Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ugh, fuck my life (ambient natural noise in the morning)

Ambient natural noise isn't a band, or an electronica group. It's literally, the sound of my computer and my keyboard clacking away.

I'm not in the mood for music at the moment. Outside my window are these gorgeous two girls having breakfast in their garden, in dressing gowns; how glamourous. They must be in their 20s, life is great for them. Maybe they are medical students (there's a hospital nearby..) or perhaps they are living the good life and pretending everything is like the sitcom friends; where they just fuck each other while humourous situations occur in their lives, like a billionaire dates monica, or rachel works for ralph lauren.

Friends, or F.R.I.E.N.D.S. doesn't relate to the life I know. I'm upstairs in my parents house, with a room for myself; here I am staring voyeuristically at a life that other people who went to university at the same time as me are indulging upon. I got turned down by the university job for stacking books. What the fuck, man. I can't even get a job stacking books. I hope that doesn't translate to my luck with waterstones.

So I have an interview, I'll probably leave in about an hour or so. As I voyeuristically continue to stare at those amazingly hot women with their hot skinny male flatmates; I ponder onto myself of how desperately droll and shit my life has become. I hope desperately that I get money. I want money, money is the solution to my problems: self esteem, sexual attractiveness, social mobility, friendship, aspiration, and even PhD's. Capitalism rules all, this isn't the conclusion I'm happily accepting but this is how the world communicates to me.

I got upset yesterday, because there was an advertised studentship for a PhD that I applied to in Belgium. Almost exactly the same conditions. I think to myself: should I apply again? it feels too soon; considering the fact that it was only a few months since I was rejected. It also reminds me how long the application was. It probably started about a year ago. Fuck me.

There's also an article on the news that upsets me. It is notifying the public that a certain thinktank has unpaid interns who do the bulk of their labour, and for a thinktank that is exactly concerned about graduate employment and prospects for persons who finish university; its hypocritical to give unpaid labour oppurtunities with no job prospects at the end of it. Oh, the other thing. I had an interview with them two weeks ago. FUCK.

This stuff can easily depress me. This situation can easily convince me that its the end of the world. Then again, it looks like the opening scene to a pornography movie outside my window. Hmmm, sexy 20-somethings prancing about in their dressing gowns...what the hell have I become?

I purged yesterday. I'm not fully sure why. I just felt that I needed to. I feel a little hopeless about my weight loss plan. At least one positive is that I can jog tomorrow as intern day is rescheduled to thursday. I'm going to have a pot noodle for breakfast, and then I'm going to dress up. I probably have only about 30 minutes prancing about time. I thought it would be longer...

Okay I better go. Wish me luck in the interview, in the jobs, in life, and with aspiration.

Too much? How about a new laptop? please?

Ugh, I want to be thin and do sex work. I could be Belle de Jour, but asian, and male, and bulimic

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