Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Anxious in the morning

I feel anxious. On a scale of 1-10 I think I'm between 4-6. On my scale (which I've arbitrarily just made up now), precedents would be:

10 - the anxiety before my research methods exam in second year
7-8 - the anxiety of failing my MA essay
2 - Last friday's interview with the thinktank

I woke up at a late 11am. I was sleeping in as one may call it. Waking up this morning I found various emails that I needed to deal with, the one thing that caused me the most anxiety is an email from the internship that gave me an offer last week, where the 'employer' is asking to call her immediately. I called about an hour and a half ago, and she was in a meeting. I'm going to have to call again in about 10-15 mins.

Another thing that worries me is that I woke up next to crumbs of fig rolls. Apparently stacking food in your wardrobe is very typical binging behaviour. About 2am last night I was munching on a pack of fig rolls. It's a very bizarre and specific thing to eat. On the other hand I found it comforting to imagine arabs and people from ancient times making fig rolls just like how I'm eating them in present day and it was comforting. That's weird, but there are few creature comforts these days.

So, my weight and the internship are worries on my mind at the moment. Other worries at the moment include: money, job seekers allowance, namely; if I take this internship I'll have to void my claim. Someone at the intern advocacy website suggests otherwise, however. Then I'm also waiting on the thinktank to give me an offer. I have a horrible feeling that I got rejected from the thinktank, and then I'll have to make a hard decision which in some way will fuck me up the arse. So here are the worst case scenarios as I see them and as they worry me (the antidote of last week's optimistic modalities):

  1. I get rejected from the thinktank, turn down the charity internship and bank on the job assessment/training day next week. I'm back to square one, and utterly butthurt
  2. I'm rejected from the thinktank, take on the charity internship and be consequence: turn down the paid job, void my JSA and end up overall poorer than if I were in situation 1., but with job experience and the unlikely hope of a job at the end of it. 
*premature end of post*

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