Wednesday, December 30, 2009

redemption day

The past few days have not been eventful. I spent the days since boxing day mainly masticating and watching television with some additional mastabatory procrastination. I purged yesterday and today. Mainly from too much christmas indulgence.

Today I managed to 'finish' my dissertation proposal to send off to the potential supervisor. He suggested some more revisions, however. on the plus side, I have about 3 days to complete the revisions and a little bit of praise. The supervisor says that my revised proposal is a lot better than what I previously sent. I am going to send off a set of proposals in addition to this one I am attempting to complete. It is good that I have a potential supervisor who is willing to give advice. Now, only my poor grades are against me in the application. Not so great but better than my situation previously.

I am considering to invite more referees to contribute for a reference letter. Tomorrow is new years eve, and I'm off to a thing wearing a tuxedo. I have felt a lot of sloth lately and it is only this morning that I gave myself a good kick to get motivated and active. A song by judas priest helped me get out of bed called "Turbo lover". It just has a funny association to me.

I look at my belly and see the signs of sloth. I am also thinking about the next girlfriend, whoever she may be. I think I need to expand my social life a bit more. This may sound eerie considering the posts that I was thinking about writing during my slothful period over the past five days; but I'm feeling bright and optimistic. Or rather, busy.

I have to re-learn the coping mechanisms to cope with depression, namely:

1. Don't indulge in depressive thoughts
2. Get going, stupid, don't laze about
3. Masturbating can be addictive. Cum or stop, but stop taking so long
4. remind yourself of the achievements you have made in any given day
5. think about the future you are trying to realise and all of its components are in the now.

In other news, I think the antidepressants may be working. I think I might give a premature end to the day given that I have gotten to do the (probably) hardest task of the month.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

a fairly merry christmas

i apologise that i haven't been posting for a while. perhaps now is the worst time to type anything substantial as i'm off to see some more family. Anyhoo. Christmas has kept me busy while in previous days it has been through mere lack of effort. I have taken the antidepressants I have been prescribed and strangely enough, I have taken them pretty consistently. It makes a marked change in my behaviour and with the posssible exception of yesterday, I've not had any big triggerign experiences.

I'm off to run. Toodles.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The ideal woman (my mental fantasy)

The ideal woman ould have grown up in the 90s. That would make her either slightly or a bit older than me. Maybe when I was in my childhood, she was in her teens-early 20s. I'm attracted to older women. I fall absolutely gaga for strong women. I am attracted to caring, nurturing, and yet disciplinary women. I want to be a toy to the older woman. I want to be her lovely secret indulgence, her plaything, her prize. I want to be special for her, and I don't want to be inadequate. I want to have something in me that only I cuold give. I want her to prize me for my body, my lovemaking, my intellect, my creativity. I want her to be like a nurturing teacher whom has a soft spot for the prized pupil. I want to be her star pupil, her only pupil (ideally), and I want to be good for her.

I want her to sit on my face, I want her to give me instructions when I give her cunnilingus. I want her to say "I'm a lucky girl" and i want to indulge her sexual greed with my body and all I can give her. I want to have coffee with her in posh coffee houses and have her inform me on the nuances of architecture or victorian art, and I can tell her about Virgil and 17thC science. I want to live with her and we can have a room that has a whiteboard. In the room with the whiteboard; my study, she will teach me mathematics and physics, I can try to show off my knowledge of logic and proofs, and then she will rub out all the notation that I've written and say to me in a diminutive manner "you silly little boy that's wrong", and then correct me, I'll apologise like a pathetic little dog and she will pet me and say "don't worry, you are still a smart little boy". I want her to be superior to me so I can have something to aspire to and exceed, whether I will or will not does not matter, but I want her to challenge me and make me feel small.

Despite all of the aforementioned things, which will ultimately be superficial; she will be my partner, my lover, my friend, my comfort blanket.

I feel better now having just recited a fantasy just going on in my head. I think its these new antidepressants I'm on giving me these feelings, or listening to PJ Harvey

Saturday, December 19, 2009

15.99

is my current bank balance.

I raped my account at a concert that I had went to last week. I tried to give a kind gesture of loving gratitude, the short of it is that I raped my bank balance. Now it's a week to Christmas and I'm running out of time for presents. I knew Christmas was soon but looking at GCal made me realise its within seven days!

I'm signing in to the job centre on monday, that means the money may come in on the 24th, however, there are no guarantees as it's christmastime and I can understand if things are a little more lax during the holiday period. That means I can't use that £109 to spend for presents for my family. Consequently that means I have little to give to my family. I bought a fair number of presents in the past few weeks, in anticipation of this moment, but I have not properly allocated gifts to people. I'll need to think harder about it.

