Wednesday, November 28, 2012

!!! getting triggers again.

I've been having triggers lately. When I was playing badminton one particular trigger was the phrase 'buffy the vampire slayer'.


I don't want to explain the significance of it. It sounds so silly, but it reminds me of everything of why I'm a failure.

If I were scaling it on 0 (despair) to 10 (elation), I'm about a 3.5

Dear Diary,


I haven't been in the best of ways lately. I had about 3 different anxiety attacks since Friday. One was about a friend stressing me out about how he's afraid of dying alone. This affected me visiting Adora. I told her I think I should leave. I was feeling very anxious. Adora gave me some of her prescribed tranquilisers. They made me a bit loopy. But it helped. Now I realise why Dr. House enjoyed those drugs so much, it took away my angst.

Sometimes there are feelings that you hold on to so strongly that you wish not to rid yourself of it, for me perhaps that is my anger and sense of injustice in the world. But I could happily get rid of my anxiety if I could. Then there was an incident at work. There was an Israel fundraiser and some of the guests were very unfriendly. My boss warned me that the security staff can be a bit rough handed, as they have a private security team. I then found the security staff to be utterly amicable.The guests were not. One of the guests were very rude to my colleagues, one of them said 'WE ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO WORK HERE'. It didn't help that the colleague he was rude to was an arab. This political/cultural issue of the whole difficulty in israel right now hit badly.

I've also started playing minecraft. It's really cool. I've made a house, a cave and I've managed to do some cool stuff without cheating. So this week I'm working 3 days. I've not got much space or time to do gym stuff or apply to jobs. I'm not giving myself too much of a hard time about it, because work takes a bit out of me. I'll finish by 11pm, get home by midnight and I'll catch up on reading blogs and whatnot.

I'm not concentrating so well right now either. That's no good. I'm tempted to go for a walk right now and do some errands. Perhaps catching up on emails would be best for now.


My head isn't in a good place today. If I were scaling it on 0 (despair) to 10 (elation), I'm about a 3.5

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Dear Diary,

I woke up around 10am, a bit late I know. It was dark and grey when I woke up, and now it's dark and a navy blue outside.

Today I'm doing the hard graft. I'm listening to some audiobooks to pass the time. Entering data from my receipts, did a bit of job searching, intending to send off job applications. I have finally started to actually move forward with my schedule. Well, if moving forward means getting the tasks of the day done, and some of the tasks of tomorrow done, without getting behind.

I'm a little bit obsessed with gymming it lately. I feel like if I go to the gym I could just do some weights, pump some irons and shoot the shit. I've got to get up early tomorrow, maybe from about 5:30, in order to leave the house at 6:30, get to work at 7:30, get home from around 16;30. and I'm still thinking about gyming it!


If I got to the gym at 5pm-5:30, I could do a bit of cardio, then a spot of spinning (6:30-7:20), then body attack? That way I'd feel a great sense of satisfaction from my life at physically punishing myself. Sorry, I thought I had something more lucid to say, but I just want to get back to receipts. Then gym, then balance, then home, then more working.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

This is perhaps the first post in about a month where I'm not saying 'I'm so busy I thought I'd just update you on what's going on!' I woke up late, I'm off to work in an hour, so I'm making a slow start today. I had some really weird dreams last night. Most of it involved being on a bus, or travelling around south london in a train. Notably, this has involved a lot of what my activity for the past 2 months.

I'm dwelling on some dark stuff lately. My mind seems to be flirting with the past. I am having trigger/mnemonic memories that are unlocked by certain things. The exhaustion after a gym class, walking home covered in sweat. Reminds me of when I was doing aikido back in uni, and I was coming home feeling horrible and torn up. I used to go home and just collapse in bed.

When I'm in the shower I remember things from my second year of uni. My hair was so long that it was unmanageable. I had horrible tangles in it and the conditioner I used was ineffective. I had a horrible bath with barely enough warm water and there was so much limescale only half the water came out. These are my memories that I have been triggered with. Cold autumn nights. The trees shedding leaves. I used to live next to a tree back in 2007-2008. The stuff with adora reminds me a bit of Marie in a way. Not in the good ways.

