Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Observations on Job Hunting

  1. Diversity forms: something sounds malicious about them. Sometimes they ask about personal things (like sexuality) and they don't give you an option not to answer, or to say 'prefer not to say'. For an applicative process that claims not to discriminate; forcing you to say what your religious background is, is a bit inquisition-like. Especially those online forms
  2. Covering Letters are tricky, and take ages. They suck
  3. I'm being a bit picky with jobs, or sometimes they are being a bit picky about me. I'd rather not apply to a vacancy which I'm not really suited for, it saves time. So why do I schedule applications for bizarre jobs which require you to be conservative and agree with city academies, or hardline policies on immigration and the denigration of asylum seekers? No thanks
  4. I've become tired of telling the same stories. I've almost become subconscious in explaining my role with the ADC. After some reflection, I think that I well-spent some of my years at university, even if I was a little bit strait laced (except for that story about the vacuum cleaner that people attribute to me).


Three things have lifted my mood.

1. After jogging, and doing my arm reps, I felt that exhaustion of using my arms, and I kept a good cardio workout albeit a brief one. I feel that that small gesture (or 30) to building my arm strength is one small step to greater fitness. I did the semi-pull ups with hands over the bar, and hands under the bar. They both use different kinds of muscles to enact. It felt good to feel that burn. I think I need to push the bar concerning the rule of 3. I went up to 10 on each where 8 before was my challenge. Perhaps 5 is too low as a rep. Maybe i'll up it to 8 (rule of 3: 11 max)

2. As I got home I resolved to do one thing: book the counselling appointment. Don't beat about the bush. Just do it. I hope it goes well. It's next monday. I smile because this is a really big effort and really big gesture on my part. I'm accepting help, seeking help, and most importantly, I will hopefully get help from them.

3. Yummy food, and the reminder that I have a job training day/assessment next week. I still have a chance at paid work. Let's hope it goes well. I feel a little guilty to eat, after all I can't lose weight by eating. I'm going to put my food in my calorie log (I've not done that in a while)

I've not been counselling in over 2 years. I hope it goes well. I think I need it. I think I need to get better, before my life gets better. I should also text back hippy girl... i've been too busy.

(bizarre spanish/latino soft rock that I found from an indie website)

Somehow having a soundtrack to my life eases the pain, however not by much. Background noise can sometimes easy my predicament. I think I may go for a jog in a moment, my body feels ready and not sore. Perhaps that will lift my mood. I lost 2lbs yesterday, probably because I only at two times yesterday, excepting the time I chomped on the two slices of pastrami; I ate a big portion of cod and chips that I went out to buy from a local takeaway. I couldn't finish it in one sitting, which is always a good sign. I felt bloated and full and 'burpy' and once my stomach upset eased, I ventured to finish it. If I attempt one big meal a day, perhaps that might work to lose weight. I must try harder to lose weight. It's become the last vestige of achievement.

After coming home from yesterday's jog, I was feeling very upset. I need to prove to myself that these events have not undermined my resolve, and to do so I must jog.

What an interesting justification. I shall go for a jog now. Probably a quick one. I'll see how good my arms are for half-pull ups. I'm feeling short of breath at the moment. That's the anxiety coming back.

Emotional hangover (The Cure in the morning)

Good morning.

Last night I got very upset. Today I'm feeling a little down, but also a little numb. I'm going to try not to dwell on what happened, or didn't happen and go on with my day.

I don't think that this song by the cure helps me too much, it's repetitive, droning (sic) and draining. I got a call in the morning which woke me up. I got a call from the counselling place that I called and left an answerphone message in. That's right, I'm making an effort to start counselling again. I remember around the time I started this blog I had a mixed relationship around counselling. Eventually, however, I went. Those memories still are sore.

I'm still getting memories about my ex, and her daughter. How badly I miss them both.

I dont think I want to listen to the cure anymore today. It's far too depressing.

*change track*

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Mia

Dear Mia,

I feel very upset and vulnerable. Please don't take advantage of me..

Could you make me thin and happy?

Dear Present me

Dear Present me,

I feel too upset to talk. I'd rather feel like pretending I'm an external agent to myself in order to express myself. I feel utterly frozen and distressed and writing these ficticious epistle style blog posts are the only semblance of sanity and nomralcy I have right now in contrast to just staring bug eyed at a computer screen.

Present you


Have a bath

Dear past me

Dear Past me,

Work hard and you will find your rewards. Be steadfast in your efforts. Try to keep as positive as you can, and don't forget to have fun once in a while. Remember that life and enjoyment of it is a matter of balance,. Avoid overdoing things, from indulgences to working. Overwork is almost as bad as overindulgence. Living is a matter of balance, and keep your eye on the bigger picture.

Future me.

Dear Marie

(A fictional letter)

Dear Marie,

I know that it has been a long time since I've kept in any contact with you, and I suppose it may be unwlcome for someone from the past to contact you. I wanted to write to tell you that I forgive you. I do not blame you for leaving. I do not blame you for breaking your promise to me. I do not blame you for the heartbreak of waiting for you to come back. I do not blame you for the despair I felt when you were out of my life.

I wish you well for all the things you wish to do and I hope that you find happiness, success and love in whatever pursuit you undertake.


From bad day to worse


I'm back from my jog. I relieved some of that anxiety and I came home feeling a little positive, and then I come home to more bad news.

I didn't get in to the thinktank. To sum up what kind of life I lead, I also got some other emails when I got back: a rejection from waterstones, and a reply from an Eating Disorder forum. I look down as some psychogenic gesture of defeat and shame, and I observe that my forearms are quite fat. Everyone probably thinks I'm a loser. I couldn't get into a PhD, can't get into a grad job. Can't even get into a fucking internship. I Fucked up. I've fucked up royally.

I'm going to do something drastic. I'm going to ask myself a question:

1. Do you have £60 in your account?

If yes, then Right now I'm going to book a counselling assessment.

Doing a Mark Corrigan

Two things I've immediately decided

1. I'm going to purge today, and I have little resistance.
2. I'm going to book a counselling session

I called the charity. I sounded indecisive, and they decided to offer the internship to someone else. Someone who is not assertive enough is not good for their company.

Fuck. I guess they made the decision for me.

I'm a bit upset, I'm upset because what happened was my fault. In addition, I'm now waiting for two decisions which are far from certain. That one was certain. I fucked it, I well and truly fucked it. I fucking did a Mark Corrigan, I did a fucking Larry david; just when things were on the brink of going well I FUCKED IT. I want to be skinny even if it means being close to death. I want to be thin and beautiful and I want to be authentic. I want to be recognised for the real person that is inside me, not some veiled fat fuck.

So now, here are the modalities:

1. Job and thinktank
2. Job, no thinktank
3. Thinktank, no job (JSA)
4. No job, no thinktank, JSA

At least the variables are less complicated now. Maybe to save face I'll lie and say I turned them down, that sounds much better than doing a Mark Corrigan. I can lie about not purging too. I need mia now than I need anyone else. Or perhaps another way to say it is: Mia is more available to me than real support. I need help.

I think I'm going to head off for a jog, I'll then come back to my desk with a more clear head (I hope). Before jogging I'm going to tidy up my affairs so that my schedule is clear.

Anxious in the morning

I feel anxious. On a scale of 1-10 I think I'm between 4-6. On my scale (which I've arbitrarily just made up now), precedents would be:

10 - the anxiety before my research methods exam in second year
7-8 - the anxiety of failing my MA essay
2 - Last friday's interview with the thinktank

I woke up at a late 11am. I was sleeping in as one may call it. Waking up this morning I found various emails that I needed to deal with, the one thing that caused me the most anxiety is an email from the internship that gave me an offer last week, where the 'employer' is asking to call her immediately. I called about an hour and a half ago, and she was in a meeting. I'm going to have to call again in about 10-15 mins.

Another thing that worries me is that I woke up next to crumbs of fig rolls. Apparently stacking food in your wardrobe is very typical binging behaviour. About 2am last night I was munching on a pack of fig rolls. It's a very bizarre and specific thing to eat. On the other hand I found it comforting to imagine arabs and people from ancient times making fig rolls just like how I'm eating them in present day and it was comforting. That's weird, but there are few creature comforts these days.

So, my weight and the internship are worries on my mind at the moment. Other worries at the moment include: money, job seekers allowance, namely; if I take this internship I'll have to void my claim. Someone at the intern advocacy website suggests otherwise, however. Then I'm also waiting on the thinktank to give me an offer. I have a horrible feeling that I got rejected from the thinktank, and then I'll have to make a hard decision which in some way will fuck me up the arse. So here are the worst case scenarios as I see them and as they worry me (the antidote of last week's optimistic modalities):

  1. I get rejected from the thinktank, turn down the charity internship and bank on the job assessment/training day next week. I'm back to square one, and utterly butthurt
  2. I'm rejected from the thinktank, take on the charity internship and be consequence: turn down the paid job, void my JSA and end up overall poorer than if I were in situation 1., but with job experience and the unlikely hope of a job at the end of it. 
*premature end of post*

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lazy day

I've had a 'lazy day' today. I'm almost certain that I've maxed out on calories. I bought a pack of cookies, gobbled it up; two packets of bacon crisps (grab bags), gobbled them up; and I've had two plates of yesterday's pork roast, with salad and microwaved mushrooms respectively.

