Dear Diary,

 

I have run out of excuses about being so slow today. But despite how slow I feel mentally, I'll have to just get on with my tasks for today.

10+6.5+4.5+5.5+4 = 30.5

*8.3 = 253.15

 

Today I caught up on some tasks, not enough, but some.

 

Then I entered my shifts, caught up on blogs, went to body balance, did some manscaping (legs this time). Now I feel tired. Today is a slow day. Because That interview took a lot of juice from me.

 

Tomorrow is another day. A relief that today passed by. Finally got a duvet instead of a sleeping bag to sleep in. It's getting darned cold.

October is mostly planned. Hopefully if I get interviews, it won't get in the way of work. But if it did, I could afford a few shifts ignored.

Autumn

Autumn,
Hello again old friend.
No matter how long it has been since I've not seen you
I always feel like no time has passed

Autumn is cold, dreary and wet
It's the personification of my feelings
Nobody wants to go out, you have to wear more
It's less fun for barbeques

Being with you reminds me of my past Autumns
We have a history
I started purging around this time in 07
My life was fucked in 08
Girlfriend dumped me in 09
Started working in 10

Last year? I think time has passed enough to really reflect on it
I was miserable because I had a place on a scheme but couldn't get on it
For my own stupid reasons
I then found I had a few interviews
But none followed through
One interview really fucked with my head
It was for an events company,

This year?
A few interviews so far
Haven't got another job yet
Trying to keep busy with keeping fit
Trying to make more money

Maybe this year will be different
I keep saying that.
I'll say it again,
The light of summer is giving me hope
But maybe because it was still a little while ago
When you could walk around in a vest and shorts

sartorial reflections

sartorial reflections come to mind today, because I wore the same clothes for two days straight, at 5 different occaisions.

• Waistcoats make me look like the joker - get more of them
• I might need to consider new boots. I like boots
• Great new cords worked perfectly. And with this weekend really marks the beginning of autumn. Hello dreariness
• Long jacket is a staple

Clothes I keep for a while. Clothes last a while. I also associate clothes with memories. There was a period when I started purging where I got a jacket from cost-co. I thought it was the hottest shit in the world. It was a grey pea coat, size Large. It hanged off me and it seemed to have all the traits of the other peacoat I owned. I loved that peacoat.

I now hate both of them. One of them reminds me of being a real dick after my incarceration i started purging. I thought it was a symbol of me mixing between casual and smart. I feel like my life is a lot of 'lost time'. All these job applications, all the rejections. I'm wasting my life because I can't afford to improve it, and I can't get a job full time. I'm trying...god damn it I'm trying.

The grey pea coat, I only wore it a few times, but then I lost interest in it. The faded blue peacoat represents Marie. It represents mistakes. The mp3 player I currently have I got just after I knew marie, when I was still waiting for her, and she never contacted me again. My most recent jacket that I bought, its also from a dark time.

 

I need new clothes. Not just to update my inventory, but to reflect me letting go of the past. Letting go of the lost time period.

I just wish the 'lost time' period wasn't still going on.

 

Off to bed now.

dear diary

 

weird day today. Food festival for the garden. Maybe the first of its kind. Met lots of nice people today. Really nice to be around people who like the idea of the garden. It would be good to get more people involved. Less of myself as well! The irony of a food festival is that I barely ate today. Most of my food was junk, but in terms of the calories (whether bad or not) i haven't had enough.

 

went out with friends. Jamming session. wore uniqlo blue shirt. Was a lot of fun. I love uniqlo shirts. Spent £50 on uniqlo clothes on friday. Well worth it. One of my favourite bloggers is getting a book published. Really happy for her. Also, I realise how shit this blog is. I don't write this to be read. I write to be expressed. I'm so tired right now. In 8 hours I have to get to the 2nd day of the event. One of the garden people is going to be dressed as a tomato. That will be cute.

 

Went to club earlier. That was uncomfortable. I felt very uncomfortable. I was sober, my anxiety was up. I left 'early'. I had nothing more to prove today. I've reached the limit of my anxiety in public situations and wearing my social face. Like physical exercise. There's a time to stop. Now, bed.

