I can see time passing by in receipts

It's been maybe 3-4 weeks since I've last done my receipts. As well as the receipts, the weather changes reflect how much a change in aura there is. It's the cold season again. That's the time when I get depressed. It was not long ago (or so it felt) when the cold was fading away; and then the sunny days came. I took the sunny days for granted, enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed seeing women wearing less.

Now it's getting cold again. It's even passed that time when I ambiguously am not sure whether to wear a jacket (then it's too hot) but if I'm just in a single layer its too cold. It's cold. it's rainy, and I could drink a cup of tea and enjoy it. That's what the weather is like now. I felt the chill as I went jogging, and I hope that I can keep up my pace. I probably need to change my goggles from sunglasses shades to low lighting when I jog now.

Looking at my receipts, I see tickets, I see my attempts to go out more and enjoy cultural things. I see:

• Day out at thorpe park
• Nandos with friends
• Eating at wetherspoons on a summer day, with mates
• Going to the proms at the start of this month, summer still a warm memory
• Buying groceries when my parents were on holiday
  
• Recent ticket to see Isy Suttie
• Recent purchase of uniqlo heat shirts (ps. buy more)

I love those uniqlo shirts. I don't love that I'm gaining weight. I've jogged hard, and I'm healing my muscles at the moment. Tomorrow is the job centre appointment. Hopefully I'll get some stuff done, I'll need to talk to the job centre advisor about my situation. I hope they'll be sympathetic. I don't think they will, though. I hate being aspirational because it means I'll get hurt numerous times. I hate when I seem like I'm not aspirational when other around me persevere. What do I do? I guess I put myself in a vulnerable place emotionally, I must be afraid to fail, but also prepared for it. Lately mia has gotten into me, and I've found it helps. Having that layer to hide behind makes reality a little bit more bearable. Having that gloss, that veil, that delayed response, that mulling of emotions, that power, that comes from purging, feels like the thesis to the antithesis of life.

Hello Autumn. I remember you well.

Here's to hope, hope that life gets better, that the next week will have many good oppurtunities, and perhaps most importantly; I hope that the job interview/assessment day on the 5th leads to a job. I'd be damned if my life goes well. Fuck. I'm 24 and unemployed. I hate my life right now. I wish I had support, I wish it went right. In the hope of it getting right it seems unreal. I've become too accostomed to failure.

I want to purge right now. I also want to eat.