Sunday, September 5, 2010

This weekend

This weekend has been a fairly neat mix of laziness and achievement. The past few days also are 'days off' applications and general getting-my-life-back activities, including jogging/training. In a sense I've been quite busy socially, even if its small stuff. Friday was the day that my parents left, I bought a shitload of chinese food, purged and then had a bit of a depressed moment. I think I needed it though. Sometimes its important to speak the truth. Things aren't so great. However I'm going to keep busy and send off more applications in an effort to get my life back. This morning I admit was pretty difficult. I felt and thought a lot of shitty things.

Anyway, lets talk about positives. Despite the binge, I'm still on the whole weighing less than last week. I'm 224.6 today, yesterday I was 226.0 (post binge) and the day before on friday I was 223.8. Overall I think that's progress. I should avoid binges though. Last night I ate very little during the day, just snacking while my brother was here. I went to the prom last night as well. It was great! I enjoyed the music, although the view wasn't so great. There were a lot of philistines there, who were not familiar with the work of the second viennese school of composition. There's an opinion about the music of Alban Berg which goes something like: Webern is the serialist who looks forward, and Berg is the serialist who looks backward. I think that is far from the truth. Berg was really harsh, the music felt like hate to me, an intense feeling of hate powerered through me. I got tickets on the Gallery, that's the top part of the concert hall where technically you can see the whole venue. It's a great place to assassinate someone if you were so inclined. My hands were all RSI'd out from clapping. It was Sir Simon Rattle after all. I did not appreciate people talking during the second half, but I did appreciate the fuckers that walked out so that I had a better view. By the time of Berg's 'Three pieces for orchestra' I had the best view in the house as the gallery cleared out by people in disgust of avant-garde music. Idiots.

I asked out three girls to come with me. I asked out my latina friend who is visiting, although she's not 'datable', she's a long time friend and totally in the friend zone, she's cute though. I asked out another girl who said she wasn't available (I discussed this in a previous post), and I also seemed to have invited hippy girl. Hippy girl was indisposed, if she weren't I would have had a date with a hot blonde 27 year old. Being the pessimist that I am; I consider this to be a great victory of my confidence. I asked out three girls and they didn't turn me down. They all gave reasons why they didn't want to go. This probably sounds odd, but I think that I believe them and I don't think that they 'rejected' me. I feel that if I can ask a girl out once, or twice, or thrice. I could bite the bullet and do it again, perhaps. My confidence has gone up a notch. it also helps when I lose weight. My brother came home yesterday, I learned two things:

1. He has a new girlfriend
2. He's about 80lbs lighter than me.

Both are wtf responses. I'm always happy about my brother's wins in life, but I'm also a tinge jealous of his life. What little brother would I be if I weren't envious in a friendly way. It's not like I'm going to kill him in some Greek tragedy or something. Alas, he's a different person; he says 'irregardless' like a dickhead and I have the master's degree. Maybe one day I could say 'I HAVE THE POWERR' like He-Man (you know...MASTERS of the universe?). I digress. When I left the concert hall, I got lost and ended up in High Street Kensington (instead of South Ken). It was a little scary. It was full of 'Rahs' and 'Sloan Ranger' types and some of them distinctly looked like mutton in lamb's clothing, they were still sexy though, just keep the lipstick and cheap perfume. They had that look of desperation on them. I think that goes with being poshos anyway.

I got lost it would be fair to say. I was too ashamed to walk the other direction and admit that I was lost, so I just kept walking. 'I'll find a tube station soon enough' I thought to myself. Why does walking in the unknown seem so much longer than how it actually is. I was only walking for about 25 minutes. I eventually got on two trains and then realised how to go home. That ended up being a total of jumping on 4 trains to get home. I rewarded myself with a cod and chips. It only costed £3 as well. I suppose that's the antidote to overly expensive binges from yesterday.

So we are left with today. Despite being alone in my life (excepting when my brother visited). I was otherwise contacted by a few people this weekend, all women, and all represent some dimension of my life:

1. My sister: Family, mother of my nephew, she's taking me to see cousins later today (in about 15 minutes from now, actually)
2. My ex: thanking me for bday card. Funny enough the birthday was around the time she broke up with me, and the last time I've had sex. Fuck me. Please?
3. Latina girl: friend, asked out to prom, nothing romantic about her. She's a nice friend though and she's known me since before I got all fucked up and depressed.
4. Potential date girl: Messaged on social networking site; 18 years old; cute and shy, metalhead/gothic type, genuine. Realistic assessment: I'm a practice guy before her real serious boyfriend. Cannot be anything serious with her, but just nice for us both to get more confidence. She is a nice girl, but its just I'm a bit older than her and she's got her whole life ahead of her. I don't want to be her mistake, well, maybe not her big mistake.
5. Potential date girl 2 - the hippy: She was painting a friend's house. She's always hands on, and yoga-ey. Borderline flirt, blonde, skinny, healthy, cute. Everything I'm not. Also she seems to like me. That goes in my favour, even if I don't see how or why she likes me (personally I dont see why anyone would like me generally).

So, three women from my past that represent who I am as a person (little brother, ex lover, good friend) and two potential dates who probably see me in different ways too (learned type, nice guy).

Am I a nice guy? I have no fucking idea. I do help people, and I do work with a charity, I do volunteer, and I do run a support group. I also hate myself and I'm a hateful person. One day I'll improve myself. I'd rather be smart than nice. i should see the latina before she goes back home. She's a lovely friend.

I'm suddenly craving fish and chips again. It's probably curry and samosas and other unhealthy shit today as I go to my cousin's place. It's all good though. I should get back to jogging at some point. So the summary of next week is:

1. Doctor's appointment tomorrow (ask for scalp shampoo - glamorous)
2. JCP appointment (I know, sucks)
3. Interning
4. (date?) I think I want to do it on wednesday. Call it symbolism, or call it avoiding dark memories. I really want to go on wednesday, also, Tate Modern is near the station I pass through (yay!)
5. Parents coming back home/cousin's [not the one I'm visiting now] wedding

Looks eventful. It also looks like more reasons to not jog, gain weight and not apply to jobs. I need to be vigilant this week. Busy-ness begets busy-ness. I'm gonna be busy anyway, so I need to keep especially active in my job search and job hunt to get to where I want to be.

I almost seem like a real person this weekend, instead of a hollowed out excuse for a turd. It's just as important to go out to get a life. A job isn't a life, it's a means to one. In other news, I read two academic papers on the queue to the proms. Pretty good going.

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