Today I've searched about 15 job boards and organisations, I've not found any vacancies. I attempted to apply to about 3-4 vacancies today, but I felt a bit lazy/felt they weren't appropriate to apply to. Sometimes when you look for jobs, I feel like it's not right for me to apply to them. For instance, the post earlier mentioned the 'UK's only black performance school' looking for an applicant. There was also the job that was only for a woman. Or the job that required 1-2 years experience. I don't fit the mark so I didn't choose to apply. You may call that lazy, I do, but it's also prudent use of time. However wanking during the afternoon, and gorging while listening to Marc Maron's latest episode is not a constructive use of time.

In the past couple of hours, I've been reading articles from my blog. Some academic, some journalistic, but all written by academics of some ilk. I am tired of listening to Uriah Heep, The Cure, and King Diamond. I find their music awfully draining. If you judge my google schedule as one simple task per half hour; I've done about 14 hours between 8am-1pm. Counting all of today I consider the artificial allocation of time to be 15 hours. That's over a days' worth of tasks. In one sense I've committed to much more than I normally do in a day, and I've booked a GP appointment, signed in and got a blog submission posted on aforementioned intern blog; except for training today has been fairly active.

I think that I'm holding my breath today, because of the result I expect to hear from the thinktank. Will I get an offer? Will I get rejected? Whatever I decide I need to know so that I can respond to the other intern offer on friday. What about the job interview/training day next week? This is all quite complicated and I'm not sure how this will turn out. It might be that I don't get the job on tuesday next week, and I'm with an internship and FUCKED!

I've overeaten today, partly because of the worries of the whole intern/job situation. I'm also worried that I've gained weight significantly again. If I'm going to seriously lose any weight; i need to push my weight loss much more intensely, whether that means purging, or intensive excercise. I feel the healing process slowly on my body today, my forearms/triceps are still sore, my muscles under my armpits are particularly sore, and sometimes I can feel my quads pulsating. Yesterday I had a thoracic cramp. That was not nice! On the plus side, I think that , despite my weight gain; I'm gaining general fitness, even if my food intake is not reducing.

Some days I feel completely worthless, sitting here on a dying computer, unemployed, unemployable. I feel like there is a beast inside me desperate to be recognised. The editor of the blog that I submitted to was really nice. I guess us graduates are all in the same boat, well the unemployed shitty intern ones. I'm glad I am at least an incumbent intern. I'll need to hand a 'notice' or formal statement of leaving soon though. That depends on what I decide.

Plans for tomorrow:

  1. More applications
  2. Await result of interview with bated breath
  3. Training
My life seems dull. I'm filling in the void with reading, and audiobooks. I've finally finished Aristotle's Categories. Now I'll work on Politics, and start on a new book. gah, about fucking time!

The jobs from hell

In my schedule today I've searched quite a few job boards and checked out a few vacancies. Sometimes I get picky and I choose not to follow the jobs. Sometimes they choose not to have me. Here are some bizarre jobs I've come across today where I just think: what the fuck? and don't apply.

  1. Administrator for a development charity - you have to be a woman ( one)
  2. Administrator for 'the world's first black only drama school' (can that be a real thing? I guess I cant apply if I'm not black. I'm not white either but that's not good enough)
  3. Intern - must agree with principles of the organisation - rights for unborn babies (I need to be a right winger? no thanks)

It's one thing to unreasonably hate yourself.

It's another thing to seriously take a look at your life. People don't criticise me much these days. That's exactly why I need to be self critical.

Accidie (Uriah Heep in the morning)

Good morning.

It's a cloudy day, and summer is distinctly a distant memory. I'm starting to feel upset. I feel upset for various reasons. It just took one thing, but then everything else piles up to remind me why I should feel shit. Someone at the job centre ridiculed my disability, they apologised when I told them, but the damage was already done. I didn't realise that it upset me until I was on the way home sitting on the bus.

I feel incredibly powerless. I'm an intern for a shitty charity. I'm losing control of my life. I'm losing control of my weight. My mum's constantly nagging me. I feel locked in mediocrity. I thought that I could be something more. I feel like the answer to the question no one asked, or cares about. Mia's influence grows on me.

I feel incredibly isolated, and I feel like a freak. I'm an outcast, the shame of my university course cohort, and I'm a failure as a human being, as my friend used to say. How is Conatus going to get out of this pickle? I don't know. I think that after thursday (when I get my JSA paid in) I'm going to book the assessment appointment with the counselling people. In the comfort of my own room I can cry.

I have lots of tasks and things to tidy up in front of me. I guess I shall attend to them now. This month was very quick.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I can see time passing by in receipts

It's been maybe 3-4 weeks since I've last done my receipts. As well as the receipts, the weather changes reflect how much a change in aura there is. It's the cold season again. That's the time when I get depressed. It was not long ago (or so it felt) when the cold was fading away; and then the sunny days came. I took the sunny days for granted, enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed seeing women wearing less.

Now it's getting cold again. It's even passed that time when I ambiguously am not sure whether to wear a jacket (then it's too hot) but if I'm just in a single layer its too cold. It's cold. it's rainy, and I could drink a cup of tea and enjoy it. That's what the weather is like now. I felt the chill as I went jogging, and I hope that I can keep up my pace. I probably need to change my goggles from sunglasses shades to low lighting when I jog now.

Looking at my receipts, I see tickets, I see my attempts to go out more and enjoy cultural things. I see:

  • Day out at thorpe park
  • Nandos with friends
  • Eating at wetherspoons on a summer day, with mates
  • Going to the proms at the start of this month, summer still a warm memory
  • Buying groceries when my parents were on holiday
  • Recent ticket to see Isy Suttie
  • Recent purchase of uniqlo heat shirts (ps. buy more)
I love those uniqlo shirts. I don't love that I'm gaining weight. I've jogged hard, and I'm healing my muscles at the moment. Tomorrow is the job centre appointment. Hopefully I'll get some stuff done, I'll need to talk to the job centre advisor about my situation. I hope they'll be sympathetic. I don't think they will, though. I hate being aspirational because it means I'll get hurt numerous times. I hate when I seem like I'm not aspirational when other around me persevere. What do I do? I guess I put myself in a vulnerable place emotionally, I must be afraid to fail, but also prepared for it. Lately mia has gotten into me, and I've found it helps. Having that layer to hide behind makes reality a little bit more bearable. Having that gloss, that veil, that delayed response, that mulling of emotions, that power, that comes from purging, feels like the thesis to the antithesis of life.

Hello Autumn. I remember you well.

Here's to hope, hope that life gets better, that the next week will have many good oppurtunities, and perhaps most importantly; I hope that the job interview/assessment day on the 5th leads to a job. I'd be damned if my life goes well. Fuck. I'm 24 and unemployed. I hate my life right now. I wish I had support, I wish it went right. In the hope of it getting right it seems unreal. I've become too accostomed to failure.

I want to purge right now. I also want to eat.

Picking myself up

I'm feeling in a half-stupour today. I'm not exactly in a stupour (my mind is more alert after a 4 hour nap), but I do realise I have quite a backlog of things bothering me. I was on a forum the other day asking a bunch of experts in my MA subject about my career prospects. THese experts gave me some food for thought, and I feel like their responses are something I've not fully acknowledged or dealt with. It's on my GReader favourites list and I've not properly dealt with them; emotionally, mentally...whatever way you want to construe it.

I read the covering letter for the application I got the intern offer for; it's shit!!! I can't believe they took me on on that basis. I'm bizarrely surprised. I think it's the old boy network (despite the employers being women). I must say that there was one really cute girl in the office. She was a rah and probably way out of my league, but nice to look at all the same. Anyway, I'll need to decide about that closer to the time. In other news I'll probably have to talk about that to the job centre.

Today I'm going to catch up on GReader, deal with what my head doesn't want to deal with. Now on with a job application. I feel like I haven't written a covering letter in ages. Fuck...

Lets hope my weight goes down tomorrow.

I thought I'd share this link

That used to be me in a little way (not the specific homosexual bully thing). I like how that woman responds at the end.

Soreness in muscles I didn't know I had (King Diamond in the morning)

Good morning.

Last night, I may have binged. In recent days this week I have partarken in the activity of binging and comfort eating. I guess it is my way of coping with the interviews. I went training today, and yesterday. I had to cut today's session short. I felt quite low energy today and my muscles are quite sore. I think that today needs to be a reccovery day. I virtually did nothing yesterday, except recovery and comfort eating; so today has to be semi recovery, normal schedule day.

Last night I wrote an article for a blog that often asks for submissions, I was writing about my 'gameplan' problem. Well, I'll determine in a few days if I'm in the thinktank.

For some reason, the place right under my arms are hurting. Yesterday it was the bottom side of my biceps (so called bingo wings) and about 5am I needed to have a wee, because I kept having urination dreams, which is never a good sign when you are in bed. Anyway, while I was having a wee, my triceps were killing me. For some reason, after my workout yesterday, my body is aching in some kind of orderly fashion; one part at a time aches, but not all at once. I suppose I can thank my body for that.

I could feel my sore sides while jogging today, flabbing about all sore and soft; and I ran out of steam quite early, not to mention the fact that there were loads of people in the green gym that were putting me off my workout.

