I attempt to call them.

2. I have attempted to follow up my JSA situation with the job centre. As usual the service was terrible, The first time I called, the local job centre number was dead and it referred me to a premium general line, the general line then sent me to thelocal job centre, who then sent me to two other people who didn't reply; and then the third time they sent me to the wrong switchboard and took me to benefit fraud. I called again (because I had to) and I got to the local job centre again, they didn't answer, so they sent me back to the general line, and then they called to the local job centre again. Thankfully the person there then replied and said he'd call me later to follow up my case.

Maybe I'll hear from them tomorrow? who knows.

Other achievements of today>

3. I went training, jogging for a higher speed than I usually do. I then did some cycling and other calisthenics. I need to improve my flexibility, but otherwise I feel that I am improving my fitness. After getting home I had a well earned shower and then I did a few tasks before lounging on bed as I was physically and mentally exhausted.

4. I've done a few job searches, which led to three job applications (5-8) and scheduling of more job applications. I've also requested a few details for job applications.

Today has went well with the exception of snacking on two packs of oreos just earlier when I was watching star trek. Another price that I had to pay for today, was that I sacrificed going out tonight to one of those BDSM munches. To be honest, my social anxiety just wanted an excuse to hide.

Still, more to work on and more to hope for. Here's to hoping that my interview on friday works out.