In other news, I have been purging, two days ago I had purged thrice, yesterday once.  Between thursday and friday I gained 1lb. That is a bit of a bummer and a signal that I'm not achieving anything by purging. I think its fair to say given the past week that I've started purging again. I think also that I am deceiving myself that I am actually getting stuff done. All of the activities that I've done this week are filler, in all fairness however, I've located a few job vacancies to apply to after the new year. They are graduate schemes though. I saw an events management job that relates specifically to my degree subject, the good thing is that it actually relats to my degree, the bad thing is that I know nothing about events management. I'll need to bullshit for that one.

I am slightly thinking about applying to more postgrad places, as the season is coming up. I am gonna apply for only funded places. I cant afford to even think about going on to self-funded courses now. Another thing to consider is that my life is moving on and I'm getting older and more desperate. I cant wait forever. I hate having to give up but...

Yesterday I looked at myself and I realised that I hate myself, because I failed to aspire to what I used to be, what I used to see as high intellectual and elite standards. I'm now job centre material, when before I was on the cusp of being a prestigious phd student under a respectable professor. There was a point when I had a flash of knowing that it was all going to fall apart, that was when I failed the MA essay.

I want to cry but I see no point. I want to scream but it will do no good. Purging is the only constructive that I have. My throat hurts at the moment and I haven't eaten so no point. I have a GP appointment later, I shall ask him kindly for help.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Once bitten twice purged

Bulimia warps my thinking. On theplus side I think I got a fair amount done today. One of the tasks that I had been putting off for so long has now become invalidated. That's positive I guess, no task. It was just about to snow when I went out jogging. I spent about an hour, 3.5 mi and 5.5k of jogging. I also did some situps and chest presses. I quite liked excercising in the snow. I am not only not used to the snow, but its also cold and I am unknown to the risks; so I did a short session.

Being up since about 5am has given me a positive vibe, going out jogging has also helped boost my mood. It is for this reason that I want to purge later on, well, now. My mum is away, my dad's asleep and I got a few breakfast items that I wish to expound. I feel less and less resistance to purging. I do not think it is wrong and I don't like that people are so violently adamant that it is wrong. People say to me when I tell them, things like "don't do it", or "I don't care, just stop it now", "don't you dare!" was a recent one.

When people say things like that, how can I not purge? surely because they are understanding and sympathetic to my mindset and all the conflict and troubles that I have? I don't feel troubled right now, although I do want to give a secret two fingers to them; not only that I feel that it will make me slim again. In addition I dont have anything to lose except my food. My life isn't very valuable right now anyway. I think I'll go downstairs and I'll see how it goes; maybe I'll jsut eat a steak, watch star trek and cry.

ah, that was a good shit

The past couple of days have been quite hard. I think, however, that I have reacted to these feelings that I am having in a positive and constructive way. By that, I mean, I am not doing too many of the no-no's and perpetuating the negativity in my actions. I have been moving a bit forward with my schedule and am slowly clearing up a full timetable. I have been mostly been clearing up my GReader, but little things like that, and rituals such as brushing my teeth and shaving. I woke up early today. My first getting up was at 4am. I went straight back to sleep. I then woke up again and knew it was time that I had to stay up. It was 5:30 or thereabouts; I spent the time masturbating and the aforementioned Greader clearup.

I finally woke up around 6:45, shaved, brushed teeth and finished off a beef curry that my mum had made from a sirloin steak (boy that's posh!). My dad came home from his nightshift, we had a nice chat and then I got bak to look at my schedule. I think that I will do a set of mini reading tasks, do some downloading into my external HDD to clear up my GReader and then I may go for an early (or therabouts) jog. If the latter were to be the case I should be ready to jog by 10-11am.

Okay, posting over; back to the ranch as my teacher used to say

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The upper hand

I am sitting in front of my desk with a plate of parsnips.I heated them for 40 seconds and not a minute because I felt so hurredluy angry that I could not bear to wait any longer standing in the kitchen with my mum behind me. It is quite cold. today I am wearing my fingerless gloves. They must be two years old now.

I was called by the people from 'psychological services', I don't know their real name because it is all fucking acronyms. They have asked to refer me to another acronym. I think it is reasonable for me to say that I do not have much control over my feelings right now. I do not like admitting this because I always want to be in control. Even over the little dukedom of my room or even if it were my desktop, I have certain ways of doing things and although they are revisable, I have the flaw of wanting it to be my control, my dukedom that I claim majesty over.