I'm keeping warm for now. I'm keeping strong. But I distinctly feel that the darkness is never too far away. Yesterday went great. I sent off an item on ebay, I ordered some condoms from amazon (which were effectively for free - cos of vouchers i got from doing surveys), I applied to two research jobs, plus I did a double session of weights and pilates. My body is torn up and I came home sweaty. Memories triggered from that experience last night. But maybe I should redefine those triggers. Maybe one day if I'm coming home covered in sweat and exhausted. I will think: remember the time when you were 26 and we went to all those pilates and les mills classes?

I was going to say that this year would be different, that this year I won't be so sad, that this year my depression won't stifle me. I am making a good attempt at redressing that issue. However with aunty eileen passing away it has been difficult. So now, 6 hours of work, get home by 9pm or so, have a shower, and catch up on non priority stuff. Today will hopefully be straightforward.

Off for breakfastlunch now.


Monday, November 19, 2012

listening to 'total recall' schwarzenegger biography

dear diary

kinda tired this weekend. Went to a meeting on saturday. had an interview on thursday, didn't get it. What else? I went to a spontaneous bbq, ate a lot of chicken, at a lot more chicken still, and then I felt tired so just put my head down for a while.

This is a 'normal' week. Life goes on. Aunty Eileen had her funeral, my parents are back home, I'm still working part time in a job that's not ideal, and I'm carrying on with life. I've got to send something off to the post office, but I'm dithering. I also set up some more items to sell on ebay. I think my parents won't mind me selling my brother's old shirts. I just hope people buy them!


Anyway. Off to somewhere or other.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

this week in one sentence flashes.

sharing a bed on a saturday afternoon with Adora

my cousin's husband giving me a big pat on the shoulder at his son's christening saying to me at the table of sweets 'I knew you would be here!' I could feel his love.

Crying at my godmother's funeral, carrying her coffin I saw people waving and mouthing 'goodbye' to her. The tragedy of it is a pain that can only be expressed alone

The joy of normality when I play badminton with the guys, the candour of conversations we have afterwards.

The rush I have this week of trying to tidy the house before the sun goes down, trying to catch up on job applications

The feeling of numbness after a job interview walking down a cold suburban street near Richmond on a midnovember cold.


This is my week. These are the things I want to capture on my blog, but I feel so much in a stupour to express it. I think things have been a bit intense for me lately. I wouldn't say things are hard to cope with, but I will say that its really heavy right now. I'm coping, and that's a good thing, but its really heavy. I guess this means I'm a proper grown up now.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

November darkness, (and flickers of light)



  • Went to balance class
  • Interview prep
  • Haircut
  • Playlisting
  • Job search
  • Tidy up house
  • Sent speculative application
  • Caught up on some emails

Lots on my mind. Mostly thoughts of 'oh shit I need to catch up!' Now I've an interview tomorrow. I can't focus on anything at the moment. I'm suitably tired. I have more that I need to do, for now I have to just rest my head. It's foggy outside, cold, this feels like home. My parents are coming home tomorrow. I spent a lot of time tidying up the house. I see a lot of darkeness around me, the kind of darkness that is inside the soul. I should be hopeful for the interview.

I haven't been purging, I haven't been thinking about imaginary people. I've just been normal lately. All this contact with people, all this real life stuff, all the boring stuff, it's making me normal. I have lots going on. In a way it is welcome. Its a big contrast to what little happened over the summer. I think that I'm managing well. I just have to push on. This is like the exercise I did earlier today with the medicine ball. My body was so tired and burning from it that I had to force myself to push out some more.


My diet has been terrible over the past few days. I look forward to doing a double session at the gym later tomorrow. I used to say that a minimum of 3 big tasks were the foundation of a successful day. Today I did 7 things, now I just need to keep it up. I don't have anything particularly lucid to say. I've been so busy and tired. I might just piss about with my phone now until I fall asleep.