I'm getting lots of bad memories again. Things from the past, recalled to my consciousness that upset me. This morning I was having a mia moment. Mia told me to get out of bed and go jogging. If it weren't for that insense feeling that mia gives me, the intense comforting assurance of care; I would have stayed in bed. I think it was good that I went out to jog this morning, even if my routine was limited. After all I do need time to recover.

How is it that I may excercise more and yet gain more weight? Food. The problem is food. I am working on the excercise issue to some extent, but its food that really bothers me. Today I have scheduled tasks, I suppose I may attend to them. Sometimes I feel like my life is going nowhere, and the only truth I can find is when I put the two fingers down my throat. Mia is the comforting answer to a bleak world. Ouch, I had a contraction in my thighs. I think my body's pain process is shifting to my upper legs.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"...Preparedness is a virtue."

Good evening.

After yesterday's post, I found out that a close family friend died. I'm not really sure how to take it. It was a man whom, after talking to my dad; was in the generation of my grandfather, and my dad knew him as a younger man as a friend of my grandfather. I never got to know my grandfather, but it saddens me deeply to know that that generation is expiring slowly. I suppose that's the way of life, the old die, and the young come to be born, then the not so young become old and then die.

I began today in a sombre manner. Last night I had some trouble sleeping and I let 'mia' into my thoughts. After waking up, I prepared for the day of interning. Upon getting to the office, I noticed that no-one was in the office, but I found a work space to plant my laptop. After an hour of futility in trying to get on the internet; an ethernet cable gave me access and I finally found an email message. The Boss tells me that she's at a training day but another intern is coming in later. I had the task of calling her, and she gave me an instruction to scan some documents. I answered some calls (it was scary) and I just let some others ring to nothing. Since I was the only one in the office (of that company; the office comprises of three organisations), I had to answer the phone, well I didn't have to, but I took initiative. I felt the guy who talked to me was a bit rude, I think he's the new guy replacing hot-girl. The girl last week I realise was a new intern, while cute; she's not hot-girl's replacement.

I felt terribly anxious today, not least because my laptop is shitty and not working and I wasted time with the whole internet malarky. Here are some other things that got me anxious today:

  1. Having to call The Boss on the phone
  2. Having to take calls for the company. I can be a receptionist IF YOU FUCKING PAID ME
  3. Having tasks set by The Boss that were a bit too technical for me. I'm an administrative intern, not a web designer. Also, you need to pay me before I start learning SQL
  4. The fear of more phone calls coming to the office
  5. General anxiety from hippy-girl texting me this morning. Fuck, I thought I was rid of her. Now its going to go on and on until I unhappily lead her on. I didn't feel a 'connection' with her.
  6. Interview tomorrow
  7. Feeling fat, I'm 230lbs again. FUCK
  8. fat=insecure
  9. I got some responses on an academic forum that upset me. They said that PhD research is next to impossible with funds nowadays unless you are an elite, and I'm not an elite. Self-funding looks like the only option. In addition, I think that independent research will be very difficult, if not, impossible. Pessimism about my true love.
Things that get me down today:

  1. I'm fat
  2. I'm alone
  3. I'm anxious
  4. I'm not getting paid
  5. I'm in this internship for too long
  6. I hate the fact that I'm going to land into anohter fucking internship
  7. I need money
  8. I'm worried about that community task force thing the job centre pressured me about
  9. I'm anxious about the interview tomorrow
  10. I feel like I'm not good enough for the interview
  11. I feel like I'm not good enough for academia
  12. I feel like I'm not good enough for life
  13. I hate the contradiction I feel between being able to read very technical pieces of writing and yet I'm percieved as having no skills.
  14. I have no social skills
  15. The only skills of social I have come from if I'm thin

I purged earlier. That's twice this week. Tomorrow comes the interview, then I go home. Saturday and sunday will be training days. At least my week is filled up...

After getting home from the internship, I feel on edge, I feel like I've got so many things to do, preparing for the interview to make sure nothing goes wrong: research the thinktank; print CVs; prepare clothes; prepare route; email route to phone; plan the time I wake up, put on clothes, leave the house. Its so much preparation with little respite in return.

The thing that worries me the most is the feeling of powerlessness. I'm powerless about getting a job. I'm powerless about asserting my positive traits and abilities, and I'm powerless to lose weight.

Enter mia.
After describing my day in those terms, it makes the rationale of my purging much more cogent.

Now I end this post, the other task I have for tonight is clearing up my MP3 player (I do this often  to remove the 'fluff' in my playlist) and putting in some podcasts to listen to on the way to the thinktank tomorrow. Preparedness is a virtue.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I'm not feeling right at the moment.

Normally after jogging my concentration goes down, or i feel fatigued. Generally a nap sorts it out. I had a nap, after sending an application (which I realised was rejected after 1.5 hours of appplying). I then watched a couple of episodes of quantum leap, while gorging (but reasonably so, if I don't eat any more today...) and since then I've been in a bit of a stupour.

I realise that it's been quite a while (maybe a month or 1.5 months) since I've been in a real stupour and accompanying it is this feeling of indecision, and emotional inclarity (I know two of those aren't words). I want to talk about quantum leap.

When I was little, I used to watch it, and I really liked it. Now watching it, I feel this comforting feeling of the past and nostalgia (of the 90s) [despite it itself being a nostalgia show]. I like the comforting formulaic nature of the show; introduction to problem,  statement of problem; description of solution; hitch; resolution and then leap and 'oh boy'. I was watching two episodes, both upsetting in their own way. One episode was when Sam Beckett (Scott Bakula) was caught in a mental hospital, and there was a lot of ill treatment of the patients there. It reminded me of when I was depressed.

When I was depressed it felt like my own self-narrative viz stream of consciousness was absent. I could only talk of myself, and I can only talk of it now, as an externalised viewer, a third person perspective. Sometimes it felt so bad that it was almost like other people had to come in to fill the gaps. I can't believe I ever let it get so bad. I think those life decisions have their repercussions. You take so many gambles with your life, eventually you start to lose. That's the only way I can describe it. I played russian roulette too many times, you expect to have your brains blown out.

I was chatting to this girl online a few weeks back. She was a depressive. There's something about a depressive girl that brought out so much emotions in me. It brought out feelings that I normally keep hidden, or that I normally do not keep on the level of awareness. Often there are situations in one's life that bring out dispositions normally hidden.

Right now I have that feeling that I used to have when I was depressed; the feeling of being outside of time.

while typing, I got a call, and my head is totally in a different place now. I've got some news that someone in the family-friend circle has died, a senior man of 90 years. That's totally put my head in a different place right now. Stupour has gone. I just feel sad. may he rest in peace

A penny saved is a penny earned

Lately I've sent off loads of applications for bbc recordings. maybe it is that they are coming up so much on my RSS feeds, but it seems on the border of monotony right now. I realise that laying a seed needs time for the plant to grow, so maybe I can have a more enjoyable social life and cultural life if I go out more to things like comedy, or bbc recordings. I quite like my new uniqlo shirt. I've found a synthesis between the gap t-shirt that I used to love so much; and a base layer, without, hopefully, being too sweaty. I hate how restrictive base layers can be. I do like their moisture wick though.

I feel a little tired. I'm waiting for my parents to leave the house so I can just plon on the tv, or bed, or just eat alone or something. So much to do today. I'm not used to being at home on wednesdays. Tomorrow is intern day, and not today. It feels like a thursday to me, possibly because yesterday felt like two days (pt. 1 interview, pt. 2 dobby).

I feel suitably refreshed post-workout, but the fatigue is my enemy. Lets hope that the seed/plant analogy holds. All this work now will lead to good yield later on. Talking of good yield, I should apply to jobs; so that I can lay more seeds.


Good Noon to you.

Isy Suttie was amazing last night. I went to see her at Soho, as I've mentioned a couple of times. It was hilarious, and I liked how she mocked the whole 'ex-boyfriend' humour. Also, there was a bizarre and random press up competition at the end with a soldier from the audience. There was a lot of audience participation at the end of the show, and I'm also glad that I did not sit at the front. I may have been on the front line of the audience and Isy might have talked to me. I'm a bit too insecure to talk to her. Lovely dobby...

So, I got home, ate some fish and chips (takeaway, naughty I know...). Waking up this morning I thought I was having a lie-in, but it was a relatively early 9:30. I went out for a jog just after 9:30. It was just over an hour, according to my calculations, I've breached a new speed of 5.4 average, this is true for monday and today. I also worked on some upper body today, I did those half-pullups, and I was considering the 'rule of 3'. The rule of 3 is the notion that you set a given number of reps and try to boost it to 3 more. I couldn't do 3+ where my set goal of repts is 8. I excercised some muscles that I didn't know existed today, they would be otherwise flabby. The pullups really stretched my shoulders so i decided not to be too strenuous, I also got to some situps, and I phased out while doing situps and just getting into the repetitions.

Okay, so now I got home, and I'm presently procrastinating. I was searching the w4mp job board. I'm a bit tired of unpaid internships and I feel its a waste of time to go to an interview and intern. Maybe if I had a paid job in addition to an internship. At the moment, at least until I hear from the three pending applications that I was game-planning about yesterday; I won't focus on unpaid internships.