I think this is the reason why I react with anger. The guy called me from 'psyholoigical services' maybe an hour. I asked him that if I were to be assessed, I need to be assessed by someone who holds a doctorate. This sounded impulsive. I think from the perspective of a normal person, my behaviour seems odd, my behaviour appears 'mental' in the normal sense of the word. I am starting to be a crazy again, not the normal kind of person who is just depressed and pathetic, but a peron who is seen as visibly weird and deviant, a person that people will call colloqually although not without some terminological accuracy, a nutter, a psycho, a weirdo, a mentalloid and so forth.

My ex said she cant help me anymore because of our personal relationship compromises everything she could do to help. I purged again since the last post. That makes two. As I type this post I can't bear to look at the laptop screen. If you were a person, blog, I would not be making eye contact with you. As I chew on these parsnips I contemplate the idea of purging again.

If I said something outrageous I am afraid it won't happen, or that I have no genuine impact in order to realise it, but I'd say it, in the terms of Antonia, to channel my intentions and send out an intention to the universe so that the situation may manifest itself: what is outrageous that I want to say is this:

I want to get better
I am getting better
i will put this behind me
I am moving forward
I will move forward
I am improving, getting better as a person
I am not getting fatter but fitter
I am getting fitter
I am attractive
I am beautiful
I am wanted
 I am special

between the last line and this one, I paused from blogging to hide in my cupboard and cry. It was a contingency that I had considered in reorganising my room. I came out of my room after having a few thoughts, and then did some situps and quadricep excercises, my back feelsa little tender now. The inclination I have to go out to the pub to see that friend I mentioned in the past post has gone up a bit.

When I was hospitalised I got angry because I hated myself for submitting to them and getting 'institutionalised'. My anger stems fromfeeling so helpless. I don't like feeling helpless and so I react with threatening violence or pointing out logical fallacies and knowledge gaps (which, given my masters education, isn't hard to do on people). I compare it to the scene in star wars revenge of the sith. When Palpatine is found to be darth sidious and it seems like his plot was completely foiled and everyone knows his big secret; they push him into a corner where it seems he cannot escape and he reacts to it by getting his lightsaber hidden in his sleeve and murdering the jedi council members. I love how he had a weapon and a symbolic and literal trump card up his sleeve.

I get aggressive, apparently according to Antonia. I get aggressive by my own admission to the medical mental health staff. I find it painful, distressing, when they try to help. I strive for the upper hand, but there is an extent to which my violence and aggression fantasies are seeping into reality. I dont know who I am as a person anymore. I can't be an aggressive person because I am not an alpha male (so Antonia says of the latter).

I think that I have done a fair amount today. I have also said 'surmise' a lot in sentences, or in my thoughts. In addition, I find something disconcerting: Antonia sees me in a way that I don't agree it, almost like how my parents mischaracterise me. I fear that she no longer understands me. I am now alone again.

Today a few positives have happened. I have booked appointments, followed up the telephone interview, applied for a menial job, looked a few places for a job to apply to (I've not done the last two for a bit of a while). I fall into this 'upper hand' mentality because I'm afraid of appearing openly vulnerable and helpless.

I want to purge again today, I just need a chance...



nhs day

Today I got up about 9:30, out of bed and fully organised by 10:15, out of the house to the blood genre by 10:20, back home by 11:30

It's 1pm now.

I was rejected by the blood people to donate because I have an opthamologist appointment later this week. On the plus side, at least I have an opthamologist appointment later this week.

I called the local surgery for a GP appointment. I also called 'psychological services', the ones whom I had put the phone down on. They said they will call me back. Well the real story is that the first time I called today I was referred to someone through hold, and they asked me to recall the past telephone interview. I flipped, had a trigger and put the phone down.

I then thought about a conversation that I had with Antonia two nights ago. Antonia said to me, after I had opened up to her, even  opened up to my own self-deceit of a thinly veiled anger, that really covered jealousy that she has a new man that she has casual sex with, who lives in switzerland, owns 10 houses, 5 cars and is a holistic healer. I can't compete with that, I can't compete with the guy who had a caravan and advanced music technology in his van, DVDs, sound system and so forth. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THOSE GUYS BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB OR MONEY. I HAVE NO ASPIRATIONS AND NOTHING I DO HAS WORKED FOR ME FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS. I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING.

