Dear Diary,

This is perhaps the first post in about a month where I'm not saying 'I'm so busy I thought I'd just update you on what's going on!' I woke up late, I'm off to work in an hour, so I'm making a slow start today. I had some really weird dreams last night. Most of it involved being on a bus, or travelling around south london in a train. Notably, this has involved a lot of what my activity for the past 2 months.

I'm dwelling on some dark stuff lately. My mind seems to be flirting with the past. I am having trigger/mnemonic memories that are unlocked by certain things. The exhaustion after a gym class, walking home covered in sweat. Reminds me of when I was doing aikido back in uni, and I was coming home feeling horrible and torn up. I used to go home and just collapse in bed.

When I'm in the shower I remember things from my second year of uni. My hair was so long that it was unmanageable. I had horrible tangles in it and the conditioner I used was ineffective. I had a horrible bath with barely enough warm water and there was so much limescale only half the water came out. These are my memories that I have been triggered with. Cold autumn nights. The trees shedding leaves. I used to live next to a tree back in 2007-2008. The stuff with adora reminds me a bit of Marie in a way. Not in the good ways.

I'm keeping warm for now. I'm keeping strong. But I distinctly feel that the darkness is never too far away. Yesterday went great. I sent off an item on ebay, I ordered some condoms from amazon (which were effectively for free - cos of vouchers i got from doing surveys), I applied to two research jobs, plus I did a double session of weights and pilates. My body is torn up and I came home sweaty. Memories triggered from that experience last night. But maybe I should redefine those triggers. Maybe one day if I'm coming home covered in sweat and exhausted. I will think: remember the time when you were 26 and we went to all those pilates and les mills classes?

I was going to say that this year would be different, that this year I won't be so sad, that this year my depression won't stifle me. I am making a good attempt at redressing that issue. However with aunty eileen passing away it has been difficult. So now, 6 hours of work, get home by 9pm or so, have a shower, and catch up on non priority stuff. Today will hopefully be straightforward.

Off for breakfastlunch now.

Onwards