Good night.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

This week (6 year anniversary of suicide attempt)

I realise just now that I've not blogged much. I hate not blogging and saying that I'm too busy. I'll give a digest of things doing on.



Manscaping, recieved voucher, went spinning, listed items on ebay


Work, purchased stuff on ebay, practiced piano, visited Eileen's widower


Interview invitation, went to work, practiced piano, errands with Eileen's funeral


Double session at gym, practice piano, tidy up house


Adora visited, sent off items sold on ebay. Tidying up house. Sex


Went to Christening, had more sex and cuddles, travelled to and from north london. 1 hour journey made bearable by foursquare.


Over the week I've been buried. I've been trying to work out a way to think about how to get everything done. I've not been so good at that.I've been upset, tired, enamoured, and all kinds of other feelings. I almost felt like saying 'I love you' to Adora. I finally managed to orgasm durign sex with her, after much difficulty. After waking up, having sexyfun, and then making breakfast/lunch, we then went back into bed and then had more intimate fun, then we got all tired out and we had the most perfect cuddle, holding each other, naked warmth keeping each other warm, and just fading into unconsciousness.


Meeting my family this evening was good. I talked to Merv about bereavement, and he was so very sensitive about it. Merv told me how its different with each person, and everyone mourns in their own way. Merve also told me that its okay to cry. A cousin told me that the most supportive thing for one to do is just to sit with the mourning person, no advice or much talking, just listening. Talk only about the lost person if they want to talk about it. I love my family and I realise with each death in the family how special each of them are. Merv knows a lot about bereavements, he lost his grandfather (who he lived with), a couple of friends, and a dear family friend within the space of less than two years. Merv knows pain.


On the 10th November 2006, I was hospitalised. 6 years on, I'm clinging to life, love, family, work, and the joys of friends. A lot of heavy stuff is happening. I used to bang on in my earlier years about how great pain allows for great joy. I'm not sure I agree 100% with that now, but I do think there are joys within times of sadness. Adora's cuddles were very healing, and just having a moment where I don't have to care about all this stuff going on was perhaps helpful.

For now I better go to sleep. Maybe I'll play some podcasts in bed.

Monday, November 5, 2012

according to my records. I've been working at my job for 2 years now.

on an annoying colleague (listneing to pop chart shits)

So one thing I've been thinking about lately, Mainly because of the semblance of politeness and tolerance I have, is a very difficult colleague at work. Last year she was pregnant and she said how she had some issues with doing all the jobs at work. Mainly because she was pregnant we just allowed her to do less and between myself and another colleague we had to carry out some tasks with great difficulty on our own.

Then I told this story to a colleague earlier last week. Other colleague laughed and said 'I'm saying nothing!'. It came out yesterday at work she was at a shift (post birthing) and making a complaint about how she has a medical condition that can't make her stand up. Most of the job involves standing up and walking about. If one can't do that, they can't satisfy the job description. Unfortunately I don't think this counts as an issue for reasonable adjustments. I hold open doors and chase people down corridors at Shambly Arena, that's what my job is and what our job is as a team.I didn't want to be objectionable at this job because its not really my responsibility to deal with disciplinary measures.Also, I don't want to appear sexist about the woman being pregnant, now she isn't pregnant she hasn't got that excuse. That colleague really made things uncomfortable for everyone, her attitude and making us have to be very harsh on her for not doing the job.

I'm kind of feeling hopeless about the job situation. This death situation is almost immaterial to whats going on now. This death situation is also piling up on top of what I need to do. Fucking hell.

depression and sadness

So, Eileen died on Saturday. Sunday involved going to work, coming home. There were some family here, I couldn't relax after work because they were here. My uncle suggested nachos and melted cheese. I might make that later this week. It's all about Eileen at the moment. Lots of dark shit is coming out right now, all the stuff about the circumstances of her death, her husband's paranoia and his distrust of outsiders, his biogtry, his prejudices and it made everyone uncomfortable. Eileen's husband is a very unlikeable man, and it was only her that made any of this worthwhile. Now that she's gone, people will have less tolerance for him, Eileen's husband is saying people will turn against him and blame him for things. Joffrey doesn't want to deal with his problems by accepting them and dealing with it, instead he's in this form of denial where he's questioning even the basis of what the tragedy is. Joffrey is saying he's not convinced its cancer and how because he has so many doctors in the family (naming people who aren't doctors) but she still died.