 

friend told me of a nasty secret. I told him honestly: when you tell me stuff that people promise that you won't tell others. I expect you to hold that promise.

i had some pretty weird dreams. first one was about a wierd thing my friends were doing to me. They made me sit on a pumpkin naked and threw scissors into the pumpkin 3.5 ft away. I got scared. Then there was a poo that came out of me, but it wasn't mine, and it came out sideways. I know how gross that is. I have no idea what that means.

 

Second dream was me being dominated by a woman who looked like someone on fetlife. It felt so good, I completely submitted to her, even to the point where she'd cut me and if i was bad i would have eaten her booby prize food (I won't go into it here). Needless to say, weird scatalogical symbolisms in my dreams.

 

What the fuck indeed.second dream was sexy in other parts tholugh. I enjoyed being a submissive

just one step at a time

Dear Diary,

 

I'm off to work. Sort of long shift today. Well, the length of an ordinary day of work, actually, except it starts at 1pm. I'm packing all my gear. Yesterday was sorta-productive. I have to continue the flow for the next few days. however, tomorrrow is work from midday (basically my whole day is gone), then I have some other activities in the weekend.

 

Just one step at a time...[been a while since I said that]

Dear Diary

 

Didn't get the job. Typical. Gonna lay in bed feeling depressed now. Lots to do today. Must get on.

monday morning (podcasts at 10am - In Our Time on the Cell)

Dear Diary,

 

woke up early. presumably because I slept early. I find that exercising and actually tiring yourself out during a day is a great way to sleep. I got up at 7:30, got out of bed properly by around 8am. It's nearly 10am now and I've spent the past couple hours catching up on RSS feeds and setting up the next day of tasks. I've opened up a bunch of windows and I will deal with them systematically. I find this is my pattern for mondays with job searching. I do all the searching at the start of the week, then the applying.

 

Onwards.

p.s. I feel a bit more chirpy than last night. Optimistic - no, but determined, maybe

Onwards

note to self: hearing from former university friends through social media - depressing

sunday night aint alright (indie playlist in the evening)

Dear Diary.

Not feeling too well right now.

in fact I feel shit. Interview on tuesday, I have no hope to passing or succeeding in it when it happens.

I went to the garden today, perhaps the only positive achievement of today. I carried a massive sack of branches and leaves (my dad cut them from the garden) and put them into the compost heap. Really tiring, really worn down. I then shifted some of the compost

Got my tax return a couple of days ago. If I'm conservative with my spending, this will last a while. May even have enough money to go on a date!

I spent the past 3 hours reading magazines, or as its called in my schedule 'pdf reading'. I do schedule 'fun' time into my calendar, I have been putting it off. I guess today is a good day to call up on the stock of non priority tasks. Right now my brain is killing me. I'm thinking of laying in bed checking google reader for news. I have lots of RSS shit to catch up on.

My head is fucking killing me. Gym is closed for 2 weeks now. That chicken bake I ate wasn't so great, so why did I eat two??

lethargy day (but productive?)

Dear Diary,

I'm feelign tired so I'll keep it brief, today I put stuff on ebay, tidied up my room, did some washing, practiced piano, caught up watching tv, did some training at the gym and now I'm really tired. Could have done more today but I'm just feeling lethargic today.

Gym's closing for refurb for the next couple weeks. I'll need to find alternative plans to weight training.

 

Gonna lay in bed now. This is what I've wanted all day.

Show me a happy loser and I'll show you a loser.

Interview 2 complete. interview 1 I just got notice that I didn't get it.

Treat every interview like the job you are going to get. But if I'm honest I am not happy about not getting the job. The lady employer called to tell me, then she called again to tell me that I scored highest in the competency tests (but not the interview). Not really helpful. Not really helpful that I was close to getting a job I didn't get. Show me a happy loser and I'll show you a loser.

I feel like purging, if I'm honest, that'show I truly feel. The need to express anger, comfrot, consolation, hatred and regret. Its all done through two fingers.

reflections

Dear Diary:

 

felt stupoured again. Not good.  I think I was malnourished. Today I did the following:

• Job search
• Interview prep
• Body Balance
• Archiving/blog tagging
• Preparing reading schedule for book review
• Investigated some PhD studentships

I feel like I'm not doing enough compared to the past few days. I said to myslef that I would have at least one day a week where I wouldn't be as productive. I've had about 2, but normally on days where I think I won't be productive, I am productive. Today I felt very low motivation. My blog is probably going to sound miserable again, weather is getting shit, so's my mind.

