Fighting chance.

Dear Diary,

 

Last night I was feeling kind of lonely. The girl I normally chat to online has started a new job, and she's doing work related training and her life is all different now that she's working full time. Makes me kind of sad that I don't have someone to chat to, but it is good for her I must be honest with myself. It's good for her that she's earning more and in a better position to improve her life.

Maybe I'm jealous. I don't want to be like David, who relished in my misery when we were mates at uni.

So this morning. I got up *reasonably* early. Alarm went off at 7:30. I actually woke up at 9:30. Bit later than yesterday but still a good time. I'm thinking to myself: I'll plan the next few hours with tasks, then do them all systematically. I woke up this morning thinking to myself (at 9:30 am): I'm going to wake up, start things at 10am and then I will have 7 hours until I go to Badminton.

I think i appreciate now what I didn't when I was depressed all those years ago: the importance of routine. Every day I'm recovering from the how terrible it was. It's not so terrible now, or rather: at least now I have a fighting chance. I know its a but unusual for me to comment on the news and stuff, but Naomi Wolf's appearance on Newsnight was a bit weird. It's great having a woman talk about issues that are strongly relevant to women, but it was really weird. Talking about rape and her view that victims shouldn't be anonymous.

So here I am. The whole day ahead of me. It's september 2012. I'm 26, all this shit is not happening in my life and I can barely afford anything with what I'm earning. I need to make life work. I need to make this work. I need to have this in my mind that I MUST MAKE IT WORK. I'm tired of white priviledge. I'm tired of the lack of oppurtunities. I need to be aggressive, one way, or the other. I can't take this lying down anymore

 

An this is when I start feeling overwhelmed and lay down. - but I can't do that. Today I need to do my schedule tasks. I enjoyed my protein shake yesterday. Now I'm off to have breakfast.