It is often said to be uncouth to type in caps. I type almost as if to communicate screaming. I purged today, my mum heard. I thought I wouldn't be heard. My nephew is in today. I called the psychological services back, I feel like I am down a few rungs in the ladder of confidence. I am crawling back to the mental health people after two hangups. I'm upset. Its nice to feel in control and to think that I have a plan. I dont have a plan, or better still, none of my plans have worked.

In other news, a girl, I mentioned her in previous posts; ugly not attractive, boring, trying to be a posh-o, naturalised chinese/british and whiney friend from university; keeps inviting me to things. She texted me twice, facebook messaged me twice, wall raped me with 'thanks for your cheeky message' (in relation to a reply i gave that she replied with a facebook message, making the wall post redundant and creepy). I ate some parsnips and a bit of pork fat that lay on the bone that I was masticating off over last night, there wasn't much pork on the bone yesterday either but I was just finishing the parent's sunday roast off. I think that I shall purge a second time today. I had 2x 200k chocolate lunchbox snacks. Naughty naughty. I need to purge them.

I feel like the fight to not purge is really redundant. Why boher fighting it. I can improve my life in other ways but that.

i didn't even write a post about the last weekend. Maybe I should, maybe I won't. I won't write about it in this post. Let it suffice to say that  lot could be written of all the feelings I went through that past weekend, and it was not good. I have perhaps to introduce a new character to this blog. Perhaps one that readers will think differently of me when I tell you about him.

Today I realised a feeling in me that makes me feel very vulnerable and weak. I'm scared. I'm jealous of Antonia and all those guys I can't compete with. They are all bigshots owning pharmacies with degrees and houses and investments in Zurich. All I got is an empty packet of pringles and an owl from the british museum on either side of me. I might write an email to Marc Maron; my favourite comedy, just to not face the overwhelming and negative thoughts.

I do not fear that I am returning to old thought patterns. I am seemingly willing to return to them. I feel like I have nothing to protect me from them as the coping strategies are not surviving well.

I look forward to purging. It's the only delight I can allow in my head right now. There is probably a sense in which I am not recognising how good life is in the context of all the girls that express interest in me. Adding to that, why am I banking my self esteem on what a girl thinks? I suppose it is because I have nothing else to feel good about, especially because my body is fat again. I'll purge and maybe do some more weights. I did about a hundred dumbell reps today and jogged quite hard wearing only a t-shirt, trousers and boots to the hospital and back.

You, blog, I found hard to tell these things to. I found it hard to write about my feelings and weaknesses since Monday because it feels harder to open up, and more of a protection just to bottle it all up. I always want to be the man with the plan, the man with the trick and trump card up one's sleeve. I don't have a trump card. I just have a doctors surgery appointment card and a form to fill out to give evidence of me looking for a job when I sign in for JSA.

Here's to hoping that this is a problem that requires tricks, techniqes and mental discipline to fight. Winning this battle wont make me proud. It's a dirty war and a battle I do not choose to get involved it, it chose me.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

busy day

i'm going to be quick in this post today because my mind seems to be in that analytical frame of thinking and i am not very eloquent. Today i have done the following;

1. Packed bags for travel
2. Packed presents (well my mum did) for antonia and her daughter
3. Got 'goodies' (alcohol and choco) for ex
4. looked after my nephew
4. prepared my book reader for the weekend
5. prepared my mp3 player (audiobooks, pictures and music) for travel
6. Did some weights when my parents took the nephew home to his parents
7. re-booked ticket to leave a day later (at antonia's request)
8. recieved an invitation for a sort of date with an old uni friend (girl) but had to turn her down because i'm away this weekent
9. ex is texting me and seems to be amicable and nice to me, maybe she wants to sex me
10. listened to a lot of classical music
11. thinking about not packing my laptop (I'm full already, and I have put a lot of stimulating books, music and two magazines in the travel pack)

Today I have been busy. My emotions are in a different way when I'm busy. My parents are nice about the fact that I am visiting my ex and her daughter. i love them dearly. I was hoping they would be part of my family. My ex hurt me in such a deep way that I do not think that I'd like to get back with her again. Sex, however, is a different matter...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

deja vu

I had a series of thoughts just now that i felt that I had had exactly about 5-10 months ago. I do not find it assuring. I was thinking to myself:

I'll take these books downstaris to clear up the room
Objection: If I take it down I might not be as motivated to continue working on the proposal
That's the way it is if you are living with the parents
Have I had these thoughts before?
I guess it would be different if I lived back home again, I'd hate it.
If I were in this situation at home writing a proposal Id have even less of a chance than I did now (now being indexical to about janurary)

This isn't good, getting repeated thoughts exactly foreshadowing my life now

my brother called. asking me personal questions about how I am post break up. Didn't really wanna talk to him about my personal life. I think he's going out with his ex girlfriend. That sounds funny, cos I might be closer to my ex. He said it's good that we are still friends. I still have begrudging resentment and a sense of betrayal. but we are still on speaking terms.