 

Lets hink of positives: I had a good laugh at body balance. The instructor made a joke, she said: there's a man staring at us from outside, he's pretending not to stare, lets give him something to look at: someone strip naked, maybe not you Conatus. The joke was that I'm the only guy and highlighting the male gaze (of the man). Am I the token man of an all female gym class? I don't care, I used to be in sociology seminars as the only guy, I was there for the theory, and I'm in that body balance class to work on my abs, I need ab days because its not as fun doing crunches in the gym on my own, doing weights is fun but not the floor exercises.

Interview later. Also I'll try to do spinning, then prep for the interview on friday.

Now I'm tired. Too tired to wank too.

 

By the way, I accidently entered this website when I joined a forum, and someone saw the blog. She's nice,despite how immature I am on this blog (especially with my self-abuse), she still thinks I'm a nice guy. I guess to most people I am actualyl a nice guy: I'm good to my mum and I'm friendly at work, and I hate when people make misogynist remarks in the workplace. I like to appear boring in real life, its more accessible, more friendly. Children smile at me a lot lately, don't know why, maybe its the hair. I smile back.The woman on the form now chats to me a bit, she's nice. Its nice to have someone who likes similar music to me, who is also really sympathetic. I talked to her about mia. I got kind of upset when I brought it up, all those painful memories.

I need to focus on making new memories, as Laura said I should. I miss my chats with Laura, why were so many of the nice girls named laura, there's more than one blood laura. There's the laura from 2007, the Laura from 2010, then the two Lauras I dated in 2006 and 2007 respectively ( the latter is different to the aforementioned laura from 2007). I made a joke with the OKC girl (I call her Rae) I was chatting to, her name was close to Antonia's, but it wasn't Antonia. Rae's probably found a nice bf now.

A girl on OKC messaged me last night, she said: so you don't like Manic Pixie Dream Girls? No, I love them, thats the problem. I was coming home from the class tonight and I was thinking to myself, all that pain I put myself through at the gym, its nothing compared to the hurt I got from Marie, having bulimia and being severely depressed. That physical pain is like a little reminder, like when you listen to a song on the radio and remember a concert. I can turn the radio off. I can choose to go to those classes. I embrace that pain, I want more pain, maybe because I've had worse, but only just.

So long summer

So, victory parade on monday. We'll miss you from the tv you wonderful athletes.

 

Lets talk about tuesday. Woke up, early as it happens. I sent off an item sold on ebay. I then had breakfast. I got suddenly tired around 1pm. Fell asleep until 4:30. Ignored my schedule, played badminton. Quite an endurance session. Legs still off, I';ve been really tired today. Not sure why. Other things I've done today:

 

Interview invitation - central government job. Need to think seriously about this after friday.

Sent off october shifts

Badminton

Dispatched ebay item

Caught up on thunderbird stray email tabs.

got a few messages from fetlife. Got a message on OKcupid from a cute girl, who said she's a card carrying manic pixie dream girl. Looked at her profile, she loves the smiths.

 

Why do all of the MPDG's love the smiths? anyway, it was pretty cold today, the start of a pattern. I need to get ready for the cold. Here come the dark times. To put it in the words of James Hetfield: Do I have the strength/to know how i'll go?/Can I find it inside/to deal with what I shouldn't know?

Dear Diary,

 

woke up at 9, got up at 10. I've organised a social media campaign for a community event in a couple of weeks, but besides that not done much. Got to take things more seriously today. Watching the parade on the bbc news feed. Looks fun.

 

Got to get more done today!

half a bottle of gin (keith jarrett in the midnight)

dear diary,

overall the week has been good. kept busy, kept active. weekeind I decided to just keep things light, I was invited to a bbq by friends last night, ended up drinking half a bottle of gin. I then barely remember my stupidity, I texted a lot of people with the word teacup. anyway this week at work I saw some paralympians, i shouldn't say too much about my job, but I will say this: it was genuinely inspiring to see people who were part of the public consciousness right now who represent something so special. Makes me proud to be british to know that the paralympics was hosted in my home city.

So I woke up this morning with a killer hangover. I got to work. work was fine. Lot of sitting, I sat down for 2 hours and it passed quickly. I was reading articles on my phone. Must have read about 50 blog posts. Lots of catching up. I got home, I realised how tired I was when I discovered to myself how much of a lack of concentration and giving a shit I had today. Saw the paralympic closing ceremony. Bit too much coldplay, but otherwise it was wonderful.