I feel nicely fatigued today. I got my new uniqlo shirts, and they are the form-fitting type. although large, i can get to see my flabby bits. At the moment I'm getting distracted, or distracturbated (without the masturbation) with a radio 1 documentary about this band called 'Bring me to the horizon'. They seem really...British, philistine, but it also makes me feel alienated as a metal-head. I guess I've listened to too much of the finnish and norwegian stuff.

Ugh, I've eaten a bit too much of the fig rolls. I need to carry on my job search (ugh)

On the plus side lets talk about positives (Isy Suttie talked about how after her breakup with her fiancee; she tried to list 3 positive things every day, I think dobby has a point).

1. Went to see isy Suttie
2. Had a job interview
3. I have another interview on friday
4. I have an assessment/training day in a couple of weeks
5. I went on two dates last week
6. i went jogging today
7. I got nice new clothes from uniqlo

okay. i'm going back to schedule now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Eating fig rolls

This probably sounds utterly spurious and irrelevant, but hey; that's me.

Today after the interview, I've mainly kept to drinking water in a casual manner, catching up on small tasks on GCal (which means tomorrow means I have to do the big stuff), and grazing. Grazing is the kind of eating you do when you are bored. I've grazed upon two packets of crisps, two pot noodles and at the moment I'm considering that I may open a second pack of fig rolls. I quite like the fig roll because it is dirt cheap, and it is passably a fruit based snack (compared to yesterday's custard creams.

Where has my life gone when I'm doing petty reading tasks on GCal, and eating figs. Ideally I'd like to lay in bed right now, perhaps next to an audiobook. However, I'm planning to go out to soho in about an hour's time so I'm procrasturbating (without the masturbating). I think now I'm going to dedicate some time on watching videos on the external hard disk.

I was thinking today of how people perceive me. The employers at the cancer charity were really nice and they treated me with respect and dignity, and saw a sense of worth in me. It's like being told you are gorgeous but not believing it. I want to gorge when I get home. Maybe some KFC, maybe some fish n chips. I know its bad, no buts, I just want to do it. I won't do it for any time soon, and this is my equivalent of a social life; going to see comedy on my own. I'd love to see Isy Suttie in the flesh and who knows, maybe someone will spark a chat with me...

Anyway, I'm going to eat fig rolls and watch robotech. I don't care I'm a geek.

having a game plan

As I apply to loads of jobs, from the perspective of having no jobs or experience; anything is a plus. Today, the news comes in a bit more of a flow. I went to the interview today, and I had a really good impression from the interviewers. The interviewers, even when I paused and I hesitated to answer; quite liked my background record. They liked my admin experience, they were impressed at what I could do with spreadsheets, one of them was asking about my MA dissertation (which was entirely not relevant to cancer - unfortunately) and they seemed nice.

Summary: they seemed nice, it seemed a nice place to work and perhaps most importantly; they've let me know what the terms of the game are. I will be paid £10 a day for expenses, namely, lunch and travel. That's not too bad in a sense. Its also not ideal. Its something that can supplement my JSA, but I'm also under a lot of pressure to find paid work due to that 'three month' warning from my job centre advisor. It's not ideal but life's not ideal. They will let me know on Friday. Who knows, maybe I won't get it. They were really nice and they seemed to like me. I think it must have been the tie. There was something that was exceptionally weird at the end of the interview; as I got my jacket, the lady said: sometimes we hope people forget their jackets and we sell them and keep the proceeds for the charity. Given that it's a cancer charity I daren't hope that some of those missing jackets belong to expiered people. Suddenly life gets real and depressing. It's a job around the reality of death. For a person who likes black metal, it seems somewhat challenging and yet romantic. I'll know by friday, the same day as the other interview I have.

Who knows, maybe cancer will be cured soon...

My post is tinged with the knowledge that once I got home, I found in my inbox (in my spam box wouldn't you believe...) that the telephone interview for the casual events assistant role is going to lead to a second stage assessement. This means I'll have a second stage of an interview (this is a first for me). This will be in two weeks from now. So, having a casual labour job would mean a supplemented income of real money instead of JSA monopoly money. It also means I'll have a 'real job'. It pays more than the charity, but the charity has a more important import in terms of responsibilities and may lead to a proper paying job (which was advertised).

There's an interview on friday. That will not likely lead to a full job, but its possible. In addition; it is compatible with having the casual labour job. So, there are two optimal options.

1. Casual events job + thinktank interning 3 days a week
2. Interning as an administrator with hope of full time office manager job

Less optimal options:

3. Casual events job only (continued job seeking)
4. thinktank interning only
4'. Interning as an administrator wtihout job at the end of it
5. Interning (either thinktank or charity) without job at the end of it - making the time toward my JSA 'punishment' deadline much closer, and not getting closer to a job at the end of it
6. Rejection from thinktank, charity admin AND casual job. A back to step one.

All of them are non optimal options, some a more desirable than others, but I may need to attempt strategic thinking in order to achieve the best option.

I'm glad I ordered my options like this. Its always important to evaluate modalities before entering into a situation. That's how I consdiered the date.

Oh, while I'm on the subject of dates; I've not heard back from both girls; even after texting hippy girl. That means that my slate is clear. No next date baggage, so I can ask out another girl. Would you believe that I'm actually feeling quite positive about that? Now I'm free to ask out another girl. I'm really quite unsure as to how to ask out girls, but i did it at least about three times these past few weeks. Not just that, I've had three interviews in as many weeks (plus one more later this week) and I'm trying to navigate through an optimal solution.

In other news I finished an academic paper on the tube, and am in process of reading another on empirical psychology. I'm on a roll. I need now to catch up on my schedule. Tomorrow I'm going to jog, and then push the bar of my schedule. Later tonight I'm going to soho, to see Isy Suttie. I love her as dobby in peep show. Dobby is my ultimate woman. She's absolutely perfect, geeky, confident with that cute sense of insecurity, she's also protective of when mark is bullied and she did that little frotting thing in the storage cupboard. I want a dobby. If I had a dobby I'd be happy. Better still, if I had a PhD i'd be happy.

Here's to hoping...
here's to the game plan

ugh, fuck my life (ambient natural noise in the morning)

Ambient natural noise isn't a band, or an electronica group. It's literally, the sound of my computer and my keyboard clacking away.

I'm not in the mood for music at the moment. Outside my window are these gorgeous two girls having breakfast in their garden, in dressing gowns; how glamourous. They must be in their 20s, life is great for them. Maybe they are medical students (there's a hospital nearby..) or perhaps they are living the good life and pretending everything is like the sitcom friends; where they just fuck each other while humourous situations occur in their lives, like a billionaire dates monica, or rachel works for ralph lauren.

Friends, or F.R.I.E.N.D.S. doesn't relate to the life I know. I'm upstairs in my parents house, with a room for myself; here I am staring voyeuristically at a life that other people who went to university at the same time as me are indulging upon. I got turned down by the university job for stacking books. What the fuck, man. I can't even get a job stacking books. I hope that doesn't translate to my luck with waterstones.

So I have an interview, I'll probably leave in about an hour or so. As I voyeuristically continue to stare at those amazingly hot women with their hot skinny male flatmates; I ponder onto myself of how desperately droll and shit my life has become. I hope desperately that I get money. I want money, money is the solution to my problems: self esteem, sexual attractiveness, social mobility, friendship, aspiration, and even PhD's. Capitalism rules all, this isn't the conclusion I'm happily accepting but this is how the world communicates to me.

I got upset yesterday, because there was an advertised studentship for a PhD that I applied to in Belgium. Almost exactly the same conditions. I think to myself: should I apply again? it feels too soon; considering the fact that it was only a few months since I was rejected. It also reminds me how long the application was. It probably started about a year ago. Fuck me.

There's also an article on the news that upsets me. It is notifying the public that a certain thinktank has unpaid interns who do the bulk of their labour, and for a thinktank that is exactly concerned about graduate employment and prospects for persons who finish university; its hypocritical to give unpaid labour oppurtunities with no job prospects at the end of it. Oh, the other thing. I had an interview with them two weeks ago. FUCK.

This stuff can easily depress me. This situation can easily convince me that its the end of the world. Then again, it looks like the opening scene to a pornography movie outside my window. Hmmm, sexy 20-somethings prancing about in their dressing gowns...what the hell have I become?

I purged yesterday. I'm not fully sure why. I just felt that I needed to. I feel a little hopeless about my weight loss plan. At least one positive is that I can jog tomorrow as intern day is rescheduled to thursday. I'm going to have a pot noodle for breakfast, and then I'm going to dress up. I probably have only about 30 minutes prancing about time. I thought it would be longer...

Okay I better go. Wish me luck in the interview, in the jobs, in life, and with aspiration.

Too much? How about a new laptop? please?

Ugh, I want to be thin and do sex work. I could be Belle de Jour, but asian, and male, and bulimic

Monday, September 20, 2010

3 years is a long enough time for a water bottle, right?

I have this water bottle that I bought from kathmandu, the outdoors shop. I bought it in 2007, after picking the pieces of my life up after the mental hospital incident. In some ways I'm over what happened. In other ways it has never left me. I started getting into fits of anger and I chose not to back down. Lots of negative stuff came up from back then.

I was always sentimental, but around the time after the hospitalisation, and most notably when I started my masters; I began behaving in ways that were sentimental and attached to various items. I still am to a great extent, although most of the items are over two years old now.