I wish I could do more with this proposal but tongiht I am just frazzled. I'll continue tommorow, as much as I hate giving up right now, my concentration has finished.


blog-crastination

Today (deja vu?) I have been putting more thought towards writing my dissertation proposal. I feel like it is more urgent now and for probably the past 3 weeks, it has been putting me off doing EVERY other task, including looking for jobs. This is no good and this must not continue.

I am blogging with reluctance because I want to get this proposal finished. I find myself increasingly frustrated because I feel that it is a bullshit proposal. I have been thinking about it in quite a few ways and trying to explore other avenues, as well as just trying to write something down to send off to the supervisor. I feel stuck between mediocrity and the highest order of thought. My problem is that I belong to neither. I am superior to the terms of the mediocre intellect such taht even teaching 'A' level is beneath me, and yet, I am coming to some negative conclusion that my thesis proposal may be no good at all.

I don't want to re-invent the wheel and I want to have a focussed and specific remit for the thesis, but some other issues that are tangential and slightly related keep coming to my mind. On the other hand I feel like I am not writing enough down. I am thinking of the maxim 'cut if you have the guts' right nowl. Although I can't cut out too much because I MUST put in the things that the proposed supervisor has suggested to me.

I feel like a right old loser today. I have been banished from the university world of academia and intellect, and I do not belong anywhere else. This past year and a half of limbo demonstrates that.

Oh, in other news, I booked an appointment to give blood for next week, and booked a train to see Antonia. She wants me to visit her and for some stupid reason I agreed. I suppose it is the possibility of having sex with her. I am really inviting myself to getting hurt again, and inviting myself to her just undermining me all the time. I'm lonely. Although today, thinking about my thesis proposal again and not ignoring it has made me ignore that. In a sense I have been busying myself but in another sense I have just been procrastinating while actually thinking about my thesis and what to write. Fuck. One step forward, but lots more to go. I hate this. I wish I had this kind of motivation to get a job and improve my life.

I problably wont' even get into this doctoral scheme I'm applying to. Why do I bother sometimes...

Monday, December 7, 2009

Easiest £100 wait

Just came back from the job centre and gotten back home. My sign in time is 9:40, not only did I get it signed before that time, I'm back home 5 minutes before that time. I won't say that I'm 'happy' about it but considering the past plights I have had while waiting in the job centre, today was an easy two weeks of getting my job centre money.

I feel that the way to forget the fact that I am in this shitty situation is to buy things. The desire and the lust to spend excites something deep inside my brain. A mechanism that provides reward. In a sense, I think that is why I purge. I haven't actually purged in a while, but it feels like I have on account of indulging in Mia's temptations.

I have been thinking a bit about that girl who messaged me, lets call her Hannah. Hannah is an older woman, somehow I find that attractive in a woman. A mature woman who likes me as a sexual toy but also takes me serious as an intellectual. I feel like maybe how a woman might feel of an older man in a patriarchal set of presuppositions. Hannah strikes me as a secret depressive, this has let off some triggers of my past behaviour. I felt protective and caring of Marie and everything she wanted I woud try to do for her. I don't want to be that person again and I must respond differently in order for the situation not to repeat itself. It is weird thinking about the possibility of another girl when my ex is warming up to us getting together again. I want to give up on Antonia. If I go back to her I will compromise some part of my integrity after what she did to me.
 
The other day I was thinking about putting my money somewhere where I could make it turn into more money; maybe gambling or the stock market, or some kind of way to turn capital into more capital. A part of me has a lust for money. I want to live in my own home, I want tohave a life that doesn't involve me hiding my masturbation from my parents next door. I want to use my bedroom to have sex, I want to have my friends come over without stepping on anyone's toes and just do what I want. Maybe I'm asking for too much out of life without putting anything in.

Speaking of putting things in I put on a bit too much weight over the past few days. I have decided to go on a fast, that is to say, a day fasting; I will not eat during sunlight hours and dine during the night. I found it a weirdly spiritual and humbling experience when I fasted in the past.

Oh not to forget, I have an interview at 2pm, that's like 4 hours from now. I better get the printer online. Fuck.

Back to life. It does at least look like I can get the day started and get things done.

Smiles.



