I miss Rae

Dear Diary,

 

Sent 2 job applications that were properly prepared. Sent about 16 through a job board (CV-LIbrary). So I will call that at 12 applications. In my waking day (which will include after midnight on tuesday evening, I will have applied to 13 jobs. Sent off a writing sample for PhD application that I completed last week. Did badminton as well.

Do I feel like I've done enough today? No, not really. But if wednesday were like tuesday, or even Monday. I'll be on a good pace.

My motivation has been really good these past few days. Gym involvement has been good too.

 

I know the cycle though: I'm going to get a PhD rejection, or rejection from the interview. Then I'm going to feel shit, then I'll realise that its mid/late september and the sadness collapses onto me and I lose motivation and end up overeating and everything turns to shit again.I'd like to say I can't let that happen, but life seems to be cyclical for me in that way.

Can't believe it's fucking september. I still remember when it was July. I still remember when I was saying: I can't believe its fucking July!

That stuff is all periphery now. Reflection is resignation as far as I'm concerned and I must not be resigned to failure.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

 

Almost fucked up my shoulder in badminton today, my knees and ankles weren't so great either. This is probably the most number of jobs I've ever applied to today. What matters however, is how I move forward.

 

It's kind of lonely without that girl. I'm going to call her Rae. Rae's probably going to move on with her life, find a boyfriend who isn't a loser and who isn't too poor to find a place to live. Rae was perhaps the first girl I've met in forever who really seems like girlfriend material. When I met Antonia I was kind of living a double life and running off steam that I couldn't sustain, because I was purging and everything was going too fast. Now is different. I'm more grounded.

I'm on my own again. It's important to remember how to be on your own. I sent off an essay today, that I wrote completely on my own. It was scary that time. Was talking to Antonia on facebook today, mostly because the absence of Rae left an internet shaped hole in my heart today. Antonia reminded me of ...that really dark time I failed my essay.

That's the burden I have to carry inside me. My failure as a person. Must not dwell on the failures. Work for the success.

Let's go to bed now.