I felt that my old MP3 player represented a moment of healing, it also represented Marie; she had the same model as I, and it was how we bonded. When that mp3 player broke during my dissertation, I bought a new one. It is still with me now, can you believe I've had an mp3 player for 2 years? It doesn't feel that long. It feels like it's always been a companion of mine. Technology, clothes and other odd little things become attachments to me, expressions of an essential me. I don't like having my wallet replaced, for instance. I love my wallet, I love my watches (p.s. I need to replace my watch batteries) and I absolutely love my boots. My cycling gloves that I use for jogging, I've had since before I was 18 years old. They still fit and they are still durable.

Although I like to have lots of gadgets; I am very attached to them and I sincerely beleive that my personal effects should endure. I don't really llike 'replacing' or updating things; although sometimes its inevitable. If something breaks down, I take it as an oppurtunity for renewal. Most things these days are designed with a shelf life, most of the things I buy have a pretty good shelf life I must add. My water bottle has lost the traction in the cap. That sounds weird, in other words it means 'it doesn't close properly anymore'. It's also got loads of hits and scratches from me carrying it around everywhere. Its an oppurtunity to buy a new water bottle.

There was a time when I got thin, that I felt that I needed to stick to my look. My look was immortal and inflexible. There came a point maybe late last year, or early this year, when I realsied how stupid that kind of thinking was. I began to let go of those prejudices, let go of that kind of thinking. I don't need to carry a swiss army gadget everywhere with me; I don't need a base layer everywhere I go, I don't need to carry my wallet, and keys, and phone, and mp3 player, and glasses, and torch and other random shit with me for every single possible time i leave the house. I let go of those prejudices and rituals and fixations, and I became a little bit more normal.

Those 'fixations' are also barriers I have. I let go of those little barriers, and I'm naked, defenseless. I'm scared.

I have an interview tomorrow. Its for an office manager internship, the employer/interviewer who emailed me seems really nice, she's probably in her 20s-early 30s judging by her diction; she probably reads heat magazine and follows celebrity culture. Those are my prejudices by the colloquial nature of her written english. Talking of reading; I've avoided my albums this week. I don't really feel like listening to music. I feel stuck with shitty boring albums, and I hate my playlist. What I'd do to eradicate it from my bloody listening pile. I quite liked the skins soundtrack and I really liked listening to unfamiliar and diverse music. I hate having to conform to this 'fan' label, I dont want to have to listen to heavy metal anymore. I'm tired of heavy metal. Some black metal bands are nice, but I'm tired of listening to consistently low quality music that does not seek to expanding its territory but instead consolidating it, and in the least aesthetically noble of ways possible.

In summary, I need a new water bottle. For me this reflects a subtle transition in all this energy and emotional baggage I'm carrying with me. It would do me some good to let go of it, to let go of the past. Sometimes the barriers I have to the outside world are also the barriers to my progress. Barriers are also protection from the hoardes. In other news:

1. I've changed my intern day from weds to thurs
2. I bought tickets for isy suttie tomorrow
3. I got another bbc ticket for a classical music recording (I'm agnostic to whether I shall go, still)
4. I applied to two jobs today, while casually pissing about
5. Dad pissed me off

The emotional barrier

Good morning.

I am back from training, I went jogging, did a little bit of cycling in the cycling machine and did some upper body workout. My arms were in quite a strain, I need to learn to get used to that kind of pain. It looks like I've got a full day ahead, today is the only day until thursday where I can jog. Tuesday, Weds and friday are occupied with interviews/interning. I think that I need to finish my internship. I feel like I've been there for too long; there are new interns there and I've been there too long to be an intern, and not long enough to count as a full time real employee. There's no respect.

So now, I'm blogging, typing. I got upset yesterday. I'm worried about my ex. I don't have a 'barrier'. In the past few posts i've talked about feeling vulnerable. I used to have this 'barrier' to protect me from the world; thinking that I was an academic'; thinking that my piano education or higher learning made me seperate from others. I don't really have a barrier anymore from the world. I feel naked and ultimately vulnerable. Even when I used to purge, I found thinness to be something to hide behind.

Without a barrier I'm scared, openly frightened and socially vulnerable. I'm part of the great jobcentre unwashed. I'm no different to anyone else anymore. I'm not special, I don't rise above. Some girls think that it's cute to be openly vulnerable, however I find it no fun because people can see right through me. My attempt to fight this is to train, jog and train. I hope my arms develop over the coming weeks. I hope that I can find the time to get toward more training. I realise that time is of the essence, training days and job application days are limited, because I want to do other things in addition. I have loads of lovely BBC tickets over the coming weeks; I also want to go to see Isy Suttie (dobby from peep show) this week in soho.

I'm dallying. I am going to put off this blog post, forget about my woes, go for a shower, put on clothes, maybe eat, and then reply to emails. It looks like my intern day is going to alternate. Ugh...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Rested and wicked

Good evening.

Here I am, typing in the late evening. I think I'd like to jog tomorrow, for some reason I've had this impression that the past week is full of appointments and worries and things that would occupy my mind and put me off job applications. That is largely true for the past week. However, some positives came to play in the past week; namely, two dates (impossibly it happened), an interview, and invitation to two more interviews this coming week.

In a sense a shift has occured. My weight has gone up today, and probably even more so with all that pork roast and fruit pie i've been eating today. I would like to think to myself that I'm going to justify all that food intakes with a big workout, or several workouts this week. The realistic realisation of my week is that I dont have much time to jog. I always jog in mornings/early afternoons.

And yet, mia is never far away. I have recurring nightmares, my weight goes up, and I feel lots of pressures, from looking for work, from family, from friends, from life, even from my damn ex. Why hasn't my life gone the way I wanted it to? Why is it that I consider it a good day when I've gone out to jog, search for jobs and applied to two vacancies at waterstones? Once I had aspirations to be an academic, and now I'm a faded water stain of what I once was.

My ex is troubling me. She's with an abusive guy and there's nothing I can say. Why should I say anything eithe, I'm biased because I care about her and I still have feelings. If you love someone let them go...

Who loves me? My parents do, they let me live in their house and make food with me in account. My parents are really good to me and all I do is criticise them and get annoyed at their foibles. I'm spoiled. I wish one day I could make it up to them, I wish one day I had loads of money and power and influence. But I'm just lonely, vulnerable to the market forces and sitting in a job interview, with a fake smile to hide my fear. I'm saying to them as I sit there 'judge me, make me worthy!' and I subjugate all of my dignity and sense of self, and they STILL DON'T GIVE ME A FUCKING JOB!!

I'm so fucking angry, I'm so fucking tired and disappointed with the government, with the economy, with the education system. They failed me, I failed me. I failed everything. I got 100% grades in my 'A' levels, I got a decent degree from a decent university; but so did the other 40 people who applied for the same jobs I do. I'm fucking stuffed. The only thing I can do is work on myself, and work to apply to things in a smart way.

I want mia, I want help. I need someone who understands, who cares, who isn't someone I have to constantly negotiate with and play some mind game with. I want someone to call right now and just cry. I want to shout out 'why' and stare at the stars, as if God may listen. My life is not so good. One day it will get better, that's the hope I live for. I'll go to sleep, wake up, maybe if I'm up early enough I'll even jog. Once I come back from a jog I may have some breakfast, read a bit, and then apply to jobs. I'll then prepare for the interview on tuesday. The week looks busy; interning, two interviews, and applications. In addition to my scheduled research day.

I feel that inward sense of inarticulation right now. That feeling of turning inward, speaking in breathy tones and a deep sense of inadequacy fills me. I want to make something of my life. I thought I was special...

I thought I was special...

I'm just like everyone else, dull, boring and hopeless. I wish I had more money for counselling...

weighing heavy on me

hello there,

I feel listless today, I also feel a little tired, fatigued and mentally beat. What I'd really want to do is eat a shitload, and lay down watching lethal weapon 2 and other things on sky+. Unfortunately the parents are hoarding the house, and I'm in my room listening to podcasts.

I've consumed an unacceptable amount of food this weekend, on the plus side I've jogged a couple of times this weekend. I went to the date yesterday, we met up outside a tube station right when the 'protest the pope' lot were going nuts. We then went walkies around st. james' park and then passing whitehall we saw the atheists going along again. The date was more a matter of walking around london and chatting. Hippy girl was tired; after a long night previously. Now I feel just as tired and listless. I am partially eating because I am bored. I really shouldn't eat any more today.

This morning I decided to embark on a sunday jog, I worked on my legs and did some situps; but the cycling machine was hoarded by teenagers and kids way too small to actually sit on it. I felt lazy during the jog and I feel lazy now. The plus side however is that even when I was lazy I still managed to push myself and excercise. I took the long way home and worked up a bit of a sweat. I notice that the weather is getting cold again and the energy about the area is changing again. No one is in casual summer mode and we are in miserable cold britain again.

I've hardly done anything today, I've searched a few vacancies but mainly I've listened constantly to podcasts. I have a fat list of audiobooks I certainly could listen to, but right now stephen hawking, aristotle and st. paul really don't appeal to me. Where would I want to be right now? I'd want to be in bed next to a naked woman, or watching quantum leap episodes next to a naked woman. Or perhaps buying a new laptop.