Saturday, December 5, 2009

deferring strategies

while jogging, I felt a strong sense of distress. My motivation was quite low. I did manage 3.6 mi, 6.5k and a few upper body and ab excercises in addition to the jogging.

I am tempted to purge. Another coping strategy presently involves binging. My coping stragegy for today consists of a very distinct kind of binging. I bought 8 packets of prawn flavoured crisps in between the adverts for Star Trek Voyager and DS9. I was scoffing myself in front of a fine episode of star trek.

In a moment of feeling gloom for myself (ex girlfriend facebook related trigger), I was thrown a proverbial life jacket. The girl whom I had sent a message to on a social networking site who seemed to warm up to my background and intellectual interests, as well as my long hair and androgynous looks, had sent me a brief message of an apology. The lady didn't reply because she was busy with other things and in her words, was feeling quite depressed.

While not to poopoo on her plight; I did feel a sense of assurance. Unpacking a double negative; the lady from the social networking site seemed to like me, and it wasn't because of me that she didn't reply. The lady intends to email me with a longer reply to our conversation that met a three-four week stop.

Today I attended to one of those tasks that I have been putting off for ages, that being, what I call 'foldering'. I also reorganised my drawers. In a way that a single thing like recieving a message from a social networking site that changes your mood completely, I also had an upsetting, disressing talk with my ex on msn. She upset me a great deal. I also came to the realisation that I am terribly alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings and i feel captured and helpless. I am 23 years old and I'm living with my parents. I dont see any short term improvement and the longer this horrid situation plays out, the further away my aspirations can really be realistic.

Someone please throw me a life preserver and save me. I was feeling fairly content throughout the day, despite a few triggers (because I was organising triggering documents). I did a lot of good work today and untangled a big problem of mess.

I hope to move forward

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hyopthesis confirmed

I didn't get the PGCE place from the interview last week. A GTTR letter told me so.

After finding out, I felt upset. I ate all the hobnobs and a bit of the dauphinoise while watching star trek. I think that I feel better now. I considered that as binging. I have decided to clear my day, and go jogging now.

Hypothesis: I may not have gotten the PGCE place

I woke up properly around 10:30 this morning. I woke up around 8am, left the TV on, and then I went to sleep again. I opened my eyes with a bit more physical strength, but still weak and tired, two hours and a half later I had a wank, and then a big shit. It wasn't a painful excretion, but it was one which expounded a lot of waste. After a few minutes of sitting in the toilet for a significant period of time (shitting). I felt all that tiredness go away. Instead of wanting to go back to bed I decided to brush my teeth. Brushing my teeth is a symbol of order in my routine. It is normally a good sign of a day.

i did about 6 scheduled hours of reading in about an hour. They were minor reading tasks. I have a hankering for hobnob vanilla creams. They are 70kcal per biscuit. I think I'm going to have a lunch break and watch star trek. 6 hours of reading isn't bad in an  hour but I'm going to pace myself. I'm just on the cusp of not having a GCal block.

Oh yes, I got an email from a university 'thanking' me for my application. I take this as a sign that my application for the PGCE (the one that I was interviewed for last week) was unsuccessful. The way that the application scheme works for PGCE is you apply successively to each university. Failing one gets you to apply to the other.

I am living a fair bit through memories of previous years. Yesterday was Marie's birthday, coming up is perhaps the most difficult aniversary of them all. The first PhD rejection. I'm not sure how I will experience that one. I'm going to remove the reminder from my calendar.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Didn't get the library job

5pm. A short email from the HR manager; I skim-read these emails to look for keywords to find out their immediate conclusion instead of all the filler words like 'Dear Conatus...'

there was a 'we would like to thank you' - I thought that might be positive. Then I saw the sign that I didn't get it 'unfortunately, we couldn't....' et cetera. For a brief moment I ws actually filled with the hope that I might, even with a menial job, have a change to climb up and improve my life and be somewhat normal again. That I can have the money to be independent, go to pubs and buy things; have one night stands, meet girls, live on my own, have sleepoers, parties, games consoles, free time, pizza takeaways and most importantly, no more job centre waiting.

Unfortunately it was not meant to be. I know that these things take time and I am really glad to even get to be shortlisted. When my parents left the house I was considering whether or not to purge. I sat by the toilet pondering. When I faced the mirror, I saw my fat body. I distracted myself by shaving, as I did not shave in the morning. I sat, pondering. It's now or never. My parents are rarely both out of the house and this was the perfect moment. I decided, for some reason not to purge. I decided to focus my attentions on cooking. I considered making a mix of fried vegetables. I was also pondering takeaway chinese. I decided to chop vegetables. It took me about an hour or so of constant labour to chop, peel, boil, crush, and prepare a potato dauphinoise. It's been in the oven now for 15 minutes.