Lots to do tomorrow. Feel like I don't give a shit right now. My head is all mangled. I am in a stupour. Worked today, that's probably all that matters for now. Even got free food at work. Very nice.Off to bed now.I'm not very lucid as you can tell. I'm forcing myself to post. Maybe its that gin from yesterday making me so ill-worded (ill worded?) I had an anxiety moment earlier today. I've been trying to relax to avoid it.

Off to bed now.

awkward guys at spinning class

came back from spinning. Had a protein shake, with soy milk this time. God it was panacea to me after that session. Really hard today, wore my tough guy vest since I was wearing it all day today. There was a feminist moment of realisation today, when these two guys came into the class, all acting tough, talking (presumably) Gujurati to each other really loudly over the instructor's teaching. I think it made people feel uncomfortable. There was a moment when I thought maybe these guys were just feeling kinda bro-like after a weights session. I totally understand that feeling, but you have to respect that its communal space.

 

There was a moment when one of the guys took his shirt off and I was thinking to myself: this is an example of what Garfinkel would call 'breaching'. Another part of me thought: man, I wish I could do that too! The instructor (female) wasn't impressed and she felt very uncomfortable at the attitude of the men (feminist moment). I realised how their impact and sense of hypermasculinity (which, by the way I can relate to) was being at the level of complete dickhead-ery. One of the guys later left the class early before the warmdown, in fairness another of the women did this and I could see in the instructor's face that she wasn't happy about it.

 

I kind of like the instructor, she has cool tattoos, plus she is a little bit cute. I also like that she's a real taskmaster and puts me through pain. I kind of like having an instructor who is closer to my age. More relatable, the other instructors at the gym (pilates body balance) are very much more of the 'working mother/wife/real life career woman' sorta vibe. Which is cool, but that's definately not me as a male equivalent. I wish it would be though. Maybe one day I could get a proper job, find a girlfriend and settle down. Maybe we could be polyamorous.

went to a workshop today, for help with job searching. I felt kinda anxious, then angry, then sad. Then some triggers happened and I was trying to hide my tears. Its a touchy subject for me, cos finding work is so hard for me right now. These guys did help me.

 

There was a guy who was very eccentric, and he was a right old brainbox too. I think he has a PhD in Physics and trying to break into accounting. I think he was Autism spectrum. Terrific chap, he even offered to help a girl with her PhD application, he gave her his number and email and said he's there if he wasn't to meet up for a chat sometime for PhD advice. A part of me laughed inside, thinking this is a seems legit moment, but this but was too oblivious to realise this was a potentially good chatup line, in fact he was actually sincere about it and that's the thing I really liked about him.

 

I also talked to a female woman who as it happens, went to the same uni as me. I made a funny in-joke about Bristol and we reminisced a bit. Nice to meet a Bristol alumni, even in a place as strange as that. As I saw her face, I then realised I may have seen her before during Bristol days. I do have a good memory for things like this, and it wouldn't be too weird if that was the case. After all, most Bristol Grads end up in London professionally, anyway.

 

So I'm back home, my anxiety is still up. Work tomorrow but not until 1430. I also have work on Sunday, so I can't do the garden. I'm thinking about going to spinning class (even though I've barely been back home). I put on my white shirt today and I saw my belly and I wasn't too impressed. This month I've been thinking about reducing my weight, and cardio would be a good way to do so. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I just said no, stayed home and rested. My motivation is quite low actually, after that workshop.

Onwards (with a smile)

Yesterday involved:

 

3 job applications. Going to spinning class instead of balance after weights (exhausting and a killer on my legs), did some job searching and then I got invited to an interview.

Not bad? It's a good pace for the week. Today I'm going to a disability workshop in Google HQ (cool I know). Hope it gets me somewhere.

 

Now I'll have a wank, then breakfast. Then I'll see what I need to do.I feel positive. I think the gym helps. I want to go again today for spinning. No weights. Need to recover.

 

Onwards (with a smile)

Another job interview

Dear Diary,

 

Woke up at 10am. Phone alarm went off at 7am but I was way too exhuasted to get up. I felt a bit bad about getting up so late. Today I've not been as productive as yesterday. But I'm just finishing off an application and that will make 3 applications today. Good enough to go to the gym. I was invited to an interview, the day before the other interview. So, two interview invitations in as many weeks, two interviews.