I think I might just put the computer on silent, even put it off, and just lay down. Maybe I'll get some energy back after an hour. There are lots of things that can get me down right now, and there are also really nice things as well. If I were alone in the house I'd purge right now. It would be so good to purge.

I feel lazy, fat, and tired.
I had an interview this week, two dates, went interning, invited to two interviews and made a good start toward turning my life around.

I'm gonna lay down. I'm gonna blame tiredness on my workout today, even though I was tired then anyway. At least I maxed out on the leg curls. I want my quads to match my calves. I do have good calves. Not so good thighs though.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Filling a day with void tasks

According to my 'schedule' I've completed a fair amount of tasks, however by the standards of my 'points' system, I've done an 'ah, it's okay' amount. So, what's happened today?

1. Job searches
2. Searching/exploring graduate recruiters
3. Training
4. Snacking about
5. Reading GReader casually, but not too much so as I lose concentration
6. Invited to another interview (for a vacancy that I found from my old university - thank you very much you bastards)
7. Messaged a girl (another hippy) on social networking site
8. Messaged hippy girl to confirm date (no reply)
9. Writing a couple of blog articles (when I get my academic mind ticking I start thinking about books and literary things. Presently I am thinking about Nietzsche, Aristotle, and the latest Stephen Hawking book. I'm also reading a very scary book on the Armenian Genocide, and it was a genocide. Terrible what happened to those souls.
10. I bought some base-layer style main shirts from uni-qlo, this actually seems exciting

So, to sum up my day of void tasks (i.e. no job aplications), i've been typical and blogged that I've done nothing.

Putting myself out there...(Podcasts in the afternoon)

Good afternoon.

My arms feel this refreshing mixture of oxygenation and fatigue. I did a few more of those 'half-'pullups today, it really takes the wind out of my sails. My workout was moderate today, a slow jog (a really slow jog I must add) around the common, my overall pace was really quite bad. I think it was a combination of having nothing really to eat, dehydration, and only eating a sausage immediately before my jog. On the plus side, I did actually go out for a jog, and put myself out there.

Upon getting home, I found that the house was empty. I enjoyed this time by having a pot noodle and watching yesterday's 'mock the week'. I then leisurely went to get a showe, change clothes and apply my medicinal shampoo. Now here I am, thinking about half-thoughts and half-ideas. I sent a message to hippy girl, as she hasn't replied to my text. Which is a little suspitious considering that tomorrow is the date. Maybe she's got cold feet. That's okay, but I just hope that I'm not stood up. Damn.

I had an interview yesterday, which came as a surprise. Another interview is coming next week, and I've not heard back from the think-tank I was interviewed with last week. Damn. In some ways I feel that this week, and these weeks have been slightly unique, in that I've established a good equilibrium of action, and face-to-faces. I've also got my eye on social occaisions, and, despite being naughty with my gluttony, I'm still keeping a slightly consistent routine of jogging/training. I shall venture to jog tomorrow. Let's hope that I'll do better than today, which won't be too hard to beat.

I've got a full day of things to do today; and I'm trying to confirm on my date tomorrow. It would be quite a pickle if she didn't come. But that's life...

I'm considering that there are a few interesting shows available in soho. I've also got a ticket for a BBC recording. I get them all the time but now I'm really inclined towards watching a few of them. My head feels like it's in a blender right now, and I'm a little disoriented. I see that there are a lot of tasks to do, and I can't even distinguish between them. I think that I'll just have to do them singularly until they are less and less. I wish I had more support in my life. When I blog I feel like there is support. When I purge I feel there is support. That's what I miss the most about a relationship; having support. I'm feeling a bit lonely, and mia is never too far in those instances.

I better go. Wish me luck.

(written 4 hours ago, but forgot to post it)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I don't like...

I don't like Judas Priest. I fucking hate how indulgent and folk-talesy they are. I hate people who like power metal. I dislike how they do courses at university like physics, and how they have girlfriends who are dumpy and insecure and of such a low grade they are equivalent to them.

I don't like how frustrated I am at my life and how, complacent those fucking power metallers (or metal-lite) they are with the status quo and their lives. I hate power metal. I hate that I associate with heavy metal. I hate the repetition and the uncritical aesthetic acceptance of their band brand even if they are now dried up from their 20 year ago fame and mainly depend on playing the old songs to garner a crowd.

I hate when my mum talks about my eating habits. I hate how she doesn't like that I have an MA, and thinks that 'knowledge' and things like 'learning' or taking a methodical approach towards learning, or appealing to things like authority, science, and government recommendations are contrary to authenticity. Where ignorance is authenticity, my parents won't be far.

I want to scream and purge and shout and smash things.

Instead I blogged it all.

Fucking nerd cunts who like power metal and computer games and have fat girlfriends.Cocksucking cunt bastard fucks.

There I feel a little better. I'm going to lay down with an audiobook.

Days without jogging: but pat on back

Reasons to pat back:

1. Invited to interview yesterday
2. Telephone interview today
3.4. Job applications x2
5. two dates this week
6. possible meetup with blogger group? I'm still thinking about it, but I'm inclined. The only downside is the bloody tube crowd at rush hour. Bugger.

Reflection: for someone wh dishes a lot of criticism; I am not good at directing it to myself.

I'm an internet addict with few social skills and low motivation. Pull up your socks.

Now I've said it, I'm getting on with my present online application.


Fantasy Impromtu

I just had an interview on the telephone. Not quite one which entails booking an interview, I was called, and then, interviewed. Its a casual events staff for a major London venue. They said that they'll let me know next week. So, should I take it?

The first answer is obviously, yes. The second response is thinking whether this is the ideal outcome in my life. Well, I can always apply to graduate schemes and stuff later. It's certainly better than being unemployed, and it is shift work. I think that I might be able to fit in interning with it as well. Here's to hoping. On the plus side I will get to work near the City, with all the bankers and shit.

So, that's one achievement struck up today. Well done me. Now apply to jobs...

The 'academic' me

There's this academic side to me whifch constantly listens to podcasts and audiobooks and reading articles from journals and newspapers and blogs and other such websites.

Sometimes I am excited when I can see a relationship between reality and what I've learned. Often these connections come when I'm feeling a little positive.

Anyway. that kind of skill of knowing about random things comes in handy for dates. It can also be frustrating.

There I said it. Thoughtsicle fills balloon. I let go.

Worries removed.

Pot noodle time


I hate when I work myself into a sweat, and I am not working out, or working. I have committed to some constructive tasks today, but I do not feel that I have achieved what I have really set out for in my schedule. I have commited to the following today:

1. Vacuum stairs and upper floor (emptying the vacuum dust container twice)
2. Put mum's suitcase in the loft (where I had a trigger...don't want to say any more than that)
3. Put recyclables (sic) into recycle box
4. Did not make a mess

It may be said that the vacuum and the suitcase may constitute heavy lifting. Anyway, lets get on with my task. I got a text this morning from last night's date. I think my frustration last night at the 'disappointment' was setting up my expectations for sex. Lower the bar man; not just for being a sexual entity, but just, because that's the nice guy thing to do. I didn't pressure her, I just wnet home like an obvious masturbator. I haven't wanked since then. I feel emotionally clear I must admit. Anyway, I'm blogging to distract myself. Lets get on with my schedule...ugh.

At least I have a pepsi on my desk...comforting pepsi. I want another pot noodle...

Date-fail (skin's season 2 soundtrack in the morning)

There's something about listening to a Reggae track interspersed with indie and dubstep that reminds me of skins, and bristol. It reminds me of the culturally diverse city, it reminds me of melancholy, and it reminds me of being young(er) again. There was a moment when I was on the date, when I was walking down a road and it reminded me of the old flat I used to live in; namely, the road it was on. Big victorian houses probably built and supported by the slave trade. Opulent and quaint, now resided by students and other such individuals of malefice.

The date ended with 'i'm tired' and 'the station is just down here'. No sex. I think that's all I want to say about the date. She was insane too. Maybe it's better this way. I would have liked the sex, please? Oh well, on the plus side there are other positives:

1. I've been paid in today
2. I've been invited to an interview
3. Another date on saturday (I think)
4. I have two more pot noodle cups downstairs. I like pot noodle; its' my latest comfort food (until it loses its appeal). Its also quite low-calorie. 371kcal is low for a meal, right?

Anyway, I'm job searching again, every thursday, I search through w4mp, a really big board of vacancies. I hope to hear back from a few jobs by friday. Anyway, other things I can say are: I hate when people don't use pronouns to talk about things. It's so fucking annoying and shows this level of casuality (not causality) and frivolty which does not convey the gravitas needed for genuine emotional maturity. I also mumbled a lot on my date, yes, like my dad. It's terrible. I minced my words because of insecurity. In a way I am very much my father's son. I hate it.

I also felt distinctly vulnerable on the date. Being on a date, as with an interview, is like putting yourself ont he line, letting someone judge you as a person and submitting to ask for them to give you the golden oppurtunity (be it relationship/sex or a job) and so often they say no. I can't be macho and defensive and say something shitty about them, because it is my fault if I fail. Real life is a matter of engaging with those situations of vulnerability. Purging is like the antithesis of that. It's escape from vulnerability and pretending you are a tough guy; like how ethnic minority guys so often pretend to be tough.