How ironic it is as an antidote to purging to focus my mind on cooking. I try to cook mroe intricate and technical things, so as to distract my mind and yet lust over this food, as well as making myself wait and not seek that instant sense of gratification.

Perhaps the biggest thing that stopped me from purging today is what I wrote to you on the previous post. I wrote that on this day; Marie's birthday, and the day after Antonia was abandoned, the one thing I cuold do differently so as to avoid recurrences of the past is to improve my self. I am halfway through reading an academic paper; one that is part of my so-called academic specialism. If it were brighter and less cold I may have gone for a jog.

I do not think that I have done very much today. I did not finish the proposal but I did make some way into reforming it and a vague plan for re-writing it. I have a essay writing block with it. I found that my proposal is supposed to be c.1000 and a previous blog post that I wrote was about 1.5k. I find that I am able to write quite a lot about myself and I find that somewhat assuring.

Despite the events of today, regarding my not getting a job (again), as well as fairly uneventful things going on. I feel perhaps a small victory. I need to apply to more jobs. My schedule doesn't seem to be doing my any favours these days. They seem to be tasks which do not directly help me or self indulgent.

The task I keep putting off

Probably for the past week or so, I have been putting of one scheduled task. This has led me to keep changing my schedule in order to avoid doing it, avoid thinking about it for another day, and be lazy. The task that I have been putting off is the revision of my PhD proposal. I am reluctant to do it in a sense because it symbolises the last ditch effort to apply for a PhD. My actions seem to express more about me than I would care to reveal.

Today, I woke up and got out of bed around 11. I opened my eyes around 10, but felt like just laying in bed and enjoyed the comfort of a lie in. The alarm went off around 7 in the morning, but since I didn't have a job centre appointment, or an interview; some of the many reasons why I have made a good example of myself by waking up early and revisiting my old punctual self. Getting up around 11 isn't terrible, but it isn't ideal either. In terms of the really bad insomnia I so described in previous posts I must admit that it has been an improvement. I am quick to describe when things go badly compared to when things improve. This might give you the unreliable perception that my life is a spiral to despair. What the reality is, I think, is not exactly like that; how exactly it is, however, is not clear to me.

Yesterday was an instance of a fairly good day. I had an interview for a university library. It was nice to go on the tube just a bit after rush hour and see the famous London commuting crowds. There was a woman who had an offensive smelling packet of doritos; it was the' red' flavour. I always describe it as the red flavour because you have cool original, cheese, and then the 'third' red flavour which always seems to change; spicy chilli, mexican fire etc. Anyway, it is the most disgusting stench and in a tube it is worse because I can't escape it.

The tube station that I got off from had only one functioning lift and no escalator. With a hundred odd people wanting to go up; the lift could only take about 20 at a time at a rate of one per 2 minutes. The interview I had last week took me to the same station and I decided to go up the stairs which I found slightly claustrophobic. I chose to stick with the stairs. After getting out of the station I felt a sense of tranquility walking through central london, some of the streets were quiet without cars and yet there were consistently groups of people passing by from time to time. I suppose now typing this it reminded me of my old university. The quiet student environs which is only occaisioned by the bustling groups that leave seminars and lectures after the 50 minute session.

The prospect of the interview was scary. This was on account of my great investment in wanting this job. I would really like to have this job; I could earn real money, even if it is less than the 'national' average. I could have a real job and not be a loser, sure, it may not be a graduate job, but it would be near a university and something that I would vaguely envisage myself doing. I look forward to hearing back. I am also preparing for disappointment but I am really lucky to have been shortlisted. During the actual interview, in front of a panel of three (It felt like dragons den), I answered their questions. I was somewhat nernous. I made sure to pay eye contact equally to all of them and not stare around the room. I violated that a few times. I find it hard to look someone in the eye when I talk to them. I made them laugh, as I answered questions they wrote into their notes.

I think that they would decide the candidate during the evening after seeing the potentials during the day to decide who got the job. After finishing the interview I went to the British museum, again. It is one of my most favourite spots in all the world. The parthenon has a resonance and a dear place in my heart. If I ever go insane or want to escape, or prepare for suicide, i'd firstly go to the parthenon. Anyone who would know anything about me would visit the parthenon for the final confrontation. I went into argos to indulge my spending desires, but luckily I found the products I wanted were not in stock. Also lucky is my bank balance is very low. Probably the lowest it has been in half a year. I do not normally let my balance go below 300; it is presently £96. I expect another £100 coming in next week (which I quite relish). Buying a tuxedo has its costs I suppose.

