Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Once bitten twice purged

Bulimia warps my thinking. On theplus side I think I got a fair amount done today. One of the tasks that I had been putting off for so long has now become invalidated. That's positive I guess, no task. It was just about to snow when I went out jogging. I spent about an hour, 3.5 mi and 5.5k of jogging. I also did some situps and chest presses. I quite liked excercising in the snow. I am not only not used to the snow, but its also cold and I am unknown to the risks; so I did a short session.

Being up since about 5am has given me a positive vibe, going out jogging has also helped boost my mood. It is for this reason that I want to purge later on, well, now. My mum is away, my dad's asleep and I got a few breakfast items that I wish to expound. I feel less and less resistance to purging. I do not think it is wrong and I don't like that people are so violently adamant that it is wrong. People say to me when I tell them, things like "don't do it", or "I don't care, just stop it now", "don't you dare!" was a recent one.

When people say things like that, how can I not purge? surely because they are understanding and sympathetic to my mindset and all the conflict and troubles that I have? I don't feel troubled right now, although I do want to give a secret two fingers to them; not only that I feel that it will make me slim again. In addition I dont have anything to lose except my food. My life isn't very valuable right now anyway. I think I'll go downstairs and I'll see how it goes; maybe I'll jsut eat a steak, watch star trek and cry.

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