Okay lets tget on with the day. I kind of want another pot noodle too. My cock has shrunk since the date. I didn't even wank last night. I put on an audiobook of st. paul's letter to the romans. (what the fuck?)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


My 'date' for tonight texted me. She's busy with recording (yes she's a recording artist of a sort - not porn though [why is that the first thing I clarified?]) so she's put off the initial time of 7pm to 9pm. At least she's still game. Or so I say at 19:35. So, what's the plan? Wait for some 30 minutes; go to ATM, withdraw 10 quids, then go to the station and begin my journey . I've not exactly determined a way to get back home either. I'm being very impulsive. I don't feel impulsive, I feel flabby, and I've eaten a limited amount today.

What did I eat today? I had a lucozade, a baguette from an amazing place near the office. One thing that was weird was that, on the way home; the vendor of the baguette shop was on the phone, with a pram, and talking about a drugs deal. That was a little fucked up. That's london for you. When I got home, I ate a couple of those store bought pancakes, and a pot noodle. While it was insubstantial, I'm preparing to go light for my date. Shall I do cologne? perhaps. I had an aromatic bath this morning, but then again I did sweat.

Boy, it was bloody busy in the office this morning. I've been away two weeks and it turns into some pandemonious nightmare. Not enough seats to go around, nor electric plugs for my laptop. I felt genuinely exploited, as there were a lot of new interns and I felt like the old dog who was going to get shot in the head.  There is a new couple of people and I think they are full time staff. One of them is fairly cute, not a model-looking stunner like the girl before (hmmm, she was hot; with those sexy flip flops and over the top fake blonde hair); the new girl reminds me of a female sociology student; rough around the edges, smokes (cos the rebels always smoke), disorderly hair, and a boho-chic about her. It makes me feel a little nostalgic. Mmm sociology girls. I wish I had the confidence to ask one of them out. I was a different person back then; a dweeb, a loser, a loner, a fatty. Well, I'm still a fatty now.

I'll tell you one thing that's a bit fucked up about my recent efforts with dieting. When I have a reduced diet (and I don't mean like seriously reduced more like >1800kcal per day, I start feeling lethargic at brief moments. I hate lethargy. The way I find that makes me eat less and yet avoids lethargy is if I jog in the day. It's like I free up energy in my body that I normally wouldn't. I want to ask my body: why are you so lethargic when you have so much spare energy in our body?!

Ah, it's a mess.

At least I'm not thinking about the date and getting nervous. I mean, until just now.

I have found one way to counter nervousness; don't think about it until the last minute. If I weren't so lethargic I'd catch up on my schedule; I've done tidbits of tasks and job searches but nothing special. I wonder if I'll get back home tonight. Let's say: if I go out to see her and she's not a guy (like last time - so I suspected [that girl last time had some manly sweat odours though...]), and nice, and I can talk to her; then it's a succesful date. If I go home without some action (we had some horny chats), that's fine too. If I have sex with her, then the anxiety comes, and I'm not quite sure how I'll feel. I'm really nervous about that. My dick has been bulging on and off all day (and all week), and I've found it pleasant only when I can hide it. Cold weather means jackets that have a flap over the fap sack. That's always good. I'll be really nervous about having sex, I'll worry if my dick is pissy, my ass is pooey (cos i too wee wee and poo poo out of them respectively); or if I shoot too early; I'm worried if I dont make her cum, or if I dont know how; I'm worried if I dont cum cos I'm nervous; I'm worried if i start crying after sex. I'm worried if I think when her naked body is in front of me and I want to run.

I can think of friends or confidantes giving me advice: be yourself, don't be someone else; stay calm; don't talk about your PhD proposal... all the fundamentals of dating advice. I'm feeling a bit chilly today, as well as tired; I hope I don't pass out during the date. I think I'll take my elegant jacket; especially since my shorter jacket is all sweaty. Maybe I'll change my socks, to look more like a real adult. I'm dressed as if I'm going to work. but not too formal to go to a wedding, but smart enough to go to wagamamas with new people. I'm typing and brain dumping cos I'm nervous and deflecting and I dont know who to talk to.

I better go. Just a few more minutes and I will have a formulae for the rest of the night:

1. Get cash
2. Go to station
3. Train change
4. Train to location
5. Walk to rendez vous point (noted in phone)
6. Call her when there
7. (date)
8. Optional: go home tonight

I dont know the rest after 7. I hope I have enough money adn I am not cut down into a pion of a lowly dog man like how Antonia used to do.

Okay, date-wait fear rant over. Laters

p.s. wish me luck, cos I need it
pps. I'm scared
ppps. i shouldn't have picked this cologne

Posh wank (Skins season 2 soundtrack in the morning)

I decided to sleep early, and not bother with going on MSN last night. I bedded myself just before 9. I woke up again at around half past midnight, I decided, after my horniness about tonight's date; to have a posh wank.

For those not in the know, a posh wank is when you beat off while wearing a condom, I quite enjoyed it. My penis is de-sensitised and the condom was matted. The condom also had a sweet taste. I think one reaches a real low when they try to determine the taste of a condom after one has came inside it.

I had a bit of a snack, I watched star trek voyager while on TV at 1am, it was comforting, like the old days. In addition, I snacked a bit. I realised that after I rose my blood sugar level, I was more disposed to sleep. I listened to a couple of academic podcasts and then I drifed into slumber again. I woke up at a reasonable 7am, lay in bed for a half hour, and then got up for an early aroma bath. Shaved, brushed teeth, made sure dick was clean and I even scrubbed my feet a bit.

Today I'm interning, just in case you forgot, I certainly have put it in the back of my mind. I'm doing hard work for a company that doesn't pay me. The really attractive girl has 'moved on' from the company, so I'm left with the less (althoguh still) attractive one; who's kind of the type who will take your virginity after the school dance because you were childhood friends. Pity fuck. Gosh I'm cruel.

I'm feeling insecure about my body. I have reduced my intake over the past few days, and since Monday's job centre business I've felt not like indulging my gluton; except for last night's cupcakes.

So, where am I today? Today we are at a midweek, two dates ahead of you, one blog meetup (perhaps) and only one job applied sofar. I need to get to job applying either after my interning today; or between thursday-friday. I don't think it will be possible to do too much on sunday. i'm stretching myself too thin with my activities. I thought I learned from that lesson. In the back of my head I'm hoping to be 'saved' by friday, either by UCL, or the left wing socialists I applied to, or the thinktank. The computer games shop hasn't considered me, and the guy at the job centre openly told me its not likely that i'm going to be on the workshop mainly because I'm interested in public sector.

I'm thinking to myself whether to wear a jacket. It looks sunny today, but it is also mid-september (fuck, I know...); it rains on and off this week and I don't want a wet shirt, be it from sweat or rain. I may be unpaid but I do have standards.

Today's plan seems straightforward; go to the train, go to 'work', have lunch then back to work. After work I'll go home, prepare for the date, make an excuse to my parents and then I'll do some catchup hopefully, either on GReader or GCal/jobs. Here's to hoping that today goes well, of course when a date occurs, there are so many oppurtunities for me to have a Larry David moment. At least I'm not bald at the moment.

I feel in a bit of a morning stupour right now. I want to blog loads and loads, as a separation from my current reality. I might talk about something else while I'm still having a brain dump. At the wedding last week, I was thinking about my late uncle. It was his daughter, after all who got married. Losing a father could not have been easy for them. Losing my uncle didn't mean as much in the sense that he wasn't my father nor did I know him as well, I was also too young to really appreciate it. Sometimes I have dreams about him. Sometimes I think about their family. Life has passed on quite a bit, my parent's 1970s and 1980s is my 00s and '10s That's a bloody scary thought; the cyclical nature of life. One generation decays, another grows, then decays again.

I dont think life was so great when they were around my age; but it got better and ythe time I was born things were pretty good. However now, its mroe confused; things are better like with disability legislation and there aren't any racial or overt prejudices in mainstream society, but there are other problems too. Every age has their issues. I certainly have mine, I worry about an ex girlfriend like she's an ex-wife and I think I always will. I just hope that today, as in all days, I am the best that I can be. I think i'm ready to put my clothes on now.

Good morning.

p.s. skins soundtrack is really good, I feel like I'm caught up with pop music of the past 2-3 years. yay :p

pps. I dont think I like heavy metal as much anymore, its' a bit boring and repetitive, I felt I always knew this, but even the stuff I like is turning to shit. I feel like listening a bit wider now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Research day, or 'the other sunday'

Good afternoon.

Yesterday's 3 hour nap was unexpected. I'm not quite sure how or why that came about. One possible reason was that I got a bit overwhelmed emotionally after my job centre interview. Anyway., today is my allocated 'research day', but it seems more like a catchup activity. I've kept up with reading some general encyclopaedia articles, and I've learned about this academic open access programme to transcribe the works of a great 19thC author. I decided to join up and try my hand at contributing to human expansion.

Some other things during the day include eating, eating again and general catch-up tasks. I updated my CV and I've spent some time to prepare for my job centre interview today. I'm going to go and I'll hope that they put me into the workshop for that agency. I dont know what the workshop will entail, but maybe it will lead to a job? The more I think about it realistically, the less realistically it seems they will say 'oh, I (the person from the agency) have an admin job I think you'll be great for; here's a job...'. Yeeesh, yeah right.