In between writing paragraphs of this blog posts I have been writing a bit more in my proposal. I don't feel a sense of writing block so much as writing my ideas in as crude a way as possible in order to just write something down. I will need to 'refine' it a lot more afterwards.

Another thing I need to address is that my Ex called me late yesterday and told me that her man has abandoned her. I expected no less. She was very upset. I wish I could help her, I also felt a strange mix of feelings an an inner conflict. This also compounds with triggering some memories and feelings that seemed to repeat themselves concerning Marie. It is Marie's birthday around now and two years ago I made a big effort to give her presents. I was one of few people to give her anything for her birthday and I thought I had the best possible chance with her. How foolish I was. two years have passed since then and they have been long and short. A lot has happened inside me but not much in terms of social acceptability and conformity. Today, on the day that I may be on the cusp of getting a job offer and a place on a PGCE course, I am reminded starkly of what I have left behind and the very things that have encapsulated my darkest years, which I still may be living; falling in love with wimen, and caring for those girls who are distressed that trust me enough to share their pain. I worry for the despair of my former love, but I also feel a sense in which she wants us to be together again. I am conflicted in considering whether I want to get together with her again (in some ways I do), with what it would be like if I did not get together iwth her and just moved on with my life. She wants me to move on with my life. All of these feelings make a cocktail that reminds me of my bulimic urges.

Lately, like say, the past 9 days. I have felt my bulimic urges rising inside, the thoughts, the invitations, the fictional girl Mia inviting me, lustfully, lovingly, to purge. It is easy, and tempting to simplify life through bulimia goggles, it is hard, with or without bulimia, to understand what's really going on inside me. Apprehending what exactly the nature of my inner conflict is. I feel that thinking about this moer, the situation of her despair developing will revert me and my patterns of thinking and acting right back to the days when I chased marie like anidiot. Waiting in the rain wanting to see her and make it all better. I ignored my own healing in order to attend to hers, when she didn'teven want me. Who paid the price for that? I did, with my masters degree grades and my non-place in a PhD.

On this day, I am waiting for interview results from a teacher training course, a job at the library and scheduled to write up more for my PhD proposal. On the other hand, i am visited by the reminder that it was Marie's birthday party two years ago, and Antonia is presently in a state of despair. I can do nothing about the past, or what happened back then, or for Antonia's situation now unless she wants me to. I suppose thinking more about it won't help anyone, I am merely repeating myself in terms of all the thoughts I have had and repetition doesn't give me anything new only more sterss. They say in depression circles that when you fear a recurrence or return to a previous depressive phenomenology, remember that what happened in the past may not necessarily repeat itself exactly or at all in the present. The one thing that I can do now is attend to my own life and situation. Concentrate on my life, on my goals, on my moving foward and advancement to my future. I have only myself to blame if I fail or distract myself. I will do now what I didn't do two years ago. That is what I will make different of now so returning or reoccurences will not be so. I will now get on and keep myself busy. It's the proposal for now.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The world has gotten a little bit smaller

I woke up a bit earlier than my insomniac last week had allowed. I woke up by myself around 8-9am. I lay in bed for most of it, and masturbated for a while, before getting up around 10:30. I decided then to go out for a jog. It took about 80 minutes. I took a new route today, I went for 5.3 mi, 8.6k. The route had unfortunately fallen short of my previous route, but on the other hand I must admit that it was a new route and I just wanted to explore.

I am currently living in the area where I grew up. I suppose in many ways this is a luxury and a curse to still be in the place I've lived in since I was a child. I know some friends who envied me for staying in secure and familiar locations and keeping all my friends, on the other hand, I envy their adventure and well-travelled nature.

I was entertaining the thought of jogging the route that I took to school. I went about 0.4 of the way; I get off normally at a tube that goes a far distance away from a shopping centre near my school and normally walk from that station. I can do that aforementioned route and the route that I did today partly covers the journey to school but all that seperates those two is a road that links them, it is a fairly long road, but not as long as the roads that I paced down today.

Looking at my body now, I see that I have red patches on my belly. I dont know if that is from the cold, or not having enough oxygen/heart activity pumping through it, but I think it is a good sign of improving fitness. I am a work in progress and I am not by far a fit person. My man boobs are still there and my bell still portrudes. I am talking to an obese girl on msn who I hate increasingly.