Tragedy this is. This is a tragedy that happened in close proximity to the death of their son. I was chatting with someone lately and I asked them: do you know the difference between sadness and depression? She said she understood it. This kind of sadness is rational. Right now however, I'm feeling kind of depressed. Sadness is the thought of remembering her voice, and knowing I won't ever hear her again, or see her smile. Depression is me laying in bed at 3pm not having done anything in the day, with little motivation to get up and do things.I'm feeling both. But i need to know they are distinct.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Death in the family

Aunty Eileen died yesterday (Saturday).


I was out yesterday, looking for pumpkins, then I went to see skyfall. Amazing movie. When I got home the grief took over and hit me, slowly. Right now I'm feeling it. I'm just feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. Work tomorrow. I knew this would happpen. It's so sad.


I'm sorry I thought I had more to say but, I'm just at a loss for words.


Want to try and sleep, but just too ...pensive I guess is the word.


I had a good day with my friends, they had a bit of a black joke today, they said when I go home the grief will hit me, and then I will text them with a benign in-joke, and they know its an obvious cover for my grief.


They know me too well.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Welcome November 2012

Dear Diary,


Can barely type with my fucked up forearms. I practiced piano today, did a bit on chopin and Gershwin. I got an extra shift at work. I worked on a novel, a project that I've had in my mind for a whle. November is 'write a novel month' or some shit like that. I sent off two applications, one after midnight (so that counts as a different day). I did a lot of job searching and then afterwards I felt bloody tired. I just went to bed not giving a shit, all I ate at that point was a tin of tuna, half an onion and a slice of pizza. Perhaps fatigue got to me, or perhaps it was starvation. I think it was a stupour. It has suddenly dawned on me, despite running around for the garden, despite all these liasons with Adora, despite meeting up with my mates, going to gigs and all the other fun stuff of the month of October. I have to dawn upon the realisation that next month is Novemer.


My uncle died in 2011 in October, November was the time of the funeral I recall. I recall a lot of things about 2011, 2010, not so much about 2009, and I'd rather forget 2008. 2007 comes a lot in mind to me, and after my body attack class earlier on Thursday (I resist saying 'today') I was exhausted, covered in sweat and sore, it reminded me of the physical discomfort of 2005. I didnt get in time for Pilates so I decided to try another class. What a fucking painful nightmare it was! I don't regret it, more so I do not regret the joy of that gym glass and draining my energies all the way down to zero, like a car battery. It's times like that when you realise your limits, cross over them, and jump around to the pop hits of 2012 played on an iPod.


In most respects my day has been nice and active. I slightly feel that it isn't. If you asked me at 6pm if my day went well I'd say it didn't but I think I made up. With all the shifts at work I'll be doing, I don't have as much time to apply for jobs, or train. But I will be earning money, November is a good time for work. It would be an even better time if I worked full time. All the earnings of November go to December. That means: Christmas.

I'm sort of looking forward to Christmas. Getting together, that lovely food, Doctor Who Christmas specials or whathaveyou. Monopoly with my neighbours and crappy Christmas cracker jokes. I think aunty Eileen won't be around by Christmas. Last year we spent it with her because since her son died they didn't have much to celebrate. For me it was just the togetherness of bringing familities together and sharing joy and sharing a roasted meal meant the world to me. I think I was highly appreciative of that especially since my uncle died last year and my dad was mourning.

When Aunty Eileen goes, I'm going to mourn her loss very much, and I know that it's going to hit me like nothing I've ever experienced before. So with that I guess I say: Welcome november.