reflections

Dear Diary:

 

felt stupoured again. Not good.  I think I was malnourished. Today I did the following:

• Job search
• Interview prep
• Body Balance
• Archiving/blog tagging
• Preparing reading schedule for book review
• Investigated some PhD studentships

I feel like I'm not doing enough compared to the past few days. I said to myslef that I would have at least one day a week where I wouldn't be as productive. I've had about 2, but normally on days where I think I won't be productive, I am productive. Today I felt very low motivation. My blog is probably going to sound miserable again, weather is getting shit, so's my mind.

 

Lets hink of positives: I had a good laugh at body balance. The instructor made a joke, she said: there's a man staring at us from outside, he's pretending not to stare, lets give him something to look at: someone strip naked, maybe not you Conatus. The joke was that I'm the only guy and highlighting the male gaze (of the man). Am I the token man of an all female gym class? I don't care, I used to be in sociology seminars as the only guy, I was there for the theory, and I'm in that body balance class to work on my abs, I need ab days because its not as fun doing crunches in the gym on my own, doing weights is fun but not the floor exercises.

Interview later. Also I'll try to do spinning, then prep for the interview on friday.

Now I'm tired. Too tired to wank too.

 

By the way, I accidently entered this website when I joined a forum, and someone saw the blog. She's nice,despite how immature I am on this blog (especially with my self-abuse), she still thinks I'm a nice guy. I guess to most people I am actualyl a nice guy: I'm good to my mum and I'm friendly at work, and I hate when people make misogynist remarks in the workplace. I like to appear boring in real life, its more accessible, more friendly. Children smile at me a lot lately, don't know why, maybe its the hair. I smile back.The woman on the form now chats to me a bit, she's nice. Its nice to have someone who likes similar music to me, who is also really sympathetic. I talked to her about mia. I got kind of upset when I brought it up, all those painful memories.

I need to focus on making new memories, as Laura said I should. I miss my chats with Laura, why were so many of the nice girls named laura, there's more than one blood laura. There's the laura from 2007, the Laura from 2010, then the two Lauras I dated in 2006 and 2007 respectively ( the latter is different to the aforementioned laura from 2007). I made a joke with the OKC girl (I call her Rae) I was chatting to, her name was close to Antonia's, but it wasn't Antonia. Rae's probably found a nice bf now.

A girl on OKC messaged me last night, she said: so you don't like Manic Pixie Dream Girls? No, I love them, thats the problem. I was coming home from the class tonight and I was thinking to myself, all that pain I put myself through at the gym, its nothing compared to the hurt I got from Marie, having bulimia and being severely depressed. That physical pain is like a little reminder, like when you listen to a song on the radio and remember a concert. I can turn the radio off. I can choose to go to those classes. I embrace that pain, I want more pain, maybe because I've had worse, but only just.