I only applied to one job yesterday, but a fair amount occured. I did a job search. Then I went for a jog. I noted in my log that I achieved my weight target, although I did eat over the limit. I ate mum's cooked food so calorie estimates are very sketchy. I went for a nice jog, and training session, which took away the stupour in my mind after I felt dull.
I went to watch some star trek; noting that the house was empty. As I went back to my room, I noticed an email from a familiar, and scary belgian email address. I opened it and it says.
Dear Student,
Enclosed is a letter concerning the decision of your application.
I open the PDF file, and what do I find? I was mentally preparing for a rejection.
I got an offer.
Before you start going into emotional overdrive, this isn't the full application. There's one more important issue. FUNDING. The issue that is most important is the money. There's about 100,000 Euros that I need in the funding and the living fees to achieve this PhD project.
While all of this was happening, my mind was going into weird emotional territories. I feel like my old personalities are coming back. Resurfacing to emerge and take their former glory once again.
There are two personalities. And I feel they represent two different aspects of me. These aspects are like, influencing forces on my behaviour. I givethem names.
There is this parto f me that's angry, noble, arrogant, intellectual, and cultured. It's a form of veiled inner rage that is focused and refined into a personality that is passionate, has drive, a personality with inspiration and someone with individualist aspirations.
There's another part of me. Or perhaps, an exernalisation. A female. A female who cares about me and loves me, who gives me little kisses in the morning and they feel warm, and wet, and intimate. The kind of girl who I would wake up to in a hot morning and we'd cuddle in sweaty closeness. I'd love everypart of her and I'd feel utterly devoted to her. She sees me as sensitive, caring, giving, beautiful, and vulnerable. She'd give me emotional comfort and protection. She'd look after me and hold me and nurture me. She'd be everything I wanted and I'd hold on to that feeling for as long as I can; even if its a shadow of a real feeling and experience.
As I hold on to it, it becomes an opiate. The feeling that I hold on to in the morning, desperately buried in my mind, in my memories, churned out into some weird externalised personality. These two aspects of me feel incompatible. They are fighting for some kind of dominion. This person inside me is striving. But who am I? What is the real me? The intellectual who has ambitions and passions and obsessive thoughts about his research? Or the sensitive boy who has a strong drive of love and compassion?
These two worlds are fighting within me. And in a way, I am trying to deny both by my daily life.
I went to watch some star trek; noting that the house was empty. As I went back to my room, I noticed an email from a familiar, and scary belgian email address. I opened it and it says.
Dear Student,
Enclosed is a letter concerning the decision of your application.
I open the PDF file, and what do I find? I was mentally preparing for a rejection.
I got an offer.
Before you start going into emotional overdrive, this isn't the full application. There's one more important issue. FUNDING. The issue that is most important is the money. There's about 100,000 Euros that I need in the funding and the living fees to achieve this PhD project.
While all of this was happening, my mind was going into weird emotional territories. I feel like my old personalities are coming back. Resurfacing to emerge and take their former glory once again.
There are two personalities. And I feel they represent two different aspects of me. These aspects are like, influencing forces on my behaviour. I givethem names.
There is this parto f me that's angry, noble, arrogant, intellectual, and cultured. It's a form of veiled inner rage that is focused and refined into a personality that is passionate, has drive, a personality with inspiration and someone with individualist aspirations.
There's another part of me. Or perhaps, an exernalisation. A female. A female who cares about me and loves me, who gives me little kisses in the morning and they feel warm, and wet, and intimate. The kind of girl who I would wake up to in a hot morning and we'd cuddle in sweaty closeness. I'd love everypart of her and I'd feel utterly devoted to her. She sees me as sensitive, caring, giving, beautiful, and vulnerable. She'd give me emotional comfort and protection. She'd look after me and hold me and nurture me. She'd be everything I wanted and I'd hold on to that feeling for as long as I can; even if its a shadow of a real feeling and experience.
As I hold on to it, it becomes an opiate. The feeling that I hold on to in the morning, desperately buried in my mind, in my memories, churned out into some weird externalised personality. These two aspects of me feel incompatible. They are fighting for some kind of dominion. This person inside me is striving. But who am I? What is the real me? The intellectual who has ambitions and passions and obsessive thoughts about his research? Or the sensitive boy who has a strong drive of love and compassion?
These two worlds are fighting within me. And in a way, I am trying to deny both by my daily life.
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