Monday, June 14, 2010

When worries combine

I hate when things are left in the air. I hate when things don't go to plan. I hate when I have a plan and I don't commit to it. I hate when things happen because of my mistakes. I hate when there are lotso f things I hate together and I hate thinking about it when its all together so I see it as one thing and try to push it out of my mind. But I know its there, and I hate it.

I'm going to catalogue my worries, and then let them free like caged butterflies.

1. I lost/misplaced my fancy goggles. They may be in my friend's car. I'm worried mainly because I really like those  goggles and I don't really have much money to buy another pair. I also hate the suspense of waiting on them. I hate losing things, or misplacing things. I've always hated that. It makes me anxious.

2. Money. Money. Money. How do I get money? From a job. Well, my job interview failed on friday (confirmation of that came today). I also am not being paid any JSA right now. I called today; they said they would call back. Guess what? They didn't. I extended my rapidshare account today and I also purchased some takeaway. Don't forget also that I spent a shitload on food and tickets and things at Thorpe park yesterday (i had a great time by the way :) )

3. Feeling fat. I feel fat today. Seeing all my mates and their success made me think of how I am unsuccessful and they are thin.

4. I didn't get much done today. I advanced a few job searches. I also called up the exchange group of the library successfully, and that's about it. If I buy goggles right now I might be able to 'save' the day.

5. Worries/anticipation. I have an interview on Wednesday. I don't think I'll get it but it's worth bloody going anyway.

6. Internship. I am not sure if i'm actually going to the internship, I mean that in the sense that they haven't replied to my 'is it okay if I come late?' email. So, I'm starting an internship? That seems worrying. Its not ideal. I am not getting paid any JSA so where's my money gonna come from? I'm really worried about this

7. Tomorrow is the last 'free' day. I have lots to do tomorrow, from the pre-planned things, to the preparation things (for wednesday); to the 'catchup' things; to the job centre things. There might be an element of the unexpected because, well, there always is. I'm not sure how tomorrow will work out. I want my life back.

Here's what I want for the future.

1. Money
2. Something to say for myself when people ask 'what do you do?'
3. Some hope that I can move out, just any hope that I can move forward in my life
4. Better body
5. Self esteem
6. Confidence with opposite sex

I guess after that all the other things fit into the above. I hate being 23, I hate getting older. And I hate the feeling that life is passing by with nothing to show for myself and my pathetic 'lost generation' existence. I'm trying to make good for myself but the oppurtunities aren't getting to me. I am really stressed and worried and I just hate how life is.

I'm very much expecting a rejection from Ghent. I am not good enough for anything, why bother having fucking dreams. They just destroy you more. The wanker who never aimed high seems to be the happiest man. He's my friend, he's a joiner, he's always showing off on facebook, he's lecherous, and he never pushes himself.

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