Lots of things I'm putting into the back of my mind. My dad's weird issues that he can't talk to my  sister going on for like 20 years; which in turn makes it weird with the way he acts around my nephew. My dad is an incompetent fat fuck. I hate everything that he represents. The same goes for my mother. Their lowly proletarian values and their spiritual gins are not the values of self-improvement or aspiration. They are too comfortable, and they have this infectious nature of spreading that sloth.

I've thought about mia lately. I want to purge, because it gives me seperation from the world that seems to want to embroil me. I want to stay pure and seperate by purging. On the other hand, getting a job, and more female action requires more social immersion. Hippy girl wants me to confirm details of our date on saturday, I've not replied back. Older hippy woman I'll see tomorrow. I'm a mix of excited, scared, nervous and 'wtf'. I am thinking of going to this drinks meetup on thursday, which is basically a blogger meeting. I've never been in a blog-based social meetup before, apparently there are biscuits.

In a moment I'm going to head off to the job centre and have some kind of interview, doing what I don't know; its a screening for the workshop with the agency next week. I suppose they want people who won't waste the time of the agency lady. When I get back, I'll do more of the reading tasks on my research day. I'm a bit put off some of the reading that is set; one reason is that it's not really related to my PhD area, but it is basically about a figure who is the monumental guy of the late 20thC and I should know about him anyway, but it also means its a long-ass encyclopaedia article. I have a bit of a good feeling today, in the sense that 1. I have two dates
2. did I mention I have two dates? and 3. I'm getting a fair amount ahead with my schedule this week, despite yesterday's embarassing nap-gate scandal.

I lost my concentration, what was I talking about again? So, tomorrow I'm seeing Mrs. Robinson (you know: the graduate?), Interning (don't forget about that...); as well as planning the next date, possibly going on a blog social; possibly further going to another social event on saturday night, and oh, don't forget, I have things that are part of my intentional set like: getting a job, advancing my research project independently.

The positives are: I'm organised and it looks like my life is turning a leaf
Negatives: I'm running about like a headless chicken

Anyway, I'm off. Job centre awaits. I'm going to put on a fancy shirt and jacket. Instead of my jogging bottoms and a cum smelling t-shirt. Look the part, the advisor said.

Wish me luck, or better still, jerk me off.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Writing task

A writing task that I've set myself from a motivational page on wikihow:

Define and describe your goal. Write down when you want to achieve it. Write down the reasons why you want it. Write down what it would feel like after you have achieved it. Figure out exactly what it will take to get it. Be realistic about the time things will take. Many people don't allow themselves enough time, and give up too soon.

Goal: Get a PhD
I want to get it within 6-10 years
I want it because there's nothing else in life that gives me such purpose
I'll feel whole when I get it
It will require the following to obtain

  • Reference letters
  • Enquiries
  • Securing a supervisor
  • Application
  • Application acceptance
  • Funding/money
  • Time
  • Effort
  • Dedication and sacrifices
  • Personal change

I put off that task because I'm afraid of saying it. Now I feel in a rush it seems easy.

Psychic vampire

I'm chatting to my ex at the moment, on MSN.

She's a real psychic vampire. Just her few words drain me of emotion and positive feelings. I do worry for her though. Antonia's daughter is not too well. I love them both. Perhaps it was silly of me to tell her about my dates.

Reply from Hippy girl. We'll meet by the Thames from 3pm. I can't believe it's really happening. I can't believe I'm having two dates, with two girls, while thinking of my ex and worried sick about her, while 'Mia is taunting me, and I'm still unemployed, and the job centre is making me jump hoops, and I'm behind in my schedule, and I'm waiting on jobs, and I'm feeling ever hopeless about getting a PhD because of the budget cuts.

Life is not simple.

I had a 4 hour nap. I woke up feeling like, oh FUCK!

Is this my life?

I feel a distinct shift lately. It's strange. I feel so accustomed to the familiarness of drudgery, that once it does get good, I'm not sure how to respond. So, let's talk about my hopes and prospects.

Job centre gave me a few leads this week, a few job leads to check out, and an agency is coming as well who might help. I hope they give me a job, or line me up for things to consider. The worst thing that could come of it would be if its a workshop where they just told us stuff to do that 'might help'. I've had that for the past 2 years, with all due respect; I want a paid job, not advice.

Tuesday is my proposed research day, I'm not sure now if I'll actually attend to it because I have a lot to do this week. I have lost a little weight between the past few days, largely due to my confidence boost on saturday morning when I found out from hippy girl that I'm on a date! Then I found out that another girl is into me, which is likely to lead to a friends-with-benefits situation. I tell you one thing; hippies may have fucked up conceptions of natural science, reasoning and metaphysics (the things I pride myself on), but they sure like me. It must be the indian heritage I have, looking like a guru or something. Ah, I'm as indian as a gin and tonic (namely: not really, but there's some British influence there). Two dates, one week. One thing I'm trying to tell myself is: don't let it get to your head. I need to keep focused on the real goals, job, and possible research hopes. Weight loss is another goal.

This week I'm hopeful, hope is a quantity that comes sparsely in my life, even more sparse is success. With things possibly getting good, I think to myself: is this my life? I feel like I'm going to wake up any minute and I'm in third year again, fat, alone, wanking in my room that smells of piss because I piss and shit in a bucket instead of leaving the room. Those were dark days. I haven't thought about them in a long while.

*pensive pause*

Anyway, I better get back to the present. Maybe a better life awaits, or even still, a life better-than-now. Oh, and girls!

My confidence has gotten up a notch, after the girl called me sexy. I'm giddy like a teenaged boy. I'm also rapidly horny. I need to use this energy in other ways than just wanking myself off.

I'm going to check a list of books for the journal that I review for. Then I'm getting on. Toodles.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Golly, a weekend in 25 points

Golly. Let's talk about lists again

1. Traffic on the way to the wedding
2. I said things to my dad I regret, insulting things
3. My dad fucked up my cummerbund in the wedding, really pissed me off
4. Nice alcohol during th wedding, and my sis got me a gin and lime at the bar
5. Awesome food at the wedding.
6. I love my family, and my cousins are a big laugh.
7. Little awkward moments in the wedding.
8. My nephew was cute during the wedding
9. Did i mention that the food was to die for? die like diabetes!
10. The way home was just as bad as going there. Awful traffic.
11. When I got home I got a message from a girl on a social networking site
12. we chatted and she even suggested i visit her house at 1am so we can have late night loving
13. What? that shit doesn't happen to me!
14.  I was a wuss and said no but wednesday evening as a date would be good too
15. Hippy girl also organised a date.
16. The girl in 11. is 47 years old but looks like a nice late 30s (and soo hot). she's into me, i'm into her, but most importantly I feel I can talk to her well.
17. Sunday: woke up at 7am, wanked over girl in 11. fell asleep
18. Sunday: woke up at 11am
19. Went for a jog. 4.2k, calisthenics, some new emphasis on supported pulllups My arms were suitably troubled by this new task.
20. Went home, ate only two meals today. Being good? time will tell. I feel my parents downstairs motivate my want not to eat and also to dally about the house. I work best living in a single room. Weird.
21. Today I caught up with various tasks, I've less things obsctructing me to get back to job hunting tomorrow. I also did job sheets and emailed some rejection emails to the JCP advisor.
22. Sign in tomorrow: 9:30, get up: 8am
23. Then more job applications.
24. I clarified details about date on wednesday. I think its possible there may be sex. I'm scared, but I'm also really horny, and really eager.
25. Emailed hippy girl, asking to clarify time for saturday's date.

Today's summary: I am going on two dates this week, with two different girls. My confidence is up. I have a smile on my face, I ate two meals today.

One year on from the breakup; its not so bad. ;) Now I just need to work on other things in my life, namely: money, flat to live in, job, life, research (don't forget the fucking research).

My research aspirations look more bleak by the day. Government ministers from both Libdem and Cons are proposing a cut in funding. Two years ago was bad, now is really bad, this will be worse.

Anyway, I'll focus on the weight loss and the girl prospects for now.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

one rome rises while one troy falls

My ex started messaging me again. Apparently things aren't going too well for her. Her 'fiancee' turned on her, went violent and she called the cops. Antonia's daughter is also unwell. I worry for them both. I had a lot of mixed feelings last night after chatting to her. I had this difficult emotional moment. That is all I want to say.

In another story, last night I asked out the hippy girl. Guess what? Text reply this morning. She's interested!!! Possible date planned for next tuesday. Two tate museums linked by a boat trip. Nice date idea? I hope so. I hope it goes well. She seems really nice, and into me. I'd so love to move on with my life, talk to a nice girl, boost my confidence and maybe see how far I can get ;)

Although I still worry for my ex. Im balancing an act of still caring about Antonia, with trying to get on with my life. Maybe I can be the magnanimous one; as her relationship burns to the ground, I won't be petty. Not publically anyway.

Wedding today, I've decided to hump my pillow. I wanna get out all the horny before I'm civilised. I told hippy girl that I'm vain. I told her a lot with that. I can be vain, I understand complicated stuff and I have a masters. It's only fair. Anyway, here's to a good day, and next week being even better. Oh yeah!