 

Take it at one's stride. I've done a lot of gym sessions this week already. about 3 days in a row already. Tomorrow will make 4. I'm going to a workshop tomorrow for employability. I am then off to work on friday. Not any oppurtunity to work out. Also can't do garden on sunday as I'm at work. So it's all pretty busy. Busy is good though.

 

I am going to make this a positive blog. I'm going to make this positive. I'm going to be positive and do positive things. I'm going to keep going even though that thing I mentioned last post is going to happen in a very likely sense. I'll have a setback and a crash. Two interview rejections at once and I'll be 'back to square one'.

Won't let that happen.

Can't let that happen.

Onwards.

I miss Rae

Dear Diary,

 

Sent 2 job applications that were properly prepared. Sent about 16 through a job board (CV-LIbrary). So I will call that at 12 applications. In my waking day (which will include after midnight on tuesday evening, I will have applied to 13 jobs. Sent off a writing sample for PhD application that I completed last week. Did badminton as well.

Do I feel like I've done enough today? No, not really. But if wednesday were like tuesday, or even Monday. I'll be on a good pace.

My motivation has been really good these past few days. Gym involvement has been good too.

 

I know the cycle though: I'm going to get a PhD rejection, or rejection from the interview. Then I'm going to feel shit, then I'll realise that its mid/late september and the sadness collapses onto me and I lose motivation and end up overeating and everything turns to shit again.I'd like to say I can't let that happen, but life seems to be cyclical for me in that way.

Can't believe it's fucking september. I still remember when it was July. I still remember when I was saying: I can't believe its fucking July!

That stuff is all periphery now. Reflection is resignation as far as I'm concerned and I must not be resigned to failure.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

 

Almost fucked up my shoulder in badminton today, my knees and ankles weren't so great either. This is probably the most number of jobs I've ever applied to today. What matters however, is how I move forward.

 

It's kind of lonely without that girl. I'm going to call her Rae. Rae's probably going to move on with her life, find a boyfriend who isn't a loser and who isn't too poor to find a place to live. Rae was perhaps the first girl I've met in forever who really seems like girlfriend material. When I met Antonia I was kind of living a double life and running off steam that I couldn't sustain, because I was purging and everything was going too fast. Now is different. I'm more grounded.

I'm on my own again. It's important to remember how to be on your own. I sent off an essay today, that I wrote completely on my own. It was scary that time. Was talking to Antonia on facebook today, mostly because the absence of Rae left an internet shaped hole in my heart today. Antonia reminded me of ...that really dark time I failed my essay.

That's the burden I have to carry inside me. My failure as a person. Must not dwell on the failures. Work for the success.

Let's go to bed now.

well said.

Fighting chance.

Dear Diary,

 

Last night I was feeling kind of lonely. The girl I normally chat to online has started a new job, and she's doing work related training and her life is all different now that she's working full time. Makes me kind of sad that I don't have someone to chat to, but it is good for her I must be honest with myself. It's good for her that she's earning more and in a better position to improve her life.

Maybe I'm jealous. I don't want to be like David, who relished in my misery when we were mates at uni.

So this morning. I got up *reasonably* early. Alarm went off at 7:30. I actually woke up at 9:30. Bit later than yesterday but still a good time. I'm thinking to myself: I'll plan the next few hours with tasks, then do them all systematically. I woke up this morning thinking to myself (at 9:30 am): I'm going to wake up, start things at 10am and then I will have 7 hours until I go to Badminton.

I think i appreciate now what I didn't when I was depressed all those years ago: the importance of routine. Every day I'm recovering from the how terrible it was. It's not so terrible now, or rather: at least now I have a fighting chance. I know its a but unusual for me to comment on the news and stuff, but Naomi Wolf's appearance on Newsnight was a bit weird. It's great having a woman talk about issues that are strongly relevant to women, but it was really weird. Talking about rape and her view that victims shouldn't be anonymous.

So here I am. The whole day ahead of me. It's september 2012. I'm 26, all this shit is not happening in my life and I can barely afford anything with what I'm earning. I need to make life work. I need to make this work. I need to have this in my mind that I MUST MAKE IT WORK. I'm tired of white priviledge. I'm tired of the lack of oppurtunities. I need to be aggressive, one way, or the other. I can't take this lying down anymore

 

An this is when I start feeling overwhelmed and lay down. - but I can't do that. Today I need to do my schedule tasks. I enjoyed my protein shake yesterday. Now I'm off to have breakfast.

