Saturday, December 19, 2009


is my current bank balance.

I raped my account at a concert that I had went to last week. I tried to give a kind gesture of loving gratitude, the short of it is that I raped my bank balance. Now it's a week to Christmas and I'm running out of time for presents. I knew Christmas was soon but looking at GCal made me realise its within seven days!

I'm signing in to the job centre on monday, that means the money may come in on the 24th, however, there are no guarantees as it's christmastime and I can understand if things are a little more lax during the holiday period. That means I can't use that £109 to spend for presents for my family. Consequently that means I have little to give to my family. I bought a fair number of presents in the past few weeks, in anticipation of this moment, but I have not properly allocated gifts to people. I'll need to think harder about it.

In other news, I have been purging, two days ago I had purged thrice, yesterday once.  Between thursday and friday I gained 1lb. That is a bit of a bummer and a signal that I'm not achieving anything by purging. I think its fair to say given the past week that I've started purging again. I think also that I am deceiving myself that I am actually getting stuff done. All of the activities that I've done this week are filler, in all fairness however, I've located a few job vacancies to apply to after the new year. They are graduate schemes though. I saw an events management job that relates specifically to my degree subject, the good thing is that it actually relats to my degree, the bad thing is that I know nothing about events management. I'll need to bullshit for that one.

I am slightly thinking about applying to more postgrad places, as the season is coming up. I am gonna apply for only funded places. I cant afford to even think about going on to self-funded courses now. Another thing to consider is that my life is moving on and I'm getting older and more desperate. I cant wait forever. I hate having to give up but...

Yesterday I looked at myself and I realised that I hate myself, because I failed to aspire to what I used to be, what I used to see as high intellectual and elite standards. I'm now job centre material, when before I was on the cusp of being a prestigious phd student under a respectable professor. There was a point when I had a flash of knowing that it was all going to fall apart, that was when I failed the MA essay.

I want to cry but I see no point. I want to scream but it will do no good. Purging is the only constructive that I have. My throat hurts at the moment and I haven't eaten so no point. I have a GP appointment later, I shall ask him kindly for help.

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