Positive Anxiety

I feel like my brain chemistry changes temporarily after I'm back from a gym session. i did a spinning class which was oversubscribed and I had to use a broken bike. Did some weights before and after, even though I didn't get many fito points it felt horrible to do those weights as it was stretching me quite a bit, even if it wasn't very lightweight. I'll tell you one positive and that is I have less trouble sleeping if I've exhausted my body at the gym!

 

So I got home. I counted it as a double gym session. I had supper. Had a pot noodle. Catching up on blog stuff. So tired. I've been awake since like 8-9am. All in all, I think I achieved enough today. Just hope that tomorrow feels better. I can't shake the emotion I have since last week that I haven't been doing enough and that I'm procrastinating too much. I need to use that anxiety in a positive way.

A stop to pause and blog.

Dear Diary,

This is an odd thing to say. It's 3pm and I have already reached my quota of 3 applications today. About to work on my fourth. Thinking about taking a wank break. Thinking about going later to spinning class. Maybe weights session afterwards. Would love to do a double gym session to exhaust me, then maybe I'll read some magazines before I go to bed. I like the idea of going to bed early. I like the idea of having a routine. Two shifts at work this week. I barely had 2 shifts last month. Hope things pick up, for my wallet's sake. For my life's sake.

Onwards.

Last week was not too bad.

Dear Diary,

 

There's something healthy about working out at the gym and gardening. Yesterday I was at the community garden and got quite a pump. I then went to the gym because I'm a glutton for endurance. I got home, watched a movie with the intention of possibly sleeping. I then managed to continue my job search, and sent 4 job applications. So the tally of jobs applied last week: 14. Number of fitness sessions: 5. Number of Piano Practice sessions: 5.

In short, things were pretty good for activity. I also got invited to an interview last week. Now I need to keep it up. I woke up early today. I decided to do non priority tasks in the morning and that is scheduled to last until 12pm (10 minutes). I'm then going to apply to some jobs. I'm trying to catch up with stuff but I have numerous dimensions in which I try to catch up. I have lots of newspaper articles and blogs that I haven't read yet, but that's low priority. Now. To get on with job applying. This is the scary part of my day.

 

Possible plan for the evening: go to planning meeting, or go to gym for spinning class. I think I've already made up my mind. Also, I've been plucking my nose hairs. They are incredibly long. I'm getting old!

Bromances and the Action Film

Over the month just passed I got to see the action film Expendables 2 with a group of friends of mine. I even got to Leicester Square to see the stars go along the red carpet. Action films are a guilty pleasure of mine, and among a certain group of friends of mine, provides a forum for male bonding and lots of laughter.

Action films are lowbrow, sometimes misogynist and even have subtle right wing political angles to them. But we still somehow choose to ignore these things. I think films such as these are often described as ‘leave your brain at the door’. I hardly watch action films these days, or any films for that matter on a regular basis. But there’s something about the camaraderie of being among old friends that makes the action film a centerpiece of our amusement.

This month I reconnected with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in years. I guess you could also say we have a bromance thing going on as well. It’s perhaps no coincidence that a certain group of my friends enjoyed watching the Expendables, which was a film about a diverse group of men who laugh together have bizarre conversations and their own odd conception of masculinity.

What I enjoyed about the Expendables were the non-traditional aspects of macho masculinity that were displayed by some of the characters. Dolph Lundgren’s ‘Gunnar Jensen’ has a Masters degree in Chemical Engineering and was a Fullbright scholar. Randy Couture’s ‘Toll Road’ is ‘college educated’ and displays a degree of vulnerability about his character, less vocal than the others and often seen reading in the background than conversing. Maybe I’m reading too much into a brainless film. Maybe I’m reading too much into a brainless film.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of a bromance lately. With friend I reconnected with, I really enjoy his company. I loved playing with him in our jamming session. I loved going out to a club with him. I loved sharing war stories and talking about our dreams and hopes. My other friends just aren’t like that.

I think there is a moral about the tale of modern masculinity. It acknowledges that it is a parody of what the notion of masculinity should be, but there is also genuine affection in it too. Men seem to bond better by doing than talking. I